A good friend reached out on Discord to say hey and see how I was doing. She mentioned reading my 'Work and Nursing' post and that inspired me to go back and read it as that must have been months ago. Nope. 7 weeks. Work had come to dominate my life. My daily and weekly routines are so far off that I sometimes don't know what day it is until I look at a calendar. You'll probably see that as a pattern in this update.
Health
On the good side, I'm continuing to lose weight. Back when I first saw my endocrinologist in January of 2020 I weighed in at 287 pounds. I later confirmed that on a scale at work (I say that so that you know any weight reductions aren't from a scale change). In April I was already down to 263 pounds. I was over the moon ecstatic as that had me returning to my 'normal' weight. I've hovered between 260 and 270 pounds since starting as a nurse in 2013. But I kept losing. In July I was 258 and in October I was 251. You can see that it slowed down.
Now, at that October visit he doubled my Ozempic dose. I wasn't sure if my weight loss was primarily due to the Ozempic or the Farziga he'd started me on back in January of '21 so I had a little hope that I'd continue to lose weight. In November I weighed... 255. Damn. I hadn't weighed myself since then and figured my new normal would just be 10 pounds lighter. Between 250 and 260. I can't complain as that's still really really good.
But then I just randomly weighted myself in January and saw I was down to 248. Nice! And this past week? 237. That's a huge HUGE number for me as it means I've now lost 50 pounds and am 30 pounds under my 'normal' weight. But then again, if I'm to look at the cloud inside the silver lining, I might just be losing more weight from a combination of depression and work stress.
I told you that almost everything would fit into that pattern.
The pattern continues as I had to put off some dental work. I just can't afford to take the time off work and my dentist wants to get in there and do some major fillings (numbing up my whole mouth). I know people that work with their mouth numbed, but I'm not one of them. That kind of work means I take the day off.
I am also overdue for my eye exam. I have no complaints regarding my vision, but I AM diabetic and should get the peepers checked out once a year for diabetic retinopathy. Yeah... that aint gonna happen.
Finances
I've actually done really well these past few weeks. I've paid off one of my credit cards! I'd put myself on a payment plan that would have it paid off around June, but it's out of my hair. I'm doing well enough that I'll be putting a big hit into my other credit card. I've also made no major purchases since my last post and honestly, can't think of anything I'm looking forward to buying. I played around with the idea of buying another computer just to get a newer video card and let my nephews part out my current system (one would get a great system with their substandard video card while the other would get a badass video card with their substandard system). BUT, I barely have time to play games as is and Nvidia is likely to put out their new 4000 cards this year. Why pay $4000 (yea, I priced it out) now for a computer/video-card that I'll want to replace in a year?
I did overpay for a new 'thing'. I've been using either Android Auto or Apple Car Play for awhile now and absolutely love it. My music is always with me as well as my podcasts. When I drive to work I can just use the screen to flip between the two in addition to having Google be my navigation whenever I want it. Android Auto also gives me access to the Assistant which is great for mid commute questions or notes. The only complaint is hooking up the phone. I have yet to find a cable that lasts. If I've purchased one I've purchased a dozen cables. I have one that works now, but it's WAY to short and has already started giving me the signs of failure. Newer cars have wireless Android Auto. You step in, your phone makes the standard bluetooth connection to your car, adds a wifi connection, and BAM, you have Android Auto! I even have a wireless charging pad in Tiffany so I could charge my phone and not lose connection! But alas, Ford/Lincoln didn't start using wireless Android Auto until 2021 model years (and then it was just Bronco, F-150, and Mustang Mach-E) and more in 2022.
Enter the Dongle!
There have been a couple startups making wireless Android Auto dongles in the past year but a company using the Motorola name put out one to major retailers early this year and the quick reviews seem to show it working just fine. It takes less than a minute to set up, then turns on faster than hooking up your phone when you start the car. It sells for $90 and is just the perfect buy for me. And of course in these fucking COVID-19 times, it's sold out and likely to remain so for weeks or months.
Fuck this shit. There's someone scalping them on Amazon's marketplace for $270. I'll not only pay that, I'll add the $30 extra to get it within a week. Free shipping gets it to me NEXT Tuesday but I want it here to set up over the weekend as I just won't do it during the week. Too tired/wiped-out from work. There's that pattern again.
$300 is still worth it.
Oh, I should add, I've done my taxes and the returns continue to go down. I haven't changed my deductions at work for decades, but my tax return has shrunk from a high of $2500 to a new low of $230. $200 of that is from the state. My federal tax return is only $30. I MIGHT be PAYING for taxes next year at this rate.
