The observations I'm making in this post are relevant to now. While much or even most of what I say might apply backwards to my days off when I was working years ago, I'm not 100% sure. Those times were more full and I took 'time off' differently than I do now. In other words, this all might be irrelevant once I start up working again. But for now, between not working, not having my migraines, and being depressed about not working, I've found a strange rhythm that I want to think about and write about. Follow along if you'd like.
I'll start this by saying historically, I've 'always' been a night owl. As soon as I didn't have a bed time, I stayed up late. In high school it wasn't strange for me to stay up until midnight even though I'd be getting up at six in the morning for school. And boy, those alarms were ROUGH back then. Thank GOD that was the 80s and those alarm clocks were LOUD and ANNOYING. On days off I'd sleep in late. It wouldn't be strange to see me rolling out of bed at 11 AM on a Saturday.
That fed right into college. I rarely chose early morning classes. If I had a choice between a 9 AM and a 6 PM class, I'd take the 6 PM every time. But at every stop in my early college career, JCC, Ferris State, and LCC, there were early morning classes that I couldn't get out of, so I still struggled with mornings. But overall, my normal 'bedtime' became closer to 2 AM than midnight. That especially became true once I was able to go drinking.
When I was working as a photographer in Chicago I never worked steady enough to get a morning habit. I had a good annoying alarm that would get me out of bed when needed and slept in to all hours of the morning when I didn't need to get up early. Afterward when working as a graphic designer, photographer, and computer tech I was one half of the team that was running the company and the other half was LESS of a morning person that I was. Our 'office hours' started at 1 PM.
My first real hit of mornings was as an Event Photographer. The days in the office were fine as they'd start up at 9 or 10 AM. But the events them selves most often started at 8 or 7 or 6 or even 5 AM. And since we were traveling and staying in hotels, there were multiple people that needed to get up and get ready so we couldn't just roll out of bed and straight into the shower. No, it was get up WAY early.
After that came Truck driving when was no schedule whatsoever. Drive for as long as I was legally able, stop for as long as was legally required. It didn't matter of my 'day' started at 6 AM or 9 AM or Noon or 6 PM or Midnight. After that was more school but nursing school for three years was far more morning heavy. ALL of the nursing classes were scheduled in the morning so that clinicals could occur in the afternoons and evenings.
When I was finally able to start working as a nurse, I thought I was lucky to get an afternoon position. Not only did my day start at 1 PM, I got paid MORE because of the shift differential AND it was considered less desirable so my 'seniority' on that shift grew faster than it ever would have on the early shift. Up until COVID that remained the same. I worked afternoons. COVID fucked it all up once we were hurting for staff and needed the managers on in the mornings, but even then I started the 'late' shift at 9 AM as opposed to the other manager starting at 5:30 AM.
The mental health hospital was back to afternoons and then the migraines made a mockery of schedules for two years.
What I found though in those last few years of working and all through the migraines times was that if left to my own devices, I'd wake up earlier and earlier. I remember having my alarm set for 9 AM on days that I had to be to work at 1 PM. That let me get up, get my coffee, do most things I wanted to get done, have lunch, and get ready for work, all at a leisurely pace. But I started beating my alarm clock, waking up at 8:50. Then 8:30. Then 8:00.
When the migraine time came, it was far more variable as it depended on how I was feeing and how much sleep I had the night before, but on decent days I'd be waking up at 7 AM or earlier.
For most of this year, once my meds set in, I've been waking up between 4 AM and 7 AM. Sleeping in past 7 AM is a rare oddity and often means I either tossed and turned all night or I have a migraine coming on. This holds true at home, on vacation, on the road. I've become a morning person.
So this routine started forming during the migraine time, but it really came into focus this year after the migraines were under better control. I'm going to go over an 'average' day but as I'm sure most of you know, when you don't have a schedule at all it's hard to consider any day 'average'. But this is as close as I can get:
- Wake up - 5:00 AM
- At this point I've more than likely been waking up and going back to sleep for an hour or so. 4 AM, 4:15, 4:30, 4:40, 4:50, and finally say 'fuck it' at 5 and get out of bed.
