Bigotry, homophobia, and all manner of hatred.

I consider myself a good person.  I try to fight against hating anybody, anything, and any group of people.  In fact I try to never consider a person part of a group, and instead try my best to look upon them as an individual first.

Are they black?  Are they a woman?  Are they homosexual?  Are they young/old?  While any and all of these will tend to influence me to one degree or another, I try to always push these labels aside and see the real person underneath.

Sometimes people ARE defined by these labels.  And old person that constantly reminds everyone that they are older than them, that they've experienced and done more than any body else.  That they have already heard every argument, and therefore they know all the answers and if you'd only shut up and listen to them, that you too one day might be wise.  Or a person of color that sees everything in the light OF their color.  They see discrimination everywhere and will constantly remind those around them that they are being prosecuted for nothing other than their ethnicity.

Those are the type of people I try to avoid.  If their world is constantly and utterly defined by one fact in their life, then how can I possibly fit in without being a supporting player or a villain?  I'm not saying that they are completely wrong... but there is far more to life than any one thing.

Work update

I just wanted to write a quick post about how work was going.  No major drama either good or bad... just an update.

I've been told that we were going to be moving to 12 hour shifts 'soon' ever since I got hired.  Hell, they mentioned it during my first interview in March.  One of the nurses I worked with was told during HIS interview that they would be going to 12 hour shifts and that was the final selling point to him.  You see, on 12 hour shifts we'd work three 12 hour shifts one week and three 12 hour shifts plus one eight hour shift the next week.  Those extra days off allow nurses to take on another job that will give them one or two days a week at a hospital or some other facility.  He wanted that.  He is extremely upset that it hasn't happened in the 18 months since his interview.

I found out that they had been on 12 hour shifts years ago and had been on them for a LONG time.  It seems that going to 8 hour shifts was an experiment that was almost universally hated.

In the time before 8 hour shifts the nurses worked only one out of three weekends (although I honestly don't see how that's possible as staffing levels don't change and currently half of the nurses work each weekend).  They also had very little overtime as evidently they were better able to cover every shift.  The big benefit for most nurses is that the extra days off left more room for trading shifts.  So once the schedule was posted, nurses began lining up the days they really wanted off and finding people that were willing to trade with them.  The eight hour shifts don't really let that happen as the other nurses only have a single day off during the week meaning that there is a good chance that nobody on your shift has the day available to trade.

Oh what a year!

I will freely admit that I completely stole this idea from Joanna (of Happiness blog fame).  She claims she came across this on her facebook feed, but I'm not going to discount the idea that she came up with this entirely on her own.  For the most part, it's a question/answer series about the past year (yea yea, I know... still 8 more days).  While I was reading the questions and Joanna's answers, I realized I was occasionally pausing and thinking about how I would answer a particular question.

After about 10 of the 40 questions making me pause and think, I figured it would be a good idea to go ahead and write up my own 'year in review'.

First, let me set the stage.  In December of 2012 I was at a very low point. I know I shared some of this on my other blog, but I was feeling lower than I let on even then.  I believe at one point while chatting with greatgooglymoogy I contemplated suicide.  Not that talking to googs was making me want to off myself, but I couldn't come up with anything positive to say.  I had graduated nursing school over a year ago, and had my licesne for about six months, but was still finding very little traction on getting a job.

Instead of killing myself I started to hide away the negative feelings.  I tried to be a more positive person on the outside.... and that was a really hard mask to wear.  But I was afraid that if I would blurt something out lie that to googs, then I might just lose control and say the same thing to someone in real life.  Someone that could do something about it.  I figured though that if my internal self was that close to pulling the metaphorical trigger, then all I would need is another thing to weigh me down.  Like going to counseling for being that close in the first place.

So was Fiona worth it?

So it's been almost five months since I bought Fiona.  I never intended to do a 'review' of her until this most recent snow storm (more on that later).  After driving her though that I mentally started comparing her to other cars and I realized that I now had a long enough driving history with her through almost all types of driving that I could compare and contrast her.

Let's face it, win or lose I'm driving her for the next several years (three if I trade her in while still paying her off, five if I pay her off first).

Like most things in life, that new giddy feeling wears off fairly quickly.  In August I was driving 'A NEW CAR'.  In September I was driving 'MY new car'.  In October I was driving 'my car'.  And in December?  Well it's just a car.

That's not to say that I don't like her... the short review would be a positive one.  But with eight thousand miles under my foot I can now really find what I love, what I like, what I can stomach and what I dislike.  And yes, there are things that I dislike about Fiona.

First, lemme go over what I love.  I LOVE that this car still stands out.  When I step out of a store or work, I never have any problem finding my car.  I've seen maybe two or three other yellow focuses since I bought Fiona, but I've never seen one anywhere near mine.  When I step out I take a quick glance, and when my eyes spot that sparkling yellow jewel, I know I've found my car.  The only thing that ever stops that is if I park behind a van... she is small enough to hide!

Blog or Journal?

I wanted to take a moment to work through what I'm doing with this blog.

Originally I intended this to be a place that I could continue to communicate with my 'Caitlyn' friends.  I could be open and walk in my Calvin voice and keep you up to date with what's happening to me.

And for awhile, that's exactly how I treated this space.  But over time it's changed.  First... I found that I still visited other blogs and even Rachel's Haven.  I'm not all that vocal everywhere, but I do still comment on blogs and even occasionally post on the Haven.

So while I don't share the details of my life, I DO still keep in touch.  I've even found that I can still cap... although not with the same kind of passion that I did before.

With that level of communication and the fact that talking about every thing going on my life is kind of dull... I've unconsciously changed directions here.

