Who am/was I?

"I don't even have a concept of who I was back then."  That's something I heard in a podcast I like to listen to that's really stuck with me.  It got me thinking... who was I back in 2010?  Let's take a look and see. 

You (I) should be sad

I've talked about being sad before.  I've talked about having a Caitlyn side and how that affects me before.  I don't think I've ever talked about my Caitlyn side effecting or being affected by my sadness before.  Now, before I get to far into this I need to clear up how I think of myself.  I now accept that my feminine 'side' is a journey.  From 10 years ago when I started my Caitlyn's Masks blog and was an avowed heterosexual man with a fetish fantasy to now where I consider myself queer with a masculine side and a feminine side.  It's not static.  I don't think I'll consider myself in the same way 10 years from now.  But I no longer consider 'Caitlyn' a side or separate part of my conciousness... its just me under this skin.  Sometimes I'm feminine.  Sometimes I'm masculine.  Sometimes I'm both, sometimes I'm neither.  Language just doesn't quite cover how I feel and know I am, so forgive me if I stumble over words.  

Define Me

One of the best things about having this blog is that I get to not only have a conversation with 'you' but with myself.  I get to think a full thought through where otherwise it's just a fragment in my head that I can nod along with.  For example, for the longest time I referred to Caitlyn as if she were a separate part of me.  An entity in my head that was distinctly NOT me.  Then after writing it out I started talking about her as my feminine side.  I accepted her as a part of me.  And now, more recently, I feel comfortable simply talking about my feminine side.  I don't have a specific part of me that's feminine... I simply have a feminine aspect that waxes and wanes.  Calling that part of me by any name, let alone Caitlyn, feels out of date but I'm going to just go with it for now.

Spring Renewal

Spring is in the air.  Change is in the air.  I can feel myself coming out of a funk that winter always gives me.  Don't get me wrong, I adore winter... the beautiful white snow, the crisp cold air, driving on slick roads, having storms where you don't worry about tornadoes or drenching rain... but it's almost always gotten me down.

But this year I have several 'changes' in progress that are different.  I'm not simply coming out of a funky mental/creative slumber.  I'm making changes to my life.  Lemme put these into the two categories of purposeful changes and unconscious changes.  The purposeful changes including ending my toxic friendship, taking on a more 'leader' role at work instead of just a supervisory role, accepting who Caitlyn is in my life.  The unconscious changes include just being more comfortable in my own skin, and listening to my gut and moving on its instincts.

A Friend Knows My Secret

There's no hiding the big reveal until the end in this post.  Last weekend I told a friend that a part of me is Caitlyn.

I didn't spill all the beans, but I told him enough of what's going on inside my head so that he knows I am at least partially female, and that part of me has a name and a personality all her own.

This is my friend A.  Not the A that lives down in Texas, but the A that lives closer to me (I really have to get a better way of shortening and obscuring the names of people I know).  Anyway, A and I went out to a local brew pub, shared some beers (very tasty beers) and some pizza, and then ended back at his place.  This is our normal weekend hanging out together. He generally works on Saturdays so I meet up with him after he's gotten out of work, we go eat and drink and chat, we walk around and chat, then end up back at his place and chat some more.  He drinks more than me, so more often than not he ends up quite inebriated and I end up frustrated as our talks break down after that.

A is one of my friends that I've considered telling about Caitlyn before.  He's a good man.  He's open and honest and open minded.  I had it in my head that I'd tell him this weekend, but I just didn't know how.  I mean, this isn't exactly a subject that you bring up out of nowhere, but at the same time it's not something that you just slide into a normal conversation either.  Talking about it at the brew pub wasn't really an option as I wanted it to be less public than that.

Changes Come, Changes Go

I still don't know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets

And every time I thought I'd got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me

But I've never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I'm much too fast to take that test

-Changes by David Bowie

I don't think I've gone this long without a post here.  Ever.  But two big things have changed.  First, I started my new job in early November.  Second... Caitlyn's back. I'm going to take the job first as that's more of the reason I haven't posted here, although Caitlyn has her fingers in that pie too. 

