What is Love?

After writing "Looking Forward", I got to thinking about finding that one true Love... or at least love in any flavor that I could find palatable.  And you know, I haven't had the best luck on that side of my life.  It rally got me thinking about what my past can tell me, what my present can give me and what my future will hold in this regard.

And so far I'm not finding anything good.  So I figured I'd write out my thoughts here and see if I can find some inspiration.

My idea of love may well be too old fashioned to ever really be possible.  This day and age includes things that I would never consider... Hooking Up, Divorce, Second (third? fourth?) Marriages, Step Children, Baby's Mommas and Baby's Daddys.  To me these are all things that happen when someone wasn't looking for love.  I like sex as much as the next guy, but I've always believed that the physical act of sex is a mere shadow of itself when it's not accompanied by love.

Early on in life I figured out that I wanted love.  Not a girlfriend.  Not a fuck buddy.  Not a gal on my arm.  Love.  I wanted that person that I could argue with and not get angry at.  I wanted someone whose happiness was more important than my own joy.  Whose happiness would bring me joy.  I wanted someone who I could share a romantic evening with and still be just as happy to read quietly next to each other.



My past has said that my goals may have been unattainable.  My first 'girlfriend' came around the fourth grade.  Tara.  We shared the same bus stop and would often talk.  But she wasn't popular among my friends and I ended up joining them in making fun of her.  Obviously this wasn't a search for true love at such an early age, but I think that hint of a relationship did shape me.

In high school I was terribly shy and self conscious.  I wasn't into sports or other physical activities which automatically put me at odds with most of the 'cool kids'.  I was in the chess club and the marching band which further ostracized me.  And even among these people on the fringe of high school society, I wasn't accepted.  I had my clique of friends and together we weathered the adolescent storm.  But even inside this group I felt pressure to get a girlfriend.  Or more importantly to have sex... to lose my precious virginity.

In my sophomore year I met Jenny.  She liked me and sadly that was all it took for me to like her.  We didn't have much in common besides our both being on the 'outside' of cool.  She was fairly religious while I was (at the time) a devout atheist.  She came from a broken family while my parents were still strongly in love.  She struggled in every scholarly subject while I earned my 'nerd' reputation.

She wasn't beautiful, but then again I wasn't good looking myself.  I'm ashamed to admit that I started going out with her because I figured we could have sex.  I did have hopes that maybe we could fall in love, but I didn't enter the relationship with that as a goal.  My goal was to have sex and we did just that.   I think I took her out on a couple dates before we had sex, but it may very well have been on the first 'date'.

I used her.

She may very well not have been someone that I could love, but damn she didn't deserve that.   The sex was... well it was sex.  We joined, I got off... she says she did as well.  There was absolutely no emotional context.  At least not on my side.  I still went through the motions of having a real relationship.  I wrote her love letters.  I took her out.  I bought her things.  I met her mother and I went to church with her.  I thought that maybe if I walked the walk, I would eventually feel the feelings.

I never did.

Eventually I became tired of the charade.  I knew I didn't love her and that I wouldn't fall in love with her.  But my own actions had helped her fall in love with me.  Our breakup was terrible in so many ways.  She accused me of being a lying bastard and while I vehemently denied it... I knew she was right.  While my anger was directed at her it was only because I didn't know how to direct it at myself.

She graduated that year (she was a couple years older than me) and I never heard from her again.  She's the girl I mentioned in "Looking Forward" that had a child nine months after we broke up.  At the time I was worried about my self and afraid that I may well be the father.  There's still a part of me that worries that may be true, but the more likely scenario is that she fell into the arms of another man (boy more than likely) and had his child.  I can't imagine that she found Love so quickly after we broke up so I'm afraid that I helped her keep up the family tradition.  Get pregnant, get married, have a loveless family where the child is blamed for the failings of the parents.

God, what an asshole I was.

I think that relationship though did have a good result.  It's after that whole experience that I decided that I wouldn't look for love.  I wouldn't get into a relationship and hope that I end up loving the girl... instead I'd just be me.  When love would find me I'd open up my arms to it and accept it into my life.

I learned my next 'love lesson' early in college.   There were several girls in classes that I was taking that I had an interest in.  They were all kinds of combinations that I was looking for... smart, funny, not taken in by what is 'popular' or in.  They had their own identity and they lived it.  But I didn't ask them out... I wanted to focus on my studies.  Almost as important, I wanted to treat a girl that I took out right.  If I asked a girl out, I wanted to pay.  I wanted to greet her at her door with a rose.  I wanted to take her out to dinner (and not at McDonalds).  I wanted to take her to the theater or a movie.  I wanted to take her out for drinks afterward (coffee... I was still under 21).  But I couldn't afford any of that.  At least not in a way that said I was serious about her.

Instead I could barely afford gas for my car.  I often would let my insurance lapse as I never had enough money.  If I could scratch enough money together to take her out I could have afforded a Big Mac (water for me), and maybe renting a video.  I'd have to hope she either lived alone or at least that her parents were out as I was still living with my parents myself.

