Spring is in the air. Change is in the air. I can feel myself coming out of a funk that winter always gives me. Don't get me wrong, I adore winter... the beautiful white snow, the crisp cold air, driving on slick roads, having storms where you don't worry about tornadoes or drenching rain... but it's almost always gotten me down.
But this year I have several 'changes' in progress that are different. I'm not simply coming out of a funky mental/creative slumber. I'm making changes to my life. Lemme put these into the two categories of purposeful changes and unconscious changes. The purposeful changes including ending my toxic friendship, taking on a more 'leader' role at work instead of just a supervisory role, accepting who Caitlyn is in my life. The unconscious changes include just being more comfortable in my own skin, and listening to my gut and moving on its instincts.
Let's talk about all of these in turn.
Ending that friendship was the best thing I've done in quite awhile.
I left off this post with his response of "Okay, Take care." I should have known better when I thought he was showing some great control. Later that day he sent me an email saying that he valued all the time we spent together, that he'll miss me, and that he'll always be there for me. He finished the email with a quote ""Loyalty is a rarity in life." Okay, he really only needed to respond with the "Okay, Take care" but I'm fine receiving this as a last message.
An hour later he tried to explain one of his comments away that he thought offended me. Pardon me for the extra set up, but this really does need to be laid out. While watching the Michigan vs Michigan State game, I was asking questions about the teams, basketball in general, and how the game was going. One of the other guys at the table mentioned that over the past few years Michigan has always had a "Big Dumb White Guy" from Eastern Europe on the court and that this year is no different. I nodded as Michigan has a player named Ignas Brazdekis who's 216 pounds, six foot seven, and is Lithuanian/Canadian along with seven foot one 260 pound center Jon Teske. I don't know about dumb, but they're both big white guys playing for Michigan. Now in my email to my former friend explaining how much he had pissed me off, I mentioned that it always pisses me off when he talks about me and Michigan along with him and Michigan State in personal terms. "We killed you guys on the court". So with that as the setup; he sent a text an hour after the "Loyalty is a rarity..." email saying that he sees where he fucked up and that he wasn't referring to me when joking about big dumb white guys and was completely aware that I wasn't in fact on the court playing for Michigan.
I should add that this is now 10:20 at night. I could say that it was Sunday, but the day of the week doesn't matter when it comes to this friend and drinking. In short, he was drinking and starting to lose it. He's remembering some of the details and putting them together in a way that doesn't make sense, and figured that I got so upset at him because I thought he was calling me a Big Dumb White Guy playing for Michigan. I mean... come on. First, if I could play basketball and get a full ride scholarship to play for Michigan and go to the sweet sixteen, I'd be dancing in the street. Second, while I am a big white guy, I don't mind people saying so. And I'm not so sensitive that being called 'dumb' is something that bothers me. But hey.... he's drunk so I just left that as is.
Almost an hour later he sends me another text saying "Sorry that friendship is so shallow with you. #Sad". He hates President Trump and absolutely despises the way he'll add #Sad after a tweet... so now I'd imagine he had moved on and was watching the news or reading some political blog and just sent that out.
Then thirty minutes later he sends me the Dire Straights video for their song "Walk".
Uhh.... okay? I'm not really even sure what he means by that video. Does he see me as 'Walk'ing away? Is he telling me he's 'Walk'ing on? The song itself seems to be about a musician on a train, so I can't see any literal lyrical connection to our situation. I just don't know, but again I'm happy to have that be the end.
Three days later he sends an email. Some more setup though. We had an ongoing bet on the Michigan vs Michigan State football game. At first it was just cash. $5 to the winning fan. Later we added another $5 for against the spread (more likely to keep it close). Then four years ago I upped it a bit with a Michigan and Michigan State challenge coin. We each got one and then bet on smaller versions of them. If I won, I got to keep the smaller versions while we both, no matter what, got to keep the challenge coins.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LX89S0G/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00LX870D8/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BLW94QW/
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BLW9570/
The smaller versions are actually golf ball markers as the logos actually slide off, but they're still cool. I got these years ago, so the prices are a little different but I paid about $65 for those coins. Not to mention that the money bets either ended up with me paying him for both the game and against the spread, or the bets canceling each other out. The money didn't matter though, as it was all for friendly competition that would keep the game more exciting.
