I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
And every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
-Changes by David Bowie
I don't think I've gone this long without a post here. Ever. But two big things have changed. First, I started my new job in early November. Second... Caitlyn's back. I'm going to take the job first as that's more of the reason I haven't posted here, although Caitlyn has her fingers in that pie too.
So I've said a lot about this 'new' job here. I've only been going after it for about a year now. Almost everything I've said turned out to be true. It's working only one out of five or six weekends. It's Monday through Friday. It's 10:30 AM to 7:00 PM. It's at the intake center for the MDOC. The commute is a little under 15 minutes. It's a total of 13 miles both ways.... 6.2 miles there, 6.5 miles back. There are a lot of personnel there including four other RNs on my shift. There is no med room work (NONE!!!).
And on the whole, this is one boring ass job. Fuck.
I've had slow days at the old job. Days where I came in, have no scheduled call outs, no transfers, and really nothing to do but 'extra' tasks and take care of any urgent or emergency medical situation that arose. But days like that are my new normal. Here's how my days have gone for the past two months:
I clock in at 10:20 AM (Early is on time, On time is late, Late is unacceptable!!!!) and arrive at the clinic by 10:25. I log into a computer and then do the morning count. The count here is far easier than my previous facility so it doesn't take all that long. I then see if there are any injections left to give (they schedule those as separate tasks at 10 AM). If there aren't I check my email, update my time sheet, and basically goof off until about 1:00 PM. There are generally about 4 or 5 call outs for the PM shift nurses all scheduled for 12:30 PM, but all of the medical providor's appointments are scheduled for the same time and the CNAs are pulling all of them in en-mass to get vitals. So around 1:00 PM the clinic is clear and I grab a call out. About half are guys wanting to cut their toe or finger nails... that's medical equipment they are not allowed to have so they have to ask us. The other ones are the same type of call outs that we had at the last facility... 'my back hurts', 'I need a bottom bunk', 'My penis is leaking something foul smelling'. I'd love to say that I get all of those call outs, but there are four nurses on that shift and we have to share them. I generally get one or two. That takes me close to 2:00 PM when I take my lunch. When I get back at around quarter to three I wait for my evening task. When the three evening tasks are done we lock up and go home.
Those evening tasks are as follows: Diabetic line, KOP medline, SMHU rounds and med pass.
Diabetic line is roughly the same as it was at the previous facility.... the guys line up, approach the station one by one, take their blood sugar, I draw up their prescribed insulin and hand them their needle, they inject and dispose of the needle, they leave. But where we had around 40 diabetics in our line, we now have around 10 people that inject and another 5 or 6 that are just taking their blood sugar.
KOP medline is handing out all of the KOP (Keep On Person) medicines for the inmates. There are actually quite a few as this isn't just refills, but all the new guys get their first cards of meds. Remember, this is the intake facility for the entire department of corrections and we get between 20 and 90 new inmates in a day. About half of them are on medications. That line generally has between 25 and 45 guys in it.
SMHU is the Special Management Housing Unit. It's kind of like the segregation unit at my previous facility but there is some specific legal definition difference. I've been told over and over that this isn't SEG, it's SMHU (pronounced Shmoo). The 'rounds' are simply having the guys look up at us and say that they are doing ok. If they are on restricted medications we pass those out. SMHU has between 7 and 20 guys.
Those three tasks are the primary focus of our day. SMHU starts at 3:30 and I'm finished documenting it all by 5:00. Diabetic and KOP lines start once count clears (between 4:45 and 5:15) and generally take about an hour. So by 6:15 we are generally done with our day and locking everything up. So long as the restricted medline is finished on time (generally around 6:45) we are all heading to the time clock at ten to seven. We then wait until the clock says 7:00 and we clock out. The reason we are finished at that time instead of waiting for any emergent or urgent medical calls is that the clinic stops taking patients at 6:00. All of the urgent and emergent calls after that time go to the prison hospital which is 200 yards from the clinic. Hell... when somehting really bad happens the officers will often send the guy to the hospital anyway and not even call us when we are open. At my previous facility I'd normally personally deal with between 1 and 4 emergent/urgent call outs per day. Now? I might deal with 1 or 2 per week. We have less, some of those go straight to the hospital, and of the rest I am one of four nurses ready to take it.
