Migraines
I'm still experiencing the dizziness from the Namenda but I haven't experienced any objective improvement in my migraines.
I have to say that my predictions of my moods are good. It's been about a year since I've acknowledge how bad the migraines have gotten and I'm... I'm almost done. I can't deal with this any longer. I have two states now; In Migraine, Waiting for Migraine. Both are maddening. During the migraine I understand that I can't do anything. I'm not 'me' during this time. I can't count how many times I've sat down for lunch with mom and R during a migraine and just been an empty chair. They talk and discuss things, things that I could join in on, but I just sit there eating and waiting for lunch to be done.
Speaking of waiting, my days have become all about waiting. I wake up and do my morning routine including reading email, social media, and NYT games, but honestly I'm just waiting for lunch. After lunch I have the most variety as I'll try to write or watch YouTube videos or put on an old movie if I can't think clearly, but honestly I'm just waiting for dinner. After dinner I'm generally watching something. An ongoing TV series (currently Suits) or a set of movies (I recently re-watched Blade), but I'm just waiting for bedtime. When I have a migraine I'm waiting for it to end and when I don't have a migraine I'm waiting for one to start.
Looking forward to things has always been a big part of my life. Looking forward to hanging out with friends or looking forward to playing D&D with my nephews or looking forward to holidays or looking forward to a change at work. But I'm only looking forward to these migraines getting under control now. I more or less proved on my last vacation that I can enjoy time away from home but it's also a terrible time and I'm not sure I want to do it again. If A & E come up with a plan for a vacation for all of us I'll probably go along, but I know I'll be a drag on their time. Oh sure, they'll say they want to hang out with me and even if that time is diminished because of my migraines, it would still be worth it... but I'd still feel guilty for ruining their vacation.
I'm not at the point where I want to die. Yet. But if I were to be diagnosed with a deadly disease or condition, I'd welcome it. I'd welcome the end. I think at this point, if I were diagnosed with cancer and given two choices, treatment and a good chance of a long life or no treatment and dying within a year or so, I'd probably pick no treatment. Just end it.
I predict that it will be less than a year from now when this mood will shift to the end state. Where I won't simply hope for it to end, I'll want to end it.
Other Health
The pillow situation is done. Pulling out more of the memory foam didn't help and my neck started to hurt more and more each day. A week ago I flipped back to my old pillow and the neck pain has gone away. I need to find out who made that pillow and buy a new one as it's about a decade old, but I'm just being lazy.
Finances
I finally got word from the social security administration that they've denied my disability claim. Why is this in finances? Because my LTD demands that I not only apply for social security disability, but that I also appeal any denial. I appealed online yesterday and I'm absolutely sure it will go nowhere. I have no new information and the whole appeal comes down to the section of 'Any Additional Information' where I say the brain fog makes it so that I can't work an average of 4 days out of every week and there is no job that I could have that would hire me with that limitation. I even pointed to my neurologists notes where it's mentioned. BUT, that was already there. So, basically, my appeal is "Nuh-Uh!!!"
I have no idea how long this denial will take but I have to appeal that one too. I only have another year of LTD left but I gotta keep playing their game if I'm going to get my bills paid.
Family/Friends
Mom was feeling under the weather the other day. Nothing huge, but it's a reminder that she can be taken out by something as simple as a cold. I was worried as she was feeling nauseous and there was a recent national news story about a listeria outbreak from Boar's Head deli meats. We often get a local grocery's store deli meats, but it made me wonder... does our local grocery store outsource their deli meat from Boar's Head? I mean, listeria sucks as a disease but most people pull through it just fine. Only those with compromised systems are in real danger. Like mom.
Entertainment
I'm still mainly watching Suits and enjoying it. I'm halfway through the 6th season and am wondering where the series will go. The characters are getting a little grating by not changing over time.
