2019 was a year of self discovery, but it started on a bad note. Most of my friendships have been lost over a period of time. Like highschool friends when we all promise to keep in touch even though we're heading in different directions for college. You call each other several times and maybe hang out a few times, but those times get further apart until you realize it's been a year since you thought about those 'old' friends. Well, in March of 2019 I broke up with a friend in a swift harsh moment. It had been building up for awhile, but An and I were just not compatible. I wrote later how he tried to keep in contact but did it in strange (almost assuredly drunken) ways, and that continued for several months. I actually got an email form him in November before the Michigan V Michigan State football game. He told me that if Sparty won he'd keep the Paul Bunyan statue on his mantle, but if they lost he'd smash it into 1000 pieces. Umm.... okay. I already bought one of my own as I was pissed when you took it back, but whatever dude. I kind of hope he keeps writing as every few months I think about the good times in our friendship and wonder if maybe we should hang out again... then he writes and I realize what he's like when he's drunk and remember that it's just not a good idea!
I waffled back and forth on buying a car, but the pain of driving my car two or three days a week then driving Mom's Escape a couple times a week to keep the milage down on my lease just built and built and built. I bought Nina, my 2019 Mustang GT 5.0 and have loved her ever since. I swear, I haven't gone this long without looking for another car since.... well, never. The only cars that catch my interest are ones that are WAY beyond my price point. A new, top of the line 'Vette. A 5 series Bimmer. A Mercedes coupe sports car. An Italian sports car. But cars that I CAN afford? Screw them, they aren't as good as my Nina.
Work was frustrating. I don't feel that I've gotten any better at being a nurse manager. Worse, I think my boss just isn't that good at her job and can't seem to hold me accountable. I run over her in just about any way I want. So, she's not teaching me about my job and I'm not sure how to get better at my job. I could go above her head and talk to one of the Directors of Nursing, but that would probably get my boss in trouble and I don't really want that either. I may just look at moving back up to town here and find a better boss that way. We started the year in a serious low staffing level, but are nearly fully staffed now. It's good and bad as people are calling in more often and I think it's because they don't think someone will get mandated to work overtime. BUT, sometimes more than one will do that with the same thought, and together they'll put us at a low staffing level and make me mandate someone to cover them.
I try not to talk about money directly, although I've mentioned it a few times I'm sure. Well this year I did break new ground. In November I had a year of being a nursing manager under my belt and evidently that took me from being an 'inexperienced' nurse manager to being a Nurse Manager 2. That included a nearly $2000 a year raise. I had said earlier that I didn't get a raise to become a nurse manager because I lost out on a bonus... well this now makes up that difference and then some. I've been making the most money I ever did, ever since I got a nursing job 6 years ago. BUT, I'm not making more than my Dad ever did. More than either of my brothers ever did. I'm not the wealthiest person I know, and am in fact making the least money between my two best friends (A & E)... but since I'm living at home with Mom without any real rent or any real big bills, I have more money to spend than my friends or anybody else I know (maybe some of the doctors have more, but most of them have families). I won't say specifically how much I now make, but I can say that making six figures is now less of a dream and more of a real possibility! I've covered more than half the difference between my starting wage as a nurse and that magical figure in 6 years!
Let's see... I got my first big public tattoo. It's on my left forearm and is pretty rad if I do say so myself. I was sad for a bit as the tattoo artists to inked me left the shop where I went, but then it all got better when I found out that she was opening her own shop. I'm happy for her and will eventually return to get something on my right forearm. I'm all about the symmetry!
A thought that just entered my head... what if I did a Janus type image... the one Roman god with two faces. But mine would be a stylized version of my face on one side and Caitlyn on the other. I could make it longer, like from the waist up to really show that one half is female and one half is male... Hmm....
There was the car that hit my house, but that was a temporary thing and is now done. Screw him. Oh, I don't know if I mentioned; he had his trial date. There wasn't anything about drugs, so maybe that was just a mistake on the cops part. The worst thing was his passenger wouldn't press charges or testify against him, so without that he didn't leave the scene of an accident with an injury, he just left the scene of an accident. That changes it from a felony to a misdemeanor. Even the damage to our hosue wasn't enough to send him back to prison. BUT, our insurance company was part of the trial and he now has a judgement to pay them like $40,000.
I went on a nice (and much needed) vacation and it covered just about all the different types of vacation one could hit. I had a bit of a staycation at home. I drove down to Dallas. I few out to San Francisco and stayed there for a few days, then reversed the whole thing. And by tying it into the Veteran's Day holiday, I was off of work for almost two whole weeks! It was glorious!
