Migraine
Well, that last migraine ended up lasting 13 days. That is a LONG time to go with a migraine, even for me. It still only ended up having 4 non working days and was followed up by a 6 day reprieve without a migraine. The thing that really sucked about the reprieve was the dental pain. I've explained before that the headache portion of my migraines starts at the crown of my head on the left side and moves down all the way into my neck and even shoulder. The dental pain starts at my jaw, but extends upward into my eye and downward into my neck. I.e. it feels similar to a migraine headache. And as a migraine headache is most often the first symptom I get of a migraine, I felt multiple times each day 'off' that I had a migraine coming back.
The rough part was November 18th. Mom, R, and I were sitting down for lunch and I mentioned that unless a migraine came on that day, it would be my 7th day without a migraine. Yeah, a couple hours later I was laid out with a migraine bad enough that I wouldn't have worked. The same thing yesterday, and I'm already feeling it coming back this morning.
I heard back from my neurologist regarding any dose changes on the low dose naltrexone. No changes. From that, I have to assume there will be no reason to change unless there is a major shift in the migraines. I'll see him next in April.
On the brighter side, I finally got an appointment with the new neurologist. Their first available appointment was in January. It sucks waiting that long, but neurologists are busy and I'm a new patient, putting me low on their priority list.
Mental Health
This is the new section I'm adding. Last update I called it Depression/Therapy, but as it will be ongoing I'll have three health related sections. Migraines, Mental Health, and Physical Health (formerly 'Other Health).
The meds are working as they should. I'm now on 20mg of Paxil daily and 300mg of extended release Wellbutrin daily.
If I put my moods on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being suicidal intent, 1 being suicidal thoughts, and 10 being as happy as I can be without being manic (an important distinction when it comes to mental health), I was riding around a 2 or 3 with constant dips down to 1 before I started this mental health journey. Between my trips to the therapist and my doc starting Paxil and eventually restarting my Wellbutrin, I went to mostly moods of 6 with daily dips down to 1. That's where I was when I talked with my psych NP. Because I was also experiencing sexual side effects, she increased the Wellbutrin (doubling it to 300mg). It took a couple days to kick in, but my moods are generally between 6 and 8 with no dips lower than 3.
Since my initial concern was with how often I went into thinking about suicide and I haven't had that for almost two weeks now, I consider that great! But...
There are medicinal side effects. First, my sexual side effects are lessened. I'm not as 'virile' as I used to be, but I can gain and maintain an erection and even attain orgasm on a regular basis. More like every other day as opposed to once a day like before. I.e., acceptable. But there are two other side effects that are more concerning. First, I'm experiencing night sweats. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and my blanket is soaked. I feel fine, but I've been sweating enough that I want a new blanket. And it's not like I'm sweaty during the day, it's just at night. The other side effect is muscle tremors.
Now, I've had some muscle tremors before. Especially when I'm in moderate to severe pain. Yesterday morning though, I couldn't stop my hand from shaking while I was drinking my coffee. It's not like I was in danger of spilling any, but I still couldn't stop the shaking. That's a bizarre feeling. I notice it even when I'm sitting still. It's not nearly pronounced enough that someone would be able to see it, but I can feel the muscles in my thighs, my arms, and even my abdomen and chest, just vibrating a bit.
I'm nervous about mentioning these to either my doctor or my psych NP. Both side effects are possible with my three new medications (Paxil, Wellbutrin extended release, and one I'll mention in Physical Health). But my emotional sense of well being and stability are fine and I don't want that to change. Maybe they'll agree, but they might not. And then I'll have to taper down the drugs that 'work' and taper back up on drugs that might or might not work. All the while, having my mood drop back down to those 2s and 3s and dips down to 1s. And maybe, fearfully, 0s.
Anyway, I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping that if this migraine continues, which I fully expect it to, it's mild so that we can have a 'normal' appointment. This will be our first appointment when I'm not desperately depressed and close to pulling my hair out. But that doesn't' help, if my migraine is off the charts bad.
Physical Health
This section used to be Other Health. As I said above, I'll now have three health related sections - Migraines, Mental Health, and Physical Health.
Last update I mentioned some dental work. Getting some work on my remaining back lower left molar for a crown. Since then I've been wearing my temporary crown. The dentist said that I might experience some pressure and temperature related pain, but that it shouldn't be taken as a bad sign. While I haven't experienced any temperature pain, I am experiencing some pressure pain. I CAN chew on that temporary crown (being sure it's not something overly sticky or hard), but if its too much food it hurts.