Family/Friends
So, Friday January 7th I had some bad cold symptoms. I actually bought a COVID-19 test before going into work. Yes, even with a cold, I went into work. It didn't get better over the weekend (even though I worked on Saturday), and I finally called off on Monday and Tuesday. At this point both my brother R and Mom had been dealing with a similar cold for a couple weeks. With R and I we both call in to work, but could honestly do our jobs. We call in to not spread it. Mom? Yeah, she just doesn't have the lung capacity to deal with something like this. It's my fear of COVID-19.
Well, that Tuesday it spilled over with Mom. She'd been using her oxygen more and more at the full 5 liters the concentrator can make. On Tuesday she pulled out one of her emergency tanks so that she could crank it up to 6 and 7 liters "just to catch up". I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I have an understanding with Mom that I am not HER nurse. I'll be her son with a nurses knowledge, but not constantly pushing her to take care of her health. She managers her health and I'm here to help.
So inside while she was pulling out her extra oxygen, I'm SCREAMING for her to go to the doctor. To at least CALL the doctor. But I'm not that person, so I just remind her that she's been dealing with this cold for a long time and she could probably get some relief though her doc. She pooh poohed that away, as I knew she would, and went on about the day. By that night she couldn't get out of her chair without at least 6 liters of oxygen. I sat down with her and waited until she caught her breath and took her pulse oxygen.
A quick aside on pulse ox numbers. We should all be near 100% when at rest. Anything below 95% is worrying. As a nurse I honestly start to worry below 96%. COPD makes is so that your pulse ox is naturally lower and Mom has advanced COPD. Her doctor is 'happy' if Mom's pulse ox sits at 89% and only gets worried if it falls below 85%.
Mom's pulse oxygen was 75%.
I might not be her nurse, but as her son I'm going to use every tool in my toolbelt to save her life an I honestly believed that without intervention, Mom was going to die. She wouldn't make it through the night. So I calmly told her that while I wouldn't make the choice for her, she needed to go to the hospital or she'd likely die. It was SO hard saying those words, but it was true.
I won't go play by play, but we got Mom to accept the reality of the situation. The ambulance came and the paramedics were calm and professional, but you could see they were scared AF. R and I got in his car and followed them to the hospital. A shot of steroids, a breathing treatment, some other meds, and an oxygen level of 10 got her pulse ox up to 95% in the ER. They couldn't find anything specifically wrong as she didn't have pneumonia, COVID-19, the flu, or anything else. She just had a cold and had/has NO room to lose that bit of breathing ability. So, they admitted her for observation. BUT, the hospital is so overcrowded with all these stupid ass selfish motherfuckers that can't get a God damned vaccine shot and therefore have COVID-19 so bad that they take up precious hospital beds, that Mom spent 33 hours in the ER.
After the ER and getting a room, Mom spent three days in the hospital. She didn't get 'good' as much as she got over her cold and just got better. Good enough to be released home. They didn't even really change her meds, just switched them from three separate inhalers to one combination.
Mom's seen her doc for the after visit and has an appointment with a pulmonologist, but if I'm remembering it right, that appointment is a month or so away. Damned COVID-19. Oh, and I couldn't spend time with Mom in the hospital past the first ER day. Work fucked me on that one.
That pattern is taking over my life.
I haven't kept up with my friends. My local nursing friend J is still dealing with long COVID and is unable to work. So far as I know A and E are fine, but I haven't talked to them specifically to check in.
Work
Here's the section I could spend hours on, but I'm going to be succinct. Work just sucks so bad right now. We have a system for assigning overtime called the Overtime Equalization List (or OEL). Every hour of overtime you work goes on the OEL. When several nurses bid on an overtime shift the one with the lowest number of hours on the OEL gets it. Reversely, when no one bids on an overtime shift the nurse with the lowest spot on the OEL gets mandated with it. Under normal circumstances I can help the nurses by telling htem to pick the overtime shifts they want as that will get them the hours, move them up the list, and make it less likely they'll get mandated. Under normal circumstances. We're nowhere near normal circumstances. Everybody works, and everybody works a LOT.
The OEL goes for three months and just started over in January. A year ago the nurse with the most hours on the OEL from January to April had about 90 hours of overtime. We have four nurses that currently have over 100 hours and it's not even mid February yet. I have so few nurses that on the afternoon shift if I had every nurse work every day, I'd still be short. I'd still have overtime to fill (voluntarily or mandated).
Another metric we can use is staffing. Our 'full' staffing level is hard to judge as there are RN positions, RN manager positions, LPN positions, and office staff positions. We currently have RCAs taking up some of those, but I won't count them. I also won't count the office staff as none of them can fulfil the clinic needs that the nurses fill.