Health wise, I haven't had any step backs. My migraines are getting a little worse, but still not nearly as bad as before I saw the neurologist. My diabetes is doing a bit better. Mom's health... well she's doing a lot worse and that's an ongoing thing, so we'll see how that turns out. All in all, I won't look at 2019 as a bad year for health.
Family wise, my younger brother moved back home. So now it's Mom, R, B and me. We used to fit fine in this house with Dad when we were kids, but we barely fit into the house as adults. And I'm still not sure what B's endgame is. He still is taking care of his family. I would expect him to care for his children, no matter if they were living with him or elsewhere... but he's taking care of his wife too. maybe this is just a way for them to save money and catch up on bills and they'll end up living together again. I just don't know.
I had a couple good holidays to end the year and Mom's health scare, so we'll call that even (so long as Mom recovers just a bit more).
And finally... there's the journey I made with Caitlyn. In my own head, I no longer refer to my feminine self as Caitlyn. I refer to ME as both Calvin and Caitlyn equally. I am man, I am woman. I am both. I wrote up a whole long post about it, but in short I call myself queer. Not quite trans-gendered, but not quite happy with myself as a man. I'll probably write a longer post on where I think this will all go, but that's for the future.
And now, lets get on to those questions. Like in years past, I'm doing this without reading my earlier answers, so these may be repeats.
1.What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?
I got a big tattoo that I can't easily cover up on my left forearm. I COULD wear long sleeves and it will be easy to cover up for an interview if I so wished, but I don't wear long sleeves, and don't plan on interviewing for any job that it would be an issue at. I also visited San Francisco... what a dirty nasty town! It might be a liberal paradise, but it has to fix its homeless problem or it's going to just be bum central.
2.Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any new years resolutions that I recall. So in a way, Yes, I kept them! I've been listening to a podcast and one thing they talk about is not having a new year's resolution but instead, having a theme for the year. I like that idea and may try that. But I didn't do it for January 1 so I'll have to cover it later.
3.Did anyone you know give birth?
Nope.
4.Did anyone you know die?
Nope.
5.What countries did you visit?
Just the U S of A. Didn't even go to Canada. Let me tell ya, I'm barely using that passport!
6.What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
A clearer image of where my job is going. Last year was my first as a nurse manager, but I don't feel any more confident of it now as opposed to then. I'd like to at least know what getting a handle on this job looks like, then I could at least make a path to that.
7.What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 16, 2019. The day I bought Nina.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Coming to terms with my own sexual identity. It only took 45 years to realize I'm both a man and a woman. What will I get to in the next 45 years.
9.What was your biggest failure?
Not telling anybody about my biggest achievement. I had intended to tell A and E in San Fran, but I hemmed and hawed and just didn't do it. I'd like to tell my family but I'm just not sure about that....
10.Were you seriously ill during 2018?
No.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
Nina.
12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
My younger brother's. It can't be easy to break away from your wife, but their relationship was becoming toxic and financially ruinous. I'll have to put a pin in this answer though, as this might turn out to be a bad decision if he just gets back with her and they return to their old ways.
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
President Trump. He's just awful at being a human being. Everything good is about him, everything bad is about someone else. Things he doesn't want to be true is fake news, things he wishes were true are spoken about as if they ARE true.
14.Where did most of your money go?
Heh... Nina. Seriously, that's a big car payment!
15.What did you get excited about?
I was really excited about the vacation this year. I think it was because I was going to share a deep part of myself with my closest friends, and in that way it was a failure. But I was VERY excited about this trip even before I knew where it would be to and how it would occur.
16.What songs will always remind you of 2019?
when the party's over by Billie Eilish. That song just hits me in the feels so freaking hard.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
Sadder/Happier? I think I'm happier. I'm fairly happy and I dont' think I was at the end of 2018 and beginning of 2019.
Thinner/Fatter? About the same. Between 270 and 280. It's a slow SLOW climb upward, but I'll hit those good months and lose it back down. So.. about the same.
Richer/Poorer? Richer. I saved a bunch on my student loans, which made up for the extra I spend on Nina. PLUS I got a big fat raise this year! Woo HoO!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Time with friends.
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
Time worrying about the time I should be spending with friends. Seriously, I spent a lot of time worrying that since I dropped An as a friend that I was now all alone. But I have friends at work (they're not friends outside of work, but still it's social friendship), my close friends across the country, and my family. Plus J and I are becoming closer friends.
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
Uhh... yea, I'm writing this way late. Christmas was spent home with Mom, R, B, and B's family (yes, even the wife). We were also celebrating as Mom had just got out of the hospital.
21.What is the one thing you would have gone back and done differently this year?
