Migraines
Since I wrote the last update two weeks ago, I've had a single non migraine day. Just as a reminder, migraine days are days affected by a migraine. Since I always have a very bad headache the day after a migraine, any migraine is automatically going to be two days. In this instance I had two migraines in the past two weeks (it sounds so idyllic when put that way, right?). They lasted five and six days, each with a postdrome headache. If today goes well, it will be a second non-migraine day but I'm not hopeful. I already have the headache portion going. It's a dim day outside so it's hard to judge the light sensitivity and as it's morning it's been quiet and hard to judge the sound sensitivity. Thinking is... muddled. I've been up for two hours and the normal 'morning' befuddlement should have cleared by now. So... maybe a mild migraine day today?
A couple days ago I hung out with my younger brother B. I'll talk more about why down below, but we ended up chatting until almost three in the morning. By the time I got home, had a bite to eat, and calmed down, it was four in the morning. I normally wouldn't have even tried to hang out as it was a migraine day. As expected, hanging out was difficult and painful and I'm fairly sure it extended the migraine another day. Whether that was from pushing myself with a migraine or totally screwing my sleep schedule, I don't know.
And as I am writing this, I finally got a call back from a chiropractor. I've had several people tell me that I should see a chiropractor for my migraines. I'm not sure if I discussed my opinions on chiropractors or not, so I should probably cover that, but I'll do it below. My neighbor's chiropractor impressed me when he told him that he could no longer care for him. He'd taken X-Rays when he went in for a bad neck (his neck was painfully cocked to one side and he wanted an 'adjustment' to fix it). The chiropractor gave him the adjustment and then gave him the x-rays, telling him to go see a doctor as he was in need of more serious care. I don't have much history with individual chiropractors but hearing that this one knew the extent of his practice impressed me. So, I decided to schedule an appointment.
I'm trying to keep an open mind, but so far this chiropractor's office hasn't impressed me. They have a basic website that has their phone number, email, and a contact form. I wanted to speak to somebody so I gave them a call first. The phone picked up and said I could press 1 to get to the receptionists desk or 2 to leave my name and number. I hit 1 and..... nothing. It was just an open line for a solid minute. Finally it came back and repeated the same message. 1 for the desk, 2 to leave a name and number. I hung up and used their contact form, giving them my name, phone number, email, and reason for contacting them (wanting an initial new patient consultation due to frequent and severe migraines). This was all late in the morning on a Thursday. I saw that their office closed for lunch between 1 and 3 in the afternoon (a 2 hour lunch!?) so I expected a call back between 3 and 5.
Nothing.
The following morning at 11, while I was out picking up groceries, I got a text from them. It said they couldn't leave a message on my phone, so they texted instead and prompted me to call them back. It's strange as I didn't receive any notice of a missed call. Using Google Fi, if I have my phone totally off and someone calls, it will obviously go to voice mail. Even if they don't leave a message, I'll get a notice of a received call when I turn the phone back on. My phone, in this instance, was on the entire time. I don't have any notice of a missed call. I'm immediately suspicious. But hey, benefit of the doubt, right? Maybe they misdialed and got someone elses number (they obviously had the correct number though as they successfully texted me).
I called them back when I got the chance at a little after noon. I again chose to go to the receptionists desk, but this time it came up that they couldn't take the call and to leave a message. I left them a message describing everything and..... nothing. No call back that day.
Frankly, I was done. If they didn't contact me back, I'd make no more effort to become their patient and give them money. And I'd end my attempt to get a chiropractor as I still think most of them are quacks. BUT, their receptionist called me back this morning. She said they leave the office at 1 in the afternoon on Fridays and actually left a little early the other day. She scheduled me an appointment for tomorrow but couldn't find my insurance in her system and requested I take a picture of my insurance card and ID and email it to them. She said the email was on their website (which it was) and even gave me a second email address. As I'd rather copy/paste an email address when I'm sending something as private as my insurance and identification cards, I went with what they had on their website.
Again, my 'sus' meter is pinging the high end. I know there is a lot of insurance companies out there, but my insurance is as a state employee. I'm with the largest insurance group in the state and their largest customer (state employees). I'd be like looking up a car and not being able to find a Ford F150. It's only the most common vehicle out there. And then, as I'm writing this, I got a response back. It was from the chiropractor himself, acknowledging receipt of the photos.
I didn't hesitate to send these vitally private documents to this place of business as they're a medical practice and are under the same HIPPA laws that I am as a nurse. They have to respect the privacy of my insurance and identity. So why then did the doctor's response include "Sent from my iPhone"?
DO YOU HAVE MY FUCKING INSURANCE AND DRIVERS LICENCE ON YOUR FUCKING IPHONE!!!!!!
