Light Thoughts

I re-read my last post and.... boy, that might have been the nadir.  The low point.  The end of the line.  While it didn't exactly get better starting two months ago, we did start to hire nurses right around then.  And that little glimmer of hope was enough to see, both in my own actions and in the eyes of the nurses I supervise.  To date, we have two RNs and one LPN out of orientation with three more RNs in orientation.  That's enough to cut down the overtime by about half.   

There might be light at the end of this tunnel yet.  

But that's just part of it.  

I wrote that last post on March 1st.  On March 4th I put an application in for another job.  I've talked before about how I look at job searches.  I'm not just a casual looker.  When I seek out new employment, I GET new employment.  I'll just keep moving down my dream job list slowly but surely until someone hires me.  This is the most ideal job that I applied for.  If they don't reach out, then I'll move down.  I looked at what I enjoyed about my job.  What gave me joy.  And then I looked at what I could do elsewhere.  First, I like corrections.  It does bring me actual joy.  There's just something about helping people who most of society turned their back on long ago.  BUT, corrections is corrections right now.  Moving to another facility would be a change of scenery, not a change of job.  All facilities are having staffing problems, so it just wouldn't make sense to even look in the same department.  Besides, if I even applied for another position, the warden could put his foot down and not let me transfer.  

Ideally, I'd like to stay with the state.  My retirement, my pay, my benefits... none of that would change.  I wouldn't even lose my sick time and built up annual leave.  I'd even keep my seniority.  Well, there happens to be something similar to corrections.  In the department of health and human services they run the few remaining mental hospitals in the state.  One of them holds the inmates that have said they are not mentally stable enough to stand trial.  They go through testing to determine if that's true.  If they are able to stand trial, they go through and will probably end up at an RTP unit within a prison (assuming they're found guilty).  If they aren't able to stand trial, they stay inside this hospital until they ARE able to stand trial.  

Or at least that's my understanding of it.  One of the nurses that trained me at my current job... jeez, nine years ago!... works there.  He said it's a pretty good gig but that I should apply as a floor nurse instead of a supervisor.  I'd likely do that if it wasn't for the nearly $5,000 annual pay differential.  They are currently listing for a supervisor, but there's something to know about how the state lists jobs.  Most of them have a starting period (when the job is posted to the public), and an ending period (when the job will be taken down and all applicants start the process of being checked and possibly interviewed).  But some, when there just aren't ever enough people working in a particular job, are listed as continuous.  The job listing never comes down.  RNs for corrections are like that.  Well, this supervisor position is listed as continuous.  That becomes important later.  

I got my application in and received the confirmation email back.  Its still the state, so I figured I'd give it three months.  If I didn't hear anything back, I'd look into the job listing and see if I did something wrong but I'd also apply for some other jobs.  There are supervisor positions at most of the mental health hospitals, so I figurued at least one of them would still be open.  A little less than two months later, however, and I get the email.  An interview!  

The interview was this past Wednesday.  It was held over Microsoft Teams as many interviews are since in person interviews were a big no-no during COVID's peaks.  They COULD do an in person interview, but I'm not bother as I come across just as good on a phone call as I do in person.  So that morning I get ready for work with everything prepared except my clothes.  Since this is just voice, I don't need my shirt and tie on.  I'm sitting in front of the computer with my headset on and a t-shirt and jeans.  Three minutes before the interview is to start I bring up the email and read over it again.  For the first time I see the sentence:

"...and ensure that your camera is on."

OH SHIT!

Not only am I not dressed for an interview, I DO NOT HAVE A CAMERA ON MY COMPUTER! 

I take 30 seconds to calm myself then spring into action.  Still in the call, waiting for them to join, I leave the headset on and get a shirt on.  I only button one button before putting the tie on.  I whip it into a knot that leaves the bottom far to short, but it's going to be framed out so who cares.  I add a tie bar that will hold it in place as well as holding the shirt closed underneath it.  A quick glance in the mirror says I look fine.  Next up is setting up Microsoft Teams on my phone.  I need to download the app, set it up, get into it, then move to the email to get the join code... and hopefully have access to the camera!  

