Update June 03, 2023

Time seems to stop for months at a time then all of a sudden four months have passed by. 

Health

Sadly, not much has changed since my last update.  I'll see the endocrinologist next week but at least I'll be able to report on the continuous blood glucose monitor.  I really do like having it and believe it's helping me keep healthy.  One strange thing about it though is it seems to be accurate in the middle range while being inaccurate when I'm low or high.  Obviously one of the reasons someone would want to monitor their blood glucose is to see if the insulin they're using is pushing them too low.  It's a dangerous, possibly life threatening, problem.  So the software has an alarm set to go off if my blood glucose drops below 55mg/dl.  The first few times it went off at that level I was scared and did what the doc said.. confirm it through my known good monitor.  Well, it turns out my blood sugar WAS low, just not THAT low.  It was around 70mg/dl.  I'm not even symptomatic at 70mg/dl.   It will also alarm if my blood sugar gets too high, currently set at 250mg/dl.  I've only hit that once, but again after checking with my known good monitor it showed 190mg/dl.  

I was curious how it could be so off and checked it randomly for several days.  Between about 90 and 170mg/dl it's roughly accurate.  Below and above those numbers is where it gets off.  The really rough part is that I'll drop down to my low (70mg/dl) when sleeping.  Yeah, waking up to that alarm SUCKS.  And as I'll stay that low and don't want to just go randomly eat something sugary to avoid the alarm, I have to turn the bluetooth off to my phone.  Otherwise the alarm will go off every 15 minutes or so.  

My blood pressure was bad.  Worse than I thought.  I was getting averages in the 140s and highs in the 160s.  So I finally sent the doc a note through my e-chart and he changed my meds around a bit.  He canceled one of my BP meds but replaced it with a combo med that included the same one plus a diuretic.  A diuretic lowers your BP by making you want/need to urinate.  And it worked.  Thankfully I haven't really noticed a need to go to the bathroom more often, I just urinate more when I do go to the bathroom.  

The migraines are remaining horrible.  I call in to work as often as I go in to work.  In a normal pay period I work 10 days.  My average pay period for the past few months has been 5 days paid.  I've seen the neurologist for another Botox treatment where we upped the dose again, but he realizes I'm not satisfied by it.  He says we'll try this for another 3 months and then re-evaluate.  We might go again, we might up the dose (he doesn't seem to have much faith that it will be a miracle cure if it isn't already working well by that point), or we'll "discuss other options".  I'm not even sure what the other options might be at this point but I'm willing to try just about anything.  

My arm still hurts.  It's still slowly getting worse.  I'm still not doing anything about it.  I'll mention it to my doctor (my general practitioner) when I see him next, which should be later this summer.  

Finances

Obviously with me missing so much work, my finances are still going to shit.  I've stopped paying mom her monthly bills.  I've gone to paying minimum payments on my credit cards.  I've even had to 'skip' a car payment (pay a small fee and the credit union allows it).  It's not horrible yet as I can catch up pretty quickly when I'm making my full amount.  But it's not good.  Hopefully the new job will end the stress on the migraines (more on that below) and I'll be caught up by the end of the year.  

Family/Friends

I want to focus on my brother R.  I'm really getting upset with him.  I know he's going through his own problems.  He's a proud man that doesn't want to share his pain.  He's hurt that he's not working but being home to help mom is a buffer for that pain.  But damn it, I feel like he has this internal list of chores that have to be done around the house and is in a passive aggressive manner, forcing me to do 'my' half.  

To be clear, I know he does a lot more around the house than I do.  Outside of the home is more or less his domain.  Lawn mowing, spraying for ants (and other bugs), trimming the trees... I don't participate in those at all.  He'll occasionally vacuum, although we have a robot vac for the day to day stuff.  He'll clean the toilet.  I clean the bathroom counters, maintain the food stores between the basement and the pantry/fridge, pick up the groceries (mom buys them online), and pick up when I noticed a mess.  But there's two things that get under my skin.  Soda cans and dishes.  

