Before I dive into all the other details, I want to acknowledge Layla. Obviously, getting her was a huge deal and I could write a whole post about her. That being said, I've hardly driven her or got to know her. I wouldn't cover much new ground and will eventually write a 'review' of her. So, beyond saying that I'm happy that is over, I'll barely be covering my new SUV.
Migraine
There hasn't been any major changes in my migraines over the past couple weeks. I saw my neurologist on the 30th, the same day I went to get Layla, and we set a new course. I was fully open and honest with him and explained that I'm getting depressed. I'm not 'at the end of my rope' and certainly not suicidal, but I'm finding it more and more difficult to find joy in anything, I'm having trouble sleeping, and if I were told that I was going to die soon I'd find relief in that knowledge.
When I admitted that I 'felt' that there was improvement with Namenda at 30 and 40mg but that I experienced dizziness at 40mg, he left me on it and reduced its dose back to 30mg. As it didn't have anywhere near the desired affect, we moved on to low dose naltrexone (LDN). Naltrexone is technically an opiate antagonist which means if you are overdosing on an opiate it can reverse that affect. It's most commonly seen as a nasal spray that EMTs, police, or firefighters give to people they suspect of overdosing on drugs. At low doses, it doesn't completely block the opiate receptors and instead just disturbs it, which makes the body make more. Yeah, that was a surprise to me too. One effect of low dose naltrexone is an increase in endorphins.
I'm starting on the 1.5mg dose for two weeks. Then it's 3.0mg for two weeks and then finally the 4.5mg dose. Any time there is a dose change, I'm susceptible to the side effects, which makes sense when you consider it's messing not with my endorphin levels, but my endorphin production. Side effects can include weakness, anxiety, changes in sensation, muscle spasm, pain, fatigue, tiredness, disturbed sleep, and vivid, bizarre dreams.
I guess I have to be on the lookout for those side effects for the next couple months.
Now, there is no 'brand name' version of LDN. It's not produced in these doses, so it has to come from a compound pharmacy where they literally manufacture the capsules on site. My drug coverage covers it somewhat, but it's still expensive. As I was writing this they called and said my first month is ready to pick up. It cost me $58 out of pocket. Now, if it works I'd gladly pay $60 a month. If it doesn't, then I'd ask my neurologist to wean me off of it as three times as expensive as either Ajovy or Namenda.
He said there are four ways to deal with ongoing depression. Exercise, spirituality, drugs, or counseling. Exercise is out as I couldn't do it consistently with the migraines. I'm just not a spiritual person, so I can't imagine going to a reverend or some other spiritual guide and getting any benefit. I SO do not want to take more medication. I'm not fully opposed to it, but I'd just rather not take more. That leaves counseling. I've put in for a referral and will see what it leads to.
Finally, I think I saw the first signs of my neurologist throwing in the towel. That scares the hell out of me as he has done a LOT of research on migraines and as far as I knew was an expert on them. But he said it couldn't hurt to talk to other migraine specialists, even recommending two. I'm not going to second guess his opinion, even if he's recommending I listen to someone else's opinion. So, I've called and am currently seeking an appointment with another neurologist. The biggest problem with the two that were suggested are that they're about a 40 or 60 minute drive from my home. It's fine on a normal day, but if I have a migraine? Damn, that will suck!
Other Health
As requested by my endocrinologist, I've changed my insulin dose to the morning from the evening and I've increased my Ozempic dose. I've noticed the Ozempic side effect of it reducing my appetite and I've noticed the time change in the insulin as my continuous glucose monitor no longer alarms at me at night for low glucose.
Other than that, no health complaints
Finances
Here we go again. My LTD was approved until the end of August as that was my next neurologist appointment. At my neurologist appointment on August 30th, I had their staff fill out the paperwork to extend my long term disability through my next appointment (in late April). They not only filled it out, they faxed it while I was there.
And of course, it can't be that easy. I got a text this morning that my LTD company hasn't received my doctor's notes form that appointment and that they need them by September 12th. Now I have no idea when they asked for those notes, but consider that they received the fax on Friday the 30th, the offices (both the LTD company and my neurologist) were closed on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday due to the holiday, and it's now Wednesday. So the earliest they could have asked for those notes would be Friday which isn't even two business days ago.