While setting up the app, they join.  The first thing they do is ask me to turn my camera on.  I only froze for a second as I weighed honesty vs a ploy.  The ploy won out as I didn't want to admit to what came down to "I didn't read the entirety of the important email that you sent me which you can extrapolate to me not reading important things and possibly putting my patients into danger".  Yeah, lying is appropriate at this time.  

My answer actually benefited from my pause.  "Umm... it says it IS on.  You can't see me?"

I played that game for a bit while I got my phone all set up.  I told them I could see them and that I could even see my preview image, but that it wasn't letting me send it.  They offered some suggestions which I just gave long enough pauses before replying "Okay, how about now?" knowing damned well there was no camera.   

Finally, when I saw that the Teams app on the phone would utilize the camera, I told them that I'd try with my phone  "...but understand, I've done this on my computer before.  I haven't done it with my phone so the camera quality might not be the best." 

It worked.  My image came up, I took the headset off, canceled out of the call on the computer, and had the interview.  I've done these interviews before.  I obviously was interviewed several times before landing my current Nurse Manager job, but I also interviewed someone FOR the job.  So it wasn't too surprising that I knew most of the questions.  The only thing I wondered is if I got the answers right.  'Right' meaning the answers that they were expecting and wanted.  

And like a good poker game, the main person interviewing me gave me the perfect 'Tell'.  On the first question I was giving my basic answer when halfway through, when I got the point, she gave a big silent nod.  I felt a twinge, but didn't want to believe my luck, so I tried it out on the next question.  I started answering with a story that wasn't really relevant but eventually came back to the answer.  As soon as the right answer left my mouth, she repeated the big nod.  I now knew that if I didn't get a nod, I could keep going until I got the answer that she was looking for.  It might look bad that I took longer to get to 'The' answer, but that's better than NOT getting to the answer.  

Most of my interviews (interviewing nurses and nurse managers as well as being interviewed) lasted about 20 to 30 minutes.  This interview went for 55.  And I think that's a good sign as we were all smiling, chatting, and I even had them laughing.  Sure, I could have misread it entirely, but I honestly got a really good vibe from the two important people in the interview panel.  The third one was nice enough, but it was obvious she didn't have any interviewing experience.  I don't know if I impressed her and honestly, I don't care if I impressed her.  

They said they'd get back to me within 2 to 4 weeks.  Fortunately, I know how the system works and will have a good idea before then if I'm getting the job.  How it works is they interview all the candidates, then pick out the two top ones.  They then proceed with their top candidate, confirming their resume and contacting their professional references.  If it all checks out, they then make an offer.  If it's accepted, they then contact all the rest of the interviewees and let them know they've gone with someone else.  If the first candidate doesn't check out (resume or references) or doesn't accept the job, they move on to candidate 2 and start over.  Thats why it can take 2 to 4 weeks.  But that's where I have two big advantages.  

First advantage is that my references all know I'm going for the job and will let me know if/when they're contacted.  If they're contacting them, then I'm in.  It would be a done deal as they'll all back me up and my resume has already been gone over to get me hired in my current position (which is the same position, just a different department). 

Second advantage is what I mentioned above.  This is a continuous position.  They aren't hiring a single candidate.... they're hiring ALL of the candidates that are good enough.  If they had me and two other good candidates, then we'll all get checked out and get offers.  They'd end up with three new nurse managers. 

So, with as good as I feel I did in the interview, with the fact that my resume hasn't changed and got me an equivalent job before, and with the fact that I had the primary interviewer showing me her hand with every answer (and me getting the passing grade nod each time), I think I'm in.  I'd wager money that by mid June, I'll be stating my new job (and possibly sooner than that).  

That's obviously the biggest 'light', but other things are looking up too.  For instance, one big advantage of working all those extra shifts is if course extra money.  I've paid my credit cards down significantly and am now working on paying mom's car off sooner.  

Another light is my weight.  I'm not vain in the sense that I have an ideal look or weight to shoot for.  I simply want to be healthier.  Well, I'm down to below 240 pounds.  I haven't been this weight since soon after college.  And more than the weight itself, my size is down.  I've, no joking or exaggerating whatsoever, had to replace every single pair of pants and all of my work shirts.  I'm in the process of finding replacements for my casual shirts, but I'm fairly particular.  

