Updates all over the place!

Nothing really big has been happening since my last pair of Calvin/Caitlyn updates.  Before I get into the new, let's cover updates from those updates.  First up, Calvin:




Mom's health has plateaued again.  The one thing that worries me is that she seems far less eager to try and get out of the house. I'm not sure she's left the house at ALL in the past month.  One annoying thing is that means I have a new weekend chore... picking up the groceries that she's purchased online and has for pickup.  I loved that she was using that service as it gave her an opportunity to get clean, get dressed, get out of the house, and still not push herself too far by walking around a store or standing in a que.  BUT... I'd really rather not be the only one going to get the groceries.  Mom, my brothers, and I all now live together and damnit, R or B could also pick up the groceries.  In fact, last night while mom was finalizing her grocery order for this week she asked my brother B and I what time she should set the pick up for.  B immediatly offered to pick it up by saying that if he were to do pick it up it would have to be around 1 or 2 pm.  He's the only person in the house that stays up until 3 or 4 am then sleeps in until 11 am or noon.  So what does mom do?  She looks at me and asks if 11 am would be fine.

Wha?

What the hell is wrong with 1 pm and B picking it up?

Whatever.  Mom wants it that way and I want Mom happy, so I'll do this.  I'll just swallow this annoying pill and accept that I'm going to be getting Mom's groceries every week on my Saturday morning.


I dropped the ball on my aunt's phone.  I never got back to her with my decision of keeping my phone for now.  It's just a bad time of year to be spending any money on last year's phones.  I might still get a OnePlus phone, but it will be this year's model that comes out in March, April, or May.


The winter tires are both great and terrible.  We've had a fairly dry winter this year without too much snow.  What snow we've had has been dealt with easily by the new winter rubber, so that's good.  BUT, when the roads are dry these tires suck just as bad as the all seasons.  They spin.  I was REALLY hoping for some extra cold dry pavement traction, but evidently that's unique to those performance winter tires.  So, no more getting to hear Nina really sing until the spring.

The other part that sucks about the tires is that they offer a lot more cushion.  That's great when I'm going over a pothole, but I can now feel the bit of sway that cushion gives me around corners, so I have to take corners even slower than before.  It just feels less sporty.  I guess that's just the trade I have to make in the winter.

I can go through snow but otherwise a Mustang sucks in the winter.  No matter what tires are on it.


And now Caitlyn updates:

I'm still working on that longer story.  It looks like it will be a LONG one as ideas for scenes keep coming to me and they really fit the longer arc I'm trying to make.  I did kind of put it on pause for the past couple weeks as I started to write out an Obscura last week and ended up writing an even LONGER story (at least initially longer).  I wrote on the primary blog how I'm trying to qualify what constitutes an obscura, a short story, and a full story.  I'm still not sure there will be a technical difference, but I will say that once the story gets to a certain length, it will be published to Fictionmania instead of my blog.  Nobody wants to see just a big wall of text, especially those coming for the lovely bite sized caps they're used to.  More on writing later.


My January post count and page views returned to a far more normal amount.  As a reminder, December had almost 150,000 page views, my 4th highest ever.  January, with its 6 posts had only 83,000 page views.  That's still a monster month, considering the few posts.  February looks like it will be similar as it has just over 69,000 now and there's still a week left.


I found a couple more 'girly songs' that I really love.  One is new to me, the other is old but struck a powerful chord within my heart.  Powerful enough that I purchased it just so I'd have a higher quality version for the car.

The 'new' one came from watching SNL.  I don't watch the show live as I find much of the skits annoying, but I love the news like 'Weekend Update' so sometime on Sunday morning I launch up youtube and catch last night's Weekend Updates.  If I like the presenter that week I'll watch their monologue, and if it looks funny I'll even watch the cold open.  Now, most of the music on the show is outside of my compatible zone, but I'll always check it out and listen to at least 10 seconds of the two performances.  Well this one had me caught, hook line and sinker, from the first few seconds.  If you watch the video you'll see why.  But after listening to this song over 50 times (according to Google Play Music), I don't love it for the video, it's just that the video brought me in and made me love the song.

