Just so that I don't bury the lead... I'm depressed. Not blue, not down, not in the dumps... I'm depressed. It's affecting just about every aspect of my life. But unlike previous bouts of depression, I'm medicated and it's making a difference. It's... weird. Let's get into it.
A little history on my depression. I believe I've gone through several bouts of depression. To be clear, I'm not talking about being sad or having circumstances like grief and loss make me feel bad. I'm talking about deep down depression.
- High School - High school was tough for me as it is for many kids growing up. There was a lot going on and I have no idea what brought this particular bout of depression on, but it led me to a suicide attempt. I do NOT believe, in retrospect, that it was a serious attempt at killing myself. It was a call for help. Even at that tender age, I knew that to die by cutting one's own wrists you had to cut lengthwise and not across. But I tried cutting across, not even breaking the skin, feeling bad about it, then telling my parents about it. Sadly, they didn't take it seriously and nothing came of the attempt. I'm not sure if my life would have been better or worse if my depression had been addressed at that time, but it was just left alone.
- College - Several years later when I was up at Ferris State, I felt like my life was completely unraveling. The reality of college debt was coming into focus, the fact that I didn't want to do what I was studying to do (optometry) was coming into focus, the fact that I wanted to go into a field which I knew wasn't a financial winner (photography) was coming into focus, and my first real struggles with my sexuality were coming into focus. I was so alone at that time. I was in the dorms, but I didn't have a room mate and my suite mate (we shared a bathroom) was an isolationist just like me. I eventually got through this dark period, but I honestly have no idea what pulled me through.
- Comparatively Minor Bouts - Between that bout at Ferris in 1994 and the pre-nursing bout in 2011/2013 I had many small bouts. They would last days or weeks but I'd come out of them. I thought they were the normal swings of life but looking back they were in fact bouts of depression. Times where I found no joy in anything, times where I couldn't focus on every day things.
- Pre-Nursing - After I graduated and finally passed the NCLEX to earn my nursing license, I went looking for a job. And man, that led to a dark time in my life. I scraped bottom there. Consider how I felt; I went for optometry but then quit. I went for photography and pushed hard, but eventually quit. I went for truck driving, then quit. I finally went for nursing for money, and after getting my degree and doubling my student debt, I now felt like I was the only registered nurse in the world that couldn't find work. I had suicidal ideations at this time, but it never got to planning out suicide.
- First medication - after getting a job as a nurse and finally seeing a doctor I went through the standard 'quit smoking' trials which includes Wellbutrin. While I was trying that medication I noticed my mood leveled out. I didn't dip down into those dark thoughts as much or as often. When I didn't quit smoking and stopped the med, the dark thoughts came back. So I told my doc about it and seeing as I tolerated the med well and it was also a possible treatment for migraines, we went ahead and got me back on Wellbutrin.
- Migraine Madness - This was 2024, last year. A year into having to quit because of the migraines, no real hope on the horizon of getting the migraines under control, just had the migraines cost me my car, and yeah, life was dark. I was digging hard into suicidal ideation and couldn't stop myself from the thought process of making a suicide plan. Not just a suicide method, but how exactly I would do it, how I would inform my family, how I would save them from finding my dead body, how I would say goodbye... I was making a plan that if I ever finished making could implement in minutes. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was scared and sought treatment. It took months, and I'm still living with the side effects of the medications but we got it under control.. I now take both a higher dose of Wellbutrin and a dose of Paxil.
- Now - So lets dig into what I'm going through now and how its different than before.
I know the big thing to look for in depression is lack of joy. Being unable to find happiness in things that normally bring happiness. In order to assess that, we need to define several things that bring me joy. That bring me happiness.
Work brings me happiness. Chatting with friends, both online and offline friends, brings me happiness. Watching movies brings me happiness. Role playing brings me happiness. Writing brings me happiness. Buying new stuff bring me happiness.
I used to say playing video games brought me happiness, but that hasn't been really true for quite awhile. I don't know why that changed, but it did so I no longer list that. Obviously, I'm not working so I can't assess that. And besides, that was always hard to assess as I enjoyed the stress from work but not at the very time I was experiencing the stress. It was more looking back and enjoying that I had a difficult job and that I could get through it. It inspired me to continue to do well and gave me hope when things were dark because I knew I'd already done well in the past. So, I can't use either of those to assess my level of depression. Let's list out each of the others individually.