Maybe part of it is simply that I have such a small audience.  Sure, I never expected that hundreds of people would want to join up and see behind my mask, but I did think that it would be more than a dozen or so people.  So when I write here now, I'm more often just talking to myself.  I think I mentioned that I used to keep a diary or journal of sorts called my 'Ramblin Notes'.   Writings where I would just talk about things going on or an area where I could work out random ephemeral thoughts into beliefs and truths.  This has more or less transformed into my new version of Ramlin Notes.

Getting Healthy

When I graduated high school I weighed about 220 pounds.  I remember hearing everyone saying that they'd love to have the body they had in high school and thinking to myself that I'd never dream of the same thing... I'd get my body into better shape and keep it that way.

I'd also be married in a couple years, have a big house, two loving children, drive a sports car to work read as many books as possible and....

Like all those other dreams, my 'fit' body never materialized.  Now at nearly 40, I'm wishing I had the body that I had in High School.  I'm sure you've heard of the 'Freshman Fifteen' referring to the fifteen pounds that many freshman put on when they go to college.  Well... I had the 'Freshman Forty'.  That's right... I ballooned up to over 260 pounds.

While it's not a goal to return to 260 pounds, I'd certainly like to be 'down' to that weight again.  You see in the 20 plus years since high school my weight has continued to grow and grow.  My 'high' point came several years ago when I was tipping the scales at closer to 320.  I didn't make any specific changes then, but I did lose my sweet tooth.  I just stopped enjoying loads and loads of sweets.  I DO like an occasional cookie or piece of cake, but that's it.  I can no longer gorge myself on sweets.  I'd much rather eat a good sandwich.  In addition to cutting out most sweets I refocused on what 'full' meant.

Light at the end of the tunnel

So... life continues to move on.  The routine is finally becoming routine.  Yesterday at work is a great example of that.  Our normal staffing level is to have two med room nurses (generally LPNs), and two RNs.  The RN's stay in the clinic and handle their list of call outs, the new transfers, and any urgent or emergency cases.  The LPNs stay in the med rooms and have a couple call outs but mostly handle the daily operations of handing meds out to several hundred inmates.

Yesterday though, we only had a single LPN and two RNs.  We can't have one of our med windows be empty so the other RN was assigned med room duty.  I had the clinic all to myself.  I didn't have many call outs, and the 'emergencies' are few and far between as the cold weather inspires the inmates to stay in their housing unit instead of coming up with fake symptoms and visiting the clinic.  Initially I thought I had six new transfers, but they turned out to be for the following day.  Later I actually DID get six new transfers so I had to work fairly fast to get them all processed.

If this happened a couple months ago I would have been nervous, scared, and probably late in getting everything done.  But now?  Now it's just another day.  I leaned into the work and got it all done without any extra fanfare.  There's no way this could have been qualified as a 'hard' day, but that's the point.  A normal (albeit short staffed) day isn't anything to make me worried.

Christmas Music

I talked earlier this year about how much I love music, so it shouldn't come as any surprise that I really enjoy a good old fashioned Christmas Carol.

Before I go into talking about that though, lemme catch you up on a few things that's been going on.  I'd mentioned earlier that I got hired in by the state and was wondering if I'd get holiday pay for Veteran's Day.  It turns out that I did NOT get holiday pay for that.  You see, as a State Employee I did not work my previously scheduled day.

Let that sink in for a moment.

I did not get the holiday pay for a state recognized holiday because I DID work my previously scheduled day but not as a State Employee.  Just a little bit of 'Bah Humbug' to welcome me to the group.

I also talked a bit about my upcoming hunting trip.  The trip was a blast, and like any good adventure turned out completely different from what we planned.  We ended up going to the Manistee National Forrest in northern Michigan and stayed in a Cabin that a neighbor owns and rented us. Our original plan was to use the Cabin as a base of operations, but to actually spend the night outside.  My friend is into a lot of survivalist 'stuff' and one thing that has his interest is sleeping in Hammocks.  Yes... cold weather Hammocking.  You see when you sleep up off of the ground you don't have to fight against the cold COLD ground.  You add in a lot of insulation, a great mummy style sleeping bag, and a tarp above it to keep the wind out and you can sleep outside at temps well below freezing.

Getting Hired and Getting Respect

So first a little good news.  As I said in my last post, I am in the process of getting hired in by the State.  No longer will I be a contract employee working for Manpower.  No longer will I be 'less' of a team member.  No longer will I go without the benefits of most full times jobs like insurance, retirement, sick time, paid time off, and overtime.

I am still holding my breath a bit though, as I'm not finished with the hiring process.  I guess I'll recount what's happened so far.

So in the first weeks of October I was called up by the HR department of the correctional facility where I work.  They actually called me while I was working (I guess they knew where I was!) and asked me if I would be interested in interviewing for a nursing position at the facility.  I actually had to pause for a moment and wonder if they knew I was currently working as a nurse at the facility.  It only took me a moment to realize that they were offering the chance to get hired in by the state.

I of course said yes, and then all the drama began in earnest.  I think I mentioned that I was working with another nurse that had previously been hired in by the state, but had to quit when she got pregnant.  It seems that while on probation (all new hires are on probation for their first year) you can't take that much time off in a single chunk.  How that doesn't violate the Family Leave Act still baffles me.  Anyway, she had recently come back as a fellow contract employee, and she too was being offered the chance to interview.

Take my mind and take my pain...

This is just a short post, but I wanted to share a few things.  First and foremost, I'm still happy.  I think I've figured out why it's so difficult to write about why I'm happy... because there has been a part of me that's expecting it to end.   I've had stretches of good times before, but it's always felt like some other shoe was going to drop.  That there was some problem just lurking around the corner, and that said problem was going to come out and take my knees out leaving me a kneeling weeping mess.

