Originally I intended this to be a place that I could continue to communicate with my 'Caitlyn' friends. I could be open and walk in my Calvin voice and keep you up to date with what's happening to me.
And for awhile, that's exactly how I treated this space. But over time it's changed. First... I found that I still visited other blogs and even Rachel's Haven. I'm not all that vocal everywhere, but I do still comment on blogs and even occasionally post on the Haven.
So while I don't share the details of my life, I DO still keep in touch. I've even found that I can still cap... although not with the same kind of passion that I did before.
With that level of communication and the fact that talking about every thing going on my life is kind of dull... I've unconsciously changed directions here.
Maybe part of it is simply that I have such a small audience. Sure, I never expected that hundreds of people would want to join up and see behind my mask, but I did think that it would be more than a dozen or so people. So when I write here now, I'm more often just talking to myself. I think I mentioned that I used to keep a diary or journal of sorts called my 'Ramblin Notes'. Writings where I would just talk about things going on or an area where I could work out random ephemeral thoughts into beliefs and truths. This has more or less transformed into my new version of Ramlin Notes.
Take for example my post about getting healthy. I didn't really write that out thinking that I was telling 'you' about it. I was just writing out a thought process. It actually surprised me when I saw that Dee respond to it. It's almost as though I was having a purely internal dialog, and then someone standing next to me comment on it. It wasn't unpleasant in anyway... just unexpected.
Keeping this up as a blog for friends to check in with is problematic. It seems that since I made the blog 'private' or 'members only', that it never updates on 'recent blog' lists. Right there I miss out on a way to let people know I've made a new post. When I make a post over at Caitlyn's Masks I know that anyone checking their 'updated blog' lists will see that I've made something new and come over and check it out. Here? Well let's just say that I can make a post and not have anybody read it for a week or so.
I currently have 12 people allowed in (13 if I include myself). I have 28 posts since making the blog private, and only 12 of those posts have 12 or more views. There is one post that only has 4 views. I'm not sure what to read into those numbers. I know that reading up on the minutia and random thoughts of mine isn't everybody's cup of tea. I know that some of 'you' wanted to come in and see what I was going to be doing, but lost interest. I imagine that some of 'you' just lost track... again it's not like I put out the bat signal when I make a new post.
So... if I had to guess, I'd say that I have two or three people reading what I post. What does that mean? Well... nothing really. I've already shifted to posting more 'rambling' thoughts here. I guess the point I'm circling around is that for now I'm going to keep posting here but it's not just updating 'you' on what's going on with my life. Sure, I'll still do that. If I get a girlfriend or expand my social circles, or find something new to celebrate or criticize about work I'll still post it here. But the majority of the things I'm going to be posting will be more internal dialog.
There may be long wandering posts where I'm really trying to work something out, but there may also be shorter more direct posts where I've already worked out the meat of the issue and just want to declare what I've decided. And while I"m not writing specifically for 'you' to read them, I still welcome the attention and appreciate the feedback. It's always nice to throw up ideas against the wall and see what sticks... it's even better when the wall tosses some ideas back!
So thanks for stopping by and reading, and I apologize if this isn't exactly what you were looking for.
Well, you have at least one reader. But I am pants at commenting, so post away with your internal dialogue because there's nowt wrong with that!
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