Before I go into the whys, whens, wheres, and such I should probably give a quick history. I think I've talked a bit about this before (I mean you know I lived in Chicago right?), but I'm not sure I ever laid it all out straight.
I was born in this house. Well...okay, not born in this house, but when I was born this is the house that Mom and Dad brought me 'home' to. Mom and Dad had bought it just before my older brother was born in 1972. I stayed here through all of my childhood and into young adulthood. I spent two years at the local community college and never really gave much thought to moving out during those two years. For a solid year (not just the school year), I moved away for the first time to college.
That was up at Ferris State University in Big Rapids Michigan. If you've never heard of it, don't even worry... it's the smallest of Michigan's 15 State Universities. I was there for three semesters starting with the summer semester in the dorm. Yup, dorm life. Thankfully I had a room all to myself, but there was a shared bathroom with the guys next door. The next semester I stayed in the dorm but started to hate it. Thankfully I had a friend at the school (yeah... just one friend), and she had an apartment with two room mates. One of her room mates moved out and it put them into a bind. I came to the rescue and moved in with them.
No, unfortunately this wasn't exactly like Three's Company. The two girls did share a room while I had my own space but that's about the only similarity. T was my friend and B was her room mate. T was cool and we got along very well. B... well B was a bitch and didn't want to live with a man. She insisted on taking up more of the refrigerator space, she insisted on eating alone, she insisted on studying in the main room of the apartment and had to have it be silent when she did so, she wasn't a nice person and knew it and didn't care. She was, honest to God, going to college to find a husband.
That was a bad semester overall because I didn't have that much money. One good thing about the dorm was the food card and access to the cafeteria. It was also bad because it's the semester I decided to stop trying to be an Optometrist and start trying to be a Photographer. That would have been fine and good had I made that decision in March.... but I made that call in January just after the last day you could withdraw from classes. It's the only Semester in high school or college that I actually failed. Between the failure, having no money, and knowing that I was changing gears into a direction that meant a lot more college.... it was just bad overall.
Oh. In addition not having money, I also got my student loan statement for the first time. I had been in debt before for a couple hundred dollars and even just over $1000 at one point. But that was the first time in my life I was ever in debt for almost $10,000. Ten Thousand Fucking Dollars for a year at school that wouldn't count toward my new photography degree. And it's not like that number was going to get smaller with the three years of photography college. So I knew that it would mean.... moving back home.
My next three years was spent back at home with Mom and Dad. After graduating with my photo degree I moved to Chicago with my best friend. He and I shared a really cool garden level (that's pronounced; basement) apartment. Living in Chicago was amazing even if it was financially ruinous. As I have written about before, I adore Chicago. Living there as a pauper didn't change that one little bit and I still look back upon that year fondly. Mainly because it was MY year. Yeah, I had lived away from home before, but it was in a dorm or in an apartment with two girls. I never really looked at those places as mine. And even though I was still sharing a place in Chicago it was MY place just as much as it was HIS place.
But then there's the whole financially ruinous year living as a pauper. After another year I moved back home. Again. I spent several years there and got myself back together. When I moved out the next time I honestly though it would be my last time moving out. I moved back into an apartment with that same friend, but this time in Lansing Michigan. It's where the photo company was located that we both worked for. We more or less picked up right where we left off... it was MY place and it was HIS place. I wasn't making good money by any means, but I made enough to get by and have fun with.
We shared that apartment for two years until he moved back in with his Mom. At that point I crossed a line... I moved into my own apartment. Alone. It was scary and glorious in equal measure. The fridge? Mine. The AC unit? Mine. The bathroom? Mine. The TV? Mine. The computer and access to the internet? Mine. Mine Mine Mine. Yes, there were times that I was lonely, but that was something to be dealt with and not anything to cry about.
The next year I moved to suburban Detroit. Southgate Michigan, if I'm being specific. I didn't move alone though, I moved into a bigger nicer place with my older brother R. R and I worked for the same photo company (he was on the video side, but still cool like all of us on the photo side!), and while I made more money R was sure to cover his half of everything. That's just a matter of pride and while I could have comfortably paid more, I let R pay his share. I would have wanted the same thing and been embarrassed if someone told me that I couldn't cover my share just because I made less money.
