"Is he your partner?"

So that I can write my thoughts out faster, lemme set some things out here first.  I don't look at or see 'Gay' as an offensive word.  The thinking voice in my head almost always uses the term 'Gay' when it's forming thoughts about homosexual men.  When I speak or write, I often will change that internal 'gay' to homosexual.  But that's my internal censor especially when talking to people who have anti-homosexual feelings.   I guess I want it to sound both more intellectual and at the same time want to remove the idea of a derogatory term from their vocabulary.

But I don't think of it as derogatory.

OK. With that out of the way let's get into this.  I've often had the feeling that some if not many people assume I'm gay.  This goes back to the 90s while I was in college and afterward while working in Chicago.  I don't know where that thought came from.  Maybe it was my own internal struggle.  I was reading a lot of transgendered stories, and had fantasies of being turned into a woman.  I had and have spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to give a blow job.

I'd often take a step back and look at my life and see... gayness.  I would wear more flamboyant clothes.  I was working on a career as a photographer.  I didn't follow sports closely.  I wasn't dating.  I was living with a guy.  Does any of this mean gay?  No.  Gay has a very strict definition; being sexually attracted to a person of the same gender.


There were times that I would exaggerate things in my life just to show that I wasn't gay.  I'd talk about girlfriends and sexual escapades that didn't happen.  Sometimes it was non-nonchalant... kind of a one upsmanship. But other times it was overt.  It was a direct attempt at proving my non-gayness.  But I think deep down... I was curious myself.  Was I gay?

Let's step back and look at the external things in my life that people would see and hear from me that might give them pause.  I have no current friends, colleagues, or co-workers that have ever known me to go out with a woman.  None of them have seen me go out with a man either.  But in that secretive way that's not proof... that's a sign of being a closeted gay man.  My two closest friends know that I feel head over heels in love with a woman.  That she broke my heart by saying she wouldn't go out with me after years of me silently pining for her.  But even that was years and years ago.  I don't really talk about woman as sexual objects.  Where some guys will say things like "Oh I'd fuck Anne Hathaway six ways from Sunday!", I don't talk like that.  I'll say that certain women are attractive or even sexy... but then again I talk about men like that too.  I'll say that Anne Hathaway is sexy in the same breath that I'll say Brad Pitt is sexy.  Only in certain company will I add the homophobic "...not that I'm gay or anything!".

So... I give no outward impression that I'm either straight or gay.  Let's look at my personality.  I'm probably not the best judge of how I'm perceived, but I've had enough people compliment me on my calm nature.  My caring nature.  My 'sweetness'.  My likeability.  My softness.  My self-deprecating nature.  My humor.  These aren't exactly the way you'd describe your typical 'macho' man.

But the reason I often appear that way is I have to control my anger.  To me, anger isn't a scale.  I don't get 'a little' angry and slowly boil over into rage.  No, I start at rage and once I let that genie out of the bottle, I can't put it back in.  I become verbally abusive and physically violent.  I recognize that in myself and have only born witness to it once or twice.  So I am forever trying to keep it at bay.  Inside I'll be spewing profanities and throwing punches, while outside I'll be talking calmly.

I have eccentric tastes. Fiona, my yellow focus.  My bright teal scrub top.  My 3/4 length coat constantly worn with a scarf.  My music selections and knowledge are firmly non-popular.

Even on facebook.  I'll often 'like' or 'share' stuff that is homosexual in nature.  I really celebrated the whole supreme court same sex marriage affair.  Yes, I changed my profile pic and added the rainbow.  And yes, I still have that as my profile pic.

So I've had that feeling often... that people think I'm gay.   No one has ever come out and asked.  Until the other day at work.  And it wasn't someone asking... it was someone outright making the assumption.

A nurse that I enjoy working with, let's call her M, and I were both in the clinic.  While I was part of her orientation and worked with her several times after she was hired, we've been working apart for the past several months.  We were both happy to be working together again.  It was a thankfully slow day so we had time to talk and chat.  We talked about her and her husband's upcoming anniversary and her planned trip.  She's been looking for a getaway with crystal clear blue water, but at the same time she wants to avoid going to a 'resorty' area.  She wants to go scuba diving and fishing... not go lying out on a stylish beach.

I've often talked about my love of traveling and she knew I was hoping to go to Havana.  She asked about it directly and I mentioned that my friend couldn't quite afford it, so we were looking to go to Puerta Vallarta instead.  My only voiced concern about that trip was that it would be a little too 'resorty'.  I was talking about my traveling companion and how we were friends.  She looked around a little conspiratorially and asked in a very soft whisper;

"Is he your partner?"

...

It only took me a moment to realize what she was asking.  And by merely asking, what she was assuming.  She was asking if he was my lover.  She was assuming I was gay.  And while it only took me a moment to answer, I swear it felt like an hour of back and forth thought before I spoke any words.

My initial thought was to answer in the emphatic "God No, I'm not GAY!".  That immediately felt a little harsh and too defensive, so it was softened to "Oh... no, I'm not gay".  But that didn't feel right either.  By not only answering her question, "Is he your lover?", I would also be saying "Your assumption about me is wrong".   The more I thought about it, the more I figured I didn't even need to correct her assumption.  So she think's I'm gay?  Big deal.  I shouldn't be offended by it.  So I purposlly answered her question without correcting her assumption;

"No, we're just good friends"

And you know what?  I feel good about my answer.  Unless someone is giving me undeserved praise, I don't correct people's assumptions about me.  Some people at work believe I'm politically conservative (I'm a flaming liberal!).  Some people at work believe I have a lot of money and don't need to work (I live with my mother because I can't afford to do otherwise).  Some people at work believe I have a bachelor's degree (I don't).  Some people at work think I'm an asshole to all the inmates (I'm only an asshole to those who are an asshole to me).  I don't correct these assumptions because they don't matter.  Go ahead and think I'm a conservative, well degreed, wealthy, asshole... it doesn't change my ability to do my job, nor does it change my ability to intact with these people.  So what if she thinks I'm gay?  It doesn't change my job or abilities in any way.

In fact, so long as she doesn't try to set me up with anybody, it doesn't affect our friendship.

I think I've been clear on this blog before... but for the sake of clarity let me spell out my gender preference.  I'm heterosexual.  I'm a heterosexual man.  When I casually imagine sex (not having a 'fantasy'), I imagine myself with a woman.  I imagine many different sexual positions and types.  I'm happy with all of those thoughts.  I never imagine myself with a man.  When I try to 'think' my way down that path... of having casual every day sex with a man... it feels wrong.  I'm just not attracted to men that way.