How can I be more feminine?

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about femininity.  Just to update everybody, I'm queer.  I've only really accepted this definition for myself for the past 18 months.  To me, queer means I am both man and woman.  My gender is not one or the other, it's a gray scale between them.  At times I am completely masculine.  At times I am completely feminine.  My gender preference seems to follow my current gender, so when I'm masculine I'm more attracted to women and when I'm feminine I'm more attracted to men.  

'Ronacation

I never heard back from my HUM on whether or not I'd be able to work from home.  I think some of that may be me inadvertently pissing her off.  We've both talked about people taking advantage of the system we work in.  For instance, if you're a close contact you can choose to follow our new guidelines.  Those are the getting a  temp check twice a day, even when you're not working, and getting an instant test every day.  If you choose not to do that, then you have to sit out for two weeks.  Well, we've had nurses that have been close contacts that have chosen to get their 'Ronacation (a vacation that's paid for because it's created by having exposure to the coronavirus) instead of going through some easy to follow safety measures and coming in to help out.  

'Rona just won't leave me alone

 Damned disease.  I've been having some symptoms of 'Rona, but I've been having various symptoms for months.  A little extra cough here, a little sore throat there.  Nothing big.  Especially since at work we've been tested every week since September.  All negative results.  Well, this week I was a little extra paranoid. 

Voting 2020

I posted a cap on my other blog and in the comments couldn't resist a call to go out and vote.  And once I stated down that path, I also let out that I'd be voting for Biden/Harris.  I should have left politics out of it as I'd like my other blog to be a friendly loving place for those wanting to see the wretched transformation and feminization of unwilling men into sex slaved women.  :)  But seriously, politics is it's own thing and doesn't belong as a tag on for another post.  The perfect example is a comment I got over there that I want to respond to, but who is going to read it and maybe even respond to it when its attached to a post about a guy getting transformed unwillingly then willingly into a woman to the tones of "OMG What's Happening" by Ava Max and "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor.  So, instead of responding there, I'll write up my post here as a fully political post.  

Voting Time!

 I guess this will be just a bunch of mini updates as I have a lot of things to talk about, but not a lot to say about any of them. 

You (I) should be sad

I've talked about being sad before.  I've talked about having a Caitlyn side and how that affects me before.  I don't think I've ever talked about my Caitlyn side effecting or being affected by my sadness before.  Now, before I get to far into this I need to clear up how I think of myself.  I now accept that my feminine 'side' is a journey.  From 10 years ago when I started my Caitlyn's Masks blog and was an avowed heterosexual man with a fetish fantasy to now where I consider myself queer with a masculine side and a feminine side.  It's not static.  I don't think I'll consider myself in the same way 10 years from now.  But I no longer consider 'Caitlyn' a side or separate part of my conciousness... its just me under this skin.  Sometimes I'm feminine.  Sometimes I'm masculine.  Sometimes I'm both, sometimes I'm neither.  Language just doesn't quite cover how I feel and know I am, so forgive me if I stumble over words.  

'Rona

 

Why do I find COVID-19.... coronavirus... so fucking scary?  I see people I know, people I trust, throwing caution to the wind.  Going out, having fun, traveling, being with family, being with friends.  Meanwhile I'm holed up in my dead aunt's house, not going out anywhere other than work, the store to buy groceries, or the gas station to fill up Nina.  Am I being too cautious?  Are they being too flippant?  Lets look at it together and maybe come up with the right way to look at it.  

Diabetes Can Kiss My Ass!

 

Its such a small change on my health record.  One new medicine right.  I mean come on, I already take 12 different medications, what's one more?   But this is a big one.  It's bigger and worse than a high blood pressure pill or a statin for cholesterol.  It's smaller and better than chemotherapy.  

I am now on insulin.  

Yeah, I already got a MacBook

Remember way back a week ago when I said "It's not something I'm going to do, but it IS something I'm going to keep considering.  Don't be surprised if I talk about my 'new' Mac soon".... yeah, soon came a lot sooner than even I expected.  

Big and small updates

Lots of changes going on here.  The home situation, a new watch, considering a new computer, work and the nurse who just doesn't understand, setting up a smart home by destroying a smart home, music in the car leading to a cell phone service change, disappointment in my story and the crushing feeling that has on my creativity, continued COVID craziness... maybe some more as I go along.

Wanting to leave both home and work?

So, I still haven't won mom over.  Not completely.  I'm still home and she's still at my aunt's place.  I really have to start thinking of that house as my cousin's place, but that's a hard habit to break.  Anyway, I talked to her a couple weeks ago and told her about how firm I was on the whole idea of both having her come home and be more comfortable and happy, and at the same time not having her or I live in the same place for the foreseeable future.  I'm not talking about weeks or months... I'm talking about seasons or years. 

Out and Over

I've actually talked about moving out a couple of times on this blog.  I forgot about them, but they're here and here.  And while neither are exactly relevant, they do lay out my thoughts on moving out in 2016 and 2018.  2 Years later, and for entirely different reasons, I'm finally moving out.  This isn't about me leading my own life, or setting up my retirement, or directly dealing with Mom's need for my help.  Nope, this is all 'bout the 'Rona.

Apple wins again

As I mentioned in my last post, I signed up for a 3 month trial of Apple Music and have been working on it since then.  But before I go into that experience, let me talk a bit about using the iPhone and my thoughts on Apple as a whole.

