Goodbye Z

I complained in my last update post about our Dog, Z, and how it'd be more humane to put him down.  I guess that post was prescient. 

I'm going to start by saying that some people may not want to read this.  I'm going to talk about how our family's dog died.  I'm not a pet or animal lover but at the same time I'm not cruel.  I just don't think animal lovers will want to read this.  I'd just skip writing it, but I need to get this off my chest.  Anyway... warning given.  

I made that post on Saturday, June 3rd.  That was the same day that R, my brother, went on his vacation.  Z was his normal self on Saturday and Sunday.  He seemed a little more sick Monday.  Tuesday he was far more sick with a lot of coughing/hacking.  I go to bed later and woke up several times during the night and heard him coughing most of the time.  Wednesday morning he had his normal morning drink, but refused his lunch (which sucks because he has his meds in his lunch, including a steroid that helps with his trachea).  I went into work, but Z went downhill fast.  

At 6 PM Mom sent a text to R, saying that she thought Z was on his way out.  That he was coughing bad, not eating, pooping all over, and just pure having trouble breathing.  R's response was "That sucks".  It was bad enough that Mom called over my sister-in-law M to be with her as M was the only one in town (my younger brother B and I were both at work).  By the time I came home B had stopped by and M went back home.  Z was lying on the floor and his breathing just sounded bad.  It sounded wet even when he wasn't coughing.  It was clear he was starting the dying process.  The last straw in my mind was when Mom said he hadn't drank anything that day.  

It's funny how our bodies work.  I of course know humans, but most of what applies to us humans applies to dogs in a similar manner.  For instance, we (humans) can go a long time without food.  I read once that several Irish prisoners went on a hunger strike and lasted for over three months without food.  Now they ended up with permanent organ damage, but they didn't die.   But go without drinking?  Yeah, you'll be dead in a matter of days.  Organ failure will start within 24 hours.  I looked it up to confirm it, and that same timeline applies to dogs.  So, if Z had stopped drinking and eating, he was now dying.  Not getting ready to die, not prepping to die, not giving hints that he's close to dying... he was dying.  

The next morning, Thursday, I woke up and Z had barely moved in the night.  Mom said he was having trouble standing and walking.  We'd crossed that 24 hour line on drinking.  Mom was beside herself so I asked point blank, what did she want to do with Z.  We both knew that R wanted to have Z buried in our backyard (I checked, it's perfectly fine in our township/city/state).  If we took Z to a vet to have him humanely put down, they wouldn't let us take the body.  He'd be cremated and at best we'd get ashes back.  But if we didn't take him to the vet, he'd die at home.  Choking, his organs failing.  Before I could explain that in my opinion, as a person and as a nurse, that this would be incredibly painful for him, Mom said she wanted him to stay here and pass.  That hopefully that he'd hold on long enough to say goodbye to R when he got back on Saturday but even if he didn't we could bury Z ourselves.  

I nodded, accepted what Mom wanted as scripture, and moved on with it.  Meaning I started lying.  I wouldn't tell mom that this was going to be painful for Z.  I know, I know... I'm compromising my own principals here as I KNOW it was going to be painful for him and I shouldn't ever allow an animal, let alone a beloved pet, go through that.  But Mom wouldn't know and R wasn't here.  He had decided the previous day to not take us seriously and return to see his dog before he died.  I knew that he wasn't going to last until Saturday.  

So, I called into work (one of the very few times I lied about my FMLA) and did my research.  Apparently you don't to bury a pet in anything.  You should bury them down between two and three feet or deeper if something would dig their corpse up.  You should cover them with lye as that will help with decomposition and help keep scavengers away.  And maybe most importantly, you should bury them within a few hours of them dying (or freeze them if you need to wait longer).  After I got Mom settled, I texted R about where I should dig his grave.  Unfortunately, I don't think that R took Z's death as imminent yet.  He was told by both Mom and B the previous day that they figured he was dying, and now he had me asking about where I should dig his grave... but R still didn't make a move to come home.  

We decided on a an area and I got to digging.  I was surprised by both the ease and the difficulty in digging a two to three foot grave.  It wasn't hard at all to dig up the dirt.  Even with no rain for like a month, the ground was still moist enough to keep the walls of the grave from collapsing in on themselves and it took only a bit of effort to push the shovel in.  At the same time, GOD DAMN THERE ARE A LOT OF ROOTS THERE!!!

There was one root in particular that was as thick as the branch of a tree.  Many of the roots were as thick as my fingers making it difficult to cut through with the shovel, so I used a tree trimmer to snip those out of the way.  But this big mamma jamma root required me to dig all around it and get a saw.  I'd have left it alone but it was literally in the middle of where I was digging the grave and about one and a half feet down.  After two goes at digging (I needed a break to catch my breath and for lunch) I finally got it deep enough.  I then went to get some Lye.  

