I wrote yesterday about how I don't think I'll ever be a father. One thing I thought about but didn't explore at all was missing the pride a father can feel for his children. I've talked a bit before how I try to make my father proud even beyond his years on earth.... but am I? Are my brothers? I guess that depends on what would make my father proud. Would he value financial success? Would he value personal relationships? Would he value personal growth? Would he value the caring for others? Would he value the continuation of family? Would he value being right? How about righteous?
Lemme just explore this a bit. Let's take my brothers first.
R.
Financially R is in a tough spot. He has a decent job now and is coming up on having that job for a year. By R's own estimation he is close to having 'enough'. While B and I almost constantly dream about having more... about being millionaires, R dreams about having a nice little home, a car that runs, and enough money to maintain those things. He doesn't quite make enough money for those things, but through years of living with almost nothing R also has almost no debt. I was surprised to learn that his savings are more than my own. But then again while I have about $2800 a month in bills, R has around $400 a month in bills.
So when I think of it in those terms, I guess Dad would be proud of R's financial health. R's personal relationships are almost the exact opposite of Dad's. R doesn't make a lot of friends. Well... R doesn't make friends. He's almost constantly had one friend, but that friend is a different person over time. Right now it's our neighbor. Dad on the other hand had a lot of friends. If you met him and weren't his friend, then you'd be his friend soon enough. I could say that Dad wouldn't be proud of R's personal relationships but Dad also respected other people living up to their own personal ideals, and R is doing that.
R's personal growth? Well... here we hit a stumbling block. R is incredibly slow to change, and therefore experiences personal growth very VERY slowly. R does care for Mom. More than I do. R took over Dad's role of maintaining the house and the car. He cares for Mom more than he cares for himself, and I think Dad would be incredibly proud of R for that.
R doesn't have children and does not want children. R has never wanted children.
B.
Financially B is in a... weird spot. Especially when you compare it to how Mom and Dad had their finances. For Mom and Dad, Dad worked and earned the vast majority of their money. He wasn't only working for their money, he was working for their retirement. That's the main reason he stayed in the military reserves so long.... those big fat government benefits. Mom worked a bit on the side, but she managed the money. At any given point I'd wager that Dad had no idea how much money he had. But the mortgage, car payment, credit card bills, Christmases, birthdays, school supplies, vacations, food, and other miscellaneous spending items were all paid on time.
B's wife earns the lions share of their money. Now where Mom could have not worked and still managed our family's finances just fine, B also has to work. Their combined income is just more than enough to finance their family... so their savings are low and when a tragedy happens, it is a real blow to their finances.
B has a good group of friends. He values their relationships and doesn't take them for granted. He is also invested in the relationships of his children.
B, like R, changes ever so slowly. His opinions are like concrete... they CAN change but only by being completely smashed apart first. I can't think of any significant way that B has experienced personal growth since Dad passed away.
B does care for others. His mother in law, after the death of her husband, has had a hard time. While B doesn't make a lot of money, he shares a lot of it with her. He buy's her diabetes supplies and glasses. He makes sure her car is repaired, and he takes her on vacations. She has four children of her own, and her Son-In-Law financially does the most to support her. And of course B cares for his own family. His children want for very little, and most of the things they want for are 'keep up with the Joneses' type things.... 'I want an XBox One, I want a new iPad, I want cooler clothes, I want a car...'. Those are the types of wants that everybody will always have.
Continuation of family? Well B hasn't had any more children since Dad passed away but he has offered up the ONLY continuation of my father's genetics. So yeah, I think Dad would be proud of that.
Me.
Financially... well I'm a tale of two cities. I make good money. I have so much debt that I couldn't afford to live on my own. I could probably squeeze by, but I pushed a lot of my newfound money toward Mom and helping her out. With that money gone, I let myself overspend on other things. Yes, I do live with Mom and that doesn't look to change any time soon... but financially I'm not reliant upon her. If she passed away I could take over the bills of the house (taxes, insurance, repairs, home improvement loan), and even add to them (smallish mortgage), and be just fine.
Dad was often an 'in the moment' type guy, and I think he'd be particularly proud when I shared my check with him. I make more than he did before he retired.
Personal relationships? I'm certainly not Dad. I make friendships slowly. But I value my friendships a lot and nurture them.
Personal growth? Yeah... I've grown. I've grown a lot more confident in myself. I think I can also say I've grown more accepting of other's opinions. I really REALLY don't like calling someone wrong even when I wholeheartedly disagree with them.
Caring for others? I care for Mom. I'm her health helper (I'm not her care giver... that's a big difference). I help her out financially whenever I can, and I try to focus her attentions back on herself. I've also cared for R, although with his job now he doesn't need that financial aid I gave him for a year or so.
Continuation of family... well just read the previous post. No... I think Dad would want me to have children even at the older age I am. He would respect my decision and would probably even understand it... but my position wouldn't bring him any pride.
I think Dad would be proud of some things from each of his boys. But as I was writing this I realized something... the thing that he would be most proud of.
None of us would ever have brought him shame.
None of us are bad people. We haven't committed bad acts. We all love, and we are all loved. And I think above all else... Dad would have been proud of that.
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