Before I bring everybody down, let me share some good news. I just got back from my follow up visit to the clinic and got my test results. I am (currently) HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B negative. I will of course get further testing for HIV in late September, mid November, and mid February, but all signs are pointing to this being over.
Oh, and the inmate's test results came back. He is HIV negative as well, although his Hepatitis C test came back 'indeterminate'. He is getting tested again today as it's more than likely an issue with the lab rather than being suspect of being Hepatitis C positive. If he IS positive for Hepatitis C, then there is a whole new issue to deal with.
Anywho... that's where I stand now. But as I said, this whole issue got me thinking about how I'll die. I'm only 39, but with my family history and my general health I can safely say that I've lived over half of my life. You see, my family doesn't exactly have the best 'history' when it comes to health issues.
Heart Disease and Cancer are common fare in my family tree. My maternal grandmother passed away from breast cancer. My maternal grandfather had several bouts of colon cancer. My paternal grandmother had heart issues and although they only found it during her autopsy and it didn't cause her death, had pancreatic cancer. My paternal grandfather dies of complications from Alzheimer's, but had lung cancer at the time of his death. My father had heart issues and passed away from lung cancer. My mother has a lot of heart issues
That's just my direct lineage. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives all have had more than their fair share of both heart disease and cancer. There have been only two members of my family to live past 70 years old. My maternal great grandmother died at age 98, and my maternal grandfather passed away in his late eights. Everyone else (great grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and father) has died in their sixties. So it's always been my assumption that I will get one or both of these familial health problems and pass away between 2034 and 2043.
On top of those two haunting problems, diabetes also runs through the family and there is always the frightening specter of Alzheimer's disease taking away my mind. And of course I can't discount pure accidental death. Car accidents, tornadoes, lightning, and the complete random accident (think stuff like a piano dropping on my head).
But now, I have to start adding diseases and other possible causes of death. As a nurse I am obviously going to be around sick people more than the average person. As a nurse in the prison system I am dealing with a population that has a higher rate of HIV, hepatitis, tuberculosis, MRSA, and other nasty things. I know that most of these problems aren't necessarily fatal... HIV and hepatitis is practically chrnoic now a days... but they all have far higher risks of death than the common cold or the flu.
And although it's rare, there is a higher chance of having a violent death. Prison riots aren't only the things of television dramas. They do happen and they do occasionally have deaths associated with them.
Looking at this smorgasbord of fatal options, I'm not exactly sure there is a 'good' death to be had. Dying of cancer is just awful. Not only is your own body fighting against you, but the treatments take you close to death themselves. HIV could of course grow into full blown AIDS, but even if it doesn't it opens the door for so many opportunistic infections that can all take you out. The treatment for HIV isn't nearly as bad as chemo, but it isn't a walk in the park and doesn't last a few years... it lasts for the rest of your life. Any hepatitis can eventually take our your liver which should be scrubbing your blood clean. So those diseases lets your own blood eventually become so dirty and nasty that it can't support life. And after watching my mom deal with her heart disease and seeing it changer her from a strong vibrant woman into a weak shell of her former self is just frightening.
So.... I don't really have anything good to say here. I know there isn't any good death. Death is terrible. It's only considered good when compared to the horrible last few months of a person's life. I really wish I had something good or inspirational to say here, but I haven't come to any thoughts like that. I just wanted to share what's on my mind.
Stop thinking like a Goth Girl .. That's MY job!
ReplyDeleteThinking of ones own mortality is a sobering thought. My main concern is I really don't want to outlive my daughter.
My grandma who is returning to Florida tomorrow has had to bury 2 of her 4 children (my mom and her oldest brother) and their is a 3rd that almost died a few years ago (and to be honest, its amazing he's still alive considering the all the alcohol and cocaine he'd done) and looks like death warmed over.
I can only imagine the baggage she's been carrying around since my mom died 19 years ago and what was added when the oldest died 5 years ago. I don't think I'd have a very good existence if my daughter were to meet an untimely death. Luckily I don't think about it too much. Just enough to worry!
A part of me has always been fascinated with death. I recall reading a book early in my first go at college called something like "How We Die". It wasn't the the happy/sad spiritual look into what we got through as we die, this was a clinical examination of how we go from a living, breathing, heart beating, brain working person to a dead shell. It was a fascinating read.
DeleteI believe the loss of a child must be one of the worst things to go through as a person. In this area I'm more or less good as I have no children, but the thought of how bad that must be was one of several reasons I never got close to true suicidal thoughts. I never wanted to put my own mother through that.