My First World Problem

Phones.  I like cell phones.  My first was while I was in Chicago in 1998 and I'm fairly sure it was some variant of the Nokia 5110.  I don't remember much of it because one of the first bills I stopped paying in Chicago was my cell phone bill.  My roomie destroyed his phone and it would have been prohibitively expensive for him to buy a new one.  So since my service had been cut off, I gave him that phone and went phone-less for a long while thereafter.

Mom's in the Hospital

I'm not sure when I last talked about Mom's health, but it's taken a down turn these past few months.  And now in the past few days it's gotten quite severe again.  Let's start with a quick recap and then move forward.

Like My Job. Hate My Job.

Looking back, it seems I've been ignoring updating this blog about work.  It looks like my last real update was in June when I was thirteen nurses down.  Well, I'm very happy to say that we're nearly fully staffed!  And yet I still had some of my most stressful times this past few weeks.  It IS related, but damn, why does it feel like I get rested up on Vacation only to come back and have the stress backed up and waiting to catch me right back up!

Giving Thanks

Just a short Thanksgiving post.  I'm so thankful for this Thanksgiving.  I don't intend to give a long history or even a long explanation for how this holiday was better, but I feel that I have to just at least write this down while I'm still full of the happy and joyous feeling.

Writing Out a Story

If it's not obvious from the hundreds of caps, obscuras, and tiny stories I've written, I like to write.  I like to get lost in a story and let it flow out of me.  I have two problems with my writing:

First, I start a story with only the mildest of ideas where its going to start, where its going to go, or where its going to end.  Sometimes those stories fall apart but most of the time they end up far longer than I intended.  Too long for a cap and realistically too long for the osbcura I planned with only one picture.

Second, I get a grand idea.  I set up in my head where its going to start, where its going to go and at least an idea of where its going to end.  I set up characters, give them backgrounds that may or may not be used, set up a world they exist in with its own rules and regulations, and.... and then lose it before I ever write down any actual story. 

Love/Hate

I started writing this with no idea what all I was going to talk about.   I normally have an idea when I start a post and even have an idea of what I'm going to title the post plus what kind of image I want to use.  But as I started writing I knew I wanted to update you on my brother B's situation, let you know about my trip to Dallas and San Fran, tell you about talking to my friends A and E about my Queerness, and even talk about Nina on the road.  I just didn't realize that almost everything I was going to touch on would involve Love and Hate.  I Love my brother and hate his situation.  I Love my other brother while at the same time Hating him.  I Love driving and Hate that Nina isn't as comfortable.  I Love San Fran's liberal status, but Hate that they can't take care of their problems.  I Love flying.  So... let's go with Love/Hate.

The D Word

I've never personally known a couple that's gotten a divorce.  Neither of my grandparents divorced.  My parents didn't divorce.  My brother and his wife didn't divorce.  None of my friends got divorces while I knew them... although several have gone through it before I knew them.   I think that trend is going to end sooner rather than later.

Gotta Get Away

I don't think I ever truly realized just how restorative a vacation can be until now.  As a child it was just a time to get away and experience new things.  Those new things might just be seeing the road go by from the backseat of the family station wagon, but it was new road going by.  As a kid, my family always took a vacation.  Similar to the 'tick tock' upgrade cycle of the iPhones, every other year would be a 'big' vacation (think Disney World or California or New York City), and in between it would be smaller vacations like Cedar Point or the Upper Peninsula.  I really can't call it restorative at that age, however, as at that age I had like zero stress.  I'm not saying children can't have stress, but I was in good health, my family was in good health, my family loved each other, and my parents were still married.

House, Car, and Health updates

This will be a short post.  Just an update on several things that have been on my mind.

A Car Hit My House!

I normally start with the long story and then give you a TLDR but…. A car hit my house last week and now it’s all kinds of fucked up. 

Happy Labor Day!

I’m probably a bad manager.  Not because I don’t strive to make my nurses happy and not because I don’t honestly listen to them and try to either educate them on issues or improve their situations as I do both of those things.  But man, I’m a fan of unions. 

Music, Mustang, My Friends, and Me

I wanted to catch up on a few things and ended up focusing on getting music into Nina, Nina herself, a planned trip with some friends to San Fran, me not being at D+X, and a few other small things.  So, basically just a catch up thread with a cool header graphic!