We all used to drink soda.  Mom drinks her caffeine free Pepsi, I drink several varieties of Mountain Dew, and R drank the Mountain Dew with real sugar.  During the pandemic they stopped selling R's Mountain Dew and he didn't want to move on from it to another soda, so he changed to water and/or coffee.  At that point, he stopped dealing with the soda cans.  We kind of have a three stage setup for used cans (I should mention that here in Michigan we have a 10 cent bottle/can return and can't recycle cans).  We used to have a real big problem with ants, so after we finish with a can we shake out the remains and leave it upside-down in the kitchen sink.  When you next move a can into the skin, you take the previous one (that's had time to drip out the remaining soda) and put it into a case for the cans.  This is just the case they came in.  When the case is filled we'd move it to another area in the kitchen and eventually move it outside to our longer term storage (a big bag of cans that we'll either donate to a charity or give to our nephews/sister-in-law to take back).  

Easy Peasy right?  Well, R stopped that process.  Not for mom's cans, just mine.  Its not as though he was just not getting to my cans in the sink, he'd pick it up and move it to the counter top.  It would literally be a foot away to put it into the case, but he'd leave it for me.  When he puts the last can into the case (mom's can, not mine) he'd leave it there for me to move later.  He'd never take the full cases outside and he'd never pull out the full bag and replace it for more empty cans.  Its a small thing, but its the passive aggressive nature of it that gets me.  You want me to become the king of the cans?  Fine.  Just say it.  I wouldn't even find that untoward as he doesn't drink from cans any longer.  But nope.. he's just going to make me do it through his actions.  Not his inactions... his actions.  

Then there's the dishes.  My brothers and I, when we were young, always hated doing the dishes.  We'd constantly argue over it and split it up into several jobs so that none of us ever got away without doing any of it.  That's carried right on into adult hood.  For the past few years R and I got into a good rhythm.   I'd start clearing the table then he'd join in.  Once it was almost clear, he'd move on to packing the dishwasher.  Once everything was in that was going to fit in, I'd finish up by washing the last few pots and/or pans.  This was worked especially well as R is far FAR better than me at packing the dishwasher.  It's like he's playing Tetris and can constantly beat it.  That was 'then'.  

Now?  Now he just sits there.  I clear the table.  I pack the dishwasher.  I wash the remaining dishes.  He'll come in while I'm scrubbing away and make a cup of coffee without even offering a hand.  Now obviously when I'm at work he has to do this as we wouldn't allow mom to help out.  And yes, I'm home far more often now, but it's not like I'm taking time off to laze about.  I have a migraine that's preventing me from going to work.  I don't even want to come out of my dark room to have dinner but it's family time and I refuse to miss any of that.  

Its just little things like that, that R is targeting toward me.  For instance, a little thing that just occured yesterday.  R is going up north for a week for a vacation (with that 18 months of NOT working he certainly needs a vacation amiright?).  In the basement we have this stack of boxes from when R and I lived together.  Our piddly little kitchen stuff and home decorations and books and stuff like that.  I've been using one of those boxes to stack up my Gatorade that I use for my work lunches.  I want variety and drink three Gatorades per work day (one for driving to work, one for at work, one for driving home).  As I don't want the same three flavors all the time, I get four eight-packs and line them up individually.  That way I'll have at least one different flavor each day.  Well, R had to move out this used plastic tarp from painting the living room a few years ago as it was on his cooler.  Where did he put it?  On my box top of Gatorade.  Sure, it could have been the only 'open' space for it, but it wasn't.  And not only was it not the only open spot, he folded up the tarp so that it fit exactly on that spot.  

He just obviously and overtly put it in my way.  

And beyond the passive aggressive stuff, R is just getting negative.  Everything is bad, everything is wrong, everything is fucked up and why doesn't the world just come to an end.  I shared a news story with him about the State of Michigan's legislature moving to change the testing requirements for marijuana.  Right now all state jobs test for marijuana using a urine test.  That shows any use in the past 30 days.  The problem is, these jobs don't ban someone from marijuana use.  It just bans them from being intoxicated while on the job.  Marijuana is now recreationally legal and R is a big user.  Not only was this coming through the legislature, it's coming from the republican caucus... not exactly a group of old white men you'd expect to "go easy on drugs".  

