It shouldn't come to a surprise to anybody that this has been another bad year. Let's get into it.
Migraines. Migraines are my life and have been for nearly two years now. Everything I do, everything I did, everything i plan on doing, involves migraines. And unfortunately nothing else really matters. I took a vacation, but it was bad due to the migraines. I got so low emotionally that I started ideating suicide. Thankfully I sought help, got on some meds, am getting therapy, and am now not looking forward to killing myself.
Migraines helped destroy my car, Tiffany, and helped me buy a replacement that I don't like. Migraines helped me buy snow tires for the new car that I don't need. Migraines have isolated me from just about everyone, online and in this three dimensional world. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. So, on to the questions. I'll keep these answers brief. I considered not doing this year in review at all, but figured I'd at least want to peek back at it years later. Here we go:
1.What did you do in 2024 that you'd never done before?
Not leave the house. Not entirely, like, I'm not a shut in. But I went on one vacation that I both enjoyed and hated. I didn't go to work. I think I went to my brother's twice. Otherwise, I did shopping, doctors visits, and the like. I can easily go a week without stepping outside. What really made me think of this was looking at the milage of Layla. I've put about 400 miles on her in 4 months. 100 miles per month. I did that every DAY while working.
4.Did anyone you know die?
No. You know, I keep this section in thinking that at my age it will get more populated, but it just doesn't.
6.What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024?
It's been a long time since I could say this: A job! Even before I started working as a nurse, I never thought of a job as socially necessary. But it is. Without it, I have no time boundaries and the only people I interact with on a regular basis is mom and my brother R. That is NOT good for my mental health!
7.What date from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't remember the specific date, but it was in early February when I drove down to Toledo for a impartial medical exam regarding my migraines. I thought it was stupid as I basically told the doctor that I had migraines and all the treatments I'd been using since they started. His answer was rather bizarre, saying initially that I couldn't have worked but now COULD work after I saw him (he didn't do anything, so what changed exactly!), but he eventually changed it to the fact that I couldn't work.
What really got me on that visit though was his paperwork. Medical paperwork for assessments like this start off in a generic standard method. Something like "Calvin is a white man of 40 years in general good health with a complaint of..." It covers the very basics. His report though was the first time my age caught my eye: "Calvin is a white man of 50 years in general good health..."
50 years old! I remember turning 30 and what a big deal that was to me. 40 didn't bother me. 41 to 49 was just numbers. But 50? It feels like everything is downhill from here. I'm not in the last chapter of my life, but I'm in the last PART of my life.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Seeking medical help for my depression and anxiety. The difference in my mental health from early August, when I was at my worst, to late November after my last medication update is extraordinary. I didn't realize just how low I'd sunk and I didn't realize just how good I could feel even in these trying times. It saved my life.
9.What was your biggest failure?
Tiffany. How the fuck did I leave a gallon of milk in there? How the fuck didn't I recognize that there was milk in the back later? How the fuck did I sell it too early and end up costing me the ability to sue my insurance company?
10.Were you seriously ill during 2024?
The same as last year, no. I don't consider the migraines as 'seriously ill', just chronically ill.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
I tried all year long to NOT buy things. I want to be a more financially responsible person. Even though I rarely use it, I did buy a new smart watch and it's pretty sweet. Nothing else comes to mind.
12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
President Biden. After his debate with President Trump, he saw that he wasn't going to be able to win an election against him and he stepped aside. Sure, he could have done that earlier and it might have made the election better (by actually having a primary and not just having to give it automatically to Harris), but at least he recognized he couldn't do it. How often can we say that someone in politics is stepping back when they absolutely don't have to?
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The half of the country that voted for President Trump. I still, to this day, can't get my head around how anybody would think he's a good man, let alone a good president. He's crass and rude and self centered and just bad all around. If he was his same self but held all the progressive ideas that I love so much, I'd STILL not vote for him. I wouldn't just not vote, I'd actively vote against him. He's that bad. And yet a majority of my countrymen think he's good. So we'll now have to live through another 4 years of his batshit crazy presidency.
14.Where did most of your money go?
Health insurance. I've had to spend almost $700 a month for my COBRA insurance. Late in 2024 it upped to almost $900. Sometime later this year I'm going to have to go into the healthcare marketplace and try to find an equivalent healthcare plan and... well, that's going to suck.
15.What did you get excited about?
Normally I'd think car shopping would get me the most excited. But it was mixed with the horror of losing Tiffany and realizing I'd be taking a step back for the first time since becoming a nurse. Plus the outcome just wasn't good.
No, I think the thing that got me the most excited was my medication shift at the end of the year. Between starting Paxil and messing around with my Wellbutrin prescription, I not only got through a depression that was darker than I thought, it also effected my migraines. I know I shouldn't hold out hope like this, but I just can't help it: Maybe, just MAYBE, having that kind of improvement in my migraines will help the new neurologist come up with a treatment that will actually work!
16.What songs will always remind you of 2024?