But that's just not happening.  Sure, I still have the occasional bad day.  Sure, I'm still sad about certain things.  Sure, I know that my life isn't yet full and that there are many other things that I want to accomplish... but none of those things can keep my attention.  Instead anytime I start to feel down, there is some happiness lurking around a corner waiting to help me stand up straight and smile.

In the last year or so of blogging I'd find myself particularly drawn down by certain songs.  Sometimes the lyrics would get me, but more often than not it's just the sad tone that would bring my emotions crashing down.  Well... I've just heard a sad song that pierces through my heart and brings a tear to my eye.  But you know what?  I'm still smiling.

Big Fish, Hipsters, and more

You know, it's been a long LONG time since I've considered myself 'normal'.  I think that time was around junior high school... I was smarter than many of my classmates but not the smartest among them.  I was big but didn't play sports.  I was in the band, but played the trombone (not exactly the 'cool' instrument even when compared to all the 'non cool' band instruments).

This is about the time in life where cliques and social groups form... and my clique was made up of people that didn't fit into other groups.  We were smart and nerdy, but not brilliant.  We were musically talented, but not really musicians.  We saw 'normal' all around us but were never part of it ourselves.

I think that was the beginning of a true self awareness.  I wasn't accepted as 'normal' so I didn't truly ever seek to be normal.  Sure, I was still a teenager and still wanted to be accepted.  I just didn't make any strong strides to fit in.  It was a long journey from that to where I am now, but I think that was the first step.  You see... I may be a hipster.

I Love A Good Video Game... sigh

I love a good video game.  Or... at least I used to.  I guess I still do, but much like I love to go to art museums, it's just something that I'll love from afar from now on.  It's one of the most bitter irony's of having a job.  You see I used to want to play games all the time but just couldn't afford the new ones.  Now that I can afford them... well I just don't have the time to do so.

In the first half of this year I bought maybe 3 or 4 games and those were through the 'Humble Bundle' program.  If you've never heard of the Humble Bundle, it's a system that bundles up games (mostly from independent studios) and then let's you name your own price.  The majority of the proceeds then go to various charities instead of the game studio.  One bundle I bought included 5 games that cost $79.99 if purchased individually.  I paid $10.  It seems like a great deal, but at the time I still had to worry over the decision for a day or so as I really couldn't afford to spend $10 on any games... no matter how good of a deal it was.

The game that I played the most was Team Fortress 2.  I had purchased this way back in 2007 and in my mind is one of the most fun games on the computer.  It's a first person shooter that lets you select between 9 classes of characters.  But where most games go for hyper realism, TF2 goes for comedy.  The characters are all drawn from a 1950's style and have ridiculous weapons.  The game has survied for this many years by constantly updating it. Over the years they've added new game modes, new weapons and even new purely decorative hats to the game.  Yes... I said hats.  A few years back they made the game free to play, and started letting people buy the extra weapons and hats.  They've made more money since offering the game up for free compared to selling the game for $20.

Tea is good... and expensive.

When I think of drinks, I more or less categorize them into social and non social drinks.  Beer, whisky, mixed drinks, shots... these are drinks that I partake with friends but not alone.   Soda, water, sports drinks... these are ones that I drink all by myself.   Now that's not to say that I don't drink my 'individual' drinks only when alone, but when I do drink them it's more about satisfying a thirst rather than sharing an experience with friends or family.

The only beverage that I partake in both socially and individually really is coffee.  I drink a couple mugs worth every morning, but I'll also go out and have a coffee with friends.

Well.. that's about to change as I'm now going to be adding Tea to my group of social and individual beverages.

You see, while hanging out with my friends last weekend we had to go to the mall.  On our way out my buddy paused to show me a shop called 'Teavana'.  At first I really didn't think much of it.  I mean sure, they had tea, but really what is there to Tea?

Well... a lot.

Hunting... For A Good Time!

I visited with a couple friends this past weekend and had a blast.  We didn't do anything in particular... just hung out and enjoyed each other's company.  We talked politics, relationships, growing older, jobs, and family.  All interspersed with taking care of their two children.

One thing that I used to do with this friend is share a love for guns.  This is the same guy that I used to go to the range with and target shoot.  Sadly he went through a rough spot and had to sell off all of his guns, but times are getting better and one thing we did was stop by Dick's sporting goods and pick up his newly purchased shotgun.

Now, the guns he had previously were for 'fun'.  A long rifle that could shoot fairly acurately at 500 yards, a couple hand guns, and various other rifles.  But this purchase is for a more specific purpose... hunting.

You see, a few years ago we took our first hunting trip together.  Neither of us had any great desire to 'bag a buck', but we did want to get away from everything and hunting seemed like the best reason to do so.  Lemme tell you... hunting with a rifle designed for accuracy at long distance is NOT the best thing.  First, we were hunting in a national forest.  It would be difficult to see a dear over 50 yards away.  So the weight and length of this rifle actually worked against us.  But we still got to set up camp, build a fire, drink our instant coffee and have a great time.

Work is going well

At work I'm trying to juggle a whole lot of expectations.  Getting used to working steadily, getting up to speed on being an RN, earning the respect of my co-workers... all of these are important to me and all of them have different ways to be demonstrated.

I complained pretty vocally (at least here) that I was being 'punished' by being put into the med room several days in a row, but I have to now admit that the repeated experience is paying dividends.  I'm now comfortable walking in the med room, organizing my day's work and passing out meds to over 500 inmates all while holding true to the way I learned to pass out medication safely and legally.

And what does doing that earn me?  Well of course it earns me repeated exposure to it.  Not everyone is good at doing this and I've shown that I can do it better than most.  It also gets me added responsibilities... I get some RN tasks early in the day and then finish up my day in the med room.  Keeping my complaints to myself and just getting the job done well has earned me the respect of the LPNs that do this job day in and day out.  In fact when they have an issue with something going on in the med room, they now come to me.  I'm certainly not their first stop for help, but the fact that they see me as a resource in a job that they do daily is quite an honor.