My thinking at the time was that if I couldn't afford to do it right, I wouldn't even try.  That was my second lesson... make sure I could take care of myself before I allowed love in.  So I never asked these girls out.  I'm fairly certain that if I had asked them, they would have gone out with me.

Later when I was in school for photography I learned that my lessons didn't mean that love wouldn't find me.  One of my photo classmates was a girl named Lynn.  My first real memory of her was on our first year trip to Chicago.  A group of us had decided to blow some money and go to a nice restaurant.  Ruth's Chris Steak House.  I didn't know at the time that it was a chain... I just knew that it was 'expensive'.  Well when we were all gathering together and figuring out how many taxis we'd need, I went and knocked on Pat's door.  Pat was an older woman (late 40s or early 50s) in our class and she was sharing a room with Lynn.  Pat had unfortunately come down ill and Lynn met me at the door.  She told me what was going on and that she wouldn't leave Pat alone.

This trip was a couple months into our first semester, so I'm sure I had seen Lynn before.  But that is my first memory of her as anything more than another student in the class.  It struck me how rare that was... denying herself the satisfaction of going out with a group of classmates to tend for a skin friend.  And we're not talking about a friendship tested over years... she met Pat on our first day of class.

Over that first year I kept seeing little things like that from Lynn.  She always gave of herself to others.  She cared deeply about her friends and it was easy to become one of her friends.

Lemme paint you a picture.  Lynn's beauty wasn't immediately evident when you saw her.  She was rather tall with shoulder length natural red hair.  You'd never spot her freckled face without at least the hint of a smile, and when she was really happy her smile could light up a city block.  She wore thick glasses that did nothing to hide the sparkle from her beautifully deep green eyes.  She had the body of a classic tom boy... neither her hips nor her breasts had that distinctly overtly feminine curve, but she was still undeniably feminine.  Her smooth skin and soft alto voice along with her infections laughter made her more feminine and sexy than large breasts or child bearing hips ever could.  At fist glance you'd almost think she was trying to hide her femininity... she wore comfortable shoes, jeans, and flannel shirts almost all the time.  She never 'put up' her hair.  Instead she'd just let it hang where it was or tie it up into a simple ponytail if it got in her way.

I think it's easy to see that I fell in love with her.  I didn't want to... I still couldn't care for myself and I had that second rule to contend with... but I did.  Instead of exploring how I felt or taking the bold step of asking her out, I tried mightily to stomp that feeling out of my heart.  I failed miserably.

The next year she was hosting a Halloween costume party.  By this time we were both in the same clique of photo friends so it was natural that I would end up there.  I bought several things to make a costume of a crazed killer just escaped from prison.  Jeans, a denim shirt with prison number written on the front and PRISON written on the back.  I had several dog chains together to make up shackles and a Friday The 13th style hockey mask.  The mask ensured that I couldn't wear my glasses which probably helped me botch the whole night.

Before heading over to her place I vowed internally that I would ask her out.  The problem was... how?  My only experience in asking a girl out was Jenny in high school... and we remember how that turned out.  To make matters worse Lynn loved to dance and set up one room for dancing.  I was sure that she'd spend most of her time there... and I was deathly afraid of dancing.  After giving it a lot of thought I figured I'd use what most college guys use for courage... booze.  Lynn wasn't a 'drinker' by any stretch of the imagination, but she wasn't a teetotaler  either.   So I brought a fifth of this new booze called After Shock.  It was so thick and sweetly syrupy that the sugar in it would crystallize.

I had some experience drinking at this point and had a simple way to regulate myself... when I couldn't taste the booze I had had enough to drink.  I would get a happy buzz but not delve into the depths of drunkenness.  Well... After Shock didn't have that alcoholic bite even though it was 40 proof.  So once I started drinking I kept on drinking.  And drinking.  And drinking.

I don't recall much of that evening.  What follows is the information I gathered from trusted sources.  It seems that not only did I find the courage to go out onto the dance floor... I danced my little heart out.  I guess in some part of my alcohol riddled mind I was trying to impress Lynn.  Later when some other people arrived at the party I started hitting on one of the girls.  I was fairly insistent on staying close to her and even puller he close to me and rubbing my hand over her back.  She did NOT want my attention.

A quick aside... I'm fairly sure that at the time I thought I was hitting on Lynn.

While I'm thankful I didn't make a fool out of myself with Lynn, I DID make a fool of myself.  You see this wasn't just any old girl.  In fact.. it wasn't a girl at all.  It was a guy dressed in drag.  While I was standing six foot three and weighing in at over 250, he barley topped five foot two and probably weighed no more than 120.  His friends eventually separated us but not before I had him out on the dance floor for several minutes.

The hangover was terrible.  I not only knocked back the entire fifth of After Shock, but I drank a six pack of beer and downed a bunch of Jello Shots.  Thankfully my good friend took me to his place to sleep it off.  When he leaned me up against the wall I slid down it and fell flat on my face.... taking out his apartment's thermostat with me.  When I woke up I was nauseous, had a headache that felt like it would open up my head at any moment and was very cold.