We were there for just under a year. While it was good to share a place with R, it was a stressful year. The company was hitting some hard times and I had to make compromise after compromise for the photo division. Near the end, it was decided that the photo division would be shuttered and I spent a good two months closing everything down and setting up all the photo equipment for a quick sale. I probably could have kept my job... while all the photographers were let go, I was the graphic arm of the company. From video graphics to signage, I was the guy to go to for that. Plus the owners really respected me
But in June of 2006 I got a call from my Father telling me that he had been diagnosed with Cancer. It's the first time I ever heard him cry and it just broke my heart. A couple weeks later R and I moved back home to be with Mom and Dad. When he passed away in January of 2007 I started looking for another job. All of my stuff was in a rented storage unit except for my bed and clothes. I found work here and there, but nothing that paid the bills. Eventually I decided that a photo career wasn't in the cards for me so I went back to school. I fully committed to nursing and spent the next four years going to school and looking for a job.
Three years ago I found that job. It changed just about everything I could imagine about my life, especially financially. Now Mom had more or less covered my finances while I was in school. During most of the last three years I was borrowing $250 a month for my most basic of bills. So naturally when I got a nursing job paying me more than I had ever made before, I reversed that. I started paying Mom $250 a month. I started paying for my cell phone bill, and then a few months later picked up Mom's cell phone bill. After buying a nearly brand new car (Fiona), I bought Mom a nice car. All told, I soon ended up paying nearly $600 a month to and for Mom.
Since I was staying at home I had no rent, so these payments were easy. I even had enough to sell Fiona and cross off buying a brand new car from my bucket list... even though the monthly car payment for Ginger is just under $700 a month.
So that's where I am now. I have my room, but the rest of the house is Mom's. I've felt that that's just right and proper. It's not like this is MY house. It's MOM's house. R, Mom and I all live here, but he feels the same. It's HER house.
If this were my house, a lot of things would change. I'd have replaced the TV a long time ago. I'd have dropped cable television and just used my Roku (maybe I would have kept basic cable). I'd get rid of the Dog (Ziggy). I'd have purchased a new oven as soon as this one began to cook like shit (uneven temp in the oven and all the burners, door springs broke a couple months ago). I'd get the driveway repaved. I'd have the house re-wired to be up to code. I'd have the house's plumbing redone to be safer and newer (you know... done in the last 80 years?). I'd have the car port and garage torn down and a two stall garage built. I'd repave the driveway. I'd cut down this old ratty tree in the backyard. I'd consider putting in an addition to the back of the house to make the kitchen far bigger.
And that's the rub... if this were my house I think the best solution for me would be to sell it and get a different one. I mean eventually it WILL be my house. Mom made sure to make the transition to us kids easy and as tax free as possible. The house officially is owned by a family trust with mom acting as the chairperson. When she passes away it will stay in the trust and my older brother will become the chairperson. My younger brother has no desire for the house. He and his family are renting an nice house and they like that living style. R can't really afford to buy out my younger brother's and my share. So I could take out a mortgage on the house (making it mine and not the trust's) and pay off my younger brother. The mortgage would be paid equally by R and I and the house would be equally ours. Legally it would be mine though as it would be my mortgage. The other option would be a little more dramatic.
I take out a mortgage and buy the house I want. R is free to move in with me or move wherever he wants. We then sell the house and split the profits equally. That's where I'm actually leaning. I don't want to own a house. I do want to own a home, but I'd far rather have a condo. Yes, a condo always has home owner association (HOA) fees kind of like rent, but there's no lawn, no snow removal, and no major repairs to do on my own (the HOA may require extra funds if it's a big repair but it would be split among all the condo owners).