The only other thing that can take my time is doing actuall intakes. This is like the intake at a hospital. All new inmates have to go through it. It's a long series of questions ranging from current medical concerns, current medications, past medications, substance abuse history, mental health assessment, suicide prevention assessment, and surgical history. If it's particularly busy one or two of the evening nurses goes out to intake and helps out. But there are 4 or 5 nurses on the morning shift that do that task primarily and it's almost always finished up by 2:00 PM. New intakes that come in after two are processed the next morning.
It's been almost two months since I started there. I'm fully orientated and a full member of the team. And I'm bored out of my wits. I'm used to getting to work and getting into GO GO GO mode. Now I don't ever get into GO GO GO mode. There just isn't any hurry and I actually try to stretch tasks out to take longer so that they fill up more of my day. Oh, and those weekends? It's even slower, there is less to do, and you do it alone. It's only one in ever six weekends but it's six times as worse as my previous weekends.
I'm still feeling out the staff. The nurses I work with aren't bad. I don't think any of them will ever become real 'friends', but I can be myself with them. The first shift nurses... well I hardly ever see them. They're in intake by the time I get in and once they are done with that, they go home. They did complain to my supervisor that I'm "Cold". I believe they actually used the term "Cold Hearted". This, so far as I can tell, came from me not dropping what I was doing to talk to t hem when they would walk behind me and say "Good Morning". I would always nod and mumble out a return, but I would keep working at whatever I was doing. I don't think they realize just how hard it is for me to NOT be working... to get out of the mindset that I have to finish the task I'm currently working on because I'm used to there being 4 or 5 other tasks that I need to get done now or earlier. I'm certainly not used to having enough time to drop what I'm doing to have a long conversation about a nurses dog and the surgery it requires.
So... I don't like this job. I'm not going to sugar coat it or beat around the bush. I don't like it. BUT the advantages still stand. Almost no overtime (the last time an RN got mandated was about 2 years ago!). Every sixth weekend (or fifth... that hasn't been made clear to me and I haven't been there long enough to go through the process twice yet!). I still sleep in every morning, but I get home by 7:20 every evening. There is only one RN on for each Holiday and there are nurses that really want those shifts.... so I have every state holiday off. I'm only working six days in this pay period as I have Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, and New Years Day all off. Yeah... two four day weekends! Oh, and did I mention that I have the highest seniority on my shift? If I want a day off, no one on my shift can bump me off of it. I CAN bump them off of requested days off! If it's particularly slow and they supervisors believe we are over staffed, they can send us home. We can use either sick or personal time for leaving early but that offer goes by seniority... so I almost always get the option to go home early. Sometimes by 30 minutes... sometimes by 5 hours.
If I could go back to my old facility without ever working in the blocks or working in the med room it would be a very hard decision to make. Did I tell you that I've only filled up my gas tank twice since taking this new job? The only reason it was twice is because I drove out to the airport (120 miles away) and up to my buddy's place 50 miles away. Otherwise I'd still be on that first fill up. When I left my last job I had just over 19,000 miles on my car and was putting just under 500 miles on it a week. I now have 19,450 miles on it. Just under 500 miles in 57 days.
BUT if I went back, it would be to the same job. It would be occasional days in the med room, and occasional days in 4 and 5 block. And those are the deal killers. I'll probably end up making less money here, but that's only because I will not get those big fat holiday days working (basically getting 2.5 times my normal pay) or any overtime. I actually got a raise... two raises! One was the annual raise worked out by the union and the other was my glowing review. I now make $31.70 an hour... just over $65,000 a year.
I normally don't like talking about money, but it hit me when I got that last raise just how much my life has changed. The most I made before this nursing job was about $25,000 a year. When I got hired in as a contract nurse it was at $25 an hour. $50,000 a year. And in two years that's been increased by about 30%!
Life is so incredibly good!
OK... so Caitlyn is back.
It's so easy to see what things are in the rearview mirror. After I lost Caitlyn I had time to sit and think about it. Think about her. And I honestly believe she became such a big part of my life because just about everything else in my life was trash. Being 35 years old, going to school, having a job at minimum wage that got me 16 hours a week, living with and off of my mother, no serious relationships.... yeah I needed a fantasy life to escape into. So naturally when I got my first nursing job... Caitlyn left. I didn't' need her anymore.