What is Love?

After writing "Looking Forward", I got to thinking about finding that one true Love... or at least love in any flavor that I could find palatable.  And you know, I haven't had the best luck on that side of my life.  It rally got me thinking about what my past can tell me, what my present can give me and what my future will hold in this regard.

And so far I'm not finding anything good.  So I figured I'd write out my thoughts here and see if I can find some inspiration.

My idea of love may well be too old fashioned to ever really be possible.  This day and age includes things that I would never consider... Hooking Up, Divorce, Second (third? fourth?) Marriages, Step Children, Baby's Mommas and Baby's Daddys.  To me these are all things that happen when someone wasn't looking for love.  I like sex as much as the next guy, but I've always believed that the physical act of sex is a mere shadow of itself when it's not accompanied by love.

Early on in life I figured out that I wanted love.  Not a girlfriend.  Not a fuck buddy.  Not a gal on my arm.  Love.  I wanted that person that I could argue with and not get angry at.  I wanted someone whose happiness was more important than my own joy.  Whose happiness would bring me joy.  I wanted someone who I could share a romantic evening with and still be just as happy to read quietly next to each other.

Budgeting, State Job, Lita and Guns.

I don't have a specific thing I'd like to talk about... more just some random thoughts that are going through my head that I want to write down.

First thought is money and budgeting.  I have this nice little spreadsheet that I made up years ago.  It's more than likely an over-complicated way to do a simple thing... keep track of money coming in and going out while helping me plan for the near future.  The top lists what I expect to make each week.  It's done weekly as I currently get paid weekly.  If and when I get hired in by the state (more on that later) I will re-work the spreadsheet to be bi-weekly.  Anywho, the top cell is what i expect to make that week.  Under that is space for the actual pay when it comes in.  For the most part these numbers are the same, but occasionally when I take a day off, as I did last week because of a stomach flu, or work an extra 15 minutes, they are different.  There is a space for extra income, but that rarely gets used now.

Under that is a section for my bills.  I currently have spaces for rent (it's not rent... more of a payback to mom from all the money I siphoned off of her), Fiona (car loan), Cell Phone, Credit Card, Storage (I rent a storage area for all my crap), Student loan (I just made my VERY first student loan payment... EVER!), cigarettes, cartomizors (the nicotine containing parts for my eCigs), and Gasoline.

Did I just buy a song from Hanah Montana?

Oh dear lord.  I have a song from Miley Cyrus on my computer.  And not only did I put it on my computer... I bought it.

As I talked a bit back in my "I Love Music" post, I like all kinds of music.  But in general I don't like music because it's popular... which means I don't like much top 40s pop.  So the last thing I ever thought I would be listening to over and over again is a song by Miley Cyrus.

Well... not exactly by Miley.  Let's be clear, she didn't write this song... at least not alone.  The song was written collectively by  Mike L. Williams II, Pierre Ramon Slaughter, Timothy Thomas and Theron Thomas (known collectively as Rock City), Cyrus, Douglas Davis and Ricky Walters.  But it WAS written FOR Miley.  The song is titled "We Can't Stop" and the lyrics are about a house party and include such deep lines as:

"It's our party we can do what we want (no drama)

It's our party we can say what we want (Mike will made)

It's our party we can love who we want"

and

"To my home girls here with the big butt

Shaking it like we at a strip club

Remember only God can judge ya"

There are things, and there are Things

I finally got to play a video game the other week.   Playing video games used to take up a lot of my time.  I couldn't afford many games so whenever I bought one I played through it with a vigor normally saved for life saving measures.  I'd don my headset so that I could fully immerse myself into whatever virtual world would consume me and try to block out the real world.

One of the problems though was that my headset was pretty old and frankly pretty bad.  It was a very 'tacticool' headset from Logitech with a 'letherette' band that surrounded my ears and went around the back of my head.   But at it's core it wasn't anything more than the standard circular ear pieces that sat over your ears.

As such it didn't do much to block out the sounds of the real world.  Oh it looked cool, and if I'm honest it wasn't bad when I got it.  Gaming headsets hadn't really come into their own yet and it had the two features I wanted at the time... an attached microphone and a volume control dial.

Well after years of use and abuse, it finally gave up any semblance of being a useful attachment to my computer.  The left speaker had an incredibly annoying crackling noise in it.  The 'letherette' ear coverings had a crack in it which made it almost painful to wear for more than a few minutes.  The volume dial got so dirty and corroded that it was a major undertaking to change.  The volume slider was difficult to move and if it was in anything bu the perfect position it would eliminate the sound in one or even both speakers.  It seems that the only position it really wanted to be in was at full blast volume... which made the crackling left speaker horrible.

New Music and a bit more

So my new schedule allows me to check out some television that I've missed out on for a long while... Late Night.

I used to watch a lot of Late Night television.  Conan, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel... I watched them all flipping between the best bits and guest interviews.  One thing I've really missed though is the musical guests.  I've found quite a bit of music from just watching the bands on these shows.

I didn't really watch a lot of the 'hot' bands.  Instead I'd keep my eyes and ears out for newer sounds.

Well, now that I get home around 11PM and wind down in front of the tube for an hour or so, I can now at least watch the headlining shows.  Last night I was in a particularly good mood because I heard about my brother's interview (more on that later), so I stayed up late enough to check out the band playing on Jimmy Kimmel Live.... Preservation Hall Jazz Band.  And um... WOW!

To say that I liked what I heard would be an understatement.  First off, this isn't some top 40 pop tripe.  This is an actual New Orleans Jazz Band with some chops.