I also fell into a kind of movie watching binge. In July I bought nine movies. That's in addition to the six or so that I watched on streaming services. I bought and watched the Patriot (with Mel Gibson) on Independence Day. As soon as part three came out, I bought and watched all of the DC animated movies 'Justice League: Crisis On Infinite Earths'. All three were really enjoyable. After going to the theater to watch Deadpool vs Wolverine (spoiler alert) that had Wesley Snipes playing Blade, I bought and watched all of the three Blade movies. And honestly, they really hold up. Blade and Blade II in particular are good movies. Blade Trinity is... well, Wesley Snipes is good in it! I then watched two Football movies as it's getting near the beginning of college football season (The Replacements with Keanu Reeves and Any Given Sunday with Al Pacino).
My brother also bought Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes and I think I'll soon watch all of the recent Planet of the Apes movies.
I also recently bought the game Hell Divers II. I mainly got it to play online with my brother and my nephews. It's a great fun over the top game but I fell into the same problem that I do with online games. I don't play them as much as those I'm playing with. My nephews are level 20, my brother is level 15, and I'm level 5. I can play with them and I gain levels fairly quickly, but I'm the dead weight making it hard for them. That's only so much fun for so long. I think I'm done with the game.
I have another game that I got last night, but I'll talk about that below in a special section.
New Tech
I hate to say it, but I've all but given up on my Nintendo Switch. I don't think I've played it for three weeks now. It's not that it's not fun, it's just that there's always something MORE fun out there to do. Or I'm so 'out of it' with brain fog that I can't concentrate on the games I have for it. The original purpose of getting it was the time wasting game Farm Land but I beat that and now it looks like it will be a $400 vanity project just to play that one game.
It's not really 'new' but my computer is on my mind lately. There's been a lot of problems with the high end Intel 13th and 14th gen chips. Specifically the 14900k that I have in mine. They get too much voltage and burn out. With my previous builds (mine, Origin, NZXT Bld...) I'd have overclocked the processor or at the very least, let the motherboard overclock it for me. This time around though, even though I have the biggest mamma jamma processor, I also have it in a tiny case where it can't afford to get hot. Falcon Northwest paired it up with a motherboard that doesn't allow overclocking and I was fine with it, figuring it was already so damned fast that I didn't need to stretch it any further. Well, it turns out that that might have saved my processor. I've already gone through one bios update directed by Falcon Northwest and I imagine after Intel comes out with a more permanent fix in a couple weeks, I'll go through another. But I still feel comfortable with mine simply because it CAN'T overclock itself.
Writing
The last word on It's A Man's World. I got a total of 5 comments on Fictionmania. That's disappointing. It also wasn't read all that much. The second part only has 1600 reads as of today (It's been up for three weeks now). The comments were all good, but 5 good comments are ironically overpowered by the silent majority that isn't saying a thing. Not "This is bad" or "This is good"... just a big dump trunk full of 'Meh, not worth commenting on'.
I'll take it that the story is the problem and not my writing as I've picked up the next part of Gamer Gurl and it's going over well. Not as many comments as I'd like, but it's being read well and 'liked' quite a bit.
Two things have come up. I'm still in the first third of the story and am in the last bit of that arc. I basically have three scenes; a devotional involving Sadie performing a hand and blow job on dildos, a costume party where she'll be forced to kiss and make out with Louis in order to avoid Todd, and the culminating trip with Marley.
I have it in my notes that the scene with Marley will end up being Sadie giving him a handjob, Marley finger banging Sadie's ass, and Marley cumming all over Sadie's face. I'm having two thoughts on that scene though. One, I'd like to enhance it and add something that will echo through the rest of the story. Sarah and Todd both telling Sadie to "Be all the girl she can/wants to be" in their own way, and then Marley will be echoing that sentiment, gently telling her to explore her sexuality with him, to 'be all the girl she can be' while she's jacking him off. I think that will take the emotional impact up from a good 9 to an amazing 12.
But I'm also conflicted on keeping it a handjob/facial. I kind of want Sadie's 'first time' to be giving head to Marley. I don't know. When I sit down and think about it, like I am now, I think the overall story will be better with a 'tease' sex scene with Marley. Something that's not sex, that Sadie/Nick can hold her/his head up high on "I haven't had sex with another man". And then the sex with Todd, whether it's a BJ or anal, will impact that much harder as he not only rapes her but he's taken her over that Rubicon line that she can't ever uncross. BUT, when I'm not thinking about it directly and just imagining the scene, I picture Sadie taking Marley in her mouth semi voluntarily and I just swoon.