So why would she come back? I mean just about everything is better now. I may be 41 and still living with my mother, but it's now my choice to do so. I don't take money from her and in fact have been putting more and more into her. I pay for her car, I pay her 'rent', I pay for her cell phone, I pay a good portion of the cable/internet/phone bills. And even paying for all of that, I still have enough money to pay for my own place. I did the budgeting on it... I could afford to buy my own damned house and pay for all of my own bills while still financially helping out Mom. I'm no longer in school, I have a job that I like (even with my bitch fest above, this is still one of the best jobs of my life!). But there's that one last thing lacking... a serious relationship. I don't have someone to love in a romantic way.
Even before Caitlyn really existed I was still sexually interested in TG material. That sexual fantasy left when Caitlyn did, but it eventually came back. Plus you don't do something that you enjoy for years and just step away. You've all seen my struggles with saying goodbye to Caitlyn.
The capping is still hard to do, but I learned in dabble in it with my Obscurra's in May of this year. I really do enjoy those. At first it was just an outlet. A way to share the glimpses of ideas that I had when looking at some images. But it's become a very free way to write. With no concern about how it's going to fit or how it's going to look or just how many images I'll need to make it into a multi-panel cap... I can just write and write and write.
Well in August, I took the next step. I returned to DX. Not as a new character, not as one of my 'male' characters there... as 'Miss Caitlyn'. I jiggered a story together that let me be that nervous girl again instead of the confident woman I had been playing. That was important as I haven't had that 'confident woman' inside of me for years now. I imagined that it would go one of two ways:
1) I would have a little fun but it would lose it's appeal. I'd eventually fade back into the background and just stop playing. or...
2) I would really get into it and eventually get back to the character status I was at before. Strong, Confident, a little on the Dominant side, and a staff member helping teach classes to new girls.
But over the couple months I've been playing, I'm exploring different things and have finaly decided that while I am really getting into it and have no plans to leave... I'm going to continue to explore. I MAY end back up as a staff member... but I may just stay a girl.
You see, I think playing as a girl again has opened me up to the new holes in my life. No longer am I looking for a happy fantasy where I'm important and strong and happy. I have those aspects in my every day life. So instead I'm focusing on two other aspects. One being a dark, forced, humiliating fantasy. One where I don't have power. One where I don't have choice. And the other is almost the opposite... it's one where I feel love. Romantic love.
The dark side is something that I played with often enough before. Taking compliance and discipline classes. Having a former friend subtly force me into sex. Taking a slave girl class. But that side really came into focus when DX held their auction. Every year or so DX holds a slave girl auction. Girls can 'volunteer' to be bid upon. The patrons or staff members or other girls can then buy the girls as a slave for a week.
When I first started at DX they were having an auction. I thought as a new girl it was too early to do something so powerful. So I didn't participate. I read it, and enjoyed it, but I didn't participate. By the time the next auction came around, I was already an apprentice. I probably could have participated, but it didn't feel right on my part. She was already growing confident and strong and bowing down as a slave girl wasn't part of the fantasy any longer.
Well this time when I heard about the auction, I jumped at the chance. It didn't matter that it was fairly early in my return... I wanted to participate. I had my 'boss' tell me to join it as my character wouldn't volunteer on her own. I had fantasies of being purchased by old friends, new girls, new patrons, old colleagues... and all of those thoughts were fun in their own way. But one character started bidding on me... and she changed the whole dynamic. I've never played submissive. I've played forced, but that's far different than being submissive to another person. I don't believe that is a streak that lives too deeply inside of me. But this character... I've thought over and over and over of being submissive to her. She had run the thread that acted as my re-arrival and at one point as she was showing me what being a girl meant, she had me kneel down at her feet. Writing that reply out felt... right. I wasn't just playing at acting that out... I was submitting to her. She picked up on that and reflected internally (in the thread, but in a way that my character didn't see) that she might want to collar me.
A big, but so far silent, part of me screamed out YAY!
She's the one that was bidding on me. She's an excellent role player and is a big inspiration for the way that I play. She constantly hits the three points of a post... what she thinks, what she does, what she says. The actions and the spoken words help me react while the internal dialog helps me appreciate what she's doing while not being able to react to it. We talked about what this could lead to near the end of the auction (after she chased off several other bidders in character), and we both agreed that we'd like to explore this. She wants to have a slave. I want to explore submissiveness. We're both on the same page... this is fun and exploring... but it could lead to much more. I could end up as her permanently collard slave girl.