About three years ago he went out and bought something really special... a 14 inch replica of the Paul Bunyan Trophy that Michigan and Michigan State have played for since 1953!I was very VERY excited about this, especially since Michigan won that year! For a solid year I kept Paul at my house. The next year, Michigan State won, so Paul moved up to his place. And then this past fall, Michigan won again and Paul has been sitting proudly displayed in my living room.
I really didn't think that much about giving the statue back. I mean, yeah he bought it but it's not like I wanted the coins back. I bought the coins for the game and to share with him and just figured he had done the same for the statue. Well, I guess I was wrong. The email that he sent me was "I paid $70 for the trophy and I'd like it back." He had already called a place that would pack it and ship it and all I needed to do was drop it off. He also told me he'd drop the coins back in the mail.
He was actually going to pay between $30 and $50 to ship this $70 statue back to him. Plus the $10 or so to get the coins back to me (they're coins... no packing needed. Just a padded envelope.) A $70 statue that he can buy online (its $75 now) with free shipping. I considered telling him that I'd drive up and drop it off for him, but hey if he wants to spend $50 to be a child and finally walk away from our friendship, then fine.
I told him to keep the coins as I didn't buy them for myself, that they were purchased for him and for the game. I'm going to miss the statue.... right up until the shop has them back in stock and I buy one for myself.
Two further days later he sends me another email. I find it really insulting and probably would have responded to it if I didn't get it while I was on vacation. Another piece of prep before I get to the email... this is the friend who I told about Caitlyn. That's how close our friendship was, that I felt comfortable confiding that to him. He has a gay brother so he immediately thought that's what I meant. I had to explain to him that I wasn't a homosexual male, but instead, in my mind, I'm both a heterosexual male and a heterosexual female. And that no matter which 'head space' I was in, I wasn't seeking out, or all that interested in, physical sex. I even told him my feminine name was Caitlyn, that I had a blog where I wrote more or less porn, and that I role played a lot of the fantasies out online. I didn't tell him the names of the blog or D+X, but he had enough information to find it if he so desired.
Okay, the email. I'm just going to quote it here as he puts so many points out that I find it upsetting in trying to summarize it.
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Dear (Calvin),
I enjoyed every minute with you.
You're living a repressed life.
I've always sensed a fragility in your fealty. Friends do not keep score. i.e., your reasons for burning our friendship don't hold water. For whatever reason, you were seeking a way out.
Something else is going on.
You confided in me at least twice. You told me about Bethany.
Live your life, whatever that is.
Be gay.
Fuck what other people think.
Should I ever see you again, I hope you're living your true self.
I love you, and you are worthy of love.
The end.
Peace.
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I started off thinking that he'd probably like to hear that I'm actually feeling less and less repressed. That Caitlyn is becoming more and more of my daily life. But then the rest of that shit... he doesn't even remember my feminine name? And even if he did, he believes that THAT's what made me want to stop being friends with him? And he still thinks I'm "Gay"? Put as much frosting flowery words after that 'living my true self' and 'worthy of love' and 'peace', but you don't cover up that shit sandwich before that. But as I said above.... fuck it. It's now over and he'll move on with his life. Up until this point, I haven't responded to any of his texts or emails. He got a long email explaining why I didn't want to be friends with him any longer, and he's done all this.
I keep asking myself if he can see his own reactions. We had an argument and I left in a huff. The next day I sent him an email explaining that his drinking and his attitude were toxic to me and that I was better off with us not being friends any longer. Since then he's responded with indifference (Okay, Take Care), a confused explanation (him thinking I was only insulted by him calling me a big dumb guy that plays basketball for Michigan), bitterness (friendship is evidently shallow for me #Sad), a confusing video (did he maybe mean Walk This Way by Aerosmith?), childishness (paying money to make sure I don't keep 'his' statue), and finally insulting (I'm not fragile in my fealty, repressed, gay, or Bethany). I honestly believe he's either purposefully or unconsciously trying to get a response out of me.