- Coffee, bathroom 5:05
- After I get dressed and turn the computer on I walk to the kitchen and start my coffee brewing. I use a Keurig style coffee maker and it takes two 'pods' to make my cup of coffee. I get the first one going, go into the bathroom for a morning pee, then come back to the kitchen for a drink of water and the 2nd pod of coffee.
- Early computer 5:10
- After setting my coffee cup down I get settled at my computer. Right now, as it's cold, I put on the hoodie that I wear almost all day. If I've left anything out on my desk that needs to be 'first' I take care of that (particular bills, medical related things, stuff like that...). Most of the time there isn't that so I get the computer up and going.
- The computer has fully booted while I was getting my coffee so logging in is just pressing my finger to the fingerprint reader. I move my VPN window over to where I want it, then open up my programs. What's App, Messages (Text messages from my phone), Chrome, Apple Music. I get Apple Music going then utilize the mini player, having it off to one side.
- E-Mail 5:15
- Email comes first. I love how Gmail does a good job of organizing the mail before I get to it. Most of the things in my inbox are to be read. Newsletters or information about products I actually use. Promotions go into my promotions folder and they get only a glance to see if anything catches my eye from their title or sender, otherwise they get trashed without being read. Finally Social Media, most of those are just glanced at and trashed without reading as they're "So-and-so posted something to Facebook", or "Some person make a Tik Tok you might like".
- I used to finish email by reading the New York Times' Morning edition. It's a great way to catch up on all the previous day's and night's news. BUT, I get up too early now as that normally hits my email box between 6:30 and 7 and I'm barely to 5:30 at this point.
- Either after email or sometime during it, I generally have to go back and use the bathroom for my BM. That's been unfortunately more variable with the new meds, but it's still the most common time for that.
- Games 5:25
- After email I've gotten in the habit of playing some mind games. This started with a way to help me assess how my brain fog was doing with the migraines. These are the New York Times Mini Crossword, Connections, and Strands. Basically if I can do them, I'm not currently experiencing BAD brain fog. If I couldn't do them at all, I was in BAD brain fog and needed to plan accordingly.
- Now a days, I simply enjoy playing the games as they help jump start my mind and it only takes a few minutes.
- Social Media 5:40
- I only use two social media platforms right now.
- Threads is where I get my 'out there' news and a lot of meme style humor. I say 'out there' news as it gives me threads on things that are popular. Headlines sure, but also politics, sports, environment, and even science. Stuff that I might not otherwise come across. Between people that I follow and the algorithm feeling me out on what I like and look at, it's pretty good, informative, and entertaining.
- Facebook is where I get updates on my friends and family. My cousins, my high school class, the nurses I went to school with, the various nurses and corrections officers I've worked with. Plus there are more meme style humor, but i find Facebook's algorithm far lacking compared to threads (which is strange since threads is from meta).
- Lincoln and College Football 6:30
- I have a Lincoln Forum that I read regularly after social media, but it's not every day and only takes a few minutes.
- I end up on the Athletic's College Football page
- Years ago this was seasonal, only during the actual season, and was ESPN but I like the Athletic's coverage better (and now it's part of the NYT's subscription) and there really isn't a 'season' any longer. I read it every day.
- Discord 6:50
- I've used Discord in one form or another for years and years. In the last couple years I've joined my brother's Discord server as he actively hosts 'Divisive' subjects. Politics and Religion. It's an area where we can get in there and debate and argue and even poke fun, all in good humor and with an honest interest in learning and being open. Lately we've had several MAGA people join and try to defend themselves. Unfortunately, they only last a few weeks under the barrage of facts that I tend to bring and use. After about the dozenth time of me asking them to back something up with facts and them being unable to do so, they tend to leave the server. It's a lot of fun!
- More Coffee 7:30
- This is one of the most variable times as it depends on how much activity was happening on the Discord servers. This morning there wasn't much so I was at this point at 7:00. The other day it was closer to 8:00.
- Once I'm done with the Discord, I make sure to get up, stretch my legs, use the bathroom if need be, and get a fresh cup of coffee.