So I've said a lot about this 'new' job here.  I've only been going after it for about a year now.  Almost everything I've said turned out to be true.  It's working only one out of five or six weekends.  It's Monday through Friday.  It's 10:30 AM to 7:00 PM.  It's at the intake center for the MDOC.  The commute is a little under 15 minutes.  It's a total of 13 miles both ways.... 6.2 miles there, 6.5 miles back.  There are a lot of personnel there including four other RNs on my shift.  There is no med room work (NONE!!!).

"Is he your partner?"

So that I can write my thoughts out faster, lemme set some things out here first.  I don't look at or see 'Gay' as an offensive word.  The thinking voice in my head almost always uses the term 'Gay' when it's forming thoughts about homosexual men.  When I speak or write, I often will change that internal 'gay' to homosexual.  But that's my internal censor especially when talking to people who have anti-homosexual feelings.   I guess I want it to sound both more intellectual and at the same time want to remove the idea of a derogatory term from their vocabulary.

But I don't think of it as derogatory.

OK. With that out of the way let's get into this.  I've often had the feeling that some if not many people assume I'm gay.  This goes back to the 90s while I was in college and afterward while working in Chicago.  I don't know where that thought came from.  Maybe it was my own internal struggle.  I was reading a lot of transgendered stories, and had fantasies of being turned into a woman.  I had and have spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to give a blow job.

I'd often take a step back and look at my life and see... gayness.  I would wear more flamboyant clothes.  I was working on a career as a photographer.  I didn't follow sports closely.  I wasn't dating.  I was living with a guy.  Does any of this mean gay?  No.  Gay has a very strict definition; being sexually attracted to a person of the same gender.

Striving

'I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you'

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence

If you look for perfection, you'll never be content

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business

There are a million and one quotes dealing with perfection.  The vast majority of them are like these... more or less don't go for perfection as you can never achieve it.   I think I know why there are so many quotes like this... because far to many people strive for perfection.  I'm one of them.   These quotes are a good example as I was looking for that last one (not to confuse excellence with perfection).  It's a quote from Michael J Fox.  I couldn't remember it exactly so I just spent 20 minutes googling for it.

Yeah... I spent 20 minutes striving to find the prefect quote about not striving for perfection.

Expanding into new territory

I think I've talked about my 'friends' situation.  I don't have many.

Realistically, if I count the people that I'd feel comfortable calling up and hanging out with, I have three friends.

I've never been a friend collector.  In fact, I believe three has been my ideal number for a long, long time.  In high school I had three close friends.  Those same friends lasted for the first two years of college.  The year away for college reduced that number, but I did get a temporary friend up there keeping me more or less at three (lets call it 2.5).

Photo school was probably my high water mark.  I kept one of my old high school friends, added a work friend, and met a new high school friend.  All three of these friends had several semi-friends involved.

In Chicago I had one friend there, and two long distance friends.  Back at home I was reduced to two friends.  Photo work brought that number back up to 2.5.  Those two friends are still friends.  The longest lasting friendships I've ever had.  During trucking school I met another friend that still occupies that space.  Nursing school did not introduce any friends, and work hasn't introduced any new friends.

What is Love?

After writing "Looking Forward", I got to thinking about finding that one true Love... or at least love in any flavor that I could find palatable.  And you know, I haven't had the best luck on that side of my life.  It rally got me thinking about what my past can tell me, what my present can give me and what my future will hold in this regard.

And so far I'm not finding anything good.  So I figured I'd write out my thoughts here and see if I can find some inspiration.

My idea of love may well be too old fashioned to ever really be possible.  This day and age includes things that I would never consider... Hooking Up, Divorce, Second (third? fourth?) Marriages, Step Children, Baby's Mommas and Baby's Daddys.  To me these are all things that happen when someone wasn't looking for love.  I like sex as much as the next guy, but I've always believed that the physical act of sex is a mere shadow of itself when it's not accompanied by love.

Early on in life I figured out that I wanted love.  Not a girlfriend.  Not a fuck buddy.  Not a gal on my arm.  Love.  I wanted that person that I could argue with and not get angry at.  I wanted someone whose happiness was more important than my own joy.  Whose happiness would bring me joy.  I wanted someone who I could share a romantic evening with and still be just as happy to read quietly next to each other.