Now if I could just get into writing more consistently. Part of that inconsistency is me just being pre-occupied by other things and part of it is the migraines.
Marvel Cinematic Universe
I'm not sure if I've talked about this on this blog before or not. But it's been bothering me for some time. Lemme start by saying I'm a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The MCU. I think beginning with Iron man and through Avengers Infinity War and Avengers Endgame, that they've done a good job of telling a good story set in a complex world of superheroes.
I didn't love all of them. For example I didn't like Thor in Phase 1, Thor 2 or Ant Man in Phase 2, Doctor Strange, Ant Man 2, or Spider Man 2, from Phase 3. But I liked all the characters and the general direction of the movies.
But while I absolutely adore Avengers Infinity War and Avengers End Game, I think they really screwed the pooch with them story wise. Having the blip, destroying half of the population, and then not bringing them back for five years is BRILLIANT! It can lead to SO much story telling. But them going back in time to steal the Infinity Stones, them meeting a second Nebula and a second Gamora.... that opened the gate to story not mattering.
For example, at the end of Endgame, Tony Stark is dead. He's sacrificed himself for the good of everybody. And Steve Rogers has decided to stay back in the past and have a life with Peggy and is now an old man having to give up the mantle of Captain America. And of course poor Black Widow is dead, sacrificing herself for the Soul Stone. But with the multiverse and time travel, they can all come back.
And then there's the movies and stories themselves. Phase 4 officially has 7 movies in it but where I disliked 1 or 2 of 7 or so films in previous phases, I only liked one film in Phase 4. Plus there's so much on Disney + now. I liked WandaVision, but hated that I had to watch a 9 hour-long episode series to fully understand what happened in Dr. Strange 2. I hated that I had to watch both seasons of Loki to really understand Deadpool vs Wolverine. I hate that I assume have to watch The Falcon and the Winter Soldier to enjoy Captain America 4. It's one thing to have to watch the 14 previous movies as that's 30+ hours of content. But that's also spread out over 16 years. Just the series I've mentioned in this paragraph is 27 hours of content over three years and it doesn't include Hawkeye, She-Hulk, Secret Invasion, Echo, Ms Marvel, or Moon Knight.
With all that said, I was a fan of the MCU and I consumed almost all of their content. But I've done some tests recently. I specifically didn't watch the second season of Loki before watching Deadpool Vs Wolverine. So far as I can tell, I didn't miss anything. BUT, the time in the TVA made it clear that I'd have missed something if I hadn't seen either season of the show. I also made no big effort to watch Black Panther 2, where I'd normally either see it in the theater or catch it on the first day it's available on digital download. Instead, I waited until it was streamable on Disney + and don't have it in my digital movie collection at all.
And now in recent movies, they seem to be bringing in characters from other universes just to have them be cool for a couple scenes. I'm thinking of Dr. X, Captain Carter, Captain Marvel and Reed Richards in Doctor Strange 2 and Blade, Gambit, and Elektra in Deadpool V Wolverine. Wolverine himself is from 'another universe' and shouldn't exist where and how he is. But all the others were from other universes too.
I don't plan to watch any more MCU Disney Plus series except for Dare Devil. I liked the Netflix series and this looks like a continuation of that. But I'm not going to watch Agatha All Along or Eyes of Wakanda, or Iron Heart. And I'll pick and choose which movies to watch. I'm a huge Captain America fan so I'll watch Captain America Brave New World. I don't know about Thunderbolts as I'm a fan of the Winter Soldier, but really don't care for the rest of the characters. I'll watch Fantastic Four as I adore their story and Pedro Pascal, but I'll have to hear great things or see a great trailer to watch Blade.
