I'm not talking about waiting for a movie or a game to begin... I'm talking about something specific in my life. With all the fits and false starts my life has taken, it seems that I've been waiting for a long long time. I was waiting for High School to finish... then I was waiting for graduation from college... then waiting for graduation from a different college. Once I graduated I moved to Chicago and began waiting for my first real photo job... then waiting for the photo job that could sustain me... then waiting for my lease to be up so I could tuck my tail between my legs and move home. Once I was home the waiting shifted and I was waiting to get a job.. then waiting for that job to pay enough for me to live off of.
I was patient in that one and waited for three years... but it didn't pay enough and the waiting shifted. Waiting for another job... then waiting for it to pay enough. That worked out... for awhile.
That job was Ledin Photo and Video and I was honestly happy there. Maybe happiness wasn't there in every single moment, but the overall arch of Ledin was happiness. It didn't pay much, but I was working so many hours that I really didn't have time to 'wait' for something more.... I was just living moment to moment. In 2006 everything went to hell. Dad's cancer, Grandpa's death, moving away from that job (had I forgotten how awful the waiting was?), Dad's death, and then Mom's decline in health.
I eventually worked through my own grief and moved on. I didn't wait long for another photo job, but I did continue to wait. Waiting for the promotion... waiting for enough money to fully support myself. Maybe that' wait contributed to my quitting so abruptly. Sure, it was mainly for being snubbed so harshly but that began a longer term waiting. I started moving toward a goal that would take years. Nursing.
Waiting to start my pre-nursing classes. Waiting to be accepted into nursing school. Waiting to graduate. Waiting to get my license. Waiting for that first job.
Well... here I am. I graduated, got my license, and (eventually) got the job. I've now been working for a couple months and don't see anything in the near to mid future that will be changing in the job. I make enough money to support myself (and even enough to help out at home!), so I'm not waiting for that final shoe to drop.
And now I'm waiting for... what?
The every day waiting still comes and goes. I'm currently waiting for my shift today. I'm waiting for my next day off. I'm waiting for the next Michigan game. I'm waiting for Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. But I'd be waiting for things like that whether I was supporting myself or not. I can't see anything on the horizon that I'm waiting for... I'm just... coasting.
I think of things that I should be waiting for, but none of them really spark my interest. I could be waiting to move out of my Mom's house, but I'm not. I have no plans to move out. Being here lets me help her in many ways... physically, emotionally, and now even financially. I can afford to move out, but it would mean that I'm not helping her out as much. They money I'm paying her each month would have to go toward rent and groceries, and internet, and water and all the other costs of living alone.
So... I'm not waiting for that.
I could wait for a relationship. There's a part of me that wants to find love and get married. Going down that road requires me to find a girl that sparks enough interest in me to date. A part of me has been waiting for that for a long time. After high school I always figured I'd find love once I could support myself. I didn't really want to find love and struggle WITH her... I wanted those financial struggles to be mine and mine alone and when I was able to live comfortably I'd find my true love. Well.. I also thought that I'd be able to support myself a couple years after high school... not a couple decades. Finding love at 18 is great.but let's be honest... it's rare. Finding love in your early 20s is wonderful. Finding love in your late 20s and early 30s isn't common, but it happens often enough. But finding your first true love at 39? If I were a woman I'd be considered a spinster by now. I no longer hold out hope of having my own children... that time has past and I don't want to be the 'father' that everyone looks at as a 'grandfather'.
And don't give me that look.... I COULD be a grandfather. A girl I dated in high school got pregnant and had a child about nine months after we broke up. If that child WERE mine and he had a child at the same age I was when he was born my grandchild would now be starting kindergarten.
So... I'm not waiting for that. I am in a way... I mean I would like to find someone to love and for someone to love me in that way, but I'm not waiting for it. I'm not keeping my eye on the horizon searching for it. If love happens it will happen on it's own time schedule.
So could wait for a promotion at work, but that's just silly at this point. I'm a new nurse and will be considered a new nurse for another couple years. Even if I wasn't a new nurse, the next step up requires at least a Bachelor's degree if not a Master's. I'm so sick of school that I don't want to go back now. Plus it costs money... money that I'd rather put to other things. So I'm not even waiting for my next degree. I'll advance both my academic and professional career... I'll just do it later.
So I'm waiting for.... nothing.
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