I Love Music

Music isn't as important to life as breathing or blood... but it's pretty damned important.  You see... I love music.  All kinds of music.  A great concerto holds equal space in my heart as does a down a dirty rock blitz or a twangy country poem about a truck a girl and a dog (not necessarily in that order).

Music has always been a big part of my life.  I remember taking long family vacations where we would drive all over the country.  And while those vacations were more about seeing both oceans, Mexico, the gulf, Canada, 47 of the 50 states, most major highways, many major amusement parks, the redwoods, the palms, the scrub brush and the desert... I have incredibly strong memories of listening to 'oldies' on the radio.  Neither of my parents have the same passion as I do about music, but they did believe in listening to the songs of their youth while driving over listening to news or talk radio.

Something I'm going to do in this post is show you what I'm listening to while writing this.  I almost always listen to music while I'm at the computer.  It's mostly in the background, but sometimes it does well up and direct my emotions or inspire a new feeling.  Just understand that I'm writing this post AND chatting with people, so sometimes it will seem that I don't write all that much while listening to a lot of different songs.

Looking Forward

I've never been known as a patient person.  That is unless I have something specific to look forward to.

I'm not talking about waiting for a movie or a game to begin... I'm talking about something specific in my life.  With all the fits and false starts my life has taken, it seems that I've been waiting for a long long time.  I was waiting for High School to finish... then I was waiting for graduation from college... then waiting for graduation from a different college.  Once I graduated I moved to Chicago and began waiting for my first real photo job... then waiting for the photo job that could sustain me... then waiting for my lease to be up so I could tuck my tail between my legs and move home.  Once I was home the waiting shifted and I was waiting to get a job.. then waiting for that job to pay enough for me to live off of.

I was patient in that one and waited for three years... but it didn't pay enough and the waiting shifted.  Waiting for another job... then waiting for it to pay enough.  That worked out... for awhile.

Grow up people!

As a child have you ever entered a class halfway through the year?  It's a complicated process as you have to figure out quickly who is who.  Who is the bully running things through fear and intimidation?  Who is the good guy who will stand by you and be a friend?  Who is the back stabbing tattle tale that will inspire you to get into trouble and then rat you out?

On the surface it sounds like it would be easy to figure out, but all of these people look the same.  When they talk to you they all talk the same and they all seem to want something from you.

Well... it seems that I've entered my own private viper pit sandbox at the prison.  The Nursing Staff.  Office Politics is something that I honestly have trouble figuring out.  Most of my previous jobs didn't involve this type of childish behavior... or if they did I was so low down the totem pole that it didn't effect me personally.  My philosophy has always been on the simple side... do my job well, do what my supervisor tells me, try to help my supervisor an any way possible.

The only job where this philosophy failed me was my last photography job in a  portrait studio.  I honestly believe that it failed me there not due to politics, but because I had a insecure back stabbing studio manager.  She saw me not as an asset to be groomed and utilized but as a threat to her own little fiefdom who could almost outsell her using good photography and honest selling techniques instead of the deceit and trickery she used.

Football and capping

Before you look at the photo and turn away having no interest in my ramblings on college football, know that I'm going to talk a bit about capping as well... but that's the end of the post!

As you are probably aware, I'm not a huge sports fan.  I don't follow baseball (are the Tigers any good this year?), Pro Football (did the Lions lose all their games last year?), Basketball (did the Pistons win it all last year?), Hockey (how did Detroit end up as Hockeytown?), or any other sport.

That is, besides College Football.  I just can't get enough of College Football.  I don't care if the game is pitting Michigan Vs Alabama, or Western Kentucky Vs Morgan State, I'll be at least aware of the game and probably watching highlights from the game.  I spend most Thursday's picking my College Football Pickem picks, most of Friday adjusting said picks, all of Saturday watching the games (real games are ALWAYS played on Saturday!), then Sunday through Wednesday is spent reading highlights and prepping for the next weeks worth of games.

To the way things ARE!

"To the way things were."

"To the way things should be."

"To the way they shall be again!"

This was a toast that a close friend of mine and I would clink our glasses to when we started drinking.  It's meaning was both fun and serious and is something that we did for years together before our lives seperated.  It's something I still do to this day, although most people I clink glasses with don't ever understand it's deeper meaning. .

I'm sure you can gather what it means.  When we said "To the way things were" we were toasting all the good times that we had had before.  The good times we had in band (we both played the trombone in high school).  The good times we had playing games or watching sci-fi flicks.  The good times we had moving from a community college to four year universities.  The good times we had just jumping into one of our crappy cars, driving down the road and discussing philosophy and women.   We had a lot of good times together and instead of focusing on all the bad things that had happened in our lives, we looked at the past through rose colored glasses and saw only the good times.

What doesn't kill you makes you...

Sorry to be grim and all on a Friday, but being only a week removed from my needle stick scare has got me thinking about how I'll eventually die.

Before I bring everybody down, let me share some good news.  I just got back from my follow up visit to the clinic and got my test results.  I am (currently) HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B negative.  I will of course get further testing for HIV in late September, mid November, and mid February, but all signs are pointing to this being over.

Oh, and the inmate's test results came back.  He is HIV negative as well, although his Hepatitis C test came back 'indeterminate'.  He is getting tested again today as it's more than likely an issue with the lab rather than being suspect of being Hepatitis C positive.  If he IS positive for Hepatitis C, then there is a whole new issue to deal with.

Anywho... that's where I stand now.  But as I said, this whole issue got me thinking about how I'll die.  I'm only 39, but with my family history and my general health I can safely say that I've lived over half of my life.  You see, my family doesn't exactly have the best 'history' when it comes to health issues.