Lye, it turns out, can be used to make soap and meth.  Yeah, it's not exactly common anymore outside of specialty shops.  Thankfully it was originally used as drain cleaner, and some old school companies still sold 100% pure Lye as drain cleaner.  It's expensive though.  A two pound bottle goes for $17.  I wasn't sure exactly how much we'd need so I bought $50 worth of Lye.  

I had a plan for the day.  Once Z passed, Mom and I would say our goodbyes.  I'd wrap him up in a towel and gently take him to the grave.  I'd lay him at the bottom on top of the towel, but not covered by it.  I'd add a couple of his beloved toys and then cover him with the Lye.  Then I'd quickly but gently bury him, mounding the dirt up a bit and covering it with the grass and topsoil that I'd kept separate from the other dirt.  When R got back he'd have a nice grave to look at.  

Later in the afternoon, R and Mom were talking and R wanted to have a video call with Z.  It didn't work with Mom's phone, so I called him on mine and set the phone up so that R could see Z.  If you've been following along, you can guess what Z's reaction was.  Nothing.  He's blind, deaf, and there's nothing to smell here.  And on top of that, his current state was one of disinterest (a normal reaction for dogs getting ready to die).  But R saw that and it hit him that Z was now dying.  

Mom telling him that Z was dying didn't convey the information.  B telling him didn't do it.  Me telling him didn't do it.  Me telling him I was going to dig a grave didn't do it.  But a video call that showed no new information and could have been done weeks ago with the same result... now he's dying.  

I'm being bitter, sorry about that.  

Anyway, Thursday ended.  About the only new thing that happened was Z was still occasionally trying to relieve his bowels.  Take a poop.  There wasn't much inside, but he could still get some out.  He wasn't making any effort to go outside, so once he'd start up I'd rush to pick him up and take him outside.  He was so weak that just that effort would wipe him out.  He'd finish, take a few steps, and just lie down wherever that put him.  I'd give him some time outside... he always liked outside... then pick him back up and take him inside.  Once I put him down on the floor I'd have to gently hold him and give support until he could lower himself down as he couldn't bear his full weight.  

When I went to bed Thursday night I honestly didn't know if I'd want to wake up to Z being alive or dead.  

Friday morning I got up early and found Mom sitting with Z.  He was laying on his side panting.  It's another sign that I'd read about that said he was close.  Hours.  Mom told me that he'd been that way since she'd been up (likely a couple hours) and that she'd talked to R.  R was on his way home.  R's drive time was between four and five hours and I didn't think he'd make it.  I also hoped he wouldn't as that panting reaction was also a sign that Z was in a lot of pain.  I wanted his pain to be over and for this to be quick.  I also didn't want Mom to see this last as she said he cried out, yelped, a few times.  Another sign of pain.   

A quick aside about euthanizing a dog.   It's not exactly easy.  First, most vets want/need you to make an appointment for it.  I think even if we'd called Thursday morning, the best we could have done was an 'emergency' euthanasia.  Euthanizing a dog can cost between $50 and $400.  I only found one vet in the area (in the next county over) that listed an 'urgent' euthanasia cost and it was $500.  There was a mobile vet that would come and euthanize your pet in your home, but their prices started at $500.  They would come to our area but it would cost more in drive time (they were located over 150 miles away), and they too had an 'emergency' fee mentioned but not priced.  I imagined they would charge near $1000.  I had looked them up Thursday night but they really weren't an option Friday morning.  Z wouldn't last as long as their drive time.  I even looked at ways to perform euthanasia myself.  I didn't like the idea as it goes against everything in my being, but if I could spare Mom some pain it might be worth trampling over my own issues about killing a living being myself.  Fortunately there just isn't a humane way to do it at home.  The 'best' option was giving Z a massive dose of my insulin.  It WOULD kill him (I won't use the term euthanize here as it wouldn't be anywhere near humane) but it might take hours and he'd eventually die seizing.  That would probably be worse for mom.  

At this point, euthanizing Z wasn't an option as far as I was concerned.  We'd just have to sit there and watch him die on his own.  He was so weak that he couldn't stand, even though he obviously wanted to.  It seemed like he wanted to roll over, but he couldn't even manage that.  He'd try for several moments but that would tire him out so when he did that a few times in a row I'd pick him up and lay him back down on his other side.  When I would pick him up, he was almost completely limp.  He couldn't support is own weight in my arms.  After a couple hours Mom said she couldn't keep watching him like this and moved into the next room.  I didn't want to leave Z alone so I stayed with him, moving him every fifteen minutes or so.  

After another hour his breathing became irregular.  It would change from quick panting to slow and labored.  It was sometimes shallow and smooth and other times deep and wet/raspy.  This is the last sign.  His body/mind is literally failing at keeping his breathing normal.  I hope no one has to witness this in an animal or a human because it's terrible, especially with the knowledge of what's really going on.  The heart is not beating regularly, the lungs aren't working properly, and the brain isn't getting enough oxygen.  The animal/person doing this is likely out of consciousness or at least out of full consciousness at this point as the brain is shutting down too.  The body is still alive but the person that was there is gone.  But you still have to watch the physical entity that you loved and were close to and that you associate as 'Them' die.  