I hate chiropractors. I highly HIGHLY doubt that I'm going to have a good experience. But just as I can say that I don't like iPhones only because I used an iPhone for a year and I can say I don't like chromebooks after using one for a year, I can't honestly say I don't like chiropractors without using one. Maybe in a week or so, I'll be able to say 'I hate chiropractors' with confidence.
Other Health
I'm still tapering up on the Namenda. One of the listed possible side effects is constipation. I've been on meds that have affected my bowel habit before, but they used to go the other way giving me loose stool (close to diarrhea). I didn't pay much mind to this possible side effect as many meds will list it. Basically, any med you take orally has possible digestive effects.
Well, it seems this one is serious. Everybody has a 'normal' bowel habit for themselves. Mine is to go once a day in the morning. It's almost clockwork. When I miss a day, the next day is harder. When I have to go a second time in a day, it's loose. Since I've stopped working, my habit has slowed down a bit. I now go either every day or every other day. It's easy to chalk that up to the fact that I just don't move around all that much any more. No moving leads to no motility. But since I've been taking this med, it's seriously slowed down to every other day. On top of that it's harder to go once I DO go.
I certainly hope this clears up. If it gets bad enough there are meds that can help, but damnit, I've been a nurse to patients that are on meds that cause constipation and then have to take meds to deal with it and it's never good. There never is a perfect balance between making them constipated and making it easier to go. You either don't go or you go ALOT.
Finances
Still no word from my long term disability company so no change here.
Family/Friends
My younger brother B is still loving his car. He got his plug fixed in his garage and was finally able to plug his car in. Sadly, it looks like he found something wrong with the car. It charges just fine, but there is a ring of LEDs around the charge port that shows the charging and battery status when you hit the unlock button or have the charger plugged in. The lights don't work on B's car.
But with him getting a charge, it meant he could drive it in electric mode. He was planning on going out to Doordash as he does on his days off from work (doing so pays for all his gas and gives him some extra pocket money). I'd been curious about how his car was going to go electrically and was also curious about doordashing myself (if I'm not going to get LTD, I might have to do doordashing myself in the future). So, even though I had a pretty major migraine, I went with him.
My impression of the car running electronically is that it's hard to notice. It didn't have much range and the car's setting was in 'auto' meaning it would decide when to use electric mode and when to use the internal combustion engine (ICE). But I think that impression is good. Neither I nor B could tell when the car was running electrically meaning it wasn't harsher or having less power. And when it slipped between modes, it was seamless. He'll have to drive it for a week or so and see how it affects his gas milage, plus he'll have to use it for a month or so and see how it affects his electric bill, but I think he's going to have a good savings.
Dashing was... rough. It was a good dashing day for B, but I tried to keep up with what he was going and just couldn't do it. It was dark so my only major problem was oncoming cars with bright lights, but otherwise I just had the bad headache, a little brain fog, and blurry vision. The blurry vision was the primary reason I know I couldn't dash with a migraine. There's no way I could see the addresses of my destination. If I were to dash, I'd have to do it on days without a migraine, leaving me one or two days every couple weeks. That's not a lot of money. Certainly not a job's worth.
When we were done dashing we went into his home and chatted. He may be the youngest brother, but as he lives apart from Mom, R, and me, he's the middleman between me and R. I've mentioned before the problems I have with R. I think it's safe to assume R would have problems with me. B confirmed that we are coming at Mom's care from different ideas and that R is upset that I'm not with him.
B asked me about money and I told him what I laid out on my last update. That I know I could get to late 2025 on what I currently have and if the LTD gives me just the $9,000. I also included the end of that, saying that if I get to that point, it's not really worth considering where more money will come from as I won't be able to stand more of this. Maybe it was the brain fog, but B caught the fact that I more or less declared suicidal intent. Sure, it's suicidal intent more than a year in advance... but suicide is suicide. I can't blame him for being worried and honestly he took the right tract in talking to me about it. I didn't hold back while making sure to reassure him where I could. Like the fact that I've given up my guns and don't have an easy path to suicide right now. The fact that I don't want to die right now and don't have a plan. But I also didn't hold back and told him that at that point I'd even acknowledge that suicide doesn't hurt the person who does it, just the people around them. I know I'd be hurting those around me. But I also believe that those that love me wouldn't want me to continue to suffer through this. Anyway, I'm sure he's going to be worried from here on out.
After having that heart to heart conversation, I just made the decision to tell him more. I sat B down and told him that I'm gender queer. Like with my friends A and E, I told him that it affects nothing as my gender identity didn't affect him before. Therefore it changing doesn't affect him. B was very supportive if a little confused on the subject. As I suspected though, he didn't have a problem with it and understood my desire for neither Mom nor R to know about it. Neither of us think this would do anything to make Mom happy and might confuse or even upset her. She doesn't have long, so why add anything that's not happiness and light into her life? And R... well, he's showing more and more that he's a bigot, and I frankly am afraid that would become MORE overt. It's sad for me to say this about my own brother, but I don't know if he'd be open to my gender identity, let alone supportive of it. So, he doesn't get to know.
