So... I bought a dildo.

I thought long and hard (go ahead... laugh at the unintended double entendre) about where to post this.  The Masks blog or here.  I mean, is this Caitlyn or Calvin?  And I guess the best answer is that it's both.  And since I'm pulling 'Calvin' out of the 'Caitlyn' blog, I figure it should go over here.

But fair warning;  this is sexual and fetish and fantasy and open and honest.  I'm blushing right here and now just imagining what i'm going to be talking about and I'm only on the second paragraph.  I guess it doesn't help that I've already titled this post and I've already got that image of the woman in pink sunglasses (mask?) drooling on her dildo.  But anyway.... here it goes.

I posted earlier this month about a road trip I was going to take.  I took it, and it was just as fun and as relaxing as I was hoping for.  I didn't realize just how stressed out I was in just about every aspect of my life.   Work, Home, Friends, Family, Fantasy, Calvin, and Caitlyn.  I was stressed out and needed a break.  So the two days driving down was a good partial relaxation.  I felt the stress just melt away the two days I was with A and his family.  That left the two days driving back and that was... well, it was eye opening.


On the first day driving back a song came up on the playlist.  I should explain, I was splitting my driving time listening to three different things.  I was listening to various podcasts I had downloaded (Radio Lab, This American Life, 99% Invisible, The Allusionist...), an audio book I had purchased specifically for this trip (Changes; The Dresden Files book #12), and then music from my iPod.  I've talked about my music choices before and you should know by now that it's very eclectic.  Part of that mix is 80s pop and sometime in Arkansas Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth" came up.

Yeah.  That ear worm.  Hearing that song put me into a kink kind of mood.  I imagined a D+X or M&R type scenario where a feminized man in stockings, heels, garter belt, panties, and a bra was made to go out onto stage and give a big hulking 'Alpha Male' type of a guy a blowjob.  While it's a simple enough fantasy it was very detailed.  The stage background was black except for some blue lighting shining up.  The Man was sitting up against the headboard of a bed while the 'man' was made to crawl up between his legs, pull down his underwear and do the deed.  All the while there was an audience watching the whole thing and "Heaven is a Place on Earth" was playing the entire time.

Now here's the odd thing about this fantasy.  I was neither the 'Man' nor the 'man'.  I wasn't participating in the action at all... I was directing it.  I was imagining what I found sexy and then watching the Man or the man do it.  Holding his ponytail hair as he guides him up and down his long thick cock.  Gently pulling his underwear down and letting the semi hard cock spring up and slap him in the face.  Having his own panties pulled aside as another Man comes up behind him to take him from behind.  And whenever the song would end, I pictured the curtains closing... but then I'd hit 'back' and start listening to it again.  I'd start picturing the fantasy again.

I probably listened to that song a dozen times.  And yea, if you're counting that's about 50 minutes of "Heaven is a Place on Earth".  And yes, I'm listening to that song over and over right now so that I can remember that fantasy better.

Eventually I let the fantasy go and listened to other music, the audio book, and the podcasts.  But it had really put me into an aroused mode.  Now, I normally masturbate once or twice a day.  I don't know if it was stress or what, but I didn't masturbate once in the previous 4 days of this trip.  So that night in the hotel I was particularly on edge.  After having dinner I closed up the curtains, locked the door, put on some music (yup... Belinda Carlisle), and grabbed my iPad.  Like the fantasy I have no idea where this desire came from, but I wanted to re-read Timothy Reisling Betticut's story "Pansy Pond"  I found it online and started perusing.  There's one particular part of the story that really got to me.  It involved one of the main characters 'Lance/Kimberly' being bound kneeling in front of a bench while men came and sat in front of her and made her give them blowjobs.  Her legs were bound to the floor, her hands were bound in an almost praying pose in front of her, her neck was bound to lean forward close to the seat, and she had a ring gag in her mouth that left her mouth stuck open wide.  All the while she was trying to indicate to her wife Randi Russell, who was watching, that it was her and that she wanted to go home and not do these acts.  One very specific part got to me and played over and over in my head while I got off....