The Frustration of Music in Nina has Returned

I had it.   I had the solution.  After years of mild to moderate to massive frustration solved.  Screw with iPods or Walkmans, I'd just go with the limitations of bluetooth and accept a bit of lost fidelity.  Honestly after doing it for almost a month I only found the loss of quality to be annoying on a handful of songs.  But that goodness lasted all of a month and now I'm at a loss again.

I GOT COVID 19

For most of my adult life, I tend to get a couple colds a year.  When the outside temperature goes all wonky, my body just seems to open up, take on a virus, and get sick.  I remember back when I was "young" (i.e. my twenties, when I thought I was "old") it was just once a year.  If I didn't get sick in the spring I could bet that I'd get sick in the fall.  But that single year sickness only lasted a short while and it soon became twice a year.

And now I'm scared...

It's finally hit my facility.  Covid 19 has hit several different prisons, but it hadn't spread past those in over a week.  I won't go into exact numbers, but the department has had a lot of inmates test positive.  The department has had a lot of employees test positive.  The department has had several inmates die.  The department had a couple employees die.

This.  Shit.  Is.  Real.

Covid and other updates

None of these subjects are long or in depth enough to warrant their own post, so here's another famous update riddled entry!  I hope to talk about my recently deceased aunt, my thoughts on Covid-19, my specific thoughts about working as a nurse through this viral outbreak, sharing some new music, and my final solution to getting music in the car.

Car Shopping Again Part 4!

This is the conclusion to the Car Shopping Again series where my brother B and I find and purchase his new car.  We left of last time with him finding the car he wants but being unable to negotiate the price down to what was acceptable.  It remained a $250 difference between our highest offer and their lowest offer.  We were heading out the day I wrote Part 3 with 8 cars to look at.  4 in one town and 4 in the other.

Car Shopping Again Part 3!

While I might later make a post regarding my grief, I'm not going to go into it right now except to say that my Aunt S passed away a couple nights ago.  With all of this Covid-19 stuff going around, we can't even have a proper funeral, and that's just killing me and my family.   My cousins are focusing on closing down her life and prepping for a memorial service sometime in June.  As I mentioned in the last couple posts though, getting my brother B out of Aunt S's car and into one of his own IS part of dealing with Aunt S's passing so that they can garage it and cancel the insurance on it.

A deep and all encompassing sadness

My aunt S is going to die.  Soon.  I'm not talking months, I'm talking about hours or possibly days.  She's been spiraling downhill for quite some time.  It all started in those dark days around the time of my father's death.  Soon after we had dad in his grave, she had to go in for heart bypass (my uncle reminded me and my cousin yesterday that my mom, him, and my aunt have all had bad heart surgeries... so we'd better be on the lookout for cardiac problems).  Her bypass failed in a spectacular manner.  While lying in bed, a day after the surgery, she just got really pale and passed out.

Car Shopping Again Part 2!

So I left the last bit of car shopping off without a resolution.  B had come home and eliminated the Impala and the Malibus leaving the Buick LaCrosse, but the dealership was closed.  Now I'll tell you up front, this still isn't done.  There will distinctly be a part 3 to this, but I wanted to post some updates as my head is going about 1000 miles an hours on so many levels, and I think just writing here will make me happier.

Car Shopping Again!

If you haven't noticed yet, I love car shopping.  In the nearly seven years since I got my nursing job I've purchased 4 cars for myself (Fiona, Ginger, Isabella, and Nina), two cars for mom (Girly Girl and Lil' Brucie), and helped my brother R get his Jeep Grand Cherokee (he refuses to name his vehicles... heathen!).  Each and every car had it's own set of criteria, wants, needs, and desires.  And each time shopping was a joy.  I.  Love.  Car.  Shopping!

Dungeons & Dragons & More

I know I've mentioned playing Dungeons and Dragons before.  Both in the vague sense that I've played as a kid and enjoyed it thoroughly and in the vague sense that I'm showing my nephews how to play it now.  But as I've been playing the part of Dungeon Master again for several months now and spent last night playing with the group, I figured I could take a deeper dive and talk about it.  If I have time, I'll go further into this post and talk about my 'normal' weekend plans, explaining pain as my dental work is attacking me again, and maybe even about owning a dog or politics.  We'll get all crazy on this post!

Updates all over the place!

Nothing really big has been happening since my last pair of Calvin/Caitlyn updates.  Before I get into the new, let's cover updates from those updates.  First up, Calvin:

A Year In Review - 2019

This whole ‘year in review’ idea am from Joanna on her Happiness blog.  I haven’t visited her site in quite some time (that's something I'm going to have to fix this year!) but this is an idea that I plan to do as often (annually) as I can.  It’s just a bit of a review of what happened over the last year and a list of questions.  The questions, over time, and their answers should be telling on how I’m changing.  I’m writing this without looking at the previous answers so they won’t bias my answers now.

Caitlyn Updates

So, I started writing this out as one post but realized it quickly and easily breaks down into two.  One of them is from the every day me.  The one not concerned with my sexual identity.  The one concerned with family and my car and my phone and my job.  One of them is from my femme side.  The one that IS focused on his/her sexual identity and seeks out things that enhance her femininity especially because she can't experience those feelings in the "real" world.  So, this second part is about my femme life.  The previous post is about my 'normal' life.

Calvin Updates

So, I started writing this out as one post but realized it quickly and easily breaks down into two.  One of them is from the every day me.  The one no concerned with my sexual identity.  The one concerned with family and my car and my phone and my job.  One of them is from my femme side.  The one that IS focused on his/her sexual identity and seeks out things that enhance her femininity especially because she can't experience those feelings in the "real" world.  So, this first part is about my every day life.  The next post is about my femme life.