Welcome!

Hello again!  I almost feel like I should introduce myself.  I don't know how all of you are, but I tend to get a mental image of people that I communicate with online and a big part of that is their name.  I highly doubt that anyone has correctly imagined what I look like while I was using the name 'Caitlyn'.  And if you did, then what the hell made you imagine 'me' from the name 'Caitlyn'!!?!

Anywho... I don't really have a preferred name.  You almost all know me as either Caitlyn or Calvin.  Neither are my true name.  You all know about the birth of Caitlyn, but lemme take a moment to describe Calvin.  Calvin is my middle name and for decades now has been the basis of all my online handles.  I worked once with a group that included several people that shared my first name, so to differentiate myself I went by Calvin there as well.  So, calling me Calvin isn't jarring at all.

But I know that most of you know me, and continue to think of me as Caitlyn.  That's fine.  Have you ever had that friend that tried to force a new nickname on himself?  He wouldn't respond to his normal name and demanded that everyone call him something new?  Well I'm not that guy.  If you feel comfortable referring to me as Caitlyn then I'm not going to bat a lash or get upset at all.  Hell... I find it hard to not sign off a letter or post within this community and NOT use Caitlyn myself.  I do think I've found a halfway point that I'm comfortable with and that won't rock any boats... I'll sign off as simply "C".  If you think of me as Caitlyn, then you can add the rest there.  If you'd prefer to think of me as Calvin, it fits as well.  And ironically my first name (if you haven't realized yet, I won't share my first name) also starts with a C... so it works for me perfectly.

Let's see... what else can I tell you about 'me'....



You probably know that I'm in my late 30s (closer to 40 than 38). I'm a bigger guy and stand at 6 foot 2 (it used to be

Yea... something like this.

almost 6 foot 4, but evidently gravity is pulling me into my grave an inch at a time).  My weight is constantly fluctuating... right now I'm just over 270 pounds.  If you're curious, that's just a hair over 19 stones.  I like the sound of that better... 'Hi.... who me?  Well I only weigh 19 stones!'.  I've been told that I carry my weight well, but no one is going to mistake me for 'fit' and certainly not 'thin'.    I wear glasses that have a thick black frame that is the most stylish pair I could handle.  I used to always wear metal rimmed glasses (I've been wearing glasses since I was six years old) and this was as 'stylish' as I could muster.  I briefly considered getting colored frames but not only are they difficult to find I believe that they would undoubtedly clash with some oufit that I'd eventually wear.  I'm due for new glasses.... well... overdue really.  Once I get insurance (more on why I don't have it now later), I will be getting a new pair as my prescription has changed quite a bit over the past three years.

I currently have my hair cut into a flattop.  I hesitate to call it 'styled' as I accepted this 'style' because it requires almost no effort.  I've only worn three and a half styles of haircuts for my entire life.  As a child I wore it in the standard (standard for the late 70s / early 80s anyway) parted over to the one side.  When I entered high school I decided to go for a spiked hair cut.  Really it was just short cropped hair with an insane amount of gel in it.

No... never was it like this!

 In college I literally let my hair down.... yes I grew a mullet.  With a spike up top.  I can feel you cringing as you read that and really that is the best reaction to that awful five year experiment.   I eventually cut the mullet off (the results probably made four separate wigs as it was down to the middle of my back at the time) and resumed the short cropped spike.  I would have blissfully still been getting that haircut if it wasn't for my barber.  I'm a firm believer in finding a good barber shop and sticking with it.  Over the years I've used many different barbers but since 2006 I've stuck with a local shop that's only a few blocks from where I currently live.  They have three barbers (don't you dare call them stylists), and each of them know me and can cut my hair quickly and efficiently.  For about a year I primarily used two of the three barbers... it wasn't a conscious choice, they were just free and able to take me in earlier than the third barber.  When I finally got the chance to sit in the third barbers chair (Real barber's chairs... including ashtrays build into the arms!) he put the drape around me and asked 'Getting your usual?'  I was so happy that I had a 'usual' that I just nodded and smiled.  He went to work and when he spun me around to look into the mirror I had a flat top.  I was shocked... dismayed... emotional hurt... and yet after a day or two I started liking it.  That was a couple years ago, and I doubt that I'll be changing it up in the near future.