"As Randi Russell’s voice faded the large dong popped free from
Kimberly’s lips and spurted over her eyes, nose and hair while the blond
shook to avoid the massive spray and hoped his wife wouldn’t come back
before they let him out of the blow job room. And Lance could only
squirm forward in shame as a second man slid in front of his kneeling
mouth, his flaccid dong pointing at Kimberly’s soft red lips jacked
wide. Lance felt his great breasts sway as the guy tugged him forward
and down upon his meat gagging.  Futiley Lance yanked at his wrists and
tried to pull free of the belting and corseting and taut black skirting
and towering heels that simultaneously entrapped him and made him into a
more enticing Kimberly-the-cock-sucker."



My mind focused on '...felt his great breasts sway as the guy tugged him forward and down upon his meat gagging....'  Now in many areas of my life, I'm a visceral person.   I like to experience things.  A lot of the time when I'm roleplaying at D+X, I'll physically get into the positions I'm describing so that I can better experience what I'm writing.  It would be incredibly difficult to experience that line.  I'd have to be tied up, I'd have to have a ring gag in my mouth, I'd have to have breasts at least glued onto my chest, and I'd have to have something to slide down upon.  The bindings I can imagine.  Just kneel, put my hands in front of me, and squirm while not allowing myself to sit upright or move my hands away from one another.  The ring gag can be imagined pretty well as long.  Open my mouth and clench my jaw as if trying to close it... but don't let my mouth close.  The breasts?  Nope.  I have no idea what that would feel like and I can't think of anything that could mimic that without buying breastforms.  And the dong?  Well, while I've imagined giving blow jobs and practiced with various penis like objects (screw driver handles, flashlights...) I've never had an actual cock anywhere near my mouth.

But I COULD have a dong.  I know, in the story 'dong' is used correctly as another word for penis or cock, but I've always thought of 'dong' as another word for a realistic dildo.  So what's stopping me from getting an actual dong?  A cock like dildo?

So that thought was going through my head the next day as I finished my trip and returned home.  Sitting there in the car, listening to the book, the podcasts, and the music gave me plenty of time to think it through.  I figured that a silicone dildo would feel fairly realistic.  Hard plastic, glass, wood, metal... those wouldn't work.  It would have to be cock shaped and fairly realistic... a head, veins, balls.  It would have to be safe for oral use.  Preferably it would have to be flesh colored.

What about size?  As a person who works in the medical field I know what 'average' is, but do I want that type of realism?  I mean this is part of a fantasy inspired by stories and porn.  I have almost zero interest in actually giving a blowjob.  So I don't want something in that 4 to 6 inch range.  I want porn cock.  7 to 9 inches and about 1.5 to 2 inches in diameter.  Something that would easily and humiliatingly fill my mouth and stretch my lips.  Something that, if I wanted to take the fantasy that far, I could deep throat.

So that's the dildo that I'd want.  I've never shopped for dildos but I imagined that it wouldn't be hard to find something like that.  Next was purchasing.  I actually passed a couple big adult stores on the highway and considered pulling off to just go in and buy one there.  It would be perfect as I could see actual examples while having zero chance of seeing anybody I knew.  We're talking about me being hundreds of miles from home in a place I won't ever be again.  But while I often have humiliation and embarrassment as part of my fantasies, I don't really want to experience that in real life.  I don't want to have my face be all red (I wouldn't be able to stop that) as I brought a big ol' cock up to the cash register, pony up the cash, and hand it to the guy or gal there.  Nope.  Internet you're so wonderfully isolating!

But if I'm not going to buy it in person, that means it's going to be shipped.  I would need to make sure it came in discrete packaging as not only would the delivery person see it, the family that I live with would see it as well.  And while I buy a lot of stuff online and have it shipped, most of it comes from Amazon.

Amazon.