I heard some of what happened the previous night and was so embarrassed that I didn't go back to Lynn's even though I had lost my high school class ring on her dance floor.  When I did finally see Lynn I knew that I was even more in love with her than I thought.  Because when I did see her, I saw that she wasn't angry with me... she was disappointed.  Disappointed in the fact that evidently I was "That Guy".  I didn't feel that I could say that I got so fall on my ass drunk because I was trying to get the courage up to ask her out.. so I let her disappointment wash over me and crush my hopes of going out with her any time soon.

Instead I silently pined for her.  I tried to be a friend to her, but that became more and more difficult.  I recall one time while I was living in Chicago and another friend had come to visit.  Lynn called while he was down a the store and she demanded to talk to him saying she wanted to chat with a friend of mine.  I couldn't deny any request from her so I handed the phone over.   From his side of the conversation I could tell that she was trying to figure out if I had my eye on any girl... specifically if I was interested in her.  I was so torn... on the one hand if he told the truth (he knew that I was head over heels for he), the cat would be out of the bag and maybe just maybe we could start a relationship.  On the other hand if he held his tongue I could wait for a better  opportunity... one where I wasn't a poor bum barely making ends meet while living several hundred miles from her.

My friend knew that I wasn't ready (even if I didn't) and told her that I wasn't in any relationship at the time.  Another time when I was talking to her on the phone she asked me for some advice.   It seems that a guy she was working with was sweet on her and she wanted to know if she should go out with him.  Bah... another trap.  If I said yes, that she should go out with him, I'd be helping a friend feel good about herself and hopefully finding love.  If I said no, that she shouldn't go out with him, I'd be trying to keep her available for my own selfish desires.

I said yes... she should go out with him.

In retrospect, I'm certain that Lynn at least suspected how I felt and was trying to get me to step up.  I just kept letting my embarrassment about the Halloween party and my stupid second rule get in the way.

I finally let Lynn know how I felt.  In 2005.  That trip to Chicago was in 1996.  I had held a torch for Lynn for about 10 years.  The note that I sent her via email was a rambling mess, but I wanted to get my feelings out and send it before I had the chance to second guess myself.

In the end I got what I deserved... just not what I wanted.

Lynn was in a loving relationship.  With the guy that I told her to go out with years before.  Her response was polite and nice and even offered a reason why we couldn't have ever made it.  She said that she couldn't imagine having a loving relationship with someone who didn't share her faith in God.  She did say that we should remain friends, but beyond a few emails sent between us that was the last I heard of her.

I hope that she's happily married.  I had a decade to ask her out and just missed my chance at it.  I could have overcome the religion thing, but I wouldn't even try if it meant breaking her up with someone that she already loved and that had the courage to ask her out.

While pining for Lynn I did go out on a few dates.  I did so with girls who didn't want a relationship.  We both would get what we wanted out of the encounter... a good time... sex... but we wouldn't date or see each other again.  After Lynn... well I didn't even bother with going out.  It wasn't long after that heartbreak that I ended up moving back in with Mom and Dad and helped Dad to pass in peace.

Going to nursing school was much the same as my first years in college.  There were girls that I was interested in, but i never stepped up knowing that I couldn't even take care of myself.   And if living with my parents was embarrassing when I was 19, it was practically crippling when I was in my mid 30s.

That brings me up to now.  My second rule no longer applies.  I can take care of myself.  Yes, I still live with my mother, but a girl that couldn't understand why I do so wouldn't be a girl that I had any interest in.

So what now?  I've only really fallen for one girl.  Lynn.  No one else has ever caught and kept my interest.  I know that I do want to fall in love, but I'm just not sure what that would look like now a days.  I've all but given up on the idea of having children, so it's not as though I'm looking for that.

You see, I always had this storybook image in my head.  I'd find love when I was young so that I could have a long relationship with my girl.  When we were ready we'd get married and only have children when we were ready to focus on our family instead of ourselves.  I pictured the time between meeting the girl of my dreams and getting married being at least four years.  I pictured us being married for at least 3 years before having children.

If I found that woman now (let's face it... she won't be a girl any longer, just as I'm not a boy anymore), that would mean having children when I'm almost 50.  That's just not a realistic goal.  Meeting a woman now means falling in love when I'm in my forty's.  I always pictured my forty's being that time when I was comfortable in my relationship... I don't even know what dating would look like at this age.

I guess I have to take a long hard look at the possibility that I'll just be alone.  Sure... I may still find a woman that I can connect with, but since it's only happened once I don't have a lot of hope of it happening again.  The time to learn how to share my life with someone easily is long past, so changing for the right woman seems even more impossible.  That makes finding the right women even more rare.

I just don't know.  Writing this up hasn't helped me much.  It's only shown me that I probably have to accept that I'll never find someone to share my life with.