So just nurses, no managers, RCAs, or office staff, we should have roughly 45. That's about 11 or 12 LPNs with RNs taking up the rest. Right now we have 23 on staff. One is out on an extended medical leave, and one is on 'loan' to another facility. Yes, we're well below half staffed.
I mentioned in my last post that I'd be working shifts on the floor. I am. A lot. I'm a person who likes black and white rules and the only real rule for supervisors taking shifts is that it has to be overtime that no one volunteered for. Obviously almost all shifts now meet that requirement. So which ones do I take? Do I work every day on the floor? I set up in my head this little rule... if I have to mandate three nurses, I'll take one of the shifts.
I don't technically track my hours on the OEL. First, I can't get mandated (except for mandating myself). Second, mine aren't technically 'overtime' hours. It's hours I'm NOT mandating other nurses. It's hours I'm NOT doing my job.
I said that there were four nurses with over 100 hours. Well, I'm above all of them with 130 hours.
Fuck me.
Entertainment
I've become a fan of 'watching' movies that I don't have to pay attention to. I can't turn my head off (part of the pattern) so watching something that I've already seen dozens of times or something that I don't care a lot about is just fine. I've watched the Hobbit movies and am currently going through the Star Wars movies. I'm on A New Hope right now.
Star Trek Disco is back and I'll start watching that again... probably today... with Star Trek Picard following it and evidently Star Trek Strange New Worlds coming almost immediately after. YAY!
The Tire
When I wrote the last post I had a leaky tire. I didn't mention it because what effort does it take to fix a tire? I called up Belle Tire, where I bought them and could get it fixed for free, and found out that they couldn't get it in before Christmas. Or before New Years. I'd have to call in 2022. That's fine. I'd just stop by the gas stations and fill it up at their air stations Sure, it costs between $1.50 and $2.00 but it's just damned convenient and fast to turn the pressure up to what I need (37 psi), hook the hose up, and stop when the machine beeps and says I'm good to go.
Even without the extra hours I've been working, I only have Saturday's to take the tire in. They're closed on Sundays and I just can't expect to get a weekday off. I worked several Saturdays so obviously those didn't work. I also worked several Sundays, which means I need to get all my running around done on Saturday and don't have time to drop my car off for something like this (it could take 10 minutes, it could take 4 hours).
So, I just kept putting air into it. I even changed my dash screen to constantly show the air pressure so that I could monitor it and know in advance before I HAD to fill up the tire. With all the stops to fill it up, I probably paid close to $100 in air.
Yesterday was the first chance I had to get it fixed. Turns out it was a nail and easily fixed. For free. The alignment was $130 with a one year warranty, but still cheaper and more convenient to NOT have to worry about the tire all the time. Fucking pattern is fucking up even getting my car fixed!
Just Dance
I obviously haven't had the chance to sit down and write.... but I did get some good advice from several people. Hold it loosely, think of the ending, and see if anything comes of it.
I didn't get an ending specifically, but got a scene in my head. If you don't want to spoil the story, read no further as I'm going to talk about what will almost surely become the end of the Just Dance.
still here?
good, let's go!
The image I got in my head was our heroine lying belly down on a bed. White blanket and sheets clenched tightly in her hands as she looked up into a morning window and wondered how she got here. She'll think of some of the steps but it will be interrupted by her boyfriend pushing into her well lubed rear, taking her virginity back there.
For awhile, I just enjoyed the scene. I played around with various thoughts Andi would have. From hating what was happening, to loving it. The perfect place seemed to be somewhere in between. She didn't want to be 'fucked' but was enjoying being girly for her boyfriend and this was the natural conclusion.
Thankfully, going through all these considerations and thoughts and imaginations got me to how she got there.
I'm at a point in the story where Andi is being blackmailed into his femininity. Specifically one of the casting directors, Mr Crimson, is wanting Andi to show off a romantic relationship with the male dancer Damon. He, Mr Crimson, even goes so far as to demand a sexual relationship to keep Damon interested in Andi. He's forcing her to give him a blowjob (yay!).
I'm thinking after the initial BJ, the dance team will win their way into the last few shows where Mr Crimson has no control over Andi. But when he pulls something (not sure what, but it will be simple) and keeps control, pushing Andi to do more than he's able (vaginal sex?) she admits her problem to her friend Merry. Merry takes it to Judy who along with Damon, work to get Andi out of the situation. In the meantime, Judy (remember, she's the dance troupe leader and really DOES want to win) is still pressuring Andi to stay with Damon... just not pushing her to have sex. But now that the first BJ has occurred, Andi can't work out a way to stop them and they're a normal part of their dates.