He even unfriended me on Facebook. We both share the same politics and I'd often get a smile at seeing the stuff he'd share as well as sharing stuff specifically so he'd see it. I have plenty of people on my Facebook page that aren't real friends. Co-workers, nursing students I went to school with and haven't seen for 7 years, friends of friends, some dude and his wife that we met in Mexico... but now he doesn't want to be my friend on Facebook.
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update; he's still blocking me from seeing him on Facebook, but can evidently still see me and has 'liked' several of my posts. He's not tech savvy so I'm not sure if he even realizes the dichotomy he's presenting.
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I should have dropped him long ago. I honestly feel like a weights been lifted off of me ever since I sent that initial email.
Taking a Leadership role at work.
So, I've been away from work for almost three weeks now. I left for my Dallas vacation on March 12th, got back and worked on the 21st and 22nd, then have been in training for the past week. Even if the training was nursing or about some new program, or specifically about being a nurse supervisor, it would have been a relief as just being away from work has done wonders. I'm sleeping better, eating better, and just overall feel more invigorated and awake than I have in months.
But the training wasn't anything standard and was something that actually surprised me, coming from the Michigan Department of Corrections. It was 'New Supervisor Leadership Training". The entire week could be summed up with "Be a Leader and not just a Supervisor". About how to take charge and help those that we supervise. About worrying less about specific tasks that need to be done and focusing instead of making our poor employees good and our good employees great (and our great employees ready to take our place when we promote further upward!).
It wasn't even just about health care in the prison environment, although there were three other nursing supervisors there. They also included new Lieutenants, new Mechanical Plant supervisors, Field Office Parole supervisors, and new Food Service supervisors, so there was a great mix from just about everybody that's a state employee and in a supervisory role inside the department.
Some of the training WAS specific to our jobs. We had people in from labor relations to let us know how to deal with those we supervise and how to deal with conflict. We had people from human resources to let us know how to complete our performance reviews (it's an ancient program that won't work on Windows 10 and will be changing later this year). But we also go to hear from the administration. We had the deputy director for the budget come in and talk to us about the future direction of the department. We had the deputy director for the prisons come in and tell us about the future of the facilities. We even had the director come in and give us her personal vision for the next 4 years and then stayed to take questions for an hour.
But the last day really struck home. The first half of the day was spent explaining how to differentiate between being a leader and being a supervisor. About laying down a foundation of trust for those we supervise by trusting them to do their jobs and not simply doing it for them. By delegating some tasks to them to show that we trust them with other more important goals. About talking to them regularly and not just at staff meetings or annual performance reviews... about finding out what their goals are and then encouraging them to not only pursue them, but to help them pursue them.
The reason I found that so rewarding is that it was like holding up a mirror and looking at what I'm already doing. I trust the nurses that I supervise to do their jobs. I'm honest with them and delegate some tasks to them. I talk to those working in my department every day before I hit my office, and after a quick "Hows the day going?" conversation, we talk about them. I know that two want to move to day shift because it would work better for their families. I know that one is getting married soon and has been planning on it since getting this job. I know another that's considering going back to school to get his RN license, while another LPN is happy with her current position. And one that's recently moved to midnight's but wants to be a supervisor like me, I've been sending her an email at least once a week to let her know what I've been doing and what she can do to prepare for those same types of tasks when she gets her own supervisor role.
And more than that, I'm already the Health Unit Manager's (HUM) right hand man. More than the supervisor that's been there for 15 years (three as a supervisor), more than the supervisor that had been in that role for over 10 years, and more than the acting supervisor (the 10 year supervisor retired earlier this month) that's been there for 20 years and has had acting supervisor roles going back more than 5 years. The HUM talks to me about her problems and listens to my suggestions.
So without focusing on it, I've already been on the leadership path. Yes, it's put me behind on a lot of the tasks I need to get finished on a daily or weekly or monthly basis, but that's only because I spend so much time with those that I supervise. Moving forward this won't be an unconscious action... I'll transform myself to be a leader of our facility and keep my eye on that prize.
