Just Dance: Writing Problems

I've talked a few times about me writing a new story.  It's been almost a year since I published Thesis on Fictionmania.  My original plan was always to just pick up the baton where I left off and start a new story.  I even had a story idea I'd been working on since before Thesis with some great sexy scenes and a pretty good overall idea.  But then the reality hit.  

You (I) should be sad

I've talked about being sad before.  I've talked about having a Caitlyn side and how that affects me before.  I don't think I've ever talked about my Caitlyn side effecting or being affected by my sadness before.  Now, before I get to far into this I need to clear up how I think of myself.  I now accept that my feminine 'side' is a journey.  From 10 years ago when I started my Caitlyn's Masks blog and was an avowed heterosexual man with a fetish fantasy to now where I consider myself queer with a masculine side and a feminine side.  It's not static.  I don't think I'll consider myself in the same way 10 years from now.  But I no longer consider 'Caitlyn' a side or separate part of my conciousness... its just me under this skin.  Sometimes I'm feminine.  Sometimes I'm masculine.  Sometimes I'm both, sometimes I'm neither.  Language just doesn't quite cover how I feel and know I am, so forgive me if I stumble over words.  

Updates all over the place!

Nothing really big has been happening since my last pair of Calvin/Caitlyn updates.  Before I get into the new, let's cover updates from those updates.  First up, Calvin:

Caitlyn Updates

So, I started writing this out as one post but realized it quickly and easily breaks down into two.  One of them is from the every day me.  The one not concerned with my sexual identity.  The one concerned with family and my car and my phone and my job.  One of them is from my femme side.  The one that IS focused on his/her sexual identity and seeks out things that enhance her femininity especially because she can't experience those feelings in the "real" world.  So, this second part is about my femme life.  The previous post is about my 'normal' life.

Define Me

One of the best things about having this blog is that I get to not only have a conversation with 'you' but with myself.  I get to think a full thought through where otherwise it's just a fragment in my head that I can nod along with.  For example, for the longest time I referred to Caitlyn as if she were a separate part of me.  An entity in my head that was distinctly NOT me.  Then after writing it out I started talking about her as my feminine side.  I accepted her as a part of me.  And now, more recently, I feel comfortable simply talking about my feminine side.  I don't have a specific part of me that's feminine... I simply have a feminine aspect that waxes and wanes.  Calling that part of me by any name, let alone Caitlyn, feels out of date but I'm going to just go with it for now.

Caitlyn; comfortable in my own skin

This is a continuation of my Spring Renewal post.  I initially wanted it to be the same, as a single read through, but I think this deserves to be pulled out and added on it's own.  I think all of you followed me initially from Caitlyn's Masks, so I figured this would be of particular interest.  If you want to read through the entirety of my thought process, how I'm coming out of my winter funk and the other things that I'm doing to change and evolve, you're welcome to read Spring Renewal.  But you don't have to read it to get what I'm saying here.

She's Caitlyn

Point Blank; Caitlyn's gone again.

She set's me free

So over at D+X I have an ongoing thread that I titled my "Playlist Diary".  I share music there that touches me.  Sometimes it's just how it touches the 'me' that's Caitlyn over there, while other times it's music that touches 'me' as in the person writing those posts out.  And even then, sometimes that author 'me' is male and sometimes it's 'female'.

But the underlying current in that thread is that I"m sharing music.  I'll sometimes write out a scene with me in character, and sometimes explaining how that particular song is affecting me in real life.

So today after I wrote up the previous post about going to New Orleans I wasn't feeling particularly 'Caitlynesque'.  I've been thinking recently that I might be slipping out of her mentality, so I wasn't too surprised.  Instead of moping about it, I just continued to focus on New Orleans.  I went to youtube and watched videos about the plane I'm going to take (MD-88), about checking luggage in at the airport, about both Detroit's and New Orleans's airports, and then on to watching videos about New Orleans itself.  I started watching one that was in a Video Log (Vlog?) format and had a musical montage in the beginning with a song that I hadn't heard before.

At first, it was just one of those songs that I don't particularly like.  It's chill.  Chill music normally doesn't do anything for me.  I think slower songs are fine for that mood, or even more upbeat songs that are kept quiet enough to be background music.  But this one... well, it changed me.  It washed over me in a way that left me feeling very feminine.  I started hearing bits of the lyrics and one in particular caught my ear...

Changes Come, Changes Go

I still don't know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

And every time I thought I'd got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

-Changes by David Bowie

I don't think I've gone this long without a post here.  Ever.  But two big things have changed.  First, I started my new job in early November.  Second... Caitlyn's back. I'm going to take the job first as that's more of the reason I haven't posted here, although Caitlyn has her fingers in that pie too. 