Billy Joel's Turn the Lights Back On. It's such a beautiful song and has that soulful nature that is truly how I've felt all year.
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
- Sadder/Happier?
- Happier. That's all thanks to the meds
- Thinner/Fatter?
- About the same? Maybe a little thinner. I'm riding around 250lbs
- Richer/Poorer
- Technically Poorer, but I realized my net money coming in is about the same as it was before I stopped working. I'm just not getting my health insurance paid for, my sick/annual leave, my 401k, or any other work benefits that tally up to around $40,000 in value.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Keep in contact with more people? After I got my mental health stability back in order, I realized just how isolated I am.
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
Have migraines? Keep going down mental rabbit holes due to the migraines?
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
In what's more or less an annual tradition at this point, I'm writing this into the near year and had Christmas a couple weeks ago. It was good. B and his family came over for Christmas Eve and Mom, R, and me had a wonderful Prime Rib dinner for Christmas Day followed by the annual watching of "It's a Wonderful Life"
21.What is the one thing you would have gone back and done differently this year?
Recognized that I was in a bad spiral of depression and sought help earlier. I could have had a 'not bad' year instead of eight months of darkness followed by two months of treatment and a couple months of relative goodness.
24.What was your favorite TV program?
I got stuck on Suits. It wasn't a series I planned on watching, but I caught it and loved it. I'm also almost finished with The Americans and think it might be one of the best television series out there.
25.What was your greatest musical discovery?
10 Minutes by Inna. It's a Euro pop dance song that wouldn't normally come into my wheel house, but a friend online sent me a link to it saying it reminded them of my 'Just Dance' story. And they're absolutely right. It's fun, it's upbeat, and it really just bangs.
26.What was the best book you read?
I'm still going through Stephen King's Dark Tower books. I can't really separate them, so 'they' are the best book I read this past year.
27.Are you happy with your lot?
Absolutely not. I need to get these migraines under control and return to being a useful cog in the machine. I'm useless and worthless otherwise. No amount of medication can make me think differently about that.
28.What did you want and get?
I guess getting happy? Or rather, getting less depressed?
29.What did you want and NOT get?
Control over the migraines.
30.What was your favorite film of this year?
There was no perfect movie for me. Instead, I have four that each take turns being my 'favorite' for different reasons.
Civil War was just creepy in a way that's hard to describe. It's like looking at a future that might happen. Of course it was well made with good story, acting, directing, and cinematography.
Twisters was just a straight up great summer popcorn blockbuster. It was really fun.
Deadpool and Wolverine was maybe the best superhero comedy movie full stop. I hate that it didn't fix Marvel's problem with the multiverse, but that can't take away from how much fun it was.
Alien Romulus reminded me how good horror movies could be. This seriously felt like a righteous follow up to the original Alien and even looked like it. I mean, the special effects were great and not like they were made in the 70s, but the background, the set, and the style of the special effects all made it look like they were the same universe. Brilliant!
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't know that I did anything on my birthday. I turned 50 years old which as I said above felt a lot more significant when I saw it in writing. I'm 50 years old. I can't honestly say that I'm an 'old man' but damn if I'm not knocking on that door.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Duh, controlling the migraines.
34.What kept you sane?
Paxil and Wellbutrin.
36.What political issue stirred you the most?
As I said above, half the population finding Trump acceptable enough to vote in again as President.
37.Who did you miss?
Me from ago.
38.Who were the best new people you met/got to know?
The mental health NP. She's ridiculously young but she's great at her job. I've only seen her twice, but she took my concerns seriously, answered my questions, and took the side effects of the medications into consideration.
39.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024:
Seeking mental health help is worth it.
40.Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Your blades are sharpened with precision
Flashing your favorite point of view
I know you're waiting in the distance
Just like you always do
Just like you always do
Already pulling me in
Already under my skin
And I know exactly how this ends
I let you cut me open, just to watch me bleed
Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be
Don't know why I'm hoping for what I won't receive
Falling for the promise of the emptiness machine
Going around like a revolver
It's been decided how we lose
'Cause there's a fire under the altar
I keep on lying to
I keep on lying to
Already pulling me in
Already under my skin
And I know exactly how this ends
I let you cut me open, just to watch me bleed
Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be
Don't know why I'm hoping for what I won't receive
Falling for the promise of the emptiness machine
I only wanted to be part of something
I only wanted to be part of, part of
I only wanted to be part of something
I only wanted to be part of, part of
I only wanted to be part of something
I only wanted to be part
I let you cut me open, just to watch me bleed
Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be
Don't know why I'm hoping, so fucking naive
Falling for the promise of the emptiness machine
The emptiness machine (I only wanted to be part of something)
The emptiness machine (I only wanted to be part of)
The emptiness machine
-Emptiness Machine by Linkin Park
So that's a 2024 wrap up. Comparing this to my 2023 wrap up I can easily see how I was more depressed, more down, back then. My situation is clearly and easily worse than it was last year but I can enjoy more things now.
Hopefully 2025 will be the year I turn it around.
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