Entertainment
I'd talked a bit about headsets earlier this year. Well, the headset I got for the TV was bad enough that I was avoiding watching shows on the TV just because it meant I'd have to use that headset.
A quick update on why this matters. If I watch stuff through Netflix, Amazon Prime Video, Vudu, Max (HBO), Disney+, Paramount+, Hulu, Peacock, Apple TV+ or any other service I can stream them through the web on the computer or I can stream them through my TV (actually I used an Nvidia Shield streaming device, but we'll just say the TV for ease). I guess all streaming services hate computers as they limit their quality. They all have their own standards, but at BEST they'll let me have HD (720p more often than 1080p). I don't think any of them let you stream a movie in 4K UHD on the computer even though its easily capable of it. No problem, that's why I have the TV to stream from. I can stream through any of those services in glorious 4K UHD quality when it's available. And even when they can only deliver in 1080p or lower, the TV upscales it to 4K beautifully.
Before, when I had the one headset for both the TV and the computer, it was fine. But now that the headset for the computer is comfy while the headset for the TV actually gets uncomfortable after less than an hour (and actually hurts after about two hours), it's very problematic. It's even starting to affect what I watch. When I choose to watch 'The Expanse' (the Sci-Fi/Amazon Prime show), it was only HD to begin with. Amazon will stream it in HD on the computer and it's fine. But when I choose to watch Wonka on Max, it will look like shit on the computer streaming in 720p or less when it's available in glorious 4K UHD on the TV. But the headset says to avoid the TV and just watch it on the computer.
Well, no more. I'm stuck here with nothing to do but watch a LOT of shows, so limiting myself this way is a pain. I'd searched and searched for the best quality headset I could get. I wanted it to be wireless and to use an optical connection so that it would have the best sound. Well, I couldn't find a comfortable headset that would do that. If I changed those criteria... accept that I could use the standard audio out and have a cable... why not just use the same headset I have for the computer?
Now, I can't get the SAME headset as the headset I have for the computer is the Razer BlackShark V2 Pro. It's a 2.4 GHz USB dongle wireless headset. But thankfully Razer just loves having dozens of versions of every product they make and they make a Razer BlackShark V2 that's the same headset without the wireless feature. The microphone still unplugs (important as I really don't have a mic in front of my mouth while I'm just watching TV) and it still has the same cushy ear pieces. It's even supposed to sound very similar but that's hard to match as with the wireless dongle the headset is the audio device where with an audio wired connection the audio device is the computer (or in this instance, the TV).
So, after a lot of thought, I decided on that. The only thing I wanted was to have it be a different color so that I could easily identify if it was the TV headset or the Computer headset. Again, thank you Razer for making everything in multiple colors. I did some comparative shopping and found that both Best Buy and Amazon had the headset for the same price, but only Amazon had it in green. It's funny, if I were to set this up from the get-go as two of the 'same' headsets, I'd have had the computer be the 'gamery' green and the TV be the standard black. But oh well.
When the headset arrived I pulled it out, plugged it into the TV, confirmed it worked and then got rid of my old headset. The problem arose (because of COURSE there'd be a problem!) when I tried to remove the microphone. It wasn't removable. I double checked the box and saw that I had the Razer BlackShark V2 X. And yes, that 'X' makes a big difference. I have no idea why, but the X version doesn't have a removable mic. I double checked the order and saw that they didn't send it to me by mistake. It's what I'd put in my shopping cart by mistake.
I could return it and buy the right one, but as I looked I noticed the 'right' one actually had a built in soundcard and I started to wonder how that'd work with the TV. It cost a bit more and wasn't available in anything but black. But having the mic sit in front of my mouth was unacceptable.
So I grabbed a pair of wirecutters and cut the microphone off. It left some sharp wires, so I covered those up with some black duct tape.
It looks janky as all get out. But it works wonderfully. Since I got the headset last week, I've been watching more of my entertainment on the TV as opposed to the computer again.
New Tech
I guess I could have talked about the headset here, but oh well.
I decided I don't like the chromebook. It's fine, but it doesn't use the Microsoft Office suite and I really like using those. Plus it's just.... different. It's not better or worse, it's just different. I bought a really good chromebook with stats good enough to run Windows so I looked at what it would take to format the drive and just install windows.
Yeah, no.
Getting the drivers for the audio, track pad, and touchscreen is an absolute nightmare. Not even mentioning how bad it is to change the bootloader to even allow windows. And a cheap equivalent windows laptop is.... fuck, about $1000.