Another light is my computer monitor.  I'm consuming most of my entertainment on my computer now a days and that means my monitor is my TV.  Well, it was great when I got it six years ago but the technology was a year old at that time making it 7 years old.  7 year old comuter monitor technology isn't all that great for TV viewing.  What makes it particularly more difficult is moving from an OLED TV.  I'm not trying to be a graphics snob, but if you haven't experienced watching TV on an OLED, then you haven't experienced real TV.  Those blacks make all the difference in the world.  So I wanted that for a computer monitor and it just so happens that Dell has the first QD-OLED computer monitor.  It's the same size and resolution as my wide screen (34 inch 3440x1440 21:9 widescreen).  It is the ONLY OLED that's not a professional grade (i.e. thousands and thousands of dollars).  It was about what I wanted to spend ($1399) but it came with a problem.  Yes, it was on sale, but the expected delivery was June. Fucking June.  

While watching videos on monitors I came across several in the last year of LG's 48" OLED TV.  It uses HDMI 2.1 which if you have a 30 series Nvidia graphics card (I do!) means it can display 4K at up to 120 frames per second.  Realistically, I play at 70-90 frames per second on a monitor that tops out at 75 frames per second, so this is just cake and more future headroom.  It of course looks gorgeous while consuming content.  BUT... forty eight freaking inches?  That's HUGE.  Then I saw that LG was putting out a 42" version of that screen this year.  Still big, but if you were to cut out the middle 21:9 portion, it would be the same size as my current monitor.  In other words viewing widescreen movies wouldn't get smaller.  And with OLED, the 'black bars' above and below the video would be truly black.  

I did my measurements and saw that 42 inches would fit.  It even was going to sell for the same $1399.  Then I find out that it won't be available until May.  AND, where it's already available (Japan, UK, Australia...) it's soldout within minutes with a weeks long waiting list.  Fuck.  

I held off.  Seriously, I held off for at least 3 weekends.  I was even considering buying a substandard widescreen monitor that had a lot of bells and whistles for $2499... just because I had an itch to get something new.  Then one Saturday morning as I started to watch Star Trek Picard, I couldn't stop focusing on the 'black' areas.  They were dark grey.  Not black.  I went out to the TV and watched a bit on the OLED and it was gloriously black... but Mom wanted to watch TV and the same problem came up where I'm not going to push her off of it and will let her push me off (she doesn't push, I just accept that she doesn't want to watch what I'm watching and let her have it).  

One check of Best Buy's website and a phone call to confirm showed me that there was a 48" OLED TV 30 miles away.  For $999.  That afternoon I'm staring at this monstrosity sitting in front of me.  It's absolutely gargantuatn.  It would be better if I could push it back to the wall, but I have built in shelving above my desk that doesn't allow for that.  If I'm sitting up at the edge of the desk it's only 18 inches away from my face.  I have to not only turn my head to see the corners, I have to crane my neck to do so.  Watching 'TV' I push my chair back and it's fine.  Gaming I do the same ting.   Web browsing and such is just accepting that I'm not 'seeing' most of the screen.  

And I'm happy.  There's only one real problem and one possible problem.  The real problem is the 'local dimming'.  LG doesn't want to have burn in like you'd get on a TV.  So when it sees something not moving for awhile (like the network logo in the corner of the screen), it will dim that area.  Well, when I'm typing or reading or doing something fairly static, it will dim the entire screen.  It's noticeable.  VERY noticeable.  It's not a problem when gaming or watching TV, but role playing, writing, web browsing... it's a pain.  The possible problem is the reason I don't turn that off... burn in.  I have my desktop icons on and they never move.  They could burn in.  Depending on the brightness, my web browser, sitting in the center of the screen could burn in.  Anything static could.  So I'm a little paranoid about that.  

But I love that paying off debt, having to get new clothes because I'm losing so much weight, and adore my new monitor.  

None of this makes up for how I feel at work.  I still find it hard to get out of bed to get into work.  I woke up this morning at six am and was bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start the day after only 6 hours of sleep.  Yesterday I had to drag myself out of bed at seven thirty am and felt like I could sleep for another four hours.  That was after 8.5 hours of sleep.  The difference was me going to work yesterday and me having today off.  I still don't get much done at work and I still get in trouble for not getting it done.  

But there's light around the corner.  There's light at the end of the tunnel.