I hate this company.
It's not like I can ignore it though, so I have to send of a note to my neurologist, asking if they'll please send along those notes. I got a response almost immediately, saying that they sent them off. I think it helped their morale when I explained just how frustrated I am with how the LTD company treats my medical team. At the very least, my neurologists office and staff are aware that I'm on their side in any argument.
I imagine this will somehow, someway, take a month to get approved so that I won't get paid at the end of September. Just another way that they can hold on to my money.
Family/Friends
I had my old friend A contact me again. This isn't A down in Dallas, rather its my friend that lives in a town closer by. For the five years since we 'broke up' he's contacted me on and off. Maybe it's my depression, maybe it's time healing all wounds, but I decided to make a move toward healing our friendship.
Unfortunately this has all been during the great Tiffany saga, so even when I wasn't stuck on a major migraine, I was otherwise occupied. What I suggested was that we communicate through email. It's just a better way for me to communicate. I can take hours to respond to a message as sometimes it takes that long. If we were to talk over the phone or in person, I might have to call off at the last moment if a migraine is currently affecting me. The problem is that A doesn't do well via email. He doesn't have a working computer and has to do it on his phone. That sucks and really only leaves seeing each other in person. Now, with my current friends and family I'll interact with them when I have a migraine on. They know what to look for and know, even if it's after the fact, that sometimes my migraine makes me act inappropriately. But with A, we're on thin ice with each other and I don't want to overreact to something he says or him to act on something that my migraine says.
So, I'm seeing how things work out. I've been kicking the can down the road until Tiffany was done. And for now, I think she's done enough that I can focus on A. I feel pretty good today, but I've already been out. Maybe tomorrow if I'm feeling good?
Entertainment
A few months back I had several series that I wanted to watch but they were all just starting up (either new series or new seasons). The Bear, House of the Dragon, The Boys, and The Acolyte. Only Star Trek deserves the honor of being watched when it's being aired new. With all these others I want them to be fully, or at least mostly out, before watching them so that I can binge watch them. If they catch my interest and I'm not out on a bad series of migraines, I could watch all four of these seasons in less time than it would take to watch one week by week. BUT that meant I had to have something else to watch instead and the only things that came to mind were long series. Both The Americans and Suits were things that I could watch.
As I have high hopes that I'll like The Americans as its highly recommended by my brother B, I decided on Suits. I'd watched about the first half of the first season in pieces and it seemed interesting but also struck me as something that would fall off the rails quickly.
Well fuck, it turns out that I fell in love with Suits. It's 9 seasons long (about 16 episodes per season) with a spinoff series called Pearson that lasted one season. So long after The Bear, House of the Dragon, The Boys, and The Acolyte have finished their seasons, I'm STILL watching Suits. If it stayed as good as the first few seasons it wouldn't be a problem, but at the end of the seventh season one of the main characters left and it changed the whole feel of the series. Season 8 has been a slog and I find myself searching for something else to watch. But damnit, I'm a completionist and I know damned well that if I start one of the four I've been waiting for, I'll just watch all of them and leave Suits as partially complete.
I figured I'd just slog through the last two seasons even if it took me an extra month. But then came my brother B asking me if I'd watched The Acolyte yet. I told him that I hadn't and that it was likely up next. He was cool and didn't give me any spoilers... but he told me that he couldn't wait for me to watch it as he thought it sucked. GOD DAMN IT!!! That both makes me want to watch it MORE and LESS at the same damned time!
I finally broke down last night. I'd found a few movies that I'd wanted to see on sale so I bought them and watched all three over the holiday weekend. Swing Kids (it still holds up as a great movie), Wild Wild West (it does NOT hold up as a fun action movie), and Sisu (a Quinton Tarantino movie wanna be in the best way possible). After finishing the last one last night I had about an hour to kill before I wanted to call it a night and go to bed. I felt honest dread as I thought about watching Suits so I threw the towel in and started the Acolyte.
I haven't done more than the first episode so I won't even get into how much I like or dislike it. But I know I've all but given up on finishing Suits. It will not just be a question of which series I'll follow up The Acolyte with.