- Normally Mom is up at this point so I'll check in on her. This isn't me quizzing her or doing any kind of formal assessment, but I make sure to look her over, note her breathing, see if she's feeling well or tired or coughing or sneezing, if she's drinking her coffee or having breakfast. I of course say good morning and try to share something with her that I read on Threads or Facebook or the news.
- Prep Caitlyn 7:40
- I make sure I have a page up on the Athletic that looks like I'd be sitting here reading. It's my 'go to' if someone steps in to my room and I need to quickly go back to this desktop.
- I move Discord and Apple Music over to a 2nd Desktop on Widows.
- On this second desktop I open Chrome and log into my Caitlyn account (to help me differentiate, my 'Caitlyn' Chrome is pink while my 'Calvin' Chrome is grey.
- I change my Discord login from my 'Calvin' account to my 'Caitlyn' account
- If I'm in a particular mood, I turn on different music. To be honest though, since these new mental health moods have really kicked in I haven't been in that 'sexy' kind of mood so the music just stays the same.
- Discord 7:45
- While I started using Discord many years ago to voice communicate with friends while playing multi player games, I really came into my own about 4 years ago when I set up a specific account for Caitlyn. This wasn't about gaming at all, it was to join the D+X server. It was to chat with friends. Ever since then I chat far more on Discord in my Caitlyn persona, enough so that its worth Caitlyn having a full Nitro account upgrade.
- While I started with just D+X, I now am a member in about twenty Discord servers. Most are just for me to peek in when I'm interested, like some particular games. Others are creative communities like Rachel's Haven and CHYOA. Others are friend's servers. But by far my most active is still D+X. It's where I share my day more or less. All the fun memes I collected earlier on Threads and Facebook are saved so that I can share them here. I honestly feel bad when I don't get anything fun or funny to share as it's kind of my way of saying 'Good Morning'.
- That being said, all of the Discord servers have been dying off activity wise lately. This used to be a 45 minutes or more just to catch up with conversations. Now, I'm lucky if I spend 10 minutes here.
- Email 7:55
- Caitlyn's email is far easier to maintain compared to Calvin's.
- Blogs 8:00
- Caitlyn's Masks
- I check my main blog to see if anyone has commented. I rarely post anything so I rarely have any comments to go through.
- I also check up on other blogs as I list them here on my own blog. That way its easy to see who has updated. Even this has slowed down lately as most updated come from Saragirl and/or Dee.
- Calvin's Musings
- Like before, I check to see if anyone has commented. I post here far more, but less people read it so there's even less engagement. I also contemplate making a new post, whether an Update or a topic that's on my mind.
- My Tumblr
- I used to post here every other day. Either a new post or a repost of something old. But after I reposted every single post I've ever made, that got old. And I rarely post anything there either. I still stop by to check on engagement.
- Social Media 8:15
- Caitlyn's social media is a lot easier than Calvin's. I use Bluesky here. I still have my Twitter (aintevergonnabeX) but that place has just turned into a cesspool so I rarely even stop by, let alone post there. At Bluesky I post a single cap a day. I started with my first cap and go chronologically. I'm currently up to November of 2012. I also have several artists that I follow there, but if I'm honest I do so silently. I rarely even 'like' posts.
- CHYOA 8:30
- My 'last' stop is to check up on my current story. Currently I'm writing You're Not The Boss Of Me and am on Chapter 70. I normally post every or every-other day. The last chapter I posted right now is 14 days ago. I've been having some trouble.
I split my day here. At least my first split is here. Everything before this is morning. Waking up to starting writing.
My day's regimen starts at 11:00. My brother R makes lunch at that point. As I want Mom to eat regularly, I'm fine eating at that point. Honestly, I'd rather eat later or most times not at all, but I want Mom to eat so I come out and have a family meal at 11:00. Making lunch, serving lunch, cleaning up after lunch, that takes me to Noon.
Noon is shower time. That's from the long time work habit as I'd shower after lunch and then immediately get ready to go to work. That way I was jumping into clean work clothes, working, then coming home and changing into another clean set of clothes. When I'd wake up, I'd wear the same clothes from the night before until the Noon shower. Rinse repeat. Now though, it's just habit.
