Dark Thoughts

I'm feeling low.  Very low.  I knew that work was going to catch up as there's just no way to keep a smile on your face with everything exploding around you.  One step forward and two steps back?  Yeah.  For two years.  We're more than 'a few steps back' now.  I can't imagine seeing 'even' now, let alone see it on the horizon.  This is going to be life for the foreseeable future.... and dear Goddess, I don't know if I can take it. 

I never like saying I'm strong, but this is making me feel absolutely weak.  I need help and I don't even know where to go for it. Mom?  My brothers R and B?  My friends J, A, and E?  My boss K?  My co-supervisor M?  The nurses that I supervise?  

• Mom has her own problems going.  She can't breathe.  Any problem I have pales in comparison.  
• R?  He just quit his job.  He has a nest egg of tens of thousands of dollars he can sit on, but he still went through a major life issue.  Besides, his answer to most things is 'burn the motherfucker down'.  Not horrible advice now, but that doesn't make it good. 
• B?  After him moving in for a few months, us moving out to my Aunt's/Cousin's house for almost a year, then moving back 'home' for a few months, he's finally on his own.  He has his own problems with his kids, with his wife, and with his own job.  
• J?  She's going through long COVID.  She probably needs my help more than I need hers... but I'm running on fumes and I have no help to give. 
• A and E?  Fuck... I just don't want to admit I'm this down.  This weak.  This broken at a core level.  
• K?  She's nice enough, but if I'm doing task A, I get yelled at for not doing task B.  If I do task B, I get yelled at for not doing task A.  I don't mean yell... but it's clear there's no pleasing her.  And I've already admitted I can't do this to her... she didn't have an answer. 
• M?  She has one and a half feet out the door for her new job and is pissed that she was held back as is.  Whenever we talk she has a bitter laugh and just says "I'm so over it".   I can't blame her.  
• The nurses I supervise?  Yeah... I'm going to let my bleeding heart out on them when one of the problems I have is mandating them to more and more shifts.  That's the slave master complaining about his wrist hurting to the slave he's whipping.  

That's it.  I don't know anyone else close enough that I could complain to.  Even to unload.  Just 'get it off my chest'.  

Most of the things that have me down are people trying to get away from work.  Trying to get away from me doing my job... mandating them.  And I'm so at the end of my rope that I'm becoming bittter toward people that have honest to god problems and lump them in with the people that don't have problems.  

One nurse is fighting to get a medical restriction so that he can only work 8 hours at a time.  Well, that just doesn't work and now two weeks into his fight, I'm fairly sure we won't see him back until he has surgery on his knee.  One more nurse down making it harder on everyone else. 

Another nurse's mother is dying.  She's dying of the same cancer that took my father.  Small cell carcinoma.  It's a vicious mean vile cancer and it's bitten her mother just like it did Dad.  Her mom went into hospice and she asked for some time off to be there with her.... I said yes before she even finished asking.  We agreed she'd take the remainder of the week and the weekend, but she'd be back Monday.  I told her if she needed more time to just let us know.  Well... Monday morning she didn't show up for work.  It turns out she sent an email out Saturday night saying she was requesting FMLA to stay with her Mom.  I had to cover her shift on Monday.  I had to beg someone to take her shift on Tuesday.  I'm probably going to have to cover her shift on Friday.  And I'm cursing her name... but she's just trying to be with her dying mother.  What kind of monster does that make me?  

Another nurse left this morning.  She wasn't feeling well, was vomiting, had a bloody nose, and a major headache.  They took her blood pressure and it was practically off the scale.  They sent her to the ER.  I would have done the same thing.  But they didn't replace her.  They didn't call any nurses to fill her shift in or even let me know that I'd have to fill in for her.  Instead I show up right at the beginning of medline with a nurse that I work well with saying "I've got this". He ran TWO medlines to cover for her.  He's good enough to do it, but he never should have been given the chance.  Who did he report to?  My boss.  What did she do?  She thanked him for working so hard.  

Fuck... we just showed all the overworked nurses that we don't need all of them all the time.  Now me mandating them is WORSE.  And that's where my head stayed at instead of the nurse that went to the ER.  

The shift I had to run last night was rough.  Not bad or dangerous, just a lot of extra work thrown in.  I got it all done, but I had to stay an hour past the closing of the clinic to get my documentation done.  I started driving home at 11PM after working for 12 hours with no break, no cigarette, no food.  I was so late that the local McDonalds closed.  I normally would have picked up a couple McDoubles that I could eat while I drive.  I get back to my home town as fast as I can because the McDonalds there closes at midnight.  That way I can get some fast easy hot food to wolf down before diving into bed.  It closed early.  I heated up some leftovers but the day had me so down that it tased like ash.  

My alarm goes off at 730AM every day.   I had three separate nightmares last night, each pulling me from whatever sleep I was having.  Bad nightmares that I couldn't remember but made me feel violated and horrible and made it hard to get back to sleep.  So when the alarm went off I felt like I'd just laid down to go to sleep.  I set it so that I'd get another half hour of sleep, knowing I could cut that off my morning emails and web reading... but I must have turned off that alarm without knowing it as I woke up hours later.  HOURS.  

I'm supposed to be in to work at 1130AM.  I try to get there as close to 1100AM as possible.  Today I got into work closer to 1PM.  And you know what slack I got for it?  What hell my boss rained down on me?  What disdain I took from the nurses I supervise?   

nothing

No one noticed.  If they did notice, they just didn't care.  That's the worth I have at work.  I'm valued so much that it doesn't even register if I'm late or not showing up.  

I've been in a dark mood ever since.  Dark as in self hating, self loathing, wondering what I'm doing with my life and what value I bring to anybody.  Dark.  

I don't think I'm considering suicide... but the thought has crossed my mind.  To be honest though, the main thing that comes to mind when it crosses my mind is that I don't want to 'lose' to it.  I don't consider the good things in my life because I'm having a hard time coming up with anything good.  The good things I do make me feel guilty for what I'm NOT doing at work.  I played a game this weekend... and after a few hours I just felt guilty knowing I'd mandated two nurses to work when I could have at least picked up one of those shifts.  So I'm not living for the good, I'm living for spite.  Just how long can that last though?  

I hurt.  And hurting makes me feel weak which just makes me hurt more.  I'm afraid just how far down this spiral I can go.  

I wanted to rant a bit and get this off my chest, but I guess that's not going to happen.  Don't be overly concerned about me.... I ain't going out yet.   My normal 'not being here and not posting' will just be the normal 'stuck at work' thing.  If I am going to turn out the lights, I like to think I'd have enough integrity to stay goodbye.