But the underlying current in that thread is that I"m sharing music. I'll sometimes write out a scene with me in character, and sometimes explaining how that particular song is affecting me in real life.
So today after I wrote up the previous post about going to New Orleans I wasn't feeling particularly 'Caitlynesque'. I've been thinking recently that I might be slipping out of her mentality, so I wasn't too surprised. Instead of moping about it, I just continued to focus on New Orleans. I went to youtube and watched videos about the plane I'm going to take (MD-88), about checking luggage in at the airport, about both Detroit's and New Orleans's airports, and then on to watching videos about New Orleans itself. I started watching one that was in a Video Log (Vlog?) format and had a musical montage in the beginning with a song that I hadn't heard before.
At first, it was just one of those songs that I don't particularly like. It's chill. Chill music normally doesn't do anything for me. I think slower songs are fine for that mood, or even more upbeat songs that are kept quiet enough to be background music. But this one... well, it changed me. It washed over me in a way that left me feeling very feminine. I started hearing bits of the lyrics and one in particular caught my ear...
"And her hair blows like a lighter in the wind"
Now, I hear songs from men singing about women and when I do, I often picture a beautiful woman. But this time... I pictured me. I pictured me as that beautiful woman that has hair blowing like a lighter in the wind. I got a big smile on my face and went on my day. But my day was now proceeding in a Caitlyn way. I went to D+X and caught up on all of my outstanding posts.
Later, when I had some more time to think about it, I went back to that video to find out what song that was. Just listening to it again brought that big smile back, so I followed up by not only reading up on the rest of the lyrics, but also headed over to iTunes and purchased it. Like many songs I purchase, it went into immediate replay. I listened to it over and over and over and over.
It hit me kind of hard... did this song make me feel like Caitlyn? I mean, I don't like Chill music and this is most assuredly Chill. I started to think a little more about it and went back to D+X to add it to my playlist diary. Here's what I wrote there, along with the lyrics:
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Chill music isn't my thing... except it's really starting to BECOME my thing. And when I hear it... oh God it really pushes me into full on Caitlyn mode. I'm going on a trip recently and was on youtube watching videos of my destination and came across this fun funky video blog of a couple's weekend there. This song was playing and it just happened... Caitlyn was here and she just took over.
At that point, I didn't have any plan to come over to D+X. I just wasn't feeling femme and was lost in the fantasy of an upcoming vacation. But after that song got stuck in my head... I couldn't even finish that video. I just kept switching back to the part that used this song and just sat there with a goofy grin on my face realizing that I want to be the type of girl that inspires someone to write a song like this. I want to set him free. I want to be dangerous fantasy. I want to set him free to where he wants to be. I want my hair to blow like a lighter in the wind. I want him to lose his senses and I want to get under his skin.
It actually makes me look back on a few of the songs I've played here in my playlist and wonder... do I like these songs because they're my style? Or do I like these songs because they make me feel more like Caitlyn. Or... do I not really care for these songs, and only I as Caitlyn really like them?
Song's like "Mara's Song", and "Flashed Junk Mind", and "Mess is Mine".
It's really starting to make me think, and maybe even redefine exactly what "I" am and what "Caitlyn" is... and how the difference could be both smaller and larger than I ever considered before. But that's for another time... right now, I just know that I want to dance and imagine Sean singing this to me, while picturing my hair blowing like a lighter in the wind!
I build my love like a castle in the sand
And when it comes down
it comes tumbling to the ground
And when she speaks
it's a dangerous fantasy
That sets me free to where I wanna be
She sets me free to where I wanna be
She sets me free to where I wanna be
And her hair blows like a lighter in the wind
And I lose my senses baby
it gets under my skin
And when she speaks, she's all I'll ever need
She sets me free
To where I wanna be, I wanna be
She sets me free to where I wanna be, I wanna be I build my love like a castle in the sand
And when it comes down
it comes tumbling to the ground
And when she speaks
it's a dangerous fantasy
Sets me free to where I wanna be
She sets me free to where I wanna be, I wanna be
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Those other songs I mentioned there are ones that I've posted in my playlist diary recently. Mara's Song isn't chill, but the other two are. It even hit me that I kind of fell in love with a Chill song remix that made it even more Chill. And I found this particular song on a College Football Hype Video. And yes... when I watched that video, I felt far more like Caitlyn even though I was geeking out about Football (GO BLUE!)
That particular one is Riptide (FlicFlac Mix):
Chill
So... does Caitlyn like Chill Music? If so, can I bring her back when I can't find her by just playing some songs? Another way that I know this isn't exacly my normal speed in music was when I shared some of these songs with my brother. He and I don't agree on music... he likes a lot more pop songs than I do and normally won't really get into a song until he's heard it on the radio a few times. When I played him these particular songs, he already knew them and wondered how I had come across them. He already had them in his music collection (even the Riptide remix).
Another thing... I don't look at these songs as particularly feminine. They're not exactly screaming masculinity either... but I've liked more feminine songs that didn't make me think of Caitlyn.
I don't know.. I'm going to have to let this simmer for awhile and think about it. But how cool would that be... bringing Caitlyn back when I'm not feeling like her by simply putting on some music!
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