Hmm... okay, I wanted to put the video here but I'm guessing SNL is blocking it from embedding.  Or maybe it's Halsey (or her record label) as I can't even find the official video to embed.  That's fair.  Here's a link to the SNL youtube video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGYo1bmqn40

And here's the song itself if you want to hear it but not leave the page:

What really caught me from the first view is her on the bull.  It's one of those weird dichotomies as I could watch this in front of a group of family and/or friends and not be worried that it's too girly.  Most of the guys, I"m sure, will look at it and assume I'm enjoying watching the overly sexy girl.  I am... but I'm wishing I WERE the overly sexy girl.  It's not often I feel that way outside of watching porn (blush), as even when I'm feeling particularly feminine I enjoy watching the feminine form.  I just don't picture it as me as I am grounded to much in reality and know that no matter what exercise and diet and surgical changes I go through, I'll NEVER have a body like that.

But watching her in those first few seconds on that bull, first in silhouette shaking and shimmying her body, shows such feminine confidence.  She's sexy and she knows it.  I'd love to be that confident in my body, male or female.  When the lights come up and she's still on the bull, I can feel my body wanting to move like hers.  I wouldn't move like that in public, but sitting here on my chair, I'm pulsing to and fro just like her.  Arching my back, pushing out my imaginary breasts, pushing out my ass.  I can feel my thighs clench and grip that bull especially when it goes into that repeated up and down motion.

And after she hops off, that feeling continues.  I watch her hips shake back and forth and I feel those motions dying to come out of my own hips.  I watch her mouth move and I mouth along with the lyrics.  And while it might be hard to imagine from me, this isn't a sexual thing.  Even being in the feminine role, it's not sexual.  When all the dancers surround her, I'm not going off into porno imagination and picturing me, as Halsey, getting gang banged.  When she's lifted up I'm not feeing the guy's hands creeping into untoward areas of my body.  I mean... I'm kind of imagining those things as I write them, but not when I'm watching the video in real time.  I just picture myself being a strong, sexually confident woman like her.

And I like that!

The other video is a little more corny, but it makes me smile and for whatever reason makes me feel cute and girly.

Watching the video is cringe worthy... but I love the song!


I mentioned computer wallpapers in the last update.  Well, that inspired me to get a new batch.  I ended up with 27 new ones with the 'me' one being carried over.  Normally I'd look at wall papers that were either 'sexy' or 'feminine' and enjoy looking at them but never put them on my computer.  Especially now as my younger brother will use my computer while I'm at work.  BUT... this time I'm letting in some.  These could all be explained away as either being sci-fi or drawing based... but these are now in the rotation:

Except for the 'me' biting lip photo, none of these are directly feminine.  BUT, they all make me feel that way when I see them.

I've talked sometimes about wanting to share my full self with family and friends and I still have that as a goal.  But with my other goal of living myself out-loud more, I'm wondering if someone will just eventually put the pieces together.  My more than a little feminine room (especially the blanket), the fact that I'll often make my dashboard and interior lights pink in my car, the fact that my music is getting distinctly more pop like and girly, the fact that my speaking vocabulary is getting more feminine, the fact that I stand up more stridently for LGBTQ rights, especially the T and Q.  Or are all of these loud siren like hints just being looked at as quirks.

Could people actually be looking at me as masculine?  I've never explored that thought as I've thought of myself as fairly androgynous leaning toward masculine.  Hmm.... something to chew on.


Root Canal?
Okay, on to the new and the first thing has to be this fucking pain in my head.  I mentioned back here in October that I had a couple crowns put in and that it was still causing me pain.  I didn't mention it again as the pain just kept getting less and less.  When I had a cleaning in January the dentist checked it out and I told him I was happy to keep on the 'wait and see' approach.  At that time I couldn't eat anything hard on that tooth, but I could eat around it and I only had to take pain meds when I accidentally ate something hard... say an almond... directly on it.