I'm a Star Trek Fan and will watch any movie they put in theaters without thinking. I'll watch any live action show they put on television without thinking. There have certainly been some busts, but I like the universe as a whole and even the stuff that breaks the universe like the genesis device and time travel is used sparingly or just written out. I'm a fan of Star Wars and will watch any movie they put in theaters and just about any live action show they put on television without pause. The same thing as Star Trek, in that I don't love everything in universe, but they're good and they've earned my viewership. MCU used to be the same, but it just isn't any more.
Erotic Updates
I find porn in many different places in many different media formats. I wrote a whole post about paying for porn, meaning videos/films. But I use twitter and tumblr and other sites to catch drawings and artists and short videos too. Especially when they're animated (hand drawn or computer generated), they can scratch itches that otherwise can't get scratched. For example, a couple years ago I came across an animated short of a fantasy character getting sucked into a Mimic in the form of a chest. It's by the artist Ena Lagrange:
I still remember the first time I saw that video. It was like a gut punch as it hit on SO many kinks. D&D style fantasy with the chest, tentacle porn, video games with the whole press button animation to 'Eject Maneuver' and all the little effects falling on the side ( +Blindfold, +Aphrodisiac, +Anal Tentacle), and even something I didn't know I had as a fetish before, oviposition or the injection/insertion of eggs.
Two years later and I still love that video and find it very erotic. Ever since getting it in my collection, I've followed the path of adding much of what Ena Lagrange has put out as well as adding all manner of game/tentacle/oviposition porn.
I mention this and bring up this specific example because I came across another video that might be sending me on another bender. I'll be honest, I don't remember where I first saw it. I'm fairly sure it was on Twitter though. It's a quick 'Game Over' porn video by Moogan:
Like a lot of erotica and porn in general, many of my fetishes have to be shoe horned in to align with generated erotica. For example, in the first 'Mimic' example, I picture that person as a cross dresser. A guy getting caught up in a mimic that doesn't see him that way and treats him as he was dressed... as a woman. That's why that first tentacle was an anal one and in my mind, the second one was also anal, injecting the eggs into his belly. Well, this one, the Game Over video here, doesn't need much shoe horning. It's a female fighting character with a big cock that gets shoved into 'your' mouth. You see/feel it move in and out a few times, then witness it go off as you hear 'yourself' choke on the cum.
I don't remember what game it was. Street Fighter, Dead or Alive, Tekken, Mortal Kombat... but when you lost to one of the girl characters, she would giggle at the screen as it counted down. I remember seeing guys get really upset at that and put in another quarter even though they knew they were going to get beat as it was just humiliating to have that character laugh at them like that. Now imagine that feeling if when you lose, the other character drops her cock into your mouth and drowns you in cum. Yeah, I'd imagine you'd have a lot of people putting more quarters in the machine (And a lot of other people losing on purpose!)
That video enamored me enough that I went searching for 'Game Over' porn. And let me tell you, finding a good Rule34 site has helped my search for random drawn/animated porn so MUCH. Want Star Wars porn? You got it! Want Han Solo specific Star Wars porn? It's there. Want female Han Solo porn? Yup, it's there too. So finding out that there's a whole category for Video Games and a specific 'Game Over' category, wasn't a big surprise.
There wasn't much of what I was actually looking for... game over scenes like the one above... but I did find actual scenes from erotic games including this one:
I enjoyed it enough that I looked up the actual game. It's called Future Fragments and it's surprising available on Steam! That tells me that it's at least a decent game. I don't mean that the content is actually good, that's still a mystery, but generally when you find erotic games they're just crap. They're a way to hit buttons between bits of 8 bit porn.
Well, I found plenty of video bits from Future Fragments that looked interesting and I finally took the dive and bought it. It's a good mix between game and erotica. I.e. the erotica is good enough that I want to 'get caught' to experience it, but the gameplay is good enough that I don't want to waste the game and just lose on purpose.
And to be honest, that was all of yesterday. I bought it and started to play it just after lunch and didn't stop until after midnight. And I'm only about halfway through the game. I have no expectation to stop playing today, so unfortunately that means writing Gamer Gurl goes on the back burner!
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