Anyway, at one point Damon and Andi talk as he does want to have sex and not just a BJ. Andi uses the "I'm a virgin and don't want to give my virginity away until my wedding" excuse with Damon slyly using the "Hey, if you do BJs, then there are exceptions... Anal would keep you a virgin!" exception. They finally make a bet that if they win the competition Andi will let Damon take her anal virginity. She makes that bet because she knows that by even trying to break out of Mr Crimson's grip, he'll make sure they lose. She can agree with her boyfriend all without risk.
BUT, they DO get out of Mr Crimson's grip. Again, I'm not sure how (blackmail him back?) but he lets go of his control and leaves them as is. They're not legitimately in the competition.
Obviously, with where I started, you know that they would win and Andi would have to live up to her and Damon's bet.
Now there's a lot of things in that little bit of synopsis. There's still a lot of ways this could derail... but I like the idea. I like the emotional journey Andi goes on. He's feeling more and more feminine and accepting it as part of him/herself. Even accepting the feelings Damon has for him and the feelings he/she has for Damon. The BJs can be 'bad' at first, but can become something that not only pushes her further into femininity but also becomes something she enjoys. She enjoys making her boyfriend happy and realizes he's so attracted to her that he wants to have this act done and even wants more.
I was at the 'near rape' scene in the club with Andi and had been stuck there for weeks... months. But I've changed some of it and written past it now. I think I'm in a place where I can continue.
Another word on my weight
I mentioned that I've lost quite a bit of weight. Between writing that, ordering and eating breakfast, setting up my pills, setting up my shopping (don't have to go shopping today!), starting my laundry, and doing my Mom's taxes, I remembered there was something else I wanted to talk about regarding the weight. Clothes.
I recall soon after high school, when I started concerning myself with buying my own clothes, that my pants were 32x32. I remember really liking that they were the same. That was when I was 220 pounds. Well... I gained a LOT of weight that first year of college and continued into my second year. By my first year at Ferris my pants size had changed to 40x30. My waist had actually gained more than 8 inches, but I wore my pants lower, hence my 'shorter' legs. I grew 2 more inches after high school but most of it was in my torso.
Eventually, I don't recall when exactly, that size changed to 42x30 and has remained the same since then. As my weight fluctuated higher and lower, the pants would be tighter and looser but I didn't refused to change the pants size. That pants size stayed the same for my slacks at work. My scrub pants were 2XL Tall and my scrub tops were 4XL Tall. The scrub tops were very hard to find and most of my scrubs came from some odd company that stopped making them soon after I got a decent collection.
Fast forward to the weight loss and I've noticed it in all of my clothes. I think I mentioned some time earlier how I had to resize all of my watches. My wrists are actually smaller. The ring I've worn since early college, my Father's gold insignia ring, doesn't fit any more. It'll just slide off. My shirts are very baggy which I don't really mind, but I can now purchase smaller sizes and have them fit, I'm sure. The big issue has been pants. I noticed it first in my jeans. I wear the same Levis 550 jeans that I've worn since early college. Like I said above, they'd sometimes fit a little tight and they'd sometimes fit a little loose. Well... they now fall off my hips. I mean, there is nothing holding them up. Even with my belt cinched TIGHT, there is so much extra material that they don't stay up. More and more over the past year I've had to stop what I'm doing and just hitch up my pants. It gets even worse when I've worn them for a day or so and they get more relaxed.
The work slacks are the same. They just fall down and when the belt is pulled almost painfully tight, they still sag below the belt. So over the past few weeks I bought new slacks. I was happy to return to 40x30. And... um....no. No, those are too big as well. The same is true for the jeans. This past week I got delivery of two new pair of work slacks and two new pair of jeans, all at 38x30. And they fit wonderfully!
For the scrubs? Well, it's been 3 years since I wore those. All of my old scrubs were really kind of tore up and nasty so even if they fit fine, I'd need new ones. I bought a couple tops as I figured the pants would fit just fine. I couldn't find 4XLT so I got 5XL (the 5X got me an extra inch of length which was an inch less than the 4XLT). And yeah, they were like wearing a pup tent. The V neck of the scrubs came half way down my chest. I literally looked like a child wearing an ill-fitting costume.
I did some scrub shopping and found that I like the Cherokee brand (I've worn their pants before and like their cargo like scrub pants). You know what size top fits? 2XL Tall. And the XL pants I got are still a little loose.
I am seriously, no joke, a LOT smaller than I was just a couple years ago.
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