Well I don't know what changed, but this past week the pain has exploded.  I noticed a few times at night that I'd wake up with that side of my face hurting.  I'd just roll over and not give it another thought.  But then I had a migraine on Tuesday.  Wednesday I though it was still hanging around until I focused on the symptoms and realized that the pain I was having from my right ear down into my throat was all centered around my tooth.  That it got worse when I ate, even if I didn't chew at all on that side.  And the kicker... that my gums were swollen.

I'm not sure if it's the roots getting angry or some kind of infection, but I can cause pain just about anywhere on the right side of my head and/or neck.  And NOTHING mitigates the pain.  I even blanched in pain while cleaning out my ear with a Q-tip.  It got a little better on Thursday which I think is fate giving me the big middle finger, because it got even worse on Friday.  And as I'm posting this on Saturday, it's really bad.  I say it's fate with it's big middle finger as Thursday I could have called up my dentist and probably gotten in that day.  Even if it wasn't that day, I could have set up an urgent appointment for Friday.

Fridays just doesn't have those same options as it's their early day.  Their office is closed by 3 pm... about the time I made the decision that something had to be done.  So now, unless it's an emergency, I'm going to have to wait all weekend.  I imagine that unless he sees its obviously infected, it will mean a root canal.  And boy that's going to hurt in many different ways.

First, my root canal story from back in April of 2018 (posted here and here) is much like this one.  It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, and then the quote of "the drilling was about the worst pain I've ever experienced" from my own post is disturbing.  But I can also quote myself saying "But once she was done.... the pain was just gone."  So it will hurt until I get it done, it will hurt WHILE getting it done, then it will feel better.

Second, I was managing my pain back then with motrin and vicoden.  I don't have any vicoden left.  Even if I did, it would be 2 years old and probably expired.... as a nurse I know that means not taking it!  So I'm going to have to manage this with just motrin and tylenol.  :(

Third, I blew through my dental insurance. As I've had dental insurance for several years now and have actually been using it, I've leared quite a bit about how it works.  First, I have really good dental insurance.  It covers a LOT of the expenses.  I've walked out after fillings paying only $10.  I've walked out after TWO crowns and a filling and paid only $80, and I don't pay anything for twice yearly cleanings or annual x-rays.  But as with almost any dental insurance, it will only cover so much per year.  Late last summer my dentist and I agreed on the two crowns to occur in October because that's when my insurance renews for the year.  Well, that visit tool ALL of my insruance for the year.  I even paid the $115 for the dental cleaning in January out of pocket and agreed to get two more fillings later this year for about $200 apiece.

Well... a root canal performed at my dentists office, and not the endontist's, will cost between $300 and $1,500 with the normal being between $900 and $1,100.  That's a lot of financial pain.  I don't recall paying for anything out of pocket for the last root canal but I'm sure that's because I hadn't blown through my insurance.

But getting rid of pain is worth a monthly payment.


First World Keyboard Problems
So my new computer fetish has to be keyboards.  In the past few years I've had around 5 different mechanical keyboards.  From a logitech that had white lighting (LOVE THE LIGHTING!), to a newer logitech that had individually colored lights (LOVE THE COLORED LIGHTING), to a couple different Razer keyboards.

I really like the loud clicky mechanical switches.  I'd tell you which Cherry color I like (Cherry switches are the most popular mechanical keyboard switches), but neither logitech nor razer use cherry switches.  I've had problems though with all the keyboards I've bought, and understand these aren't cheap.  They've cost between $100 and $200 each.  The logitech ones just don't last long.  At least they don't last long in the smoke filled environment that my bedroom is.  And yeah, that's more on me than it is on logitech, but it still means I can't reliably use their keyboards.  Plus the software just sucked.  I didn't like the way the lighting looked.  The razers, by comparison, were better.  The keys lasted even in my hazy room, with the only physical problem coming in the volume roller.  The problem with razer is that they can't seem to make software to save their lives.  And when their software fails, the keyboard goes all wonky.  The lights start going into a bright rainbow pattern that is VERY distracting, and any tweaks I do (like reversing the direction of the volume roller) goes out the window.  Once it does that, the only way to fix it is to restart the computer.  And let me tell you when I have a Word document open and am writing out a cap, Photoshop open with a half created cap, several web pages open to several images and information that I need for the cap, I'm not going to turn the computer off and try to recreate that.  So I then have to finish up with my keyboard looking like a circus freak.

