I keep hoping for that turn around year. That 2013 where it was bad but it got better and then became good. That year that was the 'first' in a long series of good years. What was my last 'good' year? 2019? 2018? Right now it doesn't feel like I'll ever get back to a good year and may just start hoping for it to stop getting worse.
So, like last year, 2023 started off on a bad note. This time it was a COVID infection. Like it had before, this ate up all of my sick time and annual leave. I started the year with a paycheck less than my normal one. I just didn't know that the 'normal' paycheck for the year would be far less than that one. With my migraines not getting better, and in fact getting worse, I was sick enough that I used every sick our I earned each pay period and more. I never had annual leave to use.
I kept having the migraines bad enough that I used almost a full year's worth of FMLA in four months. I re-upped my FMLA in April and then burned through another year's worth of FMLA in another four months. Two year's worth of FMLA in eight months. I guess if I wanted to name this year, 2023 would be the year of blindness as I didn't see how bad that situation was. I just kept hoping that I would get better. I even started searching for a different job, thinking that work stress was making my migraines bad.
If you follow along here you know what happened in August and September. I decided to 'medically retire'. I'm still hoping to get better and return to work someday but it was either that, take a medical leave of absence (with no money), or get fired. The medical retirement at least let me gain access to my 401k and let me cash some of that in. I'm now debt free and have my long term disability paying me each month (still fighting them on that though!) but that will only last a couple years. If worse comes to worst and I'm not ready to re-join the workforce at that point, I can cash in some more of my 401k. That'll get me through another few years. But as I've mentioned on a previous post, if I'm dealing with migraines like this for that long, I won't be around to see that ending.
On other issues, I deal with a right shoulder injury. If I had sick time I might have gone to the doctor and eventually on to physical therapy. It felt like the injury I previously had on my left shoulder. But I didn't have the time so I just dealt with it and tried doing some stretching exercises. It more or less cleared up by the end of the year. My shoulder doesn't hurt all that much and is just a little weaker than normal. I also started using a continuous glucose monitor for my endocrinologist. It's great as I can see my blood sugar at any given moment and honestly helps me keep my snacking down. If I feel hungry, I can check my blood sugar and see if it's actually getting to my lower side or if it's riding high. If it's high, I'll just chalk the 'hungry' up to a mental mistake and avoid eating.
Family has been getting on. Mom is steadily getting worse. She started the year dealing with a major gut problem but was walking on her own. She fell a couple times, each time hurting herself bad enough to warrant using a rolling walker. In May, she went into the hospital as her diarrhea was so bad that her electrolytes got out of whack and caused her heart to beat erratically. She was in the hospital for a week. When she got out she was so weak that she remained on the rolling walker. She's been on it ever since and seems really weak just walking around. She has a cold about once a month but doesn't have the capacity to deal with it, so each one is severe.
I begged her to take it easy this holiday season but she went all out for Thanksgiving as her brother was coming up to visit. Then she took a slight step back for Christmas, letting my brother deal with Christmas eve and my cousin to deal with Christmas day, but then she went all out on New Year's Day again. And to make matters worse, my brother R wants her to do MORE so that she can work out and get better. I'm on the exact opposite page and believe she should do LESS.
On the family front, we also lost our dog Z. He passed away in June. I don't like dogs, I didn't like him, but he was still the family pet and both my brother R and my mother loved him. Therefore I was there to care for his death while my brother was away on a vacation.
After leaving work and getting my finances set up, I took a long vacation to A and his family's place. It was a good calming vacation, although the migraines made it rough most days.
In June I posted my long worked upon story Just Dance. I think it went over well and I'm quite proud of it. A few months later I started on my next story, this time based around a secretarial situation. I was making good headway on that, the temporary title is "You're Not The Boss Of Me" but then found the CHYOA site and started writing there. I started adding to a story that others wrote and started writing my own story 'Gamer Gurl'. Gamer Gurl is now longer and more in depth than what I had for You're Not The Boss Of Me. I'm sure I'll get back to the Boss story, but for now I'm really enjoying Gamer Gurl and when I feel like writing, I just put out a chapter of that.
Sadly, since I left work, I've mainly been dealing with the migraines. That's my life and my job now. I have one about five out of every six days. When I don't have one, I'm dealing with the 'after-migraine headache'. I had what felt like a miracle last week... 4 days withOUT a migraine. But while work wasn't specifically making my migraines worse, stress IS a major factor. The worst four migraine days in the last month have been Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day. All family days and all days that I wanted to help mom. There just isn't much of anything else going on and nothing else will really go on with my life until I get these under better control.