R got pissed about it that it was ever a problem and just went into how unfair and unjust it was that it wasn't completely legal in the united states and why did they have to test for it anyhow?

Jesus, he can't even be happy with good news.  

I normally wouldn't put this under 'family/friends' but it's my family doing this, so I guess it fits here.  

Our dog is dying.  We got him for Dad when he was bad with cancer, just before he died, he was a newborn pup.   That's 2006.  That makes our shih-tzu 17 years old.  The average age for shih-tzus is 14 when they die.  Our dog, Z, is OLD.  He's very nearly blind.  He'll sit and beg at an empty chair for table scraps because he thinks someone is there.  He can barely make out contrast when there is a lot of light (he'll need to 'go outside' but can't see that we're there to let him out until we turn the extra lights on).  He's very nearly deaf.  You have to shout or make some other sharp loud noise to even get his attention (mom likes to clap loudly at him which is fucking awful with my migraines).  His back legs are slowly giving out making it difficult for him to go up and down stairs.  He's actually fallen down a flight of stairs several times.  I'm not talking about skipping or sliding, I'm talking about head over tail rolling down a dozen hard stairs.  His skin is full of growths that are hard and sensitive to touch.  He really can't stand to be petted any longer.  He has very little bowel/bladder control.  He used to come to any of us and 'ask' to go outside to take care of his business.  Now he'll glance at mom (the closest to him at almost all times) and if she doesn't immediately recognize he needs to go out, just march into the bathroom and urinate/shit there.  Its so common that we now constantly have three blue absorbent puppy pads there... and that's just great for Mom who isn't stable on her own feet.  He can't really smell any more.  When he comes in from outside he gets a doggy cookie.  We used to motion it up and he'd sit-up pretty for it.  Now he doesn't even know that the cookie is in front of him unless you tap him on the nose with it.  And if you tap him on the nose but drop it, he'll still extend his neck, open his mouth, and 'bite' at the empty air.  He didn't know it wasn't there.  And finally his trachea is collapsing.  It's a sadly common problem with shih tzus in later life which leads to him not being able to easily make any noise besides a hacking cough.  He CAN still bark, but its obvious it's not pleasant for him and is a last option when he wants/needs attention.   

Now, I'm not an animal/pet/fur-baby person.  I'm not cruel in any way toward animals, but I don't believe they're little people and therefore shouldn't be treated like that.  R loves Z too much to let him go.  He knows he won't live too much longer, but he's not willing to do anything to quicken Z's passing.  I advocated one time to take him to the vet or the shelter and have him mercifully put down.  R looked at me like I wanted to murder mom.  

But while he's seeing this as losing a beloved pet/friend/brother, I look at it as putting an animal out of its misery.  Z cannot hear anything but loud shouting or claps.  Those are the same noises/voices we'd use when he was a 'bad boy'.  So now all he hears is that he's a bad boy.  He can't see anything beyond shapes.  He always used to treat Roy with more love than me (duh... R treated him with more love than me), but now that he can't tell us apart, he treats us the same.  He also can't see enough around him to get out of the way.  While clearing the table I have to cross between the dining room and the kitchen around a dozen times.  Z will be underfoot on each passing (making me step over him, wait for him, bump into him, or fully inadvertently kick him 24 times just to clear the table).  We all know that dogs use their sense of smell more than anything else, so that's another way that he can't identify us or even the lack of us.  Does he think he's alone and surrounded by strangers all the time?  He is scared a lot of the time now.  

I just see letting him go on like this as cruel.  It's inconvenient to us, sure, but it's cruel to him.  So while I like/love Z the least, I feel like I'm the only one looking out for him by suggesting we help him pass in a peaceful way.  He's likely to die choking, trying to breath as his trachea finally collapses fully.  Or falling down the steps, breaking his hips or cracking his skull.  I'd think being held by R while a vet gives him a shot that slowly 'puts him to sleep' would be a blessing in comparison.  

