Sexual Desire and Writing

Wasn't it Joni Mitchel that said you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?  Or was that Linkin Park?  Or Monica?  Or... okay, I'm sure it was a cool lyric, but I'm talking about me and... I guess sexual desire?  It's complicated.  A quick warning, this is personal.  If you're a regular reader here, then you've read stuff like this before, but if you're just interested in my writing stuff, this might get more personal that you thought you'd read.  It's going to talk about my sexuality, my sexual experiences, masturbation, and sexual energy.  If you don't want to know about those things in relations to me, then stop and go read Just Dance or Gamer Gurl or something else.  If you do want to know about how this all comes together... step inside a trip into my mind and soul. 

Paying for Porn

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fetishizing Fetishes

Almost everybody that knows me here knows that I have a fetish.  Feminization.  But it goes way beyond that.  And let's face it, there are hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands, of fetishes.  I obviously can't talk about all of them, but I wanted to touch on the subject a bit as it's been playing around in my head.  This might be a wandering post, so be forewarned.  

Pride

I both love and hate that the LGBT+ community is a big umbrella with so much under it.  It has gender identity, gender, sexual identity, sexual attractions, and combinations therein.  That's a LOT to get under one umbrella.  I remember first learning about 'Pride Month' and hearing it referred to as 'Gay Pride Month'.  The same thing applies to the Pride Flag as I first heard of it as the Gay Pride Flag.  Well.... that's problematic.  

Vacation Adventure

I don't normally want to make a full post of vacations unless something special happens.  Vacations are time to relax and forget the world.  That's what I expected on this one, but three big things are worth noting.  1) Tiffany is a fine fine ride!  2) Being stuck on the side of the road for 20 hours sucks SO bad.  3) I told my friends about my queerness.  Let's get into it.  

Who am/was I?

"I don't even have a concept of who I was back then."  That's something I heard in a podcast I like to listen to that's really stuck with me.  It got me thinking... who was I back in 2010?  Let's take a look and see. 

How can I be more feminine?

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about femininity.  Just to update everybody, I'm queer.  I've only really accepted this definition for myself for the past 18 months.  To me, queer means I am both man and woman.  My gender is not one or the other, it's a gray scale between them.  At times I am completely masculine.  At times I am completely feminine.  My gender preference seems to follow my current gender, so when I'm masculine I'm more attracted to women and when I'm feminine I'm more attracted to men.  

You (I) should be sad

I've talked about being sad before.  I've talked about having a Caitlyn side and how that affects me before.  I don't think I've ever talked about my Caitlyn side effecting or being affected by my sadness before.  Now, before I get to far into this I need to clear up how I think of myself.  I now accept that my feminine 'side' is a journey.  From 10 years ago when I started my Caitlyn's Masks blog and was an avowed heterosexual man with a fetish fantasy to now where I consider myself queer with a masculine side and a feminine side.  It's not static.  I don't think I'll consider myself in the same way 10 years from now.  But I no longer consider 'Caitlyn' a side or separate part of my conciousness... its just me under this skin.  Sometimes I'm feminine.  Sometimes I'm masculine.  Sometimes I'm both, sometimes I'm neither.  Language just doesn't quite cover how I feel and know I am, so forgive me if I stumble over words.  

Updates all over the place!

Nothing really big has been happening since my last pair of Calvin/Caitlyn updates.  Before I get into the new, let's cover updates from those updates.  First up, Calvin:

Caitlyn Updates

So, I started writing this out as one post but realized it quickly and easily breaks down into two.  One of them is from the every day me.  The one not concerned with my sexual identity.  The one concerned with family and my car and my phone and my job.  One of them is from my femme side.  The one that IS focused on his/her sexual identity and seeks out things that enhance her femininity especially because she can't experience those feelings in the "real" world.  So, this second part is about my femme life.  The previous post is about my 'normal' life.

Love/Hate

I started writing this with no idea what all I was going to talk about.   I normally have an idea when I start a post and even have an idea of what I'm going to title the post plus what kind of image I want to use.  But as I started writing I knew I wanted to update you on my brother B's situation, let you know about my trip to Dallas and San Fran, tell you about talking to my friends A and E about my Queerness, and even talk about Nina on the road.  I just didn't realize that almost everything I was going to touch on would involve Love and Hate.  I Love my brother and hate his situation.  I Love my other brother while at the same time Hating him.  I Love driving and Hate that Nina isn't as comfortable.  I Love San Fran's liberal status, but Hate that they can't take care of their problems.  I Love flying.  So... let's go with Love/Hate.

Define Me

One of the best things about having this blog is that I get to not only have a conversation with 'you' but with myself.  I get to think a full thought through where otherwise it's just a fragment in my head that I can nod along with.  For example, for the longest time I referred to Caitlyn as if she were a separate part of me.  An entity in my head that was distinctly NOT me.  Then after writing it out I started talking about her as my feminine side.  I accepted her as a part of me.  And now, more recently, I feel comfortable simply talking about my feminine side.  I don't have a specific part of me that's feminine... I simply have a feminine aspect that waxes and wanes.  Calling that part of me by any name, let alone Caitlyn, feels out of date but I'm going to just go with it for now.