The Mind's Eye

In a recent comment, Dee told how she had went from a long haired rocker to a short haired biker (at least in looks).  This was in response to telling everyone that I used to sport a mullet.

Part of her comment got me thinking though... she asked "How in general DID you picture Damien and Dee? How do you picture other members of the other blog?"  And of course she even suggested that perhaps the answer would make for a fun post.

Well... here is my response.  I'm not sure how in depth I'll go as I'm more or less writing this on the spur of the moment, but I'll try to cover several people and explain why I picture some people as women while I picture other's as men.

I guess first thing I should do is explain how I saw Caitlyn.  At first I really didn't have an image in mind for Caitlyn.  I just pressed most of my own desires onto her looks.  She'd have red hair, a shapely figure, high cheekbones, plump lips and a cute button nose.  Beyond that, I didn't really give it much thought.

But as time wore on, I started picking out avatars and even playing role playing games based on Caitlyn.  I believe that the first real look that 'Caitlyn' had in my mind (beyond a sexy masked woman)  was Faye Reagan.

Being happy without rubbing everyone's nose in it

As you'll find with my rambling posts, I tend to cover a lot of subjects.  None of these thought processes are worth an entire post, but I'd like to share them all.

Today, I'd like to cover several things.  A little more history about myself (just so I can later reference certain parts of my life without having to fully explain it then and there), trying to be upbeat without upsetting others, and the fact that I still see caps whenever I look at images online.

I'll probably end up going off on some tangent and talking about other things as well, but for now I want to start with those topics.

I'm actually going to save the history for last, as it's quite long and it's not necessarily something I want to actively discuss... just put out there.  So let's start with staying upbeat without upsetting others.

So I needed a new car (part two... the dream, the search and the purchase)

When I started to write up my car shopping experience earlier this week, I intended to give a brief history of my cars just so you'd know where I was coming from.  I wanted to let you know that while I've owned several nicer cars, I've never owned a car that was less than 4 years old.  That I've never had a car with a warranty.  And most of all, that while I've had my share of clunkers, that I've loved most of my cars and truly wanted to love my next car.

Yeah... that didn't work out really well at all.  I couldn't help but write quite a bit about each car as just remembering each of them brought up so many interesting memories.

But as my original intent was to write up what I went through to buy a different car, I still wanted to share that process with you.  It's an oddball mixture of heart, brain, soul, desire, mathematics, and changing desires.  So here's my story:

One of my worst fears realized (updated 8/19/2013)

What's that alarm that's going off?  Is it time to wake up?  No, that can't be it as I'm always up by 8AM.  Is it some event that I wanted to attend?  No, I don't schedule things that early in the morning.  Is it a television show that I wanted to watch?  No, if I wanted to watch something at a particular time I would just add it to the DVR schedule.

Oh yeah, it's the alarm reminding me that it's time to take my medicine.  It's time to take my Combivir tablet.

If you haven't heard of Combivir it's a particularly nasty drug with many detrimental side effects.  These side effects include such mundane things as headache, chills, fever, sore throat, tiredness, weakness, abdominal pain, muscle tenderness pain and numbness, nausea and yellowing eyes and skin.  More severe side effects can include trouble breathing, lactic acidosis, and liver failure.

You see, Combivir is a combination drug that has both Lamivudine and Zidovudine.  Ziduvudine is generically known as azidothymidine or often shortened down to AZT.  Lamivudine is generically known as 2',3'-dideoxy-3'-thiacytidine, often shortened to 3TC.  Both of these drugs are nucleoside analog reverse transcriptase inhibitors.

 When used together they're often referred to as 'the cocktail'.

The HIV cocktail.

Go

I had an issue come up at work.  The backaches that have plagued me for the past few years came back with a vengeance and about five hours into my shift I asked to go home early.

I really REALLY hate doing that especially considering that I've only been there for a month, but I had all my day's work done and would have spent the next few hours doing menial tasks and suffering the entire time.  Heading home and making sure I got my back into working order for the next day seemed like a good idea and my supervisor agreed.

On my drive home I figured this would give me a good opportunity to write up the second half of my car shopping post and go through the search process I used to find my new car.  When I got home I laid out on the couch to get my back righted and found a surprise waiting for me on the DVR.  It seems that last night the search function I put into it months ago paid off and it had not only found but recorded one of my favorite films.  Go.

If you haven't seen this riotously funny movie from 1999, then I can't recommend it with more vigor.

So I needed a new car (part one... a drive down memory lane)

So one of the things that I've wanted to do since I graduated was to get a new car.  It's not that my car was really all that bad (although it wasn't all that good either), or that I felt it was nearing its failure point.

No... to me it was a sign of 'making it'.  To be able to afford a new or at least a fairly new car and do so without having to break the bank meant that I had attained a status that very few in my family had ever achieved.

Cars are kind of a big thing with my family.  I often get kidded by my friends with just how car obsessed (and car poor) my family is.  I may not be worth a limp rag when working on a car, but I can talk intelligently about almost every single american car maker, and the vast majority of foreign cars as well.  Chevy, Ford, Dodge.  Cadillac, Lincoln, Chrysler.  Toyota, Honda, Volkswagen.  Hyundai, Kia,  Mazda.  I've looked at and dreamed about cars form most of these companies and so many more.  And starting in January 2012, I started not only looking seriously at cars, but budgeting out how much I could pay.

Welcome!

Hello again!  I almost feel like I should introduce myself.  I don't know how all of you are, but I tend to get a mental image of people that I communicate with online and a big part of that is their name.  I highly doubt that anyone has correctly imagined what I look like while I was using the name 'Caitlyn'.  And if you did, then what the hell made you imagine 'me' from the name 'Caitlyn'!!?!