Yeah.  Amazon would put it in one of THEIR boxes to advertise their own store.  And I get those boxes all the time.  Hell, I get them often enough that nobody here at home even asks about them anymore.  I get my diabetes supplies, books, electronic gadgets, and gifts from there.  So getting a package with that Amazon smile on it wouldn't raise a single eyebrow in question.

Of course, that means associating it with my Amazon account.  But that should be fine... I already have several kindle books that are transgender fiction associated with the account and it's never come up and been a problem before.

So... yeah... I bought a dildo.  Here it is on Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06XCW41PW/

I've played with it a few times, and yes I was reading that particular part of Pansy Pond while doing so... and it was explosively fun.  It's sitting back in my closet right now, between several pair of old scrub pants.  Basically a place that I can get to quietly and that no one will go looking for anything.  I'm not sure how much I'm going to utilize it though.   Sure... it makes those fantasies really powerful.  I don't have to rely simply on my imagination to feel a cock sliding past my lips.  I don't merely have to rely on my imagination as I picture myself dressed up and acting like a girl, licking her man's cock to arouse it as she screams inside that this is so SO wrong.  When reading a story about how a guy is kneeling in front of a man and getting slapped by his huge cock... I can kneel down and get slapped by a huge cock.

But I think this will be more like my dalliance with wearing panties.  Yeah, it got me REAL hard and it was explosively fun too.  But it just became old afterawhile.  I wasn't interested in taking the next step... wearing panties all the time.  Wearing them to feel more feminine and more myself.  Because I don't want to feel that way all the time.  To take that idea to my dildo, I don't want to actually perform fellatio on a man.  At least not all or even much of the time.

Plus it's not like it's inconspicuous.  I mean, come on.  It's an almost 9 inch long flesh colored realistic cock.  If I'm doing my fantasy and someone steps into my room, I can't exactly just hide this thing quickly.  Sure, there's always that fear because there would be something on my screen, but I take a lot of precautions to a make sure I can 'hide' what's on my screen.  My sexual fantasies are on a secondary desktop and by pressing Alt, Windows Key, and Left Arrow, I can pull up my 'normal' desktop (which I keep occupied with a youtube or ESPN page and a word document with a journal like entry.  That way if they hear a bit of video, see me leaning in close to the screen, or hear me typing, it will all look 'normal').  And if worse comes to worst, I can quickly turn the monitor off.  Poof... it's gone.

That's not possible with a 9 inch dong.  Trust me... I've considered it.  I've considered it when I started writing this post.  Again, I'm visceral, and I wanted to have it out while I type and talk about it.

So not only will this not be a long term part of my masturbatory fantasy life, it is also extra risky.

So you never know... this might end up helping me with my writing.  I mean I already know that after having it in my mouth for 5 minutes, my mouth feels empty without it.  I never knew that.



Edit July 23, 2017:
As you can probably tell at the end of this post, I was losing focus.  I had been writing for a couple hours and frankly reliving a fairly powerful experience for me.  I wanted to visit D+X (to take advantage of the whirlwind of emotions running through my head), but I also wanted to just get up and get away from these feelings.  My writing became a little disjointed, and I finally just stopped writing, posted this here and added a link from my Caitlyn blog.

Now a day later, I'm feeling more calm and feel like I can touch upon something that I wanted to write about, but just didn't get to.  How I feel about this.  On one hand, this is just something I did.  It's no different than describing how I went shopping for my brother's new bluetooth speaker.  I decided to do it for some reason, I did research, I considered several things, I weighed options against each other, then I made a purchase.  The fact that this is a dildo and something private just gives it that exhibitionist feeling for me (and maybe a bit of a voyoristic feeling on your end?).  But on the other hand, this is a very big step for me.  As big, if not bigger, than me wearing women's panties.

You see, the line between Calvin and Caitlyn is getting more blurred all the time.  When I first named my Caitlyn side, she was simply a mindset I accepted.  A 'feeling' that I experienced.  She didn't come into my life of watching TV, going to school, hanging out with friends, and certainly had no physical representation.  Now?  Now she's been here.  She's crossdressed to a limited degree.  And now with this act she's practiced giving oral sex to a man.