Caitlyn; comfortable in my own skin

This is a continuation of my Spring Renewal post.  I initially wanted it to be the same, as a single read through, but I think this deserves to be pulled out and added on it's own.  I think all of you followed me initially from Caitlyn's Masks, so I figured this would be of particular interest.  If you want to read through the entirety of my thought process, how I'm coming out of my winter funk and the other things that I'm doing to change and evolve, you're welcome to read Spring Renewal.  But you don't have to read it to get what I'm saying here.

Spring Renewal

Spring is in the air.  Change is in the air.  I can feel myself coming out of a funk that winter always gives me.  Don't get me wrong, I adore winter... the beautiful white snow, the crisp cold air, driving on slick roads, having storms where you don't worry about tornadoes or drenching rain... but it's almost always gotten me down.

But this year I have several 'changes' in progress that are different.  I'm not simply coming out of a funky mental/creative slumber.  I'm making changes to my life.  Lemme put these into the two categories of purposeful changes and unconscious changes.  The purposeful changes including ending my toxic friendship, taking on a more 'leader' role at work instead of just a supervisory role, accepting who Caitlyn is in my life.  The unconscious changes include just being more comfortable in my own skin, and listening to my gut and moving on its instincts.

She's Caitlyn

Point Blank; Caitlyn's gone again.

A Friend Knows My Secret

There's no hiding the big reveal until the end in this post.  Last weekend I told a friend that a part of me is Caitlyn.

I didn't spill all the beans, but I told him enough of what's going on inside my head so that he knows I am at least partially female, and that part of me has a name and a personality all her own.

This is my friend A.  Not the A that lives down in Texas, but the A that lives closer to me (I really have to get a better way of shortening and obscuring the names of people I know).  Anyway, A and I went out to a local brew pub, shared some beers (very tasty beers) and some pizza, and then ended back at his place.  This is our normal weekend hanging out together. He generally works on Saturdays so I meet up with him after he's gotten out of work, we go eat and drink and chat, we walk around and chat, then end up back at his place and chat some more.  He drinks more than me, so more often than not he ends up quite inebriated and I end up frustrated as our talks break down after that.

A is one of my friends that I've considered telling about Caitlyn before.  He's a good man.  He's open and honest and open minded.  I had it in my head that I'd tell him this weekend, but I just didn't know how.  I mean, this isn't exactly a subject that you bring up out of nowhere, but at the same time it's not something that you just slide into a normal conversation either.  Talking about it at the brew pub wasn't really an option as I wanted it to be less public than that.

So... I bought a dildo.

I thought long and hard (go ahead... laugh at the unintended double entendre) about where to post this.  The Masks blog or here.  I mean, is this Caitlyn or Calvin?  And I guess the best answer is that it's both.  And since I'm pulling 'Calvin' out of the 'Caitlyn' blog, I figure it should go over here.

But fair warning;  this is sexual and fetish and fantasy and open and honest.  I'm blushing right here and now just imagining what i'm going to be talking about and I'm only on the second paragraph.  I guess it doesn't help that I've already titled this post and I've already got that image of the woman in pink sunglasses (mask?) drooling on her dildo.  But anyway.... here it goes.

I posted earlier this month about a road trip I was going to take.  I took it, and it was just as fun and as relaxing as I was hoping for.  I didn't realize just how stressed out I was in just about every aspect of my life.   Work, Home, Friends, Family, Fantasy, Calvin, and Caitlyn.  I was stressed out and needed a break.  So the two days driving down was a good partial relaxation.  I felt the stress just melt away the two days I was with A and his family.  That left the two days driving back and that was... well, it was eye opening.

Changes Come, Changes Go

I still don't know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

And every time I thought I'd got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

-Changes by David Bowie

I don't think I've gone this long without a post here.  Ever.  But two big things have changed.  First, I started my new job in early November.  Second... Caitlyn's back. I'm going to take the job first as that's more of the reason I haven't posted here, although Caitlyn has her fingers in that pie too. 

So I've said a lot about this 'new' job here.  I've only been going after it for about a year now.  Almost everything I've said turned out to be true.  It's working only one out of five or six weekends.  It's Monday through Friday.  It's 10:30 AM to 7:00 PM.  It's at the intake center for the MDOC.  The commute is a little under 15 minutes.  It's a total of 13 miles both ways.... 6.2 miles there, 6.5 miles back.  There are a lot of personnel there including four other RNs on my shift.  There is no med room work (NONE!!!).

"Is he your partner?"

So that I can write my thoughts out faster, lemme set some things out here first.  I don't look at or see 'Gay' as an offensive word.  The thinking voice in my head almost always uses the term 'Gay' when it's forming thoughts about homosexual men.  When I speak or write, I often will change that internal 'gay' to homosexual.  But that's my internal censor especially when talking to people who have anti-homosexual feelings.   I guess I want it to sound both more intellectual and at the same time want to remove the idea of a derogatory term from their vocabulary.

But I don't think of it as derogatory.

OK. With that out of the way let's get into this.  I've often had the feeling that some if not many people assume I'm gay.  This goes back to the 90s while I was in college and afterward while working in Chicago.  I don't know where that thought came from.  Maybe it was my own internal struggle.  I was reading a lot of transgendered stories, and had fantasies of being turned into a woman.  I had and have spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to give a blow job.

I'd often take a step back and look at my life and see... gayness.  I would wear more flamboyant clothes.  I was working on a career as a photographer.  I didn't follow sports closely.  I wasn't dating.  I was living with a guy.  Does any of this mean gay?  No.  Gay has a very strict definition; being sexually attracted to a person of the same gender.