Here are the questions. Like the last few years, I'm culling these down so there will be fewer and fewer questions.
1.What did you do in 2023 that you'd never done before?
Left the workforce. The closest I came to this previously is leaving a job before I had another, but I'd always left a job with the plan to get another. I DO plan to re-join the workforce, but I have no path to that yet. I have to get the migraines under control before that can happen.
I also took a vacation without a plan. Obviously, work normally defines a vacation. I have to take the time off so I plan the trip to my destination, the time at the destination, and the time to return home so that I can come back to work. This time I had a date I wanted to leave, and a hard date of return as I'd run out of my medications. Other than that, there was no plan. If a migraine got bad enough while driving to Texas, I'd simply stop and get a hotel room. My trip might take the normal two days, it might take four. It was very relaxing to not have a plan.
4.Did anyone you know die?
The family dog Z died. He was old and long overdue. He was practically blind and deaf, he was having trouble eating and drinking. I wanted to give him a comfortable death long before nature took him, but as my brother and mother 'loved' him more than me, they decided they didn't want to euthanize him.
Ironically, I was the one that had to deal with his death. I was beside him when he took his last breath, I got to tell mom he died so she could come say goodbye to his dead body, I had to move him to the basement as R was on his way home (he hadn't believed us when we told him the days previous that Z was dying), and even had to dig Z's grave.
No humans in my life passed away.
6.What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?
Job clarity. I said this same thing last year, but it means so much more this year. Job clarity means that the migraines are under control and I'm able to think clearly. It means that I'm able to go through an interview and not just lose my mind during it, making me look like a gibbering idiot.
7.What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
September 13, 2023. It was my last day at work. I actually have to remember that as I bring it up with my long term disability, my doctors, and my insurance. Also, May 1, 2023 as that's when I watched mom die in the hospital (read the post from then as she's not dead).
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
It's an easy choice here as I can't think of any other achievement I made this year that was good. Publishing Just Dance.
9.What was your biggest failure?
Not seeing how bad the migraines were. I gave myself no time at the end to properly exit the work force. I should have seen in early June how bad it was and made a plan to leave before FMLA was gone. I could have gotten disability benefits, and maybe had an easier time dealing with LTD. But I waited until the very last moment and then left like a thief in the night.
10.Were you seriously ill during 2023?
No. While my whole year is defined by these migraines, I'm not comfortable calling them 'seriously ill'. Just chronically ill.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
There isn't much that I bought this year that made a big impact. I bought a Chromebook and it's fine, but I hardly use it. It's more or less a D&D accessory. I bought a Pixel Tablet to replace my bedside Nest Home Max. It was supposed to serve as my bedside Google Home assistant and alarm clock and would be better than the Home Max as I could pull it off its base and have it work as a stand alone tablet. Well, it sucked at being a Google Home assistant and alarm clock. I'm now letting that go to my brother R and have a replacement Nest Home Max. I bought a Steam Deck when my medical fear were big enough that I thought I might need chemotherapy, but I just didn't play it and ended up selling it.
I bought a Pixel Fold phone and it's well worth the $1800 price tag. Great camera, great Android experience, and all the Googly goodness you could expect. It's hard to NOT pick the Pixel Fold, but I think the real best thing I bought is...
My Falcon Northwest computer. It's the first time I've gone all out on a computer. Best processor available now, best video card available now, more RAM than I think I'll need, more data storage (SSD space) than I think I'll need. And all of that in a high quality small frame that somehow keeps it all running smooth and cool. Their sales service was great and they are renown for their high quality tech support. I obviously use it every single day and is far better than my last computer. When I say 'better than my last computer' I don't mean because it has better tech and that it runs games faster or benchmarks better... I mean booting it up, opening Google Chrome, using Photoshop, using MS Word, and yes playing games too. It's ALL better. Hopefully I won't have to, or even want to, replace this computer for years and years to come.
12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
I unfortunately can't think of any behavior, whether my own or someone else's, that merits celebration. Maybe it's just my migraine rattled mind, but it seems like the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The state of Michigan. I was denied my disability benefits because they required the application to be there before my last day working. My last day was 09/13/2023 and they received it on 09/18/2023. Once I knew I was leaving the state service I requested information on the benefits. They sent me the application. The very same day I received the application, I filled it out and sent it back. And after receiving it on the 18th, they denied it because it came in to late.