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I currently live in my Mom's house. That's not just a legal technicality, it's the reality that I insist upon. I just can't enforce my will here. Or better said, I will not enforce my will. This gets lived out in many ways every day. I'll just put up today for example:
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Today is a holiday for me. I have no plans today and just want to have a comfortable lazy day. Tomorrow will be football (GO BLUE!) and Sunday will be shopping and getting ready for the week. Today is just lazy. I woke up without my alarm at quarter to 8. I went out to use the bathroom and it was occupied by my brother. We only have the one bathroom so I went out to make my morning cup of coffee. Mom sets up the coffee each day and we have a timer on it so it's ready to pour. That's good, but it also was brewed at quarter to six this morning. So it's 2 hour old coffee. That's not good. R had already made his cup and he uses a LOT of cream and sugar. Naturally that means the coffee spoon was sticky. With my cup of coffee poured I went to the bathroom that R had just finished with and went in for my morning pee.
I sat down at my computer to start the day, but had to go back out and wash my hands more thoroughly from the sugar on the coffee spoon. I'm currently taking a daily blood sugar and if I left any of the sweetness on my finger it would have messed up the measurement. I get my blood sugar (179. Bad, but not too bad considering yesterday was Thanksgiving). Before I got the bleeding to stop I heard Ziggy start barking to be let outside. He woke up since both R and I were downstairs at the same time. His barking was followed by Mom yelling at him to shut up. I let out a long sigh and got up to let the dog out. It's not my dog and I don't love the dog... but he's an animal and he needs to pee. Mom would eventually let him out but it would take 15 minutes of hearing them argue (bark bark, oh shut up Ziggy!!) back and forth. And even then, Mom isn't in the best of health so I really don't want her using the back stairs that she'd have to go down then back up, then back down and up to let the dog in.
So I let him out. I hang out near the door so that when he barks to be let in I'm there to do it and not have Mom do it. She'll wait forever to let him out but she moves like lightning to let him back in. With the dog back in I got back to my computer and sit down. I load up iTunes then Chrome and start my web browsing. Of course with coffee and waking up comes the morning constitutional. I head out to the bathroom... to find it occupied again. So I wait and try to not dance as I do. I finally get in to take my morning shit and then get back to the computer. By this time it's almost 8:30. I've been up less than an hour and my day has been interrupted so much that the day has barely started. And my coffee is getting cold. Grrr.
I settle into the computer and when I'm done there I go out to watch some television. I don't really want to watch television in the morning, but Mom gets the big screen in the afternoon/evening so it's the only time I can watch my shows. Today that was the beginning of 'The Grand Tour'. The first episode was great, and I snacked on some left over chex mix while I did. I have to eat at least a bit because one of my morning meds shouldn't be taken on an empty stomach. I start the second episode and then see Mom is laying out Lunch. Leftover turkey from Thanksgiving as sandwiches. It's 11:30. Mom normally doesn't want lunch until around 1:00 PM, so I had felt pretty good about eating the chex mix.... but now I'm not anywhere near hungry. Fuck.
So we eat lunch. I eat a sandwich that I don't want and then notice Mom looking at me. Shes not being overt about it, but she's doing it. I know that look. I almost always eat more, and if I'm not eating then (in her mind) that means I don't like her cooking. So for her I choke down another sandwich. After lunch is cleared from the table I go back out to the TV and start watching the Grand Tour again. 10 minutes later Mom makes her way out to the living room. I internally wince and pause the show so that I can turn it back to regular cable. Mom says (as she always does) that I can finish my show, but we both know I'm not going to do that. It's her TV and she wants to watch it and she doesn't want to watch what I like. She's going to flip between CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and maybe another show. She'll switch the channel at seemingly random moments for about an hour before she falls asleep for her afternoon nap. She'll either sleep for about an hour or wake up as soon as I change the channel. If I change the channel, even if it's back to one of her news programs, she'll wake up and seemingly not realize she had just been asleep... so she'll change the channel.
It's maddening. But again, and I cant' stress this enough, it's her house. If she enjoys watching TV like that, then who am I to complain about it. She does this all the time. Hell, she does it with recorded shows. Seriously... when watching a recorded TV show and it comes up to a commercial she'll pause it and then flip over to CNN/MSNBC/FOX, flip between them for about 3 minutes, then go back to the recorded show and fast forward through the commercials. It's beyond maddening as I'm use to watching almost all of my shows on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, or other non commercial services.
