I didn't spill all the beans, but I told him enough of what's going on inside my head so that he knows I am at least partially female, and that part of me has a name and a personality all her own.
This is my friend A. Not the A that lives down in Texas, but the A that lives closer to me (I really have to get a better way of shortening and obscuring the names of people I know). Anyway, A and I went out to a local brew pub, shared some beers (very tasty beers) and some pizza, and then ended back at his place. This is our normal weekend hanging out together. He generally works on Saturdays so I meet up with him after he's gotten out of work, we go eat and drink and chat, we walk around and chat, then end up back at his place and chat some more. He drinks more than me, so more often than not he ends up quite inebriated and I end up frustrated as our talks break down after that.
A is one of my friends that I've considered telling about Caitlyn before. He's a good man. He's open and honest and open minded. I had it in my head that I'd tell him this weekend, but I just didn't know how. I mean, this isn't exactly a subject that you bring up out of nowhere, but at the same time it's not something that you just slide into a normal conversation either. Talking about it at the brew pub wasn't really an option as I wanted it to be less public than that.
I guess I should explain a bit about A. He's a few years older than me. Not old enough to be a father/uncle type age. Maybe an extended brother age. He has a daughter and has been married more than once. He's not currently married, but he is looking for a woman. When we first met up last weekend he told me he'd met somebody, but there was a problem. For all intents and purposes she seemed like an ideal match. He found her attractive and funny and open minded. She liked many of the things he liked and disliked many of the things he disliked. They were close enough to be similar but not the same. His only problem with her was that she colored her hair an unnatural shade of red.
I didn't give much more thought to the conversation other than to congratulate him, tell him that I understood how a small physical appearance could be an immediate turn off, and suggest he tell her about his concern and at the same time try to look past it. We then moved on in both conversation and setting. Eat, drink, and return back to his place. Later he brought up the fact that he should look past the merely physical as at his age he's not just looking for sex. He's looking more for companionship. I nodded in understanding and went into my own sexual experiences and desires. I kind of covered what I'd talked about in my recent dildo post... about how I'd been considering more and more that I'm asexual. About how I'm not really looking for a sexual partner and not really interested in finding one. That I'm coming close to accepting that sex won't ever be a part of my life again.
You know, as long as I'm opening up to A, I may as well as open up here too. I've told so many variations on this that I'm not sure what I've said on this blog before. But here it goes. I had sex for the first time when I was 15. I remember the age very well because I both had my learners permit for driving and that I was rather proud at losing my virginity at such a 'young' age. The only problem was that I didn't love her. I wanted to have sex, found someone willing to fall in love with me, had sex with her, and then more or less dumped her. It wasn't exactly a short relationship, but in my reckoning it was shorter than it should have been. We stayed together for a few months... long enough for me to turn 16 and get my actual drivers licence. That age also sticks in my head as it's the last time I had sex. Yup. I haven't had sex for over 25 years.
I'm not sure I've been that open with A, but it did seem relevant to the conversation as I was trying to explain my thoughts on asexuality. In those years since I was 16 I haven't had a strong urge to go out and have sex. I've had plenty of urges to fall in love and I've assumed sex would be part of that.... but sex wasn't ever the driving force. Any physical urge I've had I've been able to take care of myself.
Anywho... I realized suddenly that this was the very perfect opportunity to explain my other half to A. I mean, we're already having a talk about sex and we dont' often delve into an intimate subject like that. So I sputtered and hemmed and hawed and finally just let him know. I told him that I wasn't sure about a lot of sexual terms as I considered myself asexual, heterosexual, and at the same time bisexual. Bisexual because there's a part of me that I consider to be feminine. I don't believe I'm transgender as I don't want to live my life as a woman, but mentally I AM a woman at least partially. Not partially as in all the time but not all the way, but all the way only part of the time.
And you know what? A's reaction was more or less as serious as if I'd told him I don't like chocolate. It was just... he took it in, accepted it, and moved on. It's not that we dropped it completely, but it was just no big deal. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but that just wasn't it. And I guess that's a good thing. It did take a bit to explain how Caitlyn exists in my head and while I feel completely like a heterosexual female, I don't have any desire to actually be with a man because I know I'm NOT a woman. I'd only want to be with a man if I were, and I don't ever want to fully be a woman. So, much like my fantasy of being with a woman now (I'm really talking/thinking/writing from my Calvin perspective right now) where I don't expect it to ever happen, I feel the same way about my fantasy of being with a man. It's just not going to happen.
About the only stumbling block A put up was trying to 'convince' me to live my life fully. He even offered the services of his brother to help introduce me to some men. His brother is gay. But it didn't take long to convince A that I WAS living my life fully. That even if I were a woman... genetically, physically, AND mentally... I still wouldn't be looking for sex. And since I'm not a woman, I am most certainly NOT looking for sex with a man.
That's it. We ended up talking a few hours more and ended with politics (where we normally end up our conversations). I slept in his spare room, we got up and went out to breakfast and I went home. There it is. Someone that's only known me as Calvin now knows that I'm also Caitlyn. Lightning didn't come down from the sky and strike me dead. The crust didn't open up and swallow me whole. Nothing bad happened at all.
I think the next step will be to tell A and E. We're vacationing together soon (something we haven't done for years) and it seems like the perfect time. If that goes well and I get the continued feeling that it isn't a big deal.... maybe the family will be next. Okay, yeah, that got the nerves shaking again.
I'm in the process of trying to do this as well, though my news differs a bit from yours. Reading this gives me hope that it could go better than my worst fears are telling me.
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