Now I remember why I got a chromebook to begin with. Before I'd just say 'screw it' and get the laptop. But now, that's not the case and I'll just keep using the chromebook. Maybe, MAYBE, if I get the LTD spigot running again I'll consider it.
Writing
I'll have an entire post on writing after this.
Windows
In my last update I talked about how I did the format/re-install of Windows. The system is running well again. Well, for the most part.
On my last AMD system I had this strange issue. My wallpapers are a slideshow of about 50 images. But when I go to a second desktop (my 'Caitlyn' workspace) it switches it back to a single image. Getting this Intel system seemed to fix it and I chalked the problem up to AMD. But now, after the re-install, that issue is back. I don't get it as this didn't happen before the format/re-install.
I'm also having a strange issue with MS Word. Obviously this is really annoying as I use Word to write my stories out. As I'm writing, it will glitch and either screw up the word I'm currently typing or sometimes even screw up the entire line I'm working on. I'm talking about screwing it up so that it's showing a letter that I just deleted, or not showing the last few letters I wrote.
I can fix it by moving the cursor around or at worst, highlighting the text and then clicking off of it with the mouse. But I shouldn't have to do those things and it wasn't doing them before the format/reinstall.
The earlier problem is... well, it's problematic and I've searched for a solution before without resolving it. I'm just going to ignore it and accept that I have to go into personalization settings and switch it back to a slideshow every time I go to this second desktop (by the way, it remembers that, but forgets it on each boot).
As for the latter problem, I think I'll try first updating Office and hope it was just a bad update. If that doesn't work, or there aren't any updates, I'll uninstall Office and re-install it. And then I'll cry if it doesn't fix it as my big bad super PC is just as quirky as my AMD was (and I didn't need to spend the nearly $6,000).
Chiropractors and Quackery
As a whole, if I had to bunch up all chiropractors into one group, I'd call them quacks. From a medical standpoint, from a nursing standpoint, I've heard far to often about far to many chiropractors that think they can heal. To be clear, I believe chiropractors are wonderful (or at least should be educated enough to be wonderful) at spinal alignment, adjustments, and things along those lines. They should be able to identify bad posture, correct any misalignment that came from the posture, and then educate on the proper posture to use. Through x-rays and other examinations they should be able to find defects in the spine, spinal cord, and other soft tissues around the spine and spinal cord. If all I ever heard from and about chiropractors was that, then I'd sing their praises as highly as I sing massage and physical therapists.
But that's not the case. I remember the first deep dive I did into chiropracty when I was in nursing school. Through websites, organizations, and youtube videos, I found that they believed they could cure. Cure arthritis, and kidney disease, and cancer. I'm not talking about an arthritic spine, I'm talking about arthritis in one's hands. They claimed they could not only prevent kidney disease and make it so that the patient doesn't need kidney dialysis, they could reverse the damage and heal a person so that they no longer need the dialysis they are on. Understand, once your kidneys have progressed far enough that we need to use a machine to replicate their function, dialysis, there is no healing of that. The fix for dialysis is a kidney transplant. Not a spinal adjustment.
And cancer? Give me a fucking break. If something or someone or somedrug can treat and beat cancer, we'd hear about it. We'd know. We'd be singing their praises from the rooftops.
On the surface, you can almost, kind of understand where they're coming form when you stop thinking, tilt your head, and squint your eyes (and ignore basic medical facts). Almost everything that happens in the body involve nerves, right? Where to all the nerves come from and go to? The spine. What are they manipulating? The spine!!! AH-HA!!!
Yeah, no.
That's just not how it works. The most critical thing that chiropractors can 'fix' or 'heal' is a pinched nerve. It's no laughing matter and no minor feat. If you have a pinched nerve you can suffer from reduced capabilities, pain, and numbness. But you can't fix a dead kidney with a spinal adjustment.
When I learned that's what some, if not many, if not all, chiropractors thought, I was livid. I went on a scorched earth campaign and compared them to snake oil salesman.
But I've learned more since then and put them where I think they belong. Somewhere between alternative medicine and physical therapy. They can use real medical knowledge to make assessments and adjustments to fix a host of positional related problems. And certainly, if you have bad posture or are doing something repetitively bad (like nurses lifting and moving patients) that cause problems, then a chiropractor can help alleviate those problems.
That's why I respected my neighbor's chiropractor enough to go to him. He realized he was at the end of what he can do with his practice, and not only suggested his patient (my neighbor) move on to a medical doctor, he refused further treatment until he did so. Respect!
Now if only his office respected the hours they posted, returned calls, used better insurance software, and didn't hold my legally protected insurance and identification documents on an iPhone, I might respect his entire office.
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