Razers software problems fooled me once, so shame on them.  But it fooled me twice, and that's shame on me.  Logitech is out too as I just won't trust their physical duribility and visual blandness.

So I was ready to upgrade/change last year and found a company that I hadn't used before.  Roccat (oddly pronounced Rocket).  They, like many manufacturers today, don't use Cherry switches, but it's for a really good reason this time... they use these very SHORT switches.  You see, the whole selling point of this keyboard was the way it looks.  It's thin and industrial:

It's gorgeous!  It even has a built in lighting system that keeps the keys slowly changing and morphing in color that I love.  But there were two problems.  The first that came up was the multimedia keys.  There aren't any.

Ever since I started loving on my expensive keyboards, I've learned to use the keyboard to control my music.  Play, Pause, Next, Previous, and volume.  There's sometimes other buttons, but I use those 5 all the freaking time.  Especially since I use multiple desktops now and my music player is sometimes covered up and sometimes on a completely different desktop.  So pausing the music or just cassually tapping a button to 'next' my way to a song that's interesting or more fitting to the current moment is something I really want.  Close to need.  And now with the most beautiful keyboard I've ever seen in real life, I have to go without.

Now, if you're looking up the keyboard, you may see that it does have multimedia keys.  They're just a multiple key press.  You hit the function key and then F9 for previous, F11 for play/pause, and F12 for next.  There is also a real volume knob.  But those function/F-whatever key strokes don't work consistently.  And working inconsistently is worse than it not working at all.

I've kind of gotten used to going to my music app and controlling the sound through that.  That's not BAD and the visuals really make up for it.  But then comes the other problem.

I got the wrong keys.  They make this keyboard in two variants, one very clicky and one less clicky.  I thought I was buying the clicky one and was disappointed when I got the less clicky one.  I lived with it though as I hate sending stuff back unless it's broken or just doesn't work.  This has a pleasant sound to it and the keys are comfortable on my fingers.  So I've been using it for several months.  But I've noticed I get more typos than normal.  Getting some extra typos with any 'new' keyboard is understandable as you have to get used to the particularities of the key shape, the placement, the spacing, and the switches.  Well, I got used to all of that except for the switches.  These ones aren't only less clicky, they're VERY sensitive.  It doesn't take much force to engage it and I type with gusto.  In previous keyboards I'm sure I accidentally tapped quite a few keys while typing fast and hard (heh... hard), but I just never engaged the keys.  Now, when I accidentally hit them with the way I type (heh... hard), I AM engaging them.  Causing more typos and over all slowing my typing down.

This is bad every day, but it's worse now as I try to write out these much longer stories.  I'm actually teaching myself bad habits as I'm not correcting as I go along and just fixing the typos when I'm finished with a paragraph.  That's bad as I'm going to miss some problems that aren't necessarily misspelled.

So, that's problematic enough to get another keyboard.  BUT... what keyboard?  Even if they had the right keys for this one, I still want one with media keys and refuse to pay $120 to KNOWINGLY get a keyboard without them.  So I'm off to the races again.  Corsair?  Steelseries?  HyperX?  They're all going to get visits from me soon enough.


A trip to Austin?
I'm thinking of a trip this spring.  It normally wouldn't be anything to think about as I didn't spend much time in Dallas on my last trip with the almost immediate flight out to San Fran.  I should just que up a good weekend with my buddy and drive down to visit with him and his family.  But I still like doing new things and I realized one of the cities that have been on my bucket list is only 3.5 hours away from Dallas.... Austin.  Home of the South by Southwest festival, home to tons of live music, home to a thriving local beer brewing scene, home to some great restaurants and bars, home to several really nice museums, to the state capital, to the University of Texas... it's just a gem that I want to visit.