The problem is that there is just pain from that tooth. It just hurts sitting here doing nothing. It's manageable as I can take 800mg of ibuprofen to tamp it down (occasionally adding 1000mg of acetaminophen) but I hate having to take those meds more or less on a schedule. If I don't take it at the four hour mark, the pain returns at the five hour mark. Then, when I take meds to get rid of the pain, it takes two or even three hours to fully go away. And as I said above, the pain is similar enough to my migraine pain that I can misinterpret it. AND while that was frustrating when I didn't have a migraine, it's even worse now that I DO have a migraine. I mean, is my migraine headache actually this bad or is it the dental pain? The only way to know is to take the meds and wait. It's constantly assessing pain which is just damned frustrating.
Anyway, I go back next Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving) to put the permanent crown in and do a little more dental work. I.e. my mouth is sure to hurt on Thanksgiving. Great.
Last update I mentioned going to my doctor's annual wellness visit. Getting ready for the appointment, I decided that I'd talk to him about the urinary issues. My main reason is that they were slowly getting worse and I didn't want to see him with 'no complaint' at that time and then have to see him a couple months later with this 'ongoing and worsening' problem. So, figuring that I was going to end up bent over a table with his finger up my butt, I made sure to wash that area of my body very well.
To my absolute relief, my doctor and I were on the very same page. He said he could do a DRE if I wanted, as some/many patients didn't feel right without one, but he was also fine NOT doing it. Once I said I was fine without it, he even went further and explained his personal reasoning. As you can see in the diagram above, when he puts his finger in, he can feel the prostate. It's difficult to 'feel' for BPH as everybody is slightly different and he wouldn't be able to tell if it had grown or was always that size. For cancer, he needs to feel for a rough texture (it's normally smooth). But as you can see in the diagram, he can only feel a small part of the prostate and that rough texture might not be in that particular area. It might be on the side closer to the urinary tract or on the opposite side of where his finger is.
More or less... there isn't a good reason to do a DRE, per my doctor, beyond making the patient 'feel' better. And I don't know about you, but I don't 'feel' better to have a finger up my butt for no reason.
The result of all that, my PSA came back normal and the Flowmax is already starting to work. I feel that my stream is stronger, I can start easier, I feel that I can empty my bladder. The only problems I can think of is one specific symptom and the possibility of other symptoms. The first symptom is an increase in urination frequency. Since I started the med, I've had to get up once a night to use the bathroom. Not the end of the world, but I was used to staying in bed. The possible symptoms are the same ones I complained about above. Night sweats and muscle trembles.
So, we'll just see how those side effects go.
Finances
Nothing new here. I'm still worried about extending my long term disability past the end of December, but I'm not sure what I can do about it until that time comes. I won't have even seen my new neurologist before they need updated medical paperwork.
Family/Friends
I had a weird text exchange with my friend A down in Dallas. He sent me a pic of his new car, a Tesla Model Y. We went back and forth on it as he knows I love cars and we've chatted about the electric car experience before. At one point I wrote "Well very good man. I'll have to have a trip down there soon to check it out!" He responded saying that they might come up as he'd like his kids to see snow this winter. I wrote "Road trip with a Tesla? Bold move."
That just sat there for two hours without a response and I figured it was the end of the conversation. When he replied back at nine at night with "If you don't have a super tight timeline...I think it would be fine" I didn't quite get what he meant.
So, the next morning I re-read it and figured he was talking about me taking that trip down soon to see it, and was referring to my timeline as it's the holiday season. And thinking that way, it is proper to consider what a tight timeline would be.
For example, next week I have my dental appointment on Wednesday and then the Thanksgiving holiday on Thursday. Saturday is the Michigan at Ohio State game, so I wand to be here for that. The following week, the first week of December, I have Jury duty, so I can't travel then. The following week I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday and a CT scan on Thursday. The next week is open, but then Christmas Even is the following Tuesday. I want to be home for that. The following week is New Year's and I'm not as worried about being home for that, but I also have an appointment with my psych NP on New Year's Eve. The following week I have that new Neurologist appointment on Monday.
After that cluster, I'm open until... checks notes.... April.
I replied with that info in a text to see what he thought. But, yeah... it's a super tight timeline as he would have weekends off, meaning I could travel Wednesday and Thursday, be there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, then drive back Monday and Tuesday of any week and we'd be cool. Unless I leave NOW to be there this weekend, I don't have time until the second weekend in January.
This morning, while reading the news and drinking my coffee, I re-read that text exchange:
"Road Trip with a Tesla? Bold move."
"If you don't have a super tight timeline... I think it would be fine"
Hmm... I think I misinterpreted what he was talking about. Because if you're taking a road trip with a Tesla it will be fine so long as you don't have a super tight timeline. That's because 'filling up' takes about an hour instead of a few minutes. On a long trip that can add several hours overall.