I wish I had something more insightful here, but the biggest thing I'd change about 2019 was buying my car from a new dealership. I should have gotten my salesguy at my hometown dealer to find me the car I wanted and got it through him. Instead I had a shitty sales experience and won't ever go to that dealership again.
22.Did you fall in love in 2018?
Yes... with myself. I'm not trying to be corny, but I think I've accepted myself, my whole self, more than I ever have in my conscious adult life. I love me!
23.Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
There's a nurse at work that was helping out an inmate. She was calling him, being his friend, sneaking him in coffee... she was just a few steps away from sneaking in drugs and weapons. I'm glad she's gone and hate her. I'd spit at her if I saw her on the street.
24.What was your favorite TV program?
I think I have to be clear, there isn't any "TV" any more. I just don't watch broadcast TV shows beyond sports and rarely even watch cable. I spend most of my time watching streaming services. As such, I think my favorite was Handmaid's tail on Hulu. That was done SO well.
25.What was your greatest musical discovery?
I spoke about this in the last post, but it's realizing that certain songs just hit that feminine button for me and I can now line them up and just be girly and happy about it.
26.What was the best book you read?
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. I've set up a reading list that includes a lot of the countries best and favorite books and this was one of those.
But I'd like to just mention that one of the books on that list is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I started reading it and while I really disagree with it's pro capitalist anti government anti socialist stance, the part that makes me hate it is the way she wrote the damned thing. She has her charters go on these multi page rants that I've read before... sometimes just a few pages before. It's making it a long hard slow read. And while I looked up my book list to see what I'd read this year, I realized I'd been reading this one damned book for 7 months now. Fuck that noise. I'm going to rent the movie and watch it to finish the story and just not read the damned thing any longer.
27.Are you happy with your lot?
Yes
28.What did you want and get?
Nina.... seriously, I wanted a good new car and I got that in spades with Nina.
29.What did you want and NOT get?
More friends. But I'm happy with that now.
30.What was your favorite film of this year?
The big one that sticks out is Avengers: Endgame. It really did a good job wrapping up 10 years of Marvel stories. Like superhero movies, don't like superhero movies, I think everybody has to admit that it is a huge achievement to make a decade worth of like 20 interconnecting movies and have them all be financial success. I watched a lot of other movies this year, but as I look back at them I think they were either just okay and good, or they were so hyped up that they seemed bad in comparison.
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't remember. Worked probably. I turned 45 in 2019 and will turn 46 in a few days.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't have a good answer for this. The things I wanted would have been easily measurably more satisfying.... so I don't have a big thing that... OH WAIT!! TRUMP GETTING KICKED OUT OF OFFICE!
33.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Still unchanging. My friends asked me to bring a particular shirt to San Fran they remembered me always wearing and we all joked that it was now a vintage bowling shirt.
But yeah, I wear it most weeks. It's STILL my style.
34.What kept you sane?
Work
35.Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pete Buttigieg
36.What political issue stirred you the most?
Just how pathetic the Trump supporters are. They not only believe he's doing a good job (he IS in certain ways) but they also believe he is doing no wrong, that he's done no wrong, and believe every word he says even when it contradicts the thing he said just the previous day. That's a big group of the country that I look at as total and complete idiots and they still surprise me with how much they just seem to go along with what he says.
37.Who did you miss?
My Dad. It's been almost 13 years since he passed, but I really missed him this year. I'm not sure what he would have thought about me being queer.... it certainly was something that a man of his time would often look at as bad... but I really like to think that he would have accepted it and loved me even more for it.
I miss my Dad.
38.Who were the best new people you met/got to know?
There is a whole new group of nurses that we've hired. Seriously, they are just good people!
39.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018:
Life is better without a toxic friendship.
40.Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
We're talking away
I don't know what
I'm to say I'll say it anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, okay?
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two
So needless to say
I'm odds and ends
But I'll be stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is okay
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two
Whelp, for better or worse, that's 2019. I'm sorry it took me so long to write it out, it just slipped my mind as I had intended to do it in early December then... poof. I'm glad to see that my series of bad years didn't continue. It was honestly a good year!
Hurrah for good years!
ReplyDeleteI've not been checking blogs of good people such as you nearly as much as you deserve this year. Glad to check back and find you happy, healthy and... Settled. Queer is a good place to be, I think. Glad it sums things up!
All the best!
Joanna
Interesting read! Glad to see Joanna too. Miss her on my blog!
ReplyDeleteGlad you are financially secure. I remember way back when you were a student and questioning why you went into nursing and the job offers you didn't get while all your classmates were getting jobs. Now look at you! No more candy striper outfits for you!