I guess if there's anything else physically you want to know, I'd be happy to share it but that should give you at least a partial image of what I really look like.  Let's move on to something more current that I've hinted at but didn't fee comfortable sharing out in public.  My job as a nurse.

You've more than likely read my trials and tribulations trying to pass the NCLEX and get a job.  When I finally did pass and started looking for a job I applied at several local hospitals that I wanted to work at.  After a few weeks an no interviews, I expanded my search to farther flung hospitals.  Still nothing to be had, I started looking at local long term care facilities.  Then far flung long term care facilities.  I applied to doctor's offices, clinics, home care nursing organizations, private duty nursing jobs, the VA... basically every type of nursing job I could think of or find online.  If the job listing didn't require a certain level of experience, I put my name in for the job.  But I only got one face to face interview around October, and one phone interview in November.  Obviously neither panned out.

By March I was at my wits end and calling up former fellow students (most of them working already),former professors and even a resume writing service for help.  I could accept that maybe I wasn't the best interviewee.  But I wasn't even getting that chance... something on paper just wasn't fitting in with people.  Sadly, no one could spot the error on paper (well.. it was a digital file, but you get the idea).  While talking to one of my professors, she asked if I had applied to the State.  I didn't even realize the State hired nurses and immediately went to look at what they offered.

Yup... Prison. 

It turns out the state does hire quite a few nurses... for prisons.  To be honest, I'm not sure why I hadn't applied to prisons before.  They offer a great cross section of nursing skills... long term care (hey... those inmates need their insulin and blood pressure meds just like anybody else!), emergency (yes they do get into fights, but they also fall down and get into various non malicious accidents), psyche (sadly many psyche patients end up in prison), and even basic assessments (they do try to lie and I'm the only thing standing between them and the narcotics they so desperately want).  And beyond the nursing aspect of the job I'd be working for a government agency and become a unionized employee.  The state has one area to apply to all the 32 different prisons and I threw my resume down what I assumed was just another deep dark hole that I'd never hear back from.  I was shocked to hear back from them only a week later and was sitting in the chair for an interview only a few days later.  Three weeks fly by and I finally get word that they had accepted another candidate (actually I was interviewing for one of three or four positions, so they had accepted several other candidates).  I was heartbroken as this really felt like the last opportunity.

After several more weeks I got another call from the same correctional facility, asking if I'd like to come in and interview for another position.  They told me that since I had just interviewed, I didn't HAVE to come in, but I was more than welcome to.  I jumped at the chance figuring it would at least show initiative.  Before that interview I got called up for ANOTHER interview at a different facility.  So a week later there I sat answering the same questions with slight variations on my previous answers.  Somehow during our chat the human resources director mentioned that they also hire in contract nurses through a couple different agencies.  I took the opportunity after the interview to go ahead and throw my resume into that ring as well and applied directly to that same prison.

I went to the next interview and on my way home I got called by the contract agency wanting to know if I wanted to interview for yet another job... this time for the prison in my home town.  I of course accepted but on the day before that interview I got called up by the agency... with a job offer!  This was at the facility that I had interviewed at twice before.  I was a little upset since they were willing to hire me through the contract agency and not directly... but not nearly upset enough to forestall my celebration.

I had to attend a few days of paid training at the agency (mostly covering department of correction policies), and just working those three days I made more money than I had in the previous month.

Yup... gave a shot through a door like this. 

So... I didn't want to share that much detail on the other blog as being a new nurse getting a job isn't all that special.  But a new nurse getting his first job at a nearby prison through a contract agency is a little more identifiable.  So far, the job has been great.  I started off my orientation in 'Bock 4'. Bock 4 is set aside specifically for psyche inmates and most of the job entails passing out powerful psychotropic drugs.  It's a pretty major cultural shift working in this type of environment.  I've always looked at nursing as a way to help people, and obviously I AM helping these people.   But that's not the reason they are there... they are there because they are convicted felons.  Security reigns supreme here, and healthcare is a distant second.  I have to go through a secured 'bubble' where I have to empty my pocket and follow a three page listing of things that are not allowed into the prison (harmful things like money, paper clips, thumb drives, food, opened beverages....).  If it's a choice of securing the inmate or letting me have access for health care reasons, then security comes first.  I've had to give shots through the open food slot to some prisoners that were deemed to dangerous to let out of their cell, let alone letting me inside.