So back to now. Mom wants to watch TV so I abdicate the TV to her. I come back to my computer and... well just find something to do. I don't like watching TV here (the screen size is fine, but I don't like sitting in this position when watching TV). So I ended up writing this up. The TV is not going to be mine for the rest of the day. I might go out and watch TV with her later, but it won't be exactly what I want to watch, it will be stuff that she wants to watch that I can stomach. Hawaii Five O and Blue Bloods come on tonight and both of those are okay viewing. Not Humans or The Grand Tour certainly, but okay enough to watch.
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That's just today, and not even 8 full hours of the day. Meals are when Mom wants them and what Mom wants them to be. I have to help take care of a Dog that I don't want. I get to watch TV when it's available.
Now sure, just about everybody has a life like that if they're living with someone else. But I'm ready to be the master of my own household. I'm 42 and have lived alone for exactly 1 year of my life. But it's not as easy to just move out and it's not like I'm here just because of the cost savings. I've made a commitment to living with Mom so that I could be close by and help. And as long as I was living here, I've set my finances up with that in mind. My car payment is HUGE. Mom's car payment is a pretty big dent. My 'rent' to mom is a big dent. Even if I made up my mind to move out as soon as possible, I can't afford it right now.
Let's look at the financials. Yes, I'm a nerd and set up a spreadsheet for this very purpose. I looked around and saw that I could get a decent place for about $600 a month. Not great by any means, but decent. I actually found a GREAT place downtown in an old building that was spectacular. It had exposed brick, hardwood floors, newly renovated so new kitchen and bathroom, plenty of space, central AC and new heat, all for $800 a month. But the more I worked at it, the more I figured that $600 was more in line with what I could afford. In addition to the rent I'd have to pay for utilities. Water/Gas/Electricity/Garbage/Sewer... stuff like that. Different places cover different things, but I figured about $150 a month should about do it. That's more than what I was paying back in 2006.
I'd also have to pay for food. Yeah, I chip in for groceries, but it's a little here and and little there. I buy my own stuff for lunches, but I would need to cover breakfast, dinner, beverages, snacks... everything. I'm pretty bad at this part of it, but I figured a little over $100 a week should do it. I make up my spreadsheet by check and not by month, so more or less I'm budgeting $500 a month for food. Sometimes I think that's ridiculously high, but sometimes I think I may be undercutting what I'll spend.
Then there's Internet and TV. Right now I chip in $65 a month for our cable/internet/phone. I also pay $10 a month for netflix, $12 a month for Hulu, and $90 a year for Amazon. So I'd start with Internet... I wouldn't be paying for Mom's cable any longer, but the fast Internet right now would cost me $75 a month. I'd also have to add something in to get local channels. I could get Sling for between $20 and $40 a month, or a basic Cable TV package for around $40 a month. That would get me my local channels and my sports channels (ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, Big Ten Network, Fox Sports 1, ESPN News, ESPN Classic...).
I already pay renters insurance, so that shouldn't change. I currently pay $100 a month on my credit card and that would go up closer to $200 as I would need to buy a lot of stuff in short order. I have a couch, a couple chairs, some end tables, a computer desk, and a bed. I'd need a TV and entertainment center at the very least. I'd probably want to get a small dining room set and some bedroom furniture (headboard/footboard, night stand...).
As I said above, I can't afford all of that now. But if I stop paying Mom that $250 a month, if I stop paying for her car, and if I get a new car and pay at most $425 a month for it (that would be a Ford Fusion Platinum at full price), I would make out with around $200 extra a month. Now that's not a lot by any means. Especially for the way I'm living right now. Right now I'm closer to $600 a month in spending money. Enough that I don't really have to think before I buy something. I want an iPad? Buy it. I want to go to Mexico? Do it. I want to buy a new camera and lens? Buy it. I have the money in my account, so it's never been a matter of saving up for it. It's just decide to buy it and then buy it. I couldn't do that if I moved out. I'd be forced to become financially responsible again.