Anywho... I don't really have a preferred name.  You almost all know me as either Caitlyn or Calvin.  Neither are my true name.  You all know about the birth of Caitlyn, but lemme take a moment to describe Calvin.  Calvin is my middle name and for decades now has been the basis of all my online handles.  I worked once with a group that included several people that shared my first name, so to differentiate myself I went by Calvin there as well.  So, calling me Calvin isn't jarring at all.

But I know that most of you know me, and continue to think of me as Caitlyn.  That's fine.  Have you ever had that friend that tried to force a new nickname on himself?  He wouldn't respond to his normal name and demanded that everyone call him something new?  Well I'm not that guy.  If you feel comfortable referring to me as Caitlyn then I'm not going to bat a lash or get upset at all.  Hell... I find it hard to not sign off a letter or post within this community and NOT use Caitlyn myself.  I do think I've found a halfway point that I'm comfortable with and that won't rock any boats... I'll sign off as simply "C".  If you think of me as Caitlyn, then you can add the rest there.  If you'd prefer to think of me as Calvin, it fits as well.  And ironically my first name (if you haven't realized yet, I won't share my first name) also starts with a C... so it works for me perfectly.

Let's see... what else can I tell you about 'me'....

Going Dark

If you are reading this post, then you should already know that many things have changed since my last post in February.  The whole idea of this blog was to write a TG themed story, but my interest in that endeavor faded.  I kept the blog up with the intention of returning to the idea, but if you've kept up with my other blog "Caitlyn's Masks", then you are aware that I'll probably never write this story out.

Instead, I'm going to re-task this blog into being a diary of sorts.  A way to keep in contact with all the friends that I've met over the years as Caitlyn.  It won't be a blog about "Caitlyn" in the sense of me talking about an exploration of my femininity.  Instead it will be me sharing the details and moments that make up my real life.  My job, my wants, my desires.  My friends, my family, my relaxation.  In other words... all the things that I haven't been able to share publicly without fear of someone in my real life being able to identify 'Me'.

To make sure these things aren't out in the open though, I'm going to have to close the doors here and let people in individually.  My closest friends will simply have to let me know which email address they use to log into blogger as that's the identification information blogger requires.  Anybody that has an interest in reading my normal every day musings is free to do so... but I won't just let anybody in.  To ensure that no one from my real life sneaks in and figures out who I am, I'll need to see at least a little proof that you are a member of this special community.  If you host a TG blog yourself, then you're more than welcome here.  If you commented on Caitlyn's Masks, then you're in.  If you are a member of Rachel's Haven, then you're invited.

I'll make the blog private in about a week (more than likely on August 10th or 11th).  If you want in, you'll just have to let me know your email so I can add you.  Send an email to me at 'caitlynmasked at gmail dot com', or send me a PM at the Haven.

Whining

To Whine:  To complain in a feeble or petulant way.

Yup.. sounds about right.

Ok.... this has devolved from me not being inspired, to me actually avoiding this.  It's true, I have everything I need to start writing.  Character's to work from, and outline to guide me when I wander off on some random path or wonder where to go from where I am... I've even decided to start writing from the second chapter.  But event this isn't enough.

I figure once I really buckle down and start writing, that I won't be able to stop.  That I'll get the narrative going in my head and I'll actually start writing faster and faster as I feel the story flow... but those first few words are... well... hard.

Final Prep Work

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Distractions

Umm... yeah.  I hate it when I make promises to myself and don't follow through on them.  It's worse when I do it publicly.  I obviously didn't get to the friend's bios.  I didn't get an updated outline.  I didn't get to start the writing process.

Truth be told, it was a combination of not feeling inspired and being distracted.   The lack of inspiration isn't surprising as my interest in (and fear of) doing this waxes and wanes.  I'm hoping that once the ground work is laid that I'll be able to bypass this reason for not writing.

But no matter what happens distractions will always be something that can derail my best laid plans.  And since I've gone on and on about inspirations, I figured I might as well open this door and talk a bit about distractions as well.

Happiness Found (Short story and Cap)

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Surprising and unexpected happiness

So I've written about several ways that I try to inspire my own moods.  About how I try to nudge myself in the correct direction to get myself ready to work on a graphic, write and/or cap.

But all of that is used with the assumption that I am in a 'normal' mood.  A flat, not too happy, not too sad state of mind.  And to be honest I hadn't given that much thought until this afternoon.  Because I am in a very rare state... at least rare for me over the past few years.

I'm happy.

I'm not 'glad' that I had a kind of interview earlier this week.  I'm not glad that my birthday passed without much fanfare (which is how I prefer it).  I'm not even glad that I'm working this weekend (I didn't work 2 out of the last 4 weeks).  I'm just... happy.  I'm in a good mood.  The things that normally bring me down are still here and are still as serious and impending as they were yesterday.  I've done absolutely nothing to even work toward eliminating those things (I did buy a lottery ticket, but that didn't do it).  If I listed out the differences between yesterday and today I couldn't point to a single thing that would help predict that today would be a good mood day.

It just is.

Handler Bio

Sorry that I've been absent for awhile on this project.  A lot of things worked together to sap any creativity I had, but I'm putting that behind me and forging ahead.  I don't think I have a lot more 'prep' work to do before diving into writing.  If things go well, I should start that part early next week.  My goal is to have at least part of a chapter done and posted here by January 30th (next Wednesday).

But before I get there, I still have to flesh out some of the other characters, and finish with the outline.  I will say that I'm going to take Rauk's advice and not flesh out the outline completely.   I don't want to lock myself into a narrative that may change as I write out the Main Character's actions and reactions to what's happening.

New Story Idea

I know, I know.  I haven't even really started this story so I shouldn't focus on another.  But I wanted to write this idea out so that I can hopefully come back to it later and maybe make it another project.