Z lasted like that for another twenty minutes.  At 11:54 he stretched his body out and shook for thirty seconds or so.  I could see his chest and belly constricting, trying to breathe, but nothing was happening.  And then he relaxed.  His tail finally fully relaxed for the first time that morning and went into its sleep position.  And still, I knew it wasn't over.  I got down on my knees next to him and petted him, knowing that if anything of Z was still there he'd now need comfort more than ever.  His body wouldn't support life but the mind takes minutes to die.  I'm not sure how human consciousness works fully, let alone dog consciousness, but if any bit of him was inside there wanting to, needing to, breathe and not being able to... I wanted him to know that someone was there.  

I pet him.  I patted him.  I told him he was a good boy. 

At 11:55 he gasped for breath.  

At 11:56 he gasped for breath. 

At 11:58 he gasped for breath.

At 12:00 I put my ear to his chest and couldn't hear any breathing or any heartbeat.  I told mom that he had passed on.  

I had wanted this to be quick for mom.  At least as quick as it could be.  I wanted for Z to die, for mom to say her goodbye, and then to take him out of her sight and to bury him.  Otherwise it was just dragging on the pain for her.  But she knew R was on the way home and only hours away.  So that wasn't an option now.  I called B so that he could come over and be with Mom and called R to let him know that Z had passed on.  I told him that Z would still be here when he got back and that we could bury him together.  I wanted to hate him so much at that point because he was heartbroken.  I was sad because this hurt mom so much and yeah, I was sad because R was hurt, but it could have been so much better if we'd had him put down earlier.  Accepted that Z's good life had stopped months previous to this and let him have a good death.  Instead he had a terrible death and I was the one that had to bear witness to it.  

I put Z on a towel and took him down into the basement.  Decomposition starts almost immediately and it's speed is determined by temperature.  We keep our house fairly cool, but from what I'd read you can start to smell decomposition in as little as two hours.  I absolutely didn't want mom to smell Z's death.  R would simply have to deal with Z being cold and stiff when he got home.  I know that would hurt R but given the choice of adding some pain to R or taking some pain from Mom is easy.  Spare mom as she's already dealt with enough.  

B came over and we worked to distract mom.  I could tell that mom was starting to mourn, but we at least kept her spirits up.  Three hours later, R walked in.  He wanted to see Z so I took him down and pulled the towel aside.  I did honestly feel bad as I wasn't able to close Z's eyes after he passed.  They'd bugged out too much because of the dehydration and even fully relaxed, the lids wouldn't close.  And yes, as I knew he would be, Z was now cold and stiff.  Rigor sets in quickly.  At least he didn't smell yet.  We all tiptoed around R, mom even tried to offer him comfort.  But R was angry sad.  He's angry in almost everything he does, so I shouldn't have been surprised.  But I was.  Especially when mom said it wasn't Rs fault and he replied "There's plenty of blame to go around".  

Wait, what? 

Blame for what exactly?  For Z dying or for R not being here when Z died?  Either way, neither I nor Mom bear any blame for those.  Z died because he was old and had been giving signs of his impending death for over a year.  He was well past the average lifespan of a shih tzu, so no one was to blame for him dying.  As for R not being here... he was told on Wednesday and Thursday that we thought Z was dying.  R is the only person who decided to not return home.  I'm sorry that he wasn't here to see his beloved pet die, to be here and to comfort him, but neither mom nor I bear ANY blame for that.  

I TALKED ABOUT DIGGING A GOD DAMNED GRAVE ON THURSDAY!!  

Anyway, R took over.  He'd read absolutely nothing about burying an animal, he hadn't prepared himself mentally for it, he hadn't even seen the grave that was prepared, but he was here and it was now his job to do it.  Instead of taking him down in the towel, R wrapped Z in a blanket with his toys.  When we got to the grave he settled Z's bundled body into the bottom and it barely fit.  I hadn't prepared it, size wise, for a thick bundle.  With the depth I'd dug it, he'd have been under that two foot level that was recommended.  Now, inside the blanket bundle, his body would be slightly above it.  And with the thick blanket bundle settling, it doesn't really matter how high we pat the dirt down, it's going to cause a sunken area.  Not exactly calming to the mind when you look at a grave.  

Oh, and the Lye?  The thing to help him in decomposition and to keep scavengers away?  "I'm not putting that on my dog."

Fuck R.

Anyway, Z finally passed away.  We gave all his food to B as they have a family dog now.  We're looking to see if we can donate his medication to one of the local human societies.  R is trying to find some way to make or buy a memorial headstone for Z's grave.  Mom is doing well this morning but I'm sure there will be time over the next days/weeks/months that it will hit her.