Work

Work still sucks, no news on that front.  BUT I've decided to move on.  I really wanted to give this job at least a year.  That seems only fair.  But that's right around the corner and nothing is going to change in the meantime.  So I've started looking for jobs back in the prison system.  And now that I've let some of the nurses I used to work with in the prison with know, they're funneling me information about newly listed jobs.  

That's how I found out about a job in my hometown.  It's not at a great prison, but it's getting back into correctional nursing which would be good.  I found out about the job after a long stretch of migraines (I was out of work for 10 days straight).  When I finally caught up with my email I saw one from a nurse letting me know about this job.  The only problem was the posting ended THAT day at 11:59 PM.  I'd get out of work at 10:30, take my hour long drive home, and have about a half our to finish up my resume and apply to the job (and trust me, applying to a state job takes more than a few minutes).  When I finally clicked submit and got the confirmation, it listed that my application was accepted at 11:57 PM.  A whole 2 minutes to spare!  

As I got into it at the last minute, it didn't take long to get the interview scheduled.  I saw it was with three nurses (two health unit managers and a director of nursing) that I'd already worked with and knew me.  Knew me in a good way, not a bad way!  I figured I was a shoe in.  The way a job application works for the state is that its open for internal candidates first.  That's people at the same facility to make a lateral move (not raising from a nurse to a nurse manager, but a nurse manager to a different nurse manager position).  If no one wants that, its then open to anybody in the department.  If they have at least three people from inside the department, they can simply interview them and not even offer it up to anybody else.  As I'm in the Department of Health and Human Services now and not the Department of Corrections, I can only get an interview if there were less than three internal (lateral) applicants or none.  So the way I figured is unless they opened this job position with a particular nurse in mind and had to open it up to external applicants to get enough interviews, this job is mine.  I have just under 10 years with the state, over 8 of those years with the department of corrections and almost 3 of those as a nurse manager.  It's HIGHLY unlikely that there would be a more qualified interviewee.  Add in the fact that I've had like six good interviews in a row (ever since my first set of interviews 10 years ago), I was feeling good.  

The day before the interview I picked out my interview outfit.  Shirt, tie, slacks.  I looked good and professional.  I wanted to trim my hair, beard, and mustache, but had a migraine going.  Having a buzzing razer against my skull for 15 minutes was out of the question.  I barely was able to stand trimming my facial hair.  

The morning of the interview I still had the migraine.  I saw that it was a sunny bright day making even the thought of driving across town for the interview painful.  But I try to find that sharp edge between confident and cocky and figured even with a migraine, I'd be a shoe-in for the job.  At this point, I'm guessing I was way wrong.  

I felt the interview went okay.  I kept a smile on my face, didn't let out that I was in pain, and only had two 'brain farts' where I couldn't answer a question well.  One was very basic (explain the nursing process and give an example of how you use it in your job as a manager) and probably looked bad for me to struggle with, but overall I figured I was still good.  I had good questions afterward (always have good questions for them as it shows interest!), and finished by thanking them for the interview and possible opportunity.  Once I got out to my car it took me a good 20 minutes to get my photophobia and headache under control enough to leave the parking lot.  The migraine was BAD.  

The next day though I got the news that says I probably bombed the job interview.  My interview was at 09:30 AM.  At 02:44 PM the Director of Nursing that I'd interviewed with sent out an email that they were RE-opening that job to the health unit manager where I used to work.  That got filtered down to the rest of the nursing staff and those nurses let me know about it hoping I'd apply... not realizing that they RE-opened that job just hours after I interviewed for it.  

I'm left with only two possibilities.  I (as well as all the other interviewees) bombed and they opened up the position to start over again.  Or, they were looking for two nurse manager and the second position finally opened up.  