After the shower I either continue writing or I move into time wasting. And this is what really got me thinking about this post. You see, up until this recent block, I didn't have any trouble in picking up what I started writing in the morning and then writing well into the afternoon. I'd sometimes even write up to dinner and occasionally even finish writing AFTER dinner. But if I didn't start writing in the morning, I don't START writing in the afternoon. Oh, I've tried. It occasionally works, but it's rare. If I haven't kick started that part of my mind, I'm stuck and just to into wasting time.
By the way, wasting time is mostly YouTube or watching whatever show I'm binging, or watching movies. It used to be games, but I rarely game any more and no, I don't know why I don't game more.
The day finishes with dinner around 5:00 PM, then the evening. The evening is still time wasting but for whatever reason it feels more 'formal'. Sitting down to watch television or a specific movie. That carries me through until bedtime which is anywhere between 10 PM and Midnight. I rarely stay up after midnight now a days.
But let's back that up to the break between morning and before lunch. I feel my most creative at that point. That isn't the right word though.... I feel creative later in the day too, but I don't have the oomph behind it to use the creativity. I'll get a lot of thinking about the story I'm writing or the roleplaying I'm doing or the cap I want to make during the afternoon or evening that I'm not writing... but I can't ever seem to translate into actually doing. Creating.
For instance, on the morning of the 22nd I wanted to post an update to this blog. So once I got done at CHYOA, I immediately came back to this blog and started making that Update post. That took me up until Lunch and I finished it just after. I then was able to immediately keep going and started this post. I've had this post in my head for a few days now so I basically had a good portion of it written out. I just needed to put it on the screen in a single narrative and put the pieces together.
To be honest, I was kind of hoping that by writing out my specific morning routines, I'd find something that was setting me up for success. But no, there's nothing special there. And without that creative spark, I'll be honest in saying that the morning is the only time I look forward to. I'm already starting to feel a darkness come over me when I switch gears into Caitlyn mode. It's not from changing into my femme persona... there really isn't a change on MY side of that... it's because I know the morning is close to ending.
I stopped writing the above on the 22nd. I had intended to finish it up and post it, but my depression was getting the best of me and I just felt off. After that, it was full blown Christmas time so I spent time with the family prepping for Christmas, celebrating Christmas, and then cleaning up after Christmas. This morning I don't feel as depressed, so hopefully I'll be able to finish this thought process out and get this posted.
Okay, there were two thrusts to this post initially. Why does my creative energy hit/start in the mornings and why is my depression making my mornings my only happy time.
Let's tackle the depression part as I think it's the easier one. One of the biggest things about depression is being unable to find joy in the things you normally find joy in. I'm finding less joy right now in watching movies or TV or YouTube. My morning routine is just that... routine. It occupies my mind. I can lie to myself and say I'm being 'productive' but it's just occupying my time in a way that isn't completely useless. The games DO mentally stimulate me. The social media DOES keep me up with the world and with my family/friends. But it's not much.
I still have to work on the depression side but that's mostly just getting a fucking job and even thinking about that right now is depressing. Since I'm having a fairly good day (or rather, morning) I'm going to punt that for now and just accept that today might be good. I'll worry about the job tomorrow or next week or into the new year.
That leaves creative energy and that's the more interesting question. Why does my creativity only really strike in the morning. I mean, in the past it wasn't that way. The vast bulk of my capping was done before I was working as a nurse but after I graduated. In other words, I was sleeping in and capping through the afternoon. NOT the morning.
Is it maybe a factor of so many hours after waking? I was sleeping in later then too. Waking up at 7 or 9 or 11 as opposed to 4 or 6 or 7 now.
I will say that I there is a time limit that I put on myself. I want more than an hour of creative time. I mentioned that lunch happens around 11 AM. If I haven't started writing by 10, I'm generally not going to start. Same thing in the afternoon, I won't even try to start something after 4 because dinner comes up around 5.
I think this is just one of those rare times that I have to accept it. I do not know. I don't know why I find my creative energy in the morning. It doesn't make sense and writing this out, thinking it through, hasn't helped. I guess I'll update this if anything changes, but for now.... I'll continue on as is without knowing why.
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