New Tech
I'm still waiting on my new smart watch. It should be here next week. I have to be honest, I'm surprised that I'm not more intrigued with getting a new phone. I thought that once the new Pixel Fold version came out that I'd feel that draw to it, but I honestly don't. It's taller and narrower than mine which I don't really like. It has an uneven camera bump, where mine is centered on the back. Sure, it has the new chip and it has some new AI features, but I never feel that my phone is slow and I don't like AI stuff in general.
I guess, considering that I'm more or less committed to staying on the google Pixel platform, I'm set until this time next year. That means I'll be skipping another generation of Pixel phones. I know its silly, but I was kinda happy that I've hit almost every generation of Pixel phones.
I personally had and used the Pixel, Pixel 2 XL, Pixel 4 XL, Pixel 6 Pro, and Pixel Fold. The Pixel Fold bridged the 7th and 8th generations as it has the chip from the Pixel 7 but the design of the Pixel 8. As I manage mom's phones, I had her use a Pixel 3 XL, Pixel 6, and she's currently using a Pixel 7. The 7 is doing just fine for her and it's battery lasts fine so there's no reason to upgrade it.
At least with their new naming system, I'll fall back into line as I'm likely to stay with the folding phone. The Pixel Fold follow up wasn't the Pixel Fold 2. No, that would be simple and make sense. Instead, this year's folding phone from Google is the Pixel 9 Pro Fold. I imagine next year it will be the Pixel 10 Pro Fold XL.
Writing
Between the Tiffany saga and my migraines I haven't made much progress at all on Gamer Gurl. I hate it as I'm honestly excited about where the story is going and how it's being received.
I should get back in the swing of things soon.
Tiffany Fallout
So, this will be a part of my updates until it's done. It might be done soon, it might take awhile, but for now as there's several ongoing issues, I figured it deserves its own section.
Right now I have both Layla and Tiffany issues. I have the cargo cover being delivered today. Tomorrow I should receive the new floor mats and the wind deflectors. Weather Tech hasn't yet shipped the cargo cover. The last piece to finish off Layla, at least for now, is the license plate. I forgot to take the license plate when I sold her. I called the guy the following day as I planned on car shopping and wanted to just transfer the plate over, but he pushed me of a couple times.
His excuse is that it's at another business, but he doesn't know if the owner has it parked inside or outside or if anybody is there so that I could get in and get the plate. I'd called him at like noon and he said I could call him back around 5 PM and he'd know. When I called him at 5:30, his phone went to voicemail and the mailbox is full. That was Thursday. Friday was my neurologist appointment and car shopping. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were weekend and a holiday so I left it alone. When I called on Tuesday he 'just talked' to the guy and needed to get back with him. He'll call me back when he knows more.
It's 2:30 PM on Wednesday as I write this and I still haven't heard back from him.
I can't help but be suspicious at this point. Everything just smells 'off' about the situation. I think I'll give him the rest of the week. If I don't hear anything by Friday morning, I'll call him again. If it's not in my hand on Friday, I'll call the secretary of state and make it clear that the plate is no longer mine. I imagine if nothing else, he's interested in the plate sticker which shows its good until January of 2026. He could peel that off and put it on any other plate and make it look like it's valid. He could also drive Tiffany around with the plate on her and it would still technically be in my name. Either way, he has a week to fuck around.
On the Tiffany side, I just have to call a lawyer. I've picked one out and I might call him once I'm done with this post. I'm hopeful that they'll take the case and say that we can expect an easy settlement. I don't expect to get the full value of Tiffany back, but State Farm should offer a decent settlement to just 'go away'. I'm thinking between $10,000 and $15,000 which, after legal fees, would get me between $5,000 and $12,000. I really do not need the money. If I win anything it will just go into my savings account and sit there. It's just down to the principal. State Farm, in my mind, screwed me, and needs to pay up.
Michigan Football
I've written how much I love Michigan Football before. My fandom just about peaked last year as they were national champions. I especially was overjoyed to watch them beat Alabama in the Rose Bowl. If it weren't for the migraines, I'd have loved the whole season.