Nina Sings!

So I bought a new car.  While searching for my car I also test drove a Mustang GT that has every option I wanted out of the Ecoboost.  The drive at one point, however, scared the living shit out of me so I decided not to buy it. Lemme tell you how Isabella, my lovely classy 2017 Ford Fusion Platinum has been returned to Ford and I replaced her.  What I ended up replacing her with was... unexpected.  She wasn't any of the choices I've listed before.   It all started, as most of my car searches do, with boredom.

I got inked

Just a short post here as I wanted to share the fact that I finally did it.  I now have a tattoo that isn't a test of me getting a tattoo or a drunken adventure.  I mentioned way back here in June of last year that I wanted to get a tattoo.  That was when I got a 'test' tattoo of a camera aperture (Aperture Science!) on my chest.

Decisions Decisions

There are so many decisions that sometimes I obsess over them, even though they're not all that important and don't really effect anything.  Sometimes my eyes cross when I look at all the options and realize that no decision is right and waiting is the best answer.  Sometimes I completely gloss over them, even though they're important and impact more than just me.  Sometimes I try to just get it over with and still get sucked down into a soul sucking void full of nothing but wrong turns and hurtful choices.  Yup... cars (colors), friends (romance?),  politics (early front-runners),  and work (screwing over my co-workers).  A normal day of decision making in the strange and wonderful world of my head.

Define Me

One of the best things about having this blog is that I get to not only have a conversation with 'you' but with myself.  I get to think a full thought through where otherwise it's just a fragment in my head that I can nod along with.  For example, for the longest time I referred to Caitlyn as if she were a separate part of me.  An entity in my head that was distinctly NOT me.  Then after writing it out I started talking about her as my feminine side.  I accepted her as a part of me.  And now, more recently, I feel comfortable simply talking about my feminine side.  I don't have a specific part of me that's feminine... I simply have a feminine aspect that waxes and wanes.  Calling that part of me by any name, let alone Caitlyn, feels out of date but I'm going to just go with it for now.

13 Months Out

It's time to talk cars.  Back on June 3, 2017 I bought Isabella.  She wasn't my ideal choice.  She was the best choice I had at that time to get into a lease, tie up the extra money I was carrying over from Fiona and Ginger, and after a three year lease, end up with a zero balance.  It's now a couple days from two years later and I'm looking down the barrel of my three year lease and I want to be ready for my next car purchase.  I know... I still have a year and it's ridiculous to start car shopping this early.  Well, if you've been keeping up with me you'll know two things;  1) I started car shopping on June 3, 2017 and 2) I over plan everything!

Caitlyn; comfortable in my own skin

This is a continuation of my Spring Renewal post.  I initially wanted it to be the same, as a single read through, but I think this deserves to be pulled out and added on it's own.  I think all of you followed me initially from Caitlyn's Masks, so I figured this would be of particular interest.  If you want to read through the entirety of my thought process, how I'm coming out of my winter funk and the other things that I'm doing to change and evolve, you're welcome to read Spring Renewal.  But you don't have to read it to get what I'm saying here.

Spring Renewal

Spring is in the air.  Change is in the air.  I can feel myself coming out of a funk that winter always gives me.  Don't get me wrong, I adore winter... the beautiful white snow, the crisp cold air, driving on slick roads, having storms where you don't worry about tornadoes or drenching rain... but it's almost always gotten me down.

But this year I have several 'changes' in progress that are different.  I'm not simply coming out of a funky mental/creative slumber.  I'm making changes to my life.  Lemme put these into the two categories of purposeful changes and unconscious changes.  The purposeful changes including ending my toxic friendship, taking on a more 'leader' role at work instead of just a supervisory role, accepting who Caitlyn is in my life.  The unconscious changes include just being more comfortable in my own skin, and listening to my gut and moving on its instincts.

Toxic Friendship

I can't believe it's been almost three and a half months since I last posted here.  Well, no matter.  Life went on and life goes on.  And today I did something I don't believe I've ever done before.  Get rid of a friend.  I'm fairly sure I've mentioned that I don't have many friends... while writing this I looked back at the blog and saw my last post tagged as 'friends' and it's a post worth re-reading.  It's the one titled 'Friends' and it's about a trip to Grand Rapids with my friend An.

I say it's worth re-reading because I just ended my friendship with An.