You know I've always been a big fan of the 'Good Guy in the Wrong Place' scenario.  Normally this manifests itself in a person getting transformed (or at least convincingly dressed and made over) and having to fool people around him.  At the same time that he doesn't want to be female, he has to convince others that he IS female... often sexually... or risk losing something (his girlfriend/wife, his good friends, his business...).  But every step he makes to convince people of his femininity he makes it harder and harder to ever get back to 'normal' and even ups the stakes as to what he will lose if he's found out.

That always makes me melt into a little puddle when I read it or even think about it.  But there's another side of that scenario.

Personal Inspiration

I wrote in an earlier post how I'll use music, movies and even books to get inspiration.  Inspiration for moods, for characters and character traits.  But obviously those aren't my only way of finding inspiration.

And to be honest, while those types of inspiration will color my mood, my primary inspirations are from within.  Take for example the 'Good Guy in the Wrong Place'.  It's one of my favorite scenarios to use.  The impetus for that scenario is me thinking of myself as a Good Guy (or at times a Good Girl).  So it's easy enough to draw upon that internal feeling and put it down into a cap or a story.  

But I believe that the most personal of inspirations can come from our own emotions.  We've all been happy before (although sometimes it's hard to remember those times).  We've all been sad (although thankfully it's sometimes hard to remember).  We've all been angry, indifferent, and aroused.  We've all been afraid, disgusted, and expectant.  And just because I was happy when I passed a test, doesn't mean I can't channel that happiness and use it in a character with a whole different scenario.  I can sit back and recall that joy I felt and use it to write out how happy a character is at getting his new breasts.

But for me personally, the most powerful emotion I can call upon is sadness.

Main Character Bio

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Diary vs Narration

I have to admit that after making that last post, I'm 100% on board with making "Language Barrier  into a story.  So I'm going to go ahead and lock that down.  I still have a ways to go before I start writing, but the more I post about it, the more I think about it.  And the more I think about it, the easier it is to iron out all the little details.

Just from the comments section I think I've nailed down the character and his group of friends as college age kids.  And yes, I'm old enough to call 20 and 21 year old people 'kids'!  Don't believe me?  Well what were you doing in 1995?  Because that's when I drank my first (legal) alcoholic beverage! Anywho... I think making them that age fits, and I can put them in Italy on a summer break.  Maybe they just got their baccalaureate degrees and are having a final fling before getting their careers started.

Some more thoughts and an initial outline

So I've been giving some more thought to how I would structure "Language Barrier" as a story.  The version of the story in the cap doesn't do much more than hit on the bullet points, which I guess is normal for most cap stories.   But for a long format story, I picture going into more detail on all of these bullet points.  All of those fun little diverting side stories now have room to grow.

For example, the story is about a guy getting transformed.  But who is he?  He can obviously afford a trip to Italy with his friends, but is he doing this as a college student?  As a business man?  Is he wealthy?  Cocky?  Shy?  None of that gets explored.  In a cap it doesn't need to be explored and in fact can't be explored.

But a story.... well I want to know this guy.  I want to know if I should be cheering on his unfair and unwilling transformation, or if I should be crying for his trials and tribulations.  I want to know who he was before the transformation and training, to see if he is in any way the same person after the transformation and training.  That smile that he let out at the drop of a hat with his friends... does he do that to his new master?  Does that love of fine wine and cheeses still exist when he's prancing around in panties and a bra?

Inspiration

So I promised I would post here more often and update you on the progress I'm making.  And even though I haven't started writing (not even an outline or backbone of the story), I AM still thinking about it.  You see, one thing I'm constantly doing is searching for inspiration.  That search isn't always for a story to follow or a transformation method... sometimes it's searching for moods and characters (and sometimes just for character traits).

The 'character' search comes from movies, books and television while the 'mood' search is often related to music.  I don't actively search these out, they just come from what I happen to be reading, watching or listening to.

When I'm sitting at the computer (either as Caitlyn or as Calvin), I constantly have music playing.  My taste in music is fairly eclectic, and only one thing remains constant.... diversity.  I honestly can't stand to listen to the same band or even the same genre of music one song after another.  For example, while I've been doing my normal web crawl this morning, I've listened to 24 songs.  Here are the last 10:

Some initial thoughts

I'm just having some thoughts and wanted to put them down here.

First thing... this is exactly the type of post I'm thinking will be common here.  By that I mean me kind of rambling about what I did or what I'm planning to do, but I also mean a pure text post.  I have to admit that it kind of bothers me to make a post without a title graphic for it.  Ever since I did that on "Caitlyn's Masks" I've enjoyed doing that.  The problem of course is that it does take some time to find a photo to use, and put it into my title graphic format.  Not A LOT of time.. but enough time that I might put off posting, and I don't want anything acting as a barrier.

Larvatus prodeo

Welcome to my new blog.... Caitlyn's Musings.

Technically, this is an extention of my capping blog; Caitlyn's Masks.  That blog primarily deals with my capping, and with me.  This blog will deal primarily with my writing... my story writing.

You see, I'm advancing.  I'm going to try my hand at writing longer stories.   I don't know where exactly where this is going to lead, as it's new for me.  I may become an author of TG/TF/CD/Sissy stories.  I may write more stories than I make caps... I may write an occasional story or two when the mood strikes me... I may write a single story a year, or fewer.  And of course I may completely fail at this endeavor.

But for the moment I'm willing to simply try.  That first tentantive step is the hardest for me... I don't like doing something and not doing it well, and the only way to know if I can write well is to try.  So not only is this new for me, it's also rather uncomfortable.

Now, if you know my capping work, you might be asking why I'm starting a new blog for this.  Afterall, I already have a successful blog.  It has a built in audience, it has just a hair under 300 'followers', and it's not as though I ONLY post caps there.  Well... I have several reasons.