So this is a pretty weird set of feelings for me.  I'd imagine that this is a set of feelings that a true submissive feels.  Pride and embarrassment.  Embarrassment comes from pushing myself further outside of what our society considers normal and I'm nowhere near strong enough to say that I don't want to be normal.  If I consider the 'normal' man of my age, he experimented with sex in high school (maybe younger?), had a series of girlfriends where he learned what it is to love and what he's actually looking for in a lifelong mate, found his love while in college or soon thereafter, married her, had several children, and by now probably has one or more of his children in college.  He may have experimented with some kink.  Tying up his wife.  Role played in the bedroom (oh look, it's the babysitter!  or oh look its a leather wearing mistress!).  But he hasn't desired to be a woman and he hasn't worn panties and he couldn't explain how his tongue was pushed down as a cock presses against the back of his throat and gives him the impression of what real true gagging would feel like.  I'm embarrassed not only for wanting to know what that experience is like but embarrassed for going out and working TO experience it.  Where exactly does this lead?  Will I check out Craig's list and start looking for a man?

But then there's pride.  I'm proud of myself for doing this.  I'm proud that I recognize that there's no real 'normal'.  That having a feminine side and wanting to experience things is not only good but healthy.  That fighting off these urges is akin to 'training the gay away'.

And that though there leads me to something else that's been on my mind.  What exactly is my sexuality?  There's so many ways to define sexuality.  There's the 'normal' that I talked about earlier where heterosexual monogamous sex is 'good' and everything else is bad.  Let's just take that notion and throw it away though.  There's heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual.  There's male and female and transgender.  Then there's a couple words that have been floating around in my head for awhile.... asexual and nonsexual.

I think, at it's most basic, I'm a heterosexual man that looks at sex as either pure mental fantasy or strongly associated with love.  I have almost no desire to go out and have casual sex.  I don't want the emotional tie ups that casual sex would entail.  I'm not being sexist and considering the woman's feelings as those emotional tie ups would be mine.  At the same time I have a strong feminine side.  And so far as I can tell, that side of me is ALSO heterosexual or at the very least bisexual with a stronger attraction toward men.  When I consider my most feminine feelings, I feel strongly attracted to being in a loving relationship with a man.

There.  I said it.  I wrote it.  I'm a man who's attracted to women and a woman who's attracted to men.  But I don't express either of those side of myself in 'real life'.  I have no intention of ever falling in love and having sex with anybody.  Man, woman, or anything in between.  I thought, for awhile, that that would put me into the asexual side of things but the more that I read about asexuality, the more I think I'm wrong about that.  Asexuality, as I currently understand it, is having little or no sexual desire.  As my Caitlyn blog and this post here in particular will attest, I have STRONG sexual desires, just no need to experience them with another person.  At least not physically.

It's just confusing.  I like being an open and honest person.  But if someone asked if I were homosexual... I'm not sure I could really say no.  I mean, I'm genetically a man that has desires for other men.  Sure, when I have desires for men it's with the caveat that I see and think of myself as female at the time, but as strong as my mind is, I'm NOT female and have no desire to live as a female.  It's a simple question really.... are you homosexual.  Yes is appropriate and fine.  No is appropriate and fine.  It shouldn't take a paragraph or more to answer that question.  But I'd take up a lot more than a paragraph.

There just doesn't seem to be a category that fits me.    There's no one word that encompass me.  Heteosexual, homosexual, bisexual, queer, intersex, transsexual, asexual, nonsexual.... none of these fit.  I guess if anybody is ever bold enough to directly ask that question, I have the opening to discuss 'this'.  To talk to someone face to face and see what someone else thinks of this.  I can only hope that the person is at least as open as me.

Anyway, back to the original point;  I Have A Dildo!  YAY!!