Oh, and it's not just my HUM recognizing my abilities. One of the Director's of Nursing (DoN) is going to set up a time when I can go and mentor with another strong supervisor. Not because I really need it, but because I don't have a role model at my current facility and they think it won't be long until I'm ready to move into a HUM position myself. I'd given myself between 3 and 4 years to get used to being a nurse supervisor before I even thought about moving up to the HUM position... now I think that will be within my grasp within a couple years!
I'm going to cover accepting Caitlyn and being more comfortable in my own skin at the end of this post because they're closely related. So, before I get to those lets cover...
Listening to my gut and moving on instinct.
This is probably the hardest to explain, because in some ways I've always listened to my gut and moved on instinct. But in the past, it was done on things that I didn't stop to think about. When I did stop to consider some problem or future action, I'd just ignore what my gut would say and do enough research to give me an answer. If it matched what my gut said, great. If it didn't, no big deal.
Well now, I'm going with my gut first. That's not to say that I'm making big purchases without consideration or ending friendships at the snap of a finger. But where I'd try to get emperical data before even considering what my gut was telling me, I'm considering what my gut tells me to do and then doing research on that outcome to see if it's a good fit. If it is, great. If it isn't, then I'll move on and do more research.
For example, my car is off of it's lease in early June 2020. It's a three year, 36,000 mile lease and I've been searching for my new car since... oh, July of 2017. Yeah, a month after I got it! This past fall I laid out a timeline for my decision, otherwise I'd just continue to dream about cars. I have to have my mind made up between one or two cars by Christmas and have it down to "The One" by the New Year. I'll allow January for any last minute changes.... say I find out that there are great deals to be had on a particular car that I wanted and it's now within price range, I'll give it some due thought. But by February I should have my car picked out. I'll know what features I want to have on it, and know how to search all the major sites for it.
Some cars that I have in my holding pattern right now are the Mustang Ecoboost, the Volvo XC40, the Lexus UX 250h, the Cadillac ATS (preferably a Coupe), a BMW 3 series, a Mercedes Benz GLA 250, a Tesla model 3, and a Tesla model S. And I just this past week heard about the Kia all Electric Niro that will probably make it onto the list. I had the Buick Regal GS, the Prius 4 Touring, and the Genesis G70 on the list but after sitting in each of those at the North American International Auto Show in January, they've all fallen off (The Buick feels cheap inside, the Prius IS cheap inside, and the Genesis is too small inside).
I've made up a spreadsheet and each week I add some more data to it so that I can consider each of these cars. I've included features that are an absolute must have and features that are big wants. I just about have the Mustang Ecoboost finished and have about half the research done on the Tesla 3.
That's the old me. My gut says the Mustang.... either a brand new Ecoboost Premium or a slightly used GT Premium. My gut says that damnit, I'm 45 and will be 46 when I get this car. I'll have it for at least 4 or 5 years before I can trade it in as I'll be putting a ton of miles on it. And damn it, my gut tells me that I want to have a mid life crisis car! I've had luxury... Isabella has all the features I want except for self driving and is cushy and wonderfully luxurious. I've had fuel efficient... Ginger was a mid sized sedan that got about 40 miles per gallon. I've had cheap fun... Fiona was hot in her yellow paint and 17 inch wheels. But without giving up on some of those luxury features (heated steering wheel, adaptive cruise, remote start, rain sensing wipers...) I want to have a muscle car. Not just a muscle car, but a muscle car that screams about youth and immaturity.
When I made up my spreadsheet I didn't even include the GT Mustang because it's a big V8. The Ecoboost produces well 310 horsepower and 350 foot pounds of torque. It would be the most powerful car I've ever had. It would look just like the GT without the 5.0 badges on the side or the GT badge on the back. Hell, it would have the same color (Orange Fury of course!). But you know what the Ecoboost doesn't have? That V8 muscle car sound:
(go to 12:50 in the video to hear what I want to hear!)
