As you probably know, when I game I use my headset. That way I can have the volume up enough to block out the rest of the world and not bother everybody else in the house.
I had blocked out the rest of the world enough that when my brother R came in to tell me supper was ready he actually had to grab my shoulder to pull my attention away. I hadn't heard him knock. I hadn't heard him open the door. I hadn't heard him step in. I hadn't heard him call my name several times.
I also hadn't heard my brother B stop by with his kids for a visit. That really sucked as I was just thinking that day that I hadn't talked to B in quite a while. I've been under the weather or had other plans set on my last few days off, so I hadn't gone over for a visit. So missing him and the boys just kinda sucked.
Thankfully he recognized that I WAS home (saw my car there), and he called later that night. He was setting up a game of RISK with his boys and invited me over to join in. I actually really enjoy playing board games. Risk isn't exactly one of my favorites, but it's a game his kids can more or less play and doesn't consume an entire weekend in the same way that Axis and Allies can. So I drove on over and joined in.
My only intent of the evening was having an enjoyable time with my brother and his kids... but it turned into a lesson on thinking about the future. B and I have played many games of Risk in various groups. If you know the game, then you know there are several basic strategies, and your success or failure can really depend on where you start out. I ended up with most of my armies scattered about Asia with a small fortification in Australia and Africa. B had most of his armies end up in North and South America.
Quick aside; as with most people I talk about here I'll refer to my nephews by their first initial. J is the older at 13, Z is the younger at 11. B's other child is A. A is his daughter and she has proved to be a very smart girl. She takes after B's side of the family. J and Z are... well they're not the sharpest knives in the drawer. They're family so I of course love them, but they most definitely take after B's wife's side of the family. A, being a teenage girl, had no desire to play a board game with her dad, her brothers, and her uncle.
OK... J ended up with the majority of Europe as a starting point, while Z had almost all of Africa to himself.
Before we did anything more than setting the pieces on the board I saw the game going like this: B would take over South America and defend it well. He would then slowly and methodically take over North America, giving him the most easily defended area of the board and seven additional armies every turn. J would try to capture Europe, but unless he was VERY flush with luck he wouldn't ever get it defended enough to make an impact.
The real tipping point of the game would be in the first few rounds. I would take over Australia and get my small defensible area, and then would fight Z for Africa. If he won, I would be forced to play the Asia game against all three (B coming in from Alaska, J coming in from Europe, Z coming in from Africa). If I won, I could focus my attention on taking B out of South America and hopefully disrupt him enough to keep him from taking over North America.
Z won the first few rounds. The dice were NOT my friend on those initial battles. Eventually I had to admit defeat and solidify Australia. J was busy trying to take and keep Europe, Z focused on holding Africa and coming after me.... and B slowly and surely built up and held onto his gains. A couple hours into the game and B held The America's with an Iron first. He had massive armies and a treaty guarding his three entry points. I was stuffed away in the other corner and couldn't even consider coming after him.
Now during the entire game, B and I would both help the boys make their decisions. At first we were simply laying out different options. As children, both J and Z have problems looking past the next choice. They're pretty good about taking in what the current situation is, and making a decision on their next move, but they don't look at the big picture. They aren't considering what the other player's are trying to do, let alone what their goal should be for the next five moves.
So at that point in the game, B and I started giving tutorials on how to look past the 'NOW' and to take the 'Long Game' look. What do they want to do? What do they think the other players want to do? How do they get the other players to help them get what they want. How to read the other players actions and try to guess (hopefully an educated guess) what their plans are.
I think this lesson could have worked well for J... he's just mature enough to think big picture. Z is still a little young and he is lead by the 'NOW' decision. Sadly, J was screwed. B was big enough that he could slowly snipe J's plans away and never let him get that Europe handhold. As he never got the additional armies to defend his gains, he just kept losing a bit more each turn. He got all of Europe three times, but never held it for an entire round.
B is... well he's competitive. He has a very hard time putting his competitive side away and letting his children learn. As such, he has never lost a game of Risk with his boys. I finally was able to use that as a teaching moment for Z. You see, he never considered the possibility to his Dad losing. The natural conclusion for a game of Risk was simple... Dad wins. The game he and J would therefore play is who would be the last to stand up against Dad. Therefore his playing was the same this time... even though he could get in and take out 'Dad', he was coming after me and letting 'Dad' slowly build and build and build.