I'm in the early point of planning, so a lot is up in the air right now.  All I've done is make sure my buddy A would be up for a long weekend there.  I still have to decide if I want to spend any time with his family and how much of a balance to strike between those two places.  Plus if I get a root canal and cought up $1,500 for it, that might detail a lot of planning.


On-Call
It's finally my turn again.  One really sucky thing about being a supervisor where I work is that I share being on call with the other supervisors.  We used to do it monthly, but since our schedules come out every 6 weeks, we changed our on-call schedule to that.  And yes... that means when there's a problem after hours at the prison, from a medical emergency that's outside of our scope to a call in from another nurse, they are supposed to call me.  For 6 weeks.  Straight.  Obviously, I can't be drinking while on call, so that means no drinking.  I actually don't mind as I'm not a booze hound or anything, but it ruffles my feathers that it's just taken off the table.  Say J and I go out to a local museum and then want to hit up a bar afterward.... well tough, I guess I"m drinking soda.  I COULD travel and have 'time off' from being on call, but that means handing the on-call duties off to one of the other supervisors during that period.  And I hate burdening someone else so that I have time for 'fun'.

Most of the calls are from nurses calling in sick.  If they call in as a one time event, they just call the clinic and then only if the clinic needs to have someone mandated to cover will they call me.  But it's cold and flu season and several people are calling in with doc notes saying that they're off for days at a time.  And while this is only my 2nd weekend of being on call (out of 6!!!!) I've received calls at least a dozen times.

God, I hate this part of the job.



Drinking
So, I've always known that one of my biggest problems with weight and diabetes is my caloric intake.  I just take in a lot of sugar and calories.  The specific problem, however, is less to do with what I eat and more to do with what i drink.  Soda (or Pop as most locals want to call it).  A normal weekday, beverage wise, looks like this:  Two cups of coffee with lots of cream and a touch of sugar.  A mountain dew to take with breakfast and to help with taking pills.  Three 20 oz Gatorades while at work (one for the commute to work, one for while at work, one for the commute home).  Those Gatorades can be the zero calorie, the low calorie, or the full flavored full-of-sugar varieties.  If I'm particularly thirsty at work, I'll have another 20 oz soda, but rarely finish that off.  And yes, I'm happy to throw it away instead of taking it with me.  Then once home I drink another couple cans of soda.

That's a weekday.  The weekend drops all pretenses as I don't drink gatorade on the weekends.  It's JUST soda and I can drink upwards of 6 to 8 cans of it.

That is a LOT of soda.  I've tried the low and zero calorie versions of many of them and all I can say is "ick".  I've tried pure water.  Ick.  I've tried Gatorade and other sports drinks.  Ick.  Hell, I've tried drinking light beer casually in the evenings.  Ick.

I've been trying to get off the soda wagon for years and years, and I just couldn't find a replacement.  It had to be tasty, carbonated, and be able to clean my mouth out after I smoke.  Pure water was fine tasting, but the lack of carbonation was bothersome (and didn't help taking my pills) and just didn't clean out my mouth after a smoke.

Well, a couple months ago I heard someone on a podcast say that they were drinking a lot more sparkling water.  And he even mentioned that it helped clean out his mouth and he loved the carbonated feel.

I'm still in the experimental phase, but I think I may have found at least a partial substitute.  It can't be the complete solution, as after each can of carbonated water I really want something with a lot more flavor (soda), but if I could even cut out every other can... if I could halve my soda calorie intake from beverages with something I enjoy!?  Yeah, I'm excited to keep trying various brands and flavors.





Okay, I was going to talk about some more stuff but I'm just tired of rambling and I need to get ready to pick up Mom's groceries (sigh), so I might post again soon.  Ta Ta!