I'll know if they picked me in the next few days.  IF they picked me for the job, they'll send my name to the state office of human resources who will check into my references.  Of course one of my references is my current supervisor (I told her I was looking for other employment before I even applied).  I let her know that I'd had the interview and that if she got a reference check for me to let me know.  They don't check all interviewees references, just the person they chose.  So if I don't hear that my references are getting checked I'll either reapply or email the director of nursing and ask her if its worth me applying.  

Entertainment

With all my migraines I've mainly been watching old TV shows.  Either ones I've already seen or ones that I don't care enough about to follow along closely with.  I haven't played any new games, and while some of the music I've gained in the past So, nothing to report there.  

New Tech

A new keyboard, a new mouse, and a new phone on the way!  

The phone first.  Yes, back in October I told you about my new phone, the Samsung Galaxy Z Fold 4.  I'm still in love with the form factor if not with this phone in particular.  I just don't like Samsung's software overlay (theirs is called OneUI 5) and the more I used the phone, the more I missed the Pixel interface.  Well, Google finally announced the Pixel Fold.  I pre-ordered it through Google Fi (thank you Verizon for fucking up and convincing me to go back with Google Fi!) and it will be delivered at the end of the month.  I can trade in the Samsung, but it'll only get me $300.  That's for a phone that I just paid $1800 for.  I think I'll keep it and see if someone else wants it.  Even if I give it away, I'll feel better about it.  

A few months ago I grew tired of my keyboard.  This is the Logitech G915 low profile keyboard I got back in 2021.  I think the spacebar was sticking just a bit, but that probably could have been cleaned.  The real fact of the matter was that I've grown tired of it and was looking for something new.  As I always do, I start with thing that I want to keep.  Low profile keys, mechanical keys, media keys, wireless, RGB.  

I was shocked to find out that that group included the Logitech I was currently using, one from Corsair, and one from Razer.  As I was still a little upset at Razer software and honestly enjoyed the Corsair I'd had before (read about it in the above link for the Logitech G915), I just decided to give the Corsair a try.  This was a nice one that was low profile but smaller than the one I'd looked at before.  This was the *big breath* 'Corsair K100 Air Wireless Full-Size Bluetooth RGB Mechanical Cherry MX Ultra Low Profile Tactile Switch Gaming Keyboard' 

Jesus Corsair, get it together with these names!  

Anywho, I got it and it was fine.  Not really better than the Logitech, not really worse.  The one thing I liked was it didn't have the macro keys to the side.  I'd often hit those instead of the control key on the Logitech.  Sadly, I had to keep the Logitech G software as I was using their G903 mouse.  I wasn't a real fan of the mouse, to be honest, but I hated the Corsair mice.  The G903 was just too light and while it worked fine, it felt chintzy in the hand.  There just wasn't another mouse to consider.  

So I used the Corsair K100 low profile keyboard for awhile and liked it.  One problem came though and it got more and more under my skin.  As a wireless RGB keyboard, I want it to go to sleep after about 15 minutes of me not using it.  Otherwise it will need to be charged every day or so.  Now, when the Logitech G915 went to sleep, it'd wake up with just the touch of a key.  I type well enough by touch that I didn't need the lights on to start typing, just line my fingers up and go.  By the time I was on my 2nd or 3rd letter, the lights were on and it was fine.  Even if I just wanted to roll the volume roller, it woke right up and started to work.  

The Corsair didn't do that. 

If it had gone to sleep and I started typing, it would wake up by the 2nd or 3rd letter typed.  But it completely missed those first 1 or 2 letters.  And the volume roller?  Nope, that wouldn't wake it up at all.  So if the volume suddenly skyrocketed on a youtube video I was watching, I'd have to tap the keys on the keyboard once to wake it up, wait a half a second, then I could use the volume roller.  

I finally had enough.  This was unacceptable.  I'd try the Razer and see if it was any better.  Thank the Goddess I didn't just buy it, knowing it was the only other alternative.  The reviews showed a detail that killed it's chances before it was even in my shopping cart.  The Razer didn't wake up AS FAST as the Corsair did, and it's volume knob didn't wake it up either.  In other words, it would be just as bad or WORSE than the Corsair.  

DAMN IT!  