My response to that about my schedule for the next couple months is then... weird.
Ah well, we're friends so I'm sure I'll get a weird response later today.
Entertainment
I've decided to watch Top Gear and The Grand Tour through before returning to Billions. The problem of course is when I have a migraine as sometimes I'll just find myself in a 'bleh' mood and want something different. That occurred a few days ago and since I'd watched several military/war movies, I figured I'd watch my favorite military/war movie/series. Band of Brothers. I've watched Band of Brothers from beginning to end at least ten times. It's just that good. The only reason it doesn't stand up with The West Wing, The Sopranos, and Start Trek as some of the best television is that its limited to ten episodes.
But whatever, it's great and I was in the mood so I cued it up. I really didn't want to spend ten hours watching it though as I have like 10 or 15 seasons of Top Gear/Grand Tour to get through. So, I thought I'd just fast forward through any dull parts and let me just enjoy the really good parts.
I'm sure you can imagine where this went. There ARE no dull parts to fast forward through, so I ended up watching ever minute of every episode.
New Tech
No new tech. I'm actually quite proud of this as there are techy things I want. The new Google Pixel folding phone, new computer speakers, a new wireless charger, a new bathroom smart speaker.... but I'm still able to hold off on these purchases because I don't need a single one of them. Yay me!
Writing
I finished the second arc of Gamer Gurl and yesterday finished the outline for the third arc. I started in on the next chapter, but the migraine got in the way and I'm hoping that I'll be able to return to it this afternoon. To be honest, this arc should be fun as it starts at a very VERY low point for Sadie, but she gets to be happy, to grow, and be sexually fun. She continues to rise and rise and be happier and happier until the very end where I pull the rug out.
Something has happened that I thought I'd share. There are plenty of experiences that I've wanted to write about that I haven't actually experienced. Giving oral sex (to either gender), having someone perform bondage on me, having chastity forced on me. Wearing makeup, styling my hair in a feminine manner, and wearing women's clothes.
Some of these things I've worked to try and experience. For instance I've had panties and wore those. When I write about a guy's first experiences wearing lacy panties, it's from firsthand experience. And when I write that it becomes second nature, that's also from firsthand experience. Lemme tell ya, I still remember going to the bathroom and seeing that pink lace under my jeans and being surprised because I forgot I had them on. And that was a THONG! Years ago I bought a sizable dildo that I could play with, trying to experience oral sex on a man. That was quite the eye opener as it's still large for a man's cock, it's not unreasonably large like some of these twelve inch dildos you see (yes, some men especially in porn get that big, but it's rare). Having this 'normal enough' big cock fill my mouth, actually feeling the 'plop' as it comes out, feeling the ridges and veins on my lips and tongue, feeling the pressure at the back of my mouth and throat and seeing that it's FAR less in my mouth than I thought it would be.... those help me write more realistic blow job scenes.
Now, I haven't experienced anal sex. Way back closer to high school than now, I did masturbate in the shower and placed several vaguely penis sized things up my rear (a screwdriver handle, the handle to our plunger...), but today I have no illusions that I've experience anything close to what having sex with a man (or a woman with a dildo) would feel like. It's been too long ago and there just wasn't that realistic size/feel. My writings on that subject mainly come from reading other stories and trying to use my anatomical knowledge on how it would feel, allowing for variations in both people's anus and rectum and people's penis/dildo sizes.
I have never put on makeup. I have put on lip balm and heard that it has a similar but not equal feel to lipstick. I've worn some halloween makeup as a teenager, so I can take that experience and put it into my makeup writing. Eye makeup? Nope, I have no experience there and honestly I don't write a lot about it (or when I do, I focus on how it makes the subject look instead of the feelings as its applied). The same goes for hair as I've always had very masculine hair cuts (spiked hair, crew cuts, and my current self trimming "so short it's basically bald"). But I did for several years have a magnificently long mullet, so I can at least attest personally to how hair feels on the back of your neck and shoulders.
But one thing I haven't been able to experience is chastity. I don't own a cage and beyond experiencing it for writing, have had no desire to cage myself. I've never experienced being incredibly aroused, but not being able to have an erection. The closest I ever came (heh... came) was while writing very sexy scenes and not wanting my arousal to ruin the moment (one handed writing), so I'd tuck myself back and literally sit on my hard cock. No, it is NOT pleasant. But it does prevent that one handed writing as it's safely tucked away from where I can touch it. The problem is that I will eventually soften in that position. And without the erection, my penis pulls back to it's normal position. And in that position, it can then get aroused again and be within reach of pleasure.