- Chatting with friends - I'm avoiding that now. Actively pushing my friends away. I not only don't enjoy it, I feel embarrassed. I don't want to talk about how I'm a failure, but that's about the only thing going on in my life right now. And when I think of any friends, online or otherwise, I focus on me and not them. That's not normal for me. I'm normally more outwardly focused, focused on their issues, their problems, their joys. So yeah, I'm most definitely NOT getting joy from my friends.
- Movies - While I went through my migraine crisis, movies were a safe haven for me. I could put on an old TV show or an old movie that I'd seen before and just sit back and let it wash over me. I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it but I couldn't focus on new material so this was the next best thing. I don't have that problem now, but I'm falling into the same habit. Its not that I can not focus on new material, I simply DO not focus on it. Any little distraction pulls me out of the narrative and I have difficulty picking the thread back up when I return. I get no joy from movies, they're only serving as distraction.
- Role Playing - I dropped role playing because I couldn't focus on it. Part of it though was that I lost interest in being the 'me' in it. I was feeling more obligated to be a part of someone else's role playing adventure. That USED to bring me some level of joy but it just doesn't right now. I have a continued problem of almost going to DX and writing out my 'forever goodbye' letter... but I have to get out of this depression to find out if this is just the depression pulling me from role playing or is it a bigger change like not playing games any more.
- Writing - I still get some joy out of this, but it's more of a slog. It's hard to interpret as this might just be some writers block. I have a plan, a good outline for maybe another six chapters, and a rough outline for many chapters after that.... but I get distracted in the middle of a scene and I don't feel like coming back to finish it. It took me like five attempts to write this last chapter of You're Not The Boss Of Me. Each time I would get into writing and enjoy it, but it wouldn't last. It's like writing still brings me joy, but it's not sustaining it any longer. Even just a few months ago, once I got into a groove of writing, I'd push out three or even four chapters in a day. Now I can't get 500 words out.
- New Stuff - I'm all over the place on this. I'm financially in a bad place so I shouldn't spend money, but then there are things that I feel I 'need'. I buy new wheels for my car to put winter tires on it, but it does nothing to make me feel good. The new Kindle finally came out and I bought it... it'll be here Sunday... but I flip from feeling okay about it to feeling truly bad for buying it. I get no joy.
Now an obvious thing is that there is a situational factor at play here. Me finding work, or at least returning to work, has turned out to be FAR more difficult than I thought. I've found at least one person in the prison system that is actively keeping me out and I suspect people that I was friends with and worked with. Being sabotaged will always make you feel bad. But I'm also aware enough to recognize that this isn't feeling 'down' because of a work thing. I could feel bad about not finding work and still enjoy a movie. I could feel bad about someone blocking my return to prison but still find joy in role playing. No, it may have been sparked by the work thing or the finance thing, but this is depression.
The biggest change right now, at least I think it is, with being medicated is that I seem to have a basement floor to the depression. Yes, I'm down. But I have had absolutely NO thoughts of suicide. No suicidal thoughts, no suicidal ideation.
The problem is that I don't know what comes next. Do I simply wade through this and wait for the situational aspect to correct itself? Or do I seek more medication?
The situational aspect is getting employed. That's either getting the good word from the interview I did last week or moving forward and applying for other jobs and getting those interviews. The thing is that waiting for this job could take another three weeks, and that's not even giving consideration to it bumping up against the holidays.
The medication aspect is already laid out. I saw my mental health NP a little over three weeks ago and will see her again in mid January. She offered doubling my Paxil. I said no at the time, but she said I didn't have to wait for our appointment if I changed my mind. I could message her and probably start that medication change.
But the medication change... damn, that sucks. It can come with more side effects. It also feels like admitting defeat. And it's not like we just come off of it when I get back to work. Let's say I get on it and feel better, then there isn't really evidence that getting back to work is a factor since the medication had already brought me out of the darkness. But then again, I DO want to be out of this darkness.
I guess writing this out has led me to that decision. Do I contact my mental health NP and ask for the medication increase. I'll give that serious thought today. I don't know if I'll make up my mind but I'll give it serious thought.
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