So I've said a lot about this 'new' job here.  I've only been going after it for about a year now.  Almost everything I've said turned out to be true.  It's working only one out of five or six weekends.  It's Monday through Friday.  It's 10:30 AM to 7:00 PM.  It's at the intake center for the MDOC.  The commute is a little under 15 minutes.  It's a total of 13 miles both ways.... 6.2 miles there, 6.5 miles back.  There are a lot of personnel there including four other RNs on my shift.  There is no med room work (NONE!!!).

A Caitlyn Story

So while driving home I got into Caitlyn's headspace a bit.

Now before I get into this, some of this post will be a bit.... TMI.  I'm going to talk about masturbation a bit.  It won't be graphic, but if that's not something you want to read about then by all means, skip this post.

OK... so driving for 16 hours between Texas and Michigan gave me plenty of time to let my thoughts wander.  I thought about family, my future, work, future jobs, relationship.... a whole mess of things.  I didn't really make any headway or come upon any new conclusions so I won't go into those.  But I did come up with a story idea.

I think the reason that I got into this story was simply due to me being horny.  Yeah.. I had just visited with a family for four days which means I didn't masturbate at all.  I just find the idea of wanking it in someone else's shower kinda off putting.  Add in the day's driving down and I was now about six days without an orgasm.  For comparison's sake, I normally masturbate once a day.  That has held steady before I found Caitlyn, all throughout Caitlyn's time, and after I lost Caitlyn.  Hell... it's been that way since high school.

So needless to say, the urge struck me when I had plenty of time on my hands and nothing to do but watch the road.  When I get this way, I'll often just think of 'sexy scenes'.  Sometimes they'll be part of a narrative.  Sometimes I'll have a part in this scene (mostly now a days as the man, but sometimes still as the woman), and other times I'll just enjoy imagining a man and a woman having sex or being part of a scene.

She's NOT back, Depression

I'll start by saying that 'Caitlyn' is NOT back.   But I'm getting far more comfortable with her old haunts.  When I closed down the blog last June, I took a 'no Caitlyn' stance.  I still visited some other blogs, but I did that before Caitlyn.  Plus it was a way to keep in contact with some friends.  But I refused to update that blog once I hung the closed sign up.  And no, I don't consider the 'UnMasked' posts as updates.  Those were and continue to be mere attempts to ensure the blog stays up.  I didn't log into the Haven for a long time and didn't go to D+X either.  After a few months, I started to lurk.  I wouldn't allow myself to interact but I'd log into the Haven every once in awhile. It was even easier to lurk at D+X because it didn't require me to log in.

One of the things I did at D+X was to re-read some of my steamier posts.  The reaction I got from within was... odd.  On one hand I was turned on.  Not by the thought of being feminized, but just by the pure raw sexuality of the posts.  The ones that turned me on the most were actually my later posts.  By that time I was playing a fully feminized 'girl'.  I had no humiliation play or 'forced' play.  I was a woman there enjoying myself with other women, shemales, and yes even guys.  Where I remembered writing those scenes as the 'woman' I actually was enjoying them from the male perspective.

Don't Call It A Comeback

Boredom leads me to writing.

I complained that I didn't have much to fill my free time in the last post.  Thus being my weekend off of course leads to even more free time.

Saturday wasn't a problem.  The day started around 10 am with college game day and ended around midnight in the middle of the Oregon at Utah game.  Sunday though...  well it would have been a good time for t.v.  

After doing my normal morning web tour I perused this blog looking for... something.  Anything that could spark me doing something.  I read about how I wanted to help my family more... but really there isn't anything TO help my family with.  I read about how I didn't game much any more, but there isn't a game out that I want to play (that will change on Tuesday as Assassin's Creed Unity comes out).  I read about traveling, but it's not as though I can hit up Chicago for a couple hours.

And then I came to the beginning of this blog.  No.. not when I closed it off and started writing from a more personal perspective.  When I had intended this to be the place to write about writing a story.  I marveled at how much effort I put into setting up a story without ever starting it.  Writing out what I at least think of as a good outline, character bios... I even went through the idea of writing it as journal entries vs a personal narrative.  And in the end I just didn't do it.

Going Dark

If you are reading this post, then you should already know that many things have changed since my last post in February.  The whole idea of this blog was to write a TG themed story, but my interest in that endeavor faded.  I kept the blog up with the intention of returning to the idea, but if you've kept up with my other blog "Caitlyn's Masks", then you are aware that I'll probably never write this story out.