14.Where did most of your money go?
I didn't make nearly as much money in 2023 as I did in previous years. Not just because I stopped working in mid September, but because I was working so few hours. So most of my money went to bills and eventually from pulling my 401k money out and paying all the bills off that I could.
15.What did you get excited about?
I'm going to write up more about this in a post or two, but I was most excited about Michigan Football. As I write this they've beaten Ohio State for the third year in a row, are B1G champions for the third year in a row, got to the CFP for the third year in a row, beat Alabama in the first round in the Rose Bowl, and are going to play Washington for the national championship next week. I'm very excited about it!
16.What songs will always remind you of 2023?
The first song that comes to mind is 'Hurt' by NIN and Johnny Cash. Its how I feel about the migraines. Heal by Tom Odell comes to mind for the same reasons.
I think the biggest song though will be Dernière danse by Indila. It's in French so I can't follow along with the words, it's all pure emotion to this song. And the way it sounds is just... well, its 2023 in a nutshell.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
- Sadder/Happier?
- Sadder
- Thinner/Fatter?
- Fatter. I've gained about 15 pounds.
- Richer/Poorer?
- Poorer. Obviously.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Worked.
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stayed in my dark room, crying with a migraine.
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
I had bad migraines on all the Christmas celebration days.
21.What is the one thing you would have gone back and done differently this year?
Gotten out of work more smoothly.
24.What was your favorite TV program?
Watching TV was hit and miss as I can't concentrate when I have a bad migraine and find it difficult to watch new shows. For the most part I didn't watch much new, just re-runs of old shows.
25.What was your greatest musical discovery?
French Music. You already saw the Dernière danse song above, but there were several other French songs that really caught my ear.
26.What was the best book you read?
After abandoning the Wheel of Time books, I moved back to tried and true books that I've read before. I decided to re-read Stephen King's Dark Tower books. I stopped midway through the first book to read his newest novel Holly, and it's really good. The main protagonist of Holly has been in four or five other books and is good to see again. The only bad thing about the book was the time frame... it was written in and set in the COVID time. SK is pretty political and he writes all the anti-COVID and anti-vaxxers as idiots. I believe they're idiots too, but I'd like to see a more encompassing world view.
27.Are you happy with your lot?
No.
28.What did you want and get?
As I write this I can't think of anything I wanted and got. I wanted happiness but am to far low on that scale. I wanted to be a better person, but just am not. I wanted to be healthier, to earn more money, to be satisfied with work... nope, nope, nope.
29.What did you want and NOT get?
See above.
30.What was your favorite film of this year?
About the same as the TV. Just didn't watch much new.
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 49 in 2023. I worked.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having my migraines under control.
34.What kept you sane?
I believe I've lost far more sanity than I've kept this year.
36.What political issue stirred you the most?
The fact that there are so many people here in the United States that believe all the far right wing conspiracy BS. Or are at least willing to go along with it because 'The Democrats Are Just As Bad'. Stolen elections, insurrection, believing any opponent (whether they were an ally before or not) are not just an enemy but are guilty of the same crimes you are purported to be guilty of. I hate to say it's not the politicians, but they're just catering to the voters. And the voters want their elected officials to act like this.
37.Who did you miss?
Same as last year. I miss me. I don't feel that I'm the same person. I'm darker in mind and soul now. I don't like this.
38.Who were the best new people you met/got to know?
I didn't really meet any new people. Not in my 3D life. I met several authors over at CHOYA and we've chatted, but I'm not close enough to say I got to know them. So... nobody?
39.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023:
A Valuable Life Lesson? Don't take advice from me.
40.Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Hard times is here and everywhere you go
Times are harder than ever been before
You know that people, they are are driftin' from door to door
But you can't find no heaven, I don't care where they go
People, if I ever can get up off of this old hard killin' floor
Lord, I'll never get down this low no more
When you hear me singin' this old lonesome song
People, you know these hard times can last us so long
You know, you say you had money, you better be sure
Lord, these hard times gon' kill you, just drag on slow
From 'Hard Time Killing Floor' by Larkin Poe
So that's 2023. Sorry to be such a downer, but it's been a real downer of a year. Here's to hoping I can tell you how 2024 led me to better health and a return to being 'me'.
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