Well, at least medically induced, talk about the frustrations of being denied an orgasm and to some degree, even an erection. When I talked about sexual side effects from the Paxil, this is what it did. Now, it wasn't perfect as I was also quite depressed and not all that interested in pleasuring myself. But those urges still did hit and especially as it started to kick and and my mood elevated. One day while going about my normal 'Caitlyn' morning routine, I was catching up on Twitter where I mainly follow porn (sissy, BNWO, forced fem, digital artists...) and I started to feel aroused. I recognized this feeling and was happy and reached down between my legs.....
and found nothing going on.
Seriously, I was aroused, but there was nothing happening in my underwear. It had been some time since I masturbated and wanted to have an orgasm so I started to rub and continue scrolling and... nothing. I didn't get hard. I couldn't get hard. I kept going though and literally after about 90 minutes did get hard, but I could barely maintain the erection, let alone get anywhere close to an orgasm. I finally just had to stop. I was soft and normal within three minutes. Physically. Mentally, I was internally screaming and frustrated and mad.
Ahhhhhh! So that's what it would feel like to be denied physical arousal. Sure, I can't directly talk about the feel of a cage preventing any swelling, but through enough reading I can guess and approximate that. But I can now talk more clearly and realistically about the mad desires it builds up within you when you can't get physically aroused. And yeah, if that was happening to me for days or weeks on end... I'd do some crazy shit to get the chance to get my arousal back. Would I put on panties and a dress? Make-up and a wig? Perfume and jewelry? Would I let a woman force me to go out with a man? These are of course all hypotheticals but the level of frustration I had with that little bit of denial says that yes... eventually I'd fall into that trap. And honestly, the mental arousal didn't go away. So when people, and even I, write about keeping someone in chastity to specifically keep them sexually aroused (their perfect horny little sissy maid, always ready to please and always thinking of cock), I can attest to that as well.
Lemme tell you, that first time I was actually able to orgasm was MAGICAL! And, since it had been so long since I'd done so, I wanted to do it again that same day. Before all this occurred, I could masturbate twice a day and sometimes even more (although the desire to masturbate three times a day was rare even then). But after that physical relief, the physical block came right back. In other words, I was still aroused and still denied.
For my own real mental health, I need to be honest with my docs. It IS a concern for me to be mentally aroused and unable to be physically aroused. I have no desire to be chemically castrated. The current medication is somewhere in between. My physical arousal can come around, but it's still more rare than it was before.
Still, I'm glad that I got to experience that. It will certainly help me write out situations like that before and then defend them as realistic.
Michigan Football
Michigan lost to Indiana. I can't believe how many so called fans on social media is acting like this is the end all of the Michigan Football program. Sure, it's rare for Indiana to beat Michigan. And it's tough to watch after three years of domination during the regular season and having won a national championship less than a year ago (reigning national champions baby!). But you'd think these people haven't watched what's going on this year.
On the Michigan side, there is plenty of reason to criticize the coaching. The coaching staff, from the head coach Sherone Moore, to the offensive coordinator, to the quarterbacks coach (both Kirk Campbell) should have realized that Davis Warren, Alex Orji, and Jack Tuttle couldn't be a start quarterback and that it would be too early to start Jadyn Davis as a Freshman. With todays game as it is, they should have got a quarterback from the transfer portal. BUT, Sherone Moore only became the head coach in late January. That's after the first transfer portal and only gives them a few months to asses the quarterback room. It's not like he wasn't busy building an entire coaching staff AS A BRAND NEW HEAD COACH!!!
Outside of the obvious quarterback problem, Michigan has young new receivers, a start tight end, a good enough running back group, and a good enough defense. The running backs, unfortunately, just can't carry the offense if there is no threat from the quarter back or if the only threat is to the tight end.
On the Indian side, have these so called fans NOT watched Indiana all season? There's a reason they were ranked in the top ten. They fully deserve the ranking as they are THAT good. The fact that Michigan held them defensively as much as they did was a good sign. The fact that Michigan scored as much as they did was a good sign. Change that helmet icon to an Oregon Duck, a Penn State Lion, or an Ohio State Buckeye O, and no one would question it as much. Indiana shouldn't be this good, but they ARE this good.
Anyway, that game is done. Michigan had its bye week and this week is shaping up to be a good week of football. Indiana plays Ohio State at Noon and I'll be watching that almost exclusively. Then at 3:30 Michigan gets Northwestern at home. I love Northwestern as a school and always joke that they're the 'Cardiac Cats' as they'll keep you guessing up until the end of the game. But Michigan should be able to beat Northwestern without much drama and that will earn them a bowl bid. The next week.... well, on paper, Ohio State should crush Michigan as easily as Oregon and Indiana did. But this is a rivalry and you through out the playbook and the stats when it comes to a rivalry. Can't wait!
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