And I wouldn't be locked into renting. I'm fairly sure that I could get a mortgage with no down payment for a decent home. It's not all about the mortgage, but with all the extra fees and insurances, I figure $600 a month could get me an $80,000 house. There's sadly no condo that I'd want for that kind of money, but I could get a cute house. I even looked through Zillow and found one that I really like for just under $60,000. Old, but recently redone, new heat, new AC, new roof, great curb apeal, good quiet neighborhood. The $600 a month payment wouldn't be bad, but remember my student loans are paid off in 6.5 years. If I throw that $700 a month at the mortgage I could get it paid off after only 15 years... maybe less. Even if I only threw half of it at the house and spent the rest, I'd still get it down to a reasonable 20 year mortgage (which matches up with my retirement plans a lot better than 30 years!!).
So, financially I have options. But then there's Mom. Financially she'd be fine. I don't know all of her finances, but so long as I had her car paid off (which if I remember right will be paid off mid next year), she'd really be losing about $300 a month from me. R would step up and take some of that, and Mom could absorb the rest. It's the non financials that worry me there.
She's not healthy. She just isn't. We all act like she's doing okay, but really she's just not. She struggles to go shopping. She struggles to clean up the house. She struggles to cook. That nap she takes in the afternoon? It's not because she's working to hard in the morning.... she gets tired without doing anything. If she does actually go out and go shopping, or do some holiday baking then she's going to nap on and off all afternoon. Just the other day I heard her go downstairs. My ears always perk up when she goes down there becasuse she's fallen on those stairs more than once. When I heard her coming back up she was taking too long, so I went to investigate. Understand, she has trouble navigating the stairs without carrying anything.... and I found her struggling to bring the frozen 35 pound turkey up the stairs. It was big, heavy, and she was carrying it by the handles on the plastic shopping bag it was in. If that fell, she'd have broken her foot. She'd have fallen and of course that could have led to any number of injuries. And even if she didn't drop the turkey and even if she didn't fall.... it was too damned heavy for her. She was lifting it up and then putting it down on each stair.
And that's part of the problem. I'm here to help... but I'm not sure that she wants it. No... scratch that. She doesn't want it. She knew it was to heavy. She knew I was sitting out in the living room on the couch. She knew that if she asks me for something that the answer will be yes. It's never been anything BUT yes and I've told her over and over and over and over again, it will always be Yes. But she didn't ask. She didn't tell me that she needs the turkey up here... she didn't say anything. I had to find her struggling and putting herself in danger. I was angry for her putting herself in that situation.... so she got to see me angry as I grabbed the turkey and helped her up the rest of the stairs.
So I"m going through all of this stuff that doesn't make me happy (TV, the dog, meals, food, entertainment, bathroom...), so that I can be close to help Mom. Then it just makes me angry when she doesn't want the help and I get even angrier when I have to 'force' my help upon her.
So do I stay? Do I stay here and help her out however I can? Do I stay so that I can be company for her? Do I stay so that I can spend money on her instead of living out on my own?
Or do I move? Do I go out and 'start' my life at 43 (it will at the soonest be after my birthday that this would happen)? Do I leave my brother as the caretaker? Do I go and put myself in a situation where I couldn't be of further financial assistance?
I don't know. I was really hoping that writing this out would make this an easier choice. I can't talk to her about it... her answer would be for me to move out. If I show any sign that I'm not happy here she'll tell and 'show' me that I'm not needed and want me to move out and be happy. I can't talk to my older brother... I'm fairly sure he'd look at my desire to move out as a betrayal. Not moving out per-se... the desire to move out. I can't talk to my younger brother about it... he'd say my happiness is at least as important as Mom's and that moving out would be best for me.
I don't know. And it's killing me not knowing. My anger at little things is building... anger at the dog, anger at eating things I don't want when I dont' want to eat at all, anger at not having access to the bathroom or the tv. And sometimes I'm just angry for no reason. I have to make a decision...
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