Just after an apocalyptic battle between Z and I (I won.. but the victor was bitter as the majority of my army was in ruin), I gave Z my basic premise; we fight each other and lose to his Dad, or we team up and possibly beat him. The wonder in his eyes was magical. I could see the wheels turning... 'We could... BEAT DAD!'.
An hour or so later and the board was in ruin. I held Australia, the majority of Asia, a bit of Europe, and had a big army routing through the America's. Z had taken the brunt of B's attack as he stood between B and I in Africa, and it really would have come down to the luck of the die and time. Sadly that was at 3 AM and I had to call it quits. The game had (at my guess) at least another three hours in it.
Now I certainly enjoyed playing the board game. I got to chat with brother and converse with my nephews. But the best part of the night BY FAR was teaching his kids. Yes... I was giving them lessons on how to play Risk. But these are the very lessons that go WELL beyond a board game. Assess the situation. Take into consideration what other people want and see how their plans will intersect with your plans. Make both long term goals and short term goals. Try to always succeed at your short term goals while constantly moving toward your long term goals.
Sounds like a lesson in life to me.
I know that even if this lesson worked, neither J nor Z will exactly remember it. But then again...
I remember playing HORSE with my brothers and my Dad. I can't remember my age, but I'd guess somewhere between 10 and 15. I was already learning that I was never going to be an athlete, where both my older and younger brothers had that as a possible future. I was playing HORSE because they were playing HORSE. I was going to lose as I always did during games like this and really saw no problem with trying to cheat. I'd move in closer for a shot, or not jump as high as the previous player did, or even try to distract them. While these cheats were working against my brothers, Dad saw right through them.
At one point as he was showing me how to make the next shot he talked about cheating. About how it wasn't really winning against someone else, but losing against yourself. If you cheat, you never really win. Any victory with cheating is hollow and an honest loss is vastly superior to a dishonest victory.
At the time I just took that lesson as "Stop Cheating and take your loss"... but over time that memory has solidified and magnified in my mind. It's one one of the cornerstones of my entire philosophy. Be Honest. Lying, Cheating, Stealing.... these are concepts which are simply beneath me. I can't win by doing any of these things... I can only diminish myself.
I have no way of knowing if that was Dad's intent. Hell, for all I know Dad was simply trying to make me feel better since I sucked so bad at any basketball (any sport) game. Dad's wisdom wasn't my only guiding light as a child... school, friends, Mom, Grandparents, cousins... all the things in my life helped guide me from innocent childhood into complex adulthood. But Dad's guidance was some of the most important.
Those two thoughts together... helping my nephews learn, and how much I learned from every day tasks with Dad... kind of make me sad. You see, I know I can be an influence upon my niece and nephews... but I'll never be the 'DAD' influence. I don't think B is a bad father. He's not the father I think I'd be, but that alone doesn't make him bad. So he'll always be the clarion call in his children's lives.
And I'll never have that.
The future isn't written. I might meet the love of my life this very day. I might fall madly in love, and have a large family of my own. It's just highly unlikely that anything along those lines will happen. The far more likely scenario, considering where I am in life now and where my natural tendencies will lead me is that I'll never have children of my own. If I am to raise children, I think the likeliest situation would be to marry a woman with children of her own. But even then I'll be the Step Dad. Unless their biological father is a complete asshole or dead, I'd never try to take over that role. So even then... I wouldn't be 'Dad'.
I'll never be Dad.
You can always be the cool uncle! Those guys rule. My uncle built a go kart for me that went almost 30 miles an hour when I was 10, and my mom barely let me ride it. He'd take me on his Harley Davidson chopper and drive REALLY fast (he's also taken my daughter out in his classic Corvette and got it over 120 mph!) He wanted to teach my karate and my mom said no.
ReplyDeleteDo you see the pattern here? Then again, my uncle was also a cocaine addict, and because of that, I stayed clear of drugs to this very day. So yeah, my uncle was a bad ass and taught me some good life lessons.
I can understand though how you feel. My daughter is not my GF's, so she's always been stepmom to her, and though they love each other, they don't quite have the bond that they should, and since my daughter's mom is psychotic, she loves her real mom but can't stand her either. Sounds like you are going through what the GF does on Mother's Day, except she doesn't think she'd have been a good mother because her mom sucked, and she was technically raised by HER aunts.
Other than the smoking, I'd think you'd probably be a good dad since you can be quite meticulous and precise .. things that would definitely be tested if you were a dad!