A horrifying experience

During those two weeks I also had a new low point in my life... I witnessed my first suicide.  There is a part of me that I heard voiced by some friends and family that goes like this;  "Hey... he's a felon and probably didn't deserve any better."   And I can accept people thinking that... but in this situation I'm not just anybody.  Specifically to this inmate I was his only daily dose of healthcare.  And since this is the psyche area of the prison, I'm expected to deliver the first line of mental health care.  I should have seen a change in him.  I should have seen that he was spiraling down and at the least talked to him if not outright notifying his psychiatrist or psychologist.  His mental health was in my hands and I failed him so badly that he died.  Suicidal thoughts are not natural and CAN be treated.  I just wasn't good enough to catch it.

So I had to stand by when the COs (correctional officers... they're not guards, they're correctional officers!) cut him down from his noose, and then watch as the other nurse and various COs gave him CPR until the ambulance came.

I'm certainly not to proud to admit that I cried.  Not only for his loss of life, but for my role in it.

Anyway... I slowly got used to working in 4 block.  After a couple weeks I was moved over to 5 block.  5 block is where they house the violent dangerous prisoners... most of whom are also on psyche meds.  Many nurses at the facility warned me that working in 5 was a lot worse than working in 4, but honestly I didn't see that much difference.

Just a quick aside; I should tell you that at no time at work do I feel in danger.  Yes, I'm working behind a secured perimeter surrounded by convicted felons with nothing to do but plan out schemes.  But I'm also in the one place on earth that is designed to contain people like this.  I am never more than a few yards away from a CO, and within these two blocks I'm not even allowed to see an inmate alone.  There is at least another RN with me if not a CO.  I am given a Personal Protection Device that looks like a garage door remote opener.  If I press the button on it, COs should come swarming to my location.  So yes, I do work in a dangerous environment, but I'm very well protected.

Back to work... after a single week in 5 block I got moved again.  This time to the south side health center.  The south side of the prison is separated from the north side as they only house level 1 inmates.  Level's work just as you'd think they do... level 1s are non violent offenders that are more often then not parole violators or nearing parole.  Level 2 and three are general population inmates and have a history of some violence, but not much.  Level 4 and 5 are those with a more distinct violent personality.  That violent tendency can be toward others or themselves... so all of 4 and 5 blocks' inmates are that level.  Level 6 is what would be considered super max in the federal system and they are not housed at the facility I work at.  So moving over to the south side health clinic was quite a change.  I'm still dealing with inmates but my job isn't to pass meds.  I'm doing annual health exams, I'm drawing blood for lab work and I'm seeing inmates with various health concerns.  Everything from chest pains to a sprained ankle.

Just this week I finally found out that I will be moving to second shift and will more than likely be staying in this location long term.  It's quite a relief as up until that email I wasn't sure where I would be working.  I wouldn't mind working in 4 or 5 block... I just wanted to know.   And moving to second shift might be a blessing in disguise.  First shift is from 5:30am until 2:00pm.  It's an hour drive, so I have to leave my house at 4:30.  To have an effective day I need to shit/shower/shave and get some coffee into me... so I have to get up at 3:30am.  Ick.  Getting up that early means going to bed around 10:00pm at the latest.  I don't worry about staying up that late though as I'm so tired in the evening that I'm often getting under the covers at 8:30pm.  Yup... I'm going to bed before prime time television has even hit it's stride.

Second shift is 1:30pm until 10:00pm.  I'll be getting home around 11:00pm where I can stay up for a bit and hit the sack around midnight.  I can sleep in until 6:00am or 7:00am and easily be ready to leave for work at 12:30.  This will fit into my natural sleep schedule better than going to bed so early and waking up hours before dawn.

Whelp.. I think I've shared enough for now.  As always, if you are curious about anything feel free to send me an email.  I still regularly check my caitlynmasked@gmail.com email account and can easily be reached there.  And while I don't plan on logging into Rachel's Haven for awhile, if you send me a PM there it will let me know by email.

Talk to you all later,
C

P.S.  I almost forgot to mention this.  My 'Recent Comments' gadget doesn't seem to work while the blog is private.  So until I find a solution I just removed it.  If you know of a work around or another way to display that information I'd be glad to hear about it.