So if I wanted to stick with what I had listed as must-have features, I had to go back to the Logitech.  

I kept floundering back and forth.  The Logitech G91 has been out for like 3 years now and is due for an upgrade.  Logitech has new wireless connectivity features as well as using USB C (the G915 still uses micro USB).  I really hated the idea of spending $250 for a keyboard that would be replaced in a few months by a better model and that I'd already used.  

Then this morning hit.  I don't remember what the straw was, but I got pissed at the Corsair.  I think I hit play on a video and it blared out far too loud at 8 O'clock in the morning and it took me a few extra seconds to roll the volume roller down, remember that it didn't work like that, tap a key, wait, and then role the volume roller down again.  

I spent two hours researching, figuring out what I'd give up.  Either spend too much money on something I'd already had, or give up certain features.  While looking, I found a video review of the Logitech MX Mechanical from their Master series.  This was the productivity model instead of a gaming model, but it was still low profile mechanical keys.  It looked good, was smaller than the Corsair, just a touch thicker than the G915 and again... looked good.  Certainly more understated than the G915, but it's a productivity keyboard and not a gaming keyboard.  Understated is expected.  The problems are two fold.  1) No RGB.  2) Media keys.  

The RGB wasn't TOO much of a problem.  Yeah, I'd rather have RGB, but this still has white lights.  So that wasn't a killer.  But the Media keys.  It does technically have media keys, they're just not perfect.  There is no volume roller or dial.  Instead there are two dedicated keys above the backspace key (Normally the F keys would extend out to there, but the F keys are pushed together, giving a little room at the end.  The worse part is the back, play, next track buttons.  Those are function keys above the F9, F10, and F11 keys.  So I'd have to hit two keys to change tracks, and even then look down at the keyboard as they weren't in an easy to find space.  

What sold me on the keyboard though wasn't the keyboard itself.  It was the mouse.  You see the same video review was also reviewing the MX Master 3S mouse.  I've seen reviews of the MX Master mice and they're nice.  Great productivity mice.  They have the smooth scroll that's the whole reason I got the G903, but don't have the RGB lighting (or any lighting).  One feather I've found interesting on them is that it not only has a scroll wheel, it has a thumb scroll wheel.  In the review they showed how all the mouse keys were programable and showed the scroll wheel controling the volume.  So if I got the MX Mechanical keyboard AND the MX Master 3S mouse, I WOULD have a volume roller!  It would just be on the mouse instead of the keyboard.  

And the media keys?  Well, they keyboard also has a bunch of programable keys, including a row above the number pad.  Out of the box they're programed for Calculator, Show Desktop, Search, and Lock Computer.  I don't ever use search, and use the other functions occasionally.  But I'm also used to using them in a certain way.  When I want a calculator it's a quick flick of my wrist on the mouse and a couple clicks to get it in the start menu.  When I want to show the desktop, it's a flick of the wrist on the mouse to the lower right corner and a click.  And I lock my computers at work so much that hitting the windows key and L for 'Lock Computer' is now muscle memory.  So I can change those keys out to Previous Track, Play/Pause, Next Track, and Mute.  

So they wouldn't be RGB fabulous.  They'd be good replacements for what I had.  And as a bonus, they were both available in town!  So not only did I make a decision, I went out and bought them this morning.  Typing out this update was partially a test to see how the keyboard worked.  And you know what... it works great!  

 

Finishing up Just Dance

I'm just around the corner from being done with Just Dance.  I need to finish editing it, but know that I'm going to add a section to it.  Between the stress from work and the migraines, I just don't find myself with a lot of free time.  It seems whenever I'm not in the middle of a debilitating migraine or stuck at work, I have to get ready for work (shopping, laundry...).  

But I swear, I'm almost fucking done!  

BTW... if you didn't go back and read that post I made about the Logitech G915, you might want to check it out.  I write about a 'new' story I was thinking about at the time.  The post is from February of 2021 and I was nervous it might take until May or June of that year.  The months were right... just two years off.  

It was the first time I laid out the plan for Just Dance!