Talk about filling a hole that exists in my real life! I'm no where near submissive at work. I'm in a position of both healing and power. I don't politely ask my patients to come in and sit down. I point at the bed and tell them to take a seat. If they balk or talk back, I tell them to leave. But now I can explore that other side... that side waiting to be told what to do. That side who's sole focus is to please someone else.
Then there's the love. Near the end of my active playing time at DX last time I was exploring the last reaches of sexuality. I was having enjoyable pleasurable sex with a man. I had experienced the 'forced' style of sex with men before, but this was the first time I was experiencing pleasuable sexual interactions with a man. That player also ended up leaving DX awhile after my departure, but he came back long before my return. We enjoyed each other's company and enjoyed role playing with each other... so naturally we started playing again. At first I was purely in the 'new girl' role. I was nervous about being forced into sex with a man and he was purely in the 'guardian' role he plays so well. He's not a forcive player. He doesn't fulfill the role of pushing a new girl past her boundaries and making her have sex. He guides them and helps them. In this instance he was helping me by assisting my character with her memories. Letting her cry about her situation. But something happened.
We started to feel more toward each other. Love. Here's where even I get a little confused. Caitlyn is a part of me, but she has her own 'self'. And she's falling in love with him. When I'm in Caitlyn mode (when I have my mask fully on, if you prefer to think of it that way), I have genuine feelings for him both as a character and as a player. We share those feelings in the chat areas of the website as well as in private messages. I share parts of my life with him that have nothing to do with the game... like when I was experiencing a migraine attack that lasted for three days. He sends me loving messages just saying that he misses me when I'm not there. That he thinks of me when I'm not there.
And here's where I say Caitlyn is back. Because there are times when I"m not at the computer, but I'm thinking of him. I even had a dream about him. It was... well erotic doesn't quite describe the depth of the dream. I believe it's the first time I dreamed of myself as Caitlyn making sweet caring love with a man. I've had half formed 'forced' sexual dreams, but never one that was happy because of the loving feelings. I woke up and stayed in Caitlyn mode for quite some time.
But there's that odd disconnect. You see... I (Calvin) don't love him. I still stand by the fact that I'm a heterosexual man that has a fetish for almost all things TG. I've given thought to what 'Caitlyn' represents in me... does she mean that deep down I"m really a woman? Am I trans gendered? Am I bi-sexual? Am I homosexual? And the answer to each and every one of those is no. I see a possible (dwindling possibility) future of me married to a woman. I see myself in many situations loving someone romantically but it's always a woman. When I try to picture myself with a man, it just doesn't work. It's a turn off.
But that's not true when I'm Caitlyn. When I write "I Love You so much" I mean it. And I'm writing this to a man, and he sees me as a woman. He knows I'm not... he knows I'm a man, but I believe he sees me with my mask on... he sees me only as the woman I see myself as when I'm writing that.
Right now we're having our fist sexual encounter, but the sex is almost secondary to the emotional impact. I think we had about two pages of replies where we were simply kissing and undressing each other. We've now had four messages between him positioning his cock at t he entrance of my pussy and him pushing all the way in (we're in missionary position). It's passionate, and loving, and sweet, and caring. It's certainly arousing and sexual, but those are very secondary. We're making love, not having sex. Not fucking.
So I'm exploring two fantasies right now. One where I fall in love with a man (we've both played with the thought of marriage, even though such an act would be far into the future). And in the other I'm kneeling and feeling submissive to a woman who I'd like to be permanently collared by. These fantasies can't exist together. Not in their full intensities. I can picture submitting myself to her and she 'lets' me have sex with 'my man'.... I can picture submitting myself to her while she takes on him as her own lover and I then participate as a slave to them both. But I can't picture falling in love with him while at the same time falling into slavery to her.
But I am so looking forward to how these two fantasies collide! And I'm so sure that Caitlyn is back and can now integrate into my happy life!
So... I'll try to update here more regularly. There's some fun music I have to share, there's other fun stories from work, there's family stuff I want to talk through, there's tons of political stuff I want to try and figure out, there's even a girl at work who's caught my eye. But that will all come in the future.
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