All the other cars on my list have compromises that I'm hoping can be overcome. The Mustang Ecoboost is 95% of what I want, it just doesn't have the sound. The Volvo looks sweet and funky and luxurious on the inside, and like a stupid SUV on the outside. The Lexus IS luxurious on the inside, but it it comes with only a CVT transmission and I hated having that CVT tranny in my Ginger. The BMW would be too expensive without going for the base package, and while the GLA can be found in my price range it's hard to find all the features I want because Mercedes Benz has practically all of them as individual options. The Tesla 3 is just too expensive new and doesn't include heated steering, and the Tesla S is too expensive without getting one that's 4 or 5 years old (and therefore doesn't have the new autonomous driving that I really want). Plus both Teslas require me to make about a $1000 to $3000 electric improvement to my house. The Kia would require the same home improvement as the Teslas and isn't nearly as cool as a Tesla (nor as powerful!).
So why wouldn't I want the GT? What's the compromise that's keeping me from listening to and going with my gut? Gas Mileage. It gets 15 mpg in the city and 25 on the highway. Isabella right now gets 20 and 29! My monthly gasoline bill is about $150 (and that's pushing it high). Adding 25% would take it to $188. And I know what you're thinking next.... there's no way I'm going to get the 15/25 they're selling, but I don't currently get anywhere near the 20/29 on Isabella! Even if I add some more "Foot In The Go Pedal!" fees, I doubt my monthly gasoline bill would top $200. In fact, my current bill often includes filling up Mom's Escape since I drive it a couple days a week, and I put in way more gas than I use.
The other reason to not get a GT? Price. Specing out a brand new one the way I want costs just about $50,000 which isn't bad, but the monthly payment goes up to almost $900 (over 5 years... I don't want to pay over 6 years!). If I get a used one though... 2 years old with under 36,000 miles (so I can add the extended warranty if I so choose), puts the price closer to $35,000. And at 5 years with a 2.99% interest rate, that's a payment of $629 a month! So price isn't something that's stopping me. The only reason the Ecoboost is STILL in the running is that I could get a similarly speced out Mustang brand spanking new. And while it's hard to find a Mustang exactly like I'd want, I could always just have them order it. Sure, I lose out on wheeling and dealing, but it's a bucket list thing to actually ORDER a brand new car. I've purchased new, and I've leased new... now I could say I ordered one exactly the way I want new.
So why not go with my Gut? Going with my gut doesn't mean I won't do the research, but more or less it's saying that I'm going to get a Mustang of one flavor or the other, and consider a few other cars while I wait for my lease to be up. By March of next year, I"ll be ready to make a decision... but it won't take me 2 or 3 more months from now to figure out which horse (pony?) is out in front!
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I started writing this post on March 30th but had to stop. It's now April 6th (a week later) and I have to wonder why I went so deep down the rabbit hole of cars... but I did, so I'll continue!
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Another way of going with my gut is the way I'm spending money. I talked before about making up some 'savings' and transferring any extra money per pay-period into another account that I can't touch. At the time, I took time to consider the possible problems with that. The problems included making up too big of a pile so that I'd be tempted to make a big purchase, or assigning a larger purchase to it in advance and then buying that on instinct instead of simply having a savings cushion. But my gut says to just save the damned money. Get into the habit of saving and figure out what to do about/with the savings later. If I get better at saving, then I'll simply improve my life! So now I save without thought (although I've blown through money lately and haven't had much 'extra' to put away).
Some other gut decisions real quick:
Smoking - I'm not ready to quit, stop beating myself up about it. Smoke, and consider quitting again later.
Diabetes - fighting so hard to not go on insulin and making almost every aspect of my life a little harder to deal with isn't worth it. Don't give up, but don't let the fear of becoming insulin dependent stop me from living my life.
Clothing - I don't need anymore. Stop it!
Shoes - I don't need anymore. Stop it!
Upgrading the phone - Get one that's good for 2 years and then accept I'm going to upgrade on that time table.
Okay, so I should move on to Accepting Caitlyn and Being more comfortable in my own skin, but I'm going to put that into it's own post. It's part of the spring renewal but would be the dominant part of this post and only start half way through.
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