Instead, I'm going to re-task this blog into being a diary of sorts.  A way to keep in contact with all the friends that I've met over the years as Caitlyn.  It won't be a blog about "Caitlyn" in the sense of me talking about an exploration of my femininity.  Instead it will be me sharing the details and moments that make up my real life.  My job, my wants, my desires.  My friends, my family, my relaxation.  In other words... all the things that I haven't been able to share publicly without fear of someone in my real life being able to identify 'Me'.

To make sure these things aren't out in the open though, I'm going to have to close the doors here and let people in individually.  My closest friends will simply have to let me know which email address they use to log into blogger as that's the identification information blogger requires.  Anybody that has an interest in reading my normal every day musings is free to do so... but I won't just let anybody in.  To ensure that no one from my real life sneaks in and figures out who I am, I'll need to see at least a little proof that you are a member of this special community.  If you host a TG blog yourself, then you're more than welcome here.  If you commented on Caitlyn's Masks, then you're in.  If you are a member of Rachel's Haven, then you're invited.

I'll make the blog private in about a week (more than likely on August 10th or 11th).  If you want in, you'll just have to let me know your email so I can add you.  Send an email to me at 'caitlynmasked at gmail dot com', or send me a PM at the Haven.

Whining

To Whine:  To complain in a feeble or petulant way.

Yup.. sounds about right.

Ok.... this has devolved from me not being inspired, to me actually avoiding this.  It's true, I have everything I need to start writing.  Character's to work from, and outline to guide me when I wander off on some random path or wonder where to go from where I am... I've even decided to start writing from the second chapter.  But event this isn't enough.

I figure once I really buckle down and start writing, that I won't be able to stop.  That I'll get the narrative going in my head and I'll actually start writing faster and faster as I feel the story flow... but those first few words are... well... hard.

Final Prep Work

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Distractions

Umm... yeah.  I hate it when I make promises to myself and don't follow through on them.  It's worse when I do it publicly.  I obviously didn't get to the friend's bios.  I didn't get an updated outline.  I didn't get to start the writing process.

Truth be told, it was a combination of not feeling inspired and being distracted.   The lack of inspiration isn't surprising as my interest in (and fear of) doing this waxes and wanes.  I'm hoping that once the ground work is laid that I'll be able to bypass this reason for not writing.

But no matter what happens distractions will always be something that can derail my best laid plans.  And since I've gone on and on about inspirations, I figured I might as well open this door and talk a bit about distractions as well.

Happiness Found (Short story and Cap)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Surprising and unexpected happiness

So I've written about several ways that I try to inspire my own moods.  About how I try to nudge myself in the correct direction to get myself ready to work on a graphic, write and/or cap.

But all of that is used with the assumption that I am in a 'normal' mood.  A flat, not too happy, not too sad state of mind.  And to be honest I hadn't given that much thought until this afternoon.  Because I am in a very rare state... at least rare for me over the past few years.

I'm happy.

I'm not 'glad' that I had a kind of interview earlier this week.  I'm not glad that my birthday passed without much fanfare (which is how I prefer it).  I'm not even glad that I'm working this weekend (I didn't work 2 out of the last 4 weeks).  I'm just... happy.  I'm in a good mood.  The things that normally bring me down are still here and are still as serious and impending as they were yesterday.  I've done absolutely nothing to even work toward eliminating those things (I did buy a lottery ticket, but that didn't do it).  If I listed out the differences between yesterday and today I couldn't point to a single thing that would help predict that today would be a good mood day.

It just is.

Handler Bio

Sorry that I've been absent for awhile on this project.  A lot of things worked together to sap any creativity I had, but I'm putting that behind me and forging ahead.  I don't think I have a lot more 'prep' work to do before diving into writing.  If things go well, I should start that part early next week.  My goal is to have at least part of a chapter done and posted here by January 30th (next Wednesday).

But before I get there, I still have to flesh out some of the other characters, and finish with the outline.  I will say that I'm going to take Rauk's advice and not flesh out the outline completely.   I don't want to lock myself into a narrative that may change as I write out the Main Character's actions and reactions to what's happening.

New Story Idea

I know, I know.  I haven't even really started this story so I shouldn't focus on another.  But I wanted to write this idea out so that I can hopefully come back to it later and maybe make it another project.

You know I've always been a big fan of the 'Good Guy in the Wrong Place' scenario.  Normally this manifests itself in a person getting transformed (or at least convincingly dressed and made over) and having to fool people around him.  At the same time that he doesn't want to be female, he has to convince others that he IS female... often sexually... or risk losing something (his girlfriend/wife, his good friends, his business...).  But every step he makes to convince people of his femininity he makes it harder and harder to ever get back to 'normal' and even ups the stakes as to what he will lose if he's found out.

That always makes me melt into a little puddle when I read it or even think about it.  But there's another side of that scenario.