This year starts up a new era both for Michigan Football and for college football as a whole. Michigan had a ton of experienced players go on to the NFL. Michigan has lost almost all of its starters including the quarterback, running back, offensive line, some of the defensive line, wide receivers, and more. The head coach, Jim Harbaugh, took a job with the LA Chargers and is in the NFL himself now seeking his Super Bowl ring.
Overall there are good replacements for all the missing pieces. The head coach is Sherone Moore. He stepped in for four of the six games that Harbaugh was suspended for. He even beat Ohio State. He's a Michigan Man through and through. BUT, he's a first time head coach. He was the offensive coordinator and specifically coached the offensive line, so we know he has the football chops, but being the CEO of a team is a whole different issue. Where I felt fairly comfortable guessing what Harbaugh would do in any particular moment, I'll have no idea what Moore will do.
Player wise, most of the replacements had playing time last year. They just weren't the starters. The biggest question mark is quarterback as our best athlete, Orji, doesn't have the best throwing arm and tends to run instead.
After three Big Ten championships, three playoff appearances, and finally a National Championship, I really can't be happier with Michigan Football right now. If they take a step back, it will be just fine. The schedule is something else though, especially as there are no more divisions in the B1G. Out of conference Michigan has two cupcakes and this coming week.... #4 Texas. Texas went to the playoff last year and didn't lose a whole lot so that will be a BIG game. Michigan also has USC and Oregon coming to the Big House and has to travel out to Washington. They of course end the season with a trip to Ohio State who is desperate to beat Michigan after three straight losses. And then the two teams with the best B1G records go to the B1G championship the following week. I highly doubt Michigan gets to Ohio State undefeated, but even if Michigan loses to Ohio State they can still face off with them a week later at the B1G championship!
As much as Michigan Football is changing, college football is changing more. I'd normally be comfortable saying that it's doubtful Michigan gets into the playoff again. They just lost too much and everything would need to gel together perfectly to make that happen. But instead of just a four team playoff where Michigan has to more or less win the B1G to get in, there's a 12 team playoff. If Michigan loses to Texas, Oregon, and Ohio State, they still might get into the playoff as a 9-3 team! Especially if those three teams are also in the playoff.
Finally, the big change is the conferences. It still feels so weird to not have a fully functioning Pac 12. To have Oregon, Washington, USC, and UCLA in an 18 team Big Ten. To have Oklahoma and Texas in a 16 team SEC. To have Houston, UCF, BYU, Cincinnati, Utah, Arizona, Arizona State, and Colorado in a 16 team Big 12. And to have Stanford, Cal, and SMU in a weird Atlantic Coast Conference.
It's gonna be a fun year!
Digital Goodbye
I've been thinking more and more about what to do if I were to die. This isn't a talk about suicide as I do not want to die. I'll freely admit that I'm depressed and that my thoughts have wandered in that direction, but I don't want to die and I certainly don't want to kill myself. As my thoughts wandered there though, it got me thinking about what would happen if I were to die. Obviously if I had time to set things up, it would be different. Say I get diagnosed with cancer and have the "six months to a year" to live. Well, I'd have six months to a year to make a plan. But what if I got hit by a car?
I was concerned about money as I lost life insurance when I stopped working. But between my savings and my 401K and the fact that I've paid of all my old debt, money shouldn't be a huge problem. Of course that thought was before I bought Layla. I now have a debt of around $22,000 and about $22,000 in my savings account.
Money wise, I think I have R set up as the beneficiary on my 401k. If I die, it should go to him. I don't know what cashing out a 401k in that situation looks like, but if it's the same as me cashing it out, which would be the worst case scenario, it should still net him about $30,000. But that would take time. In the meantime my family would be burdened with my final expenses. My funeral and such. I should set up one of my brothers to be on my account. Or, if nothing else, my mom. That way if I pas away, they can simply withdraw the money and use it for my expenses. The big problem with that is if I use my savings to pay off Layla, I'm kind of out of savings and wouldn't have cash on hand for final expenses.
So, I might be looking into life insurance again. Just a cheapo $20,000 or so policy that will cover final expenses.
The rest of my stuff, in addition to my money, goes to my brothers. I've made that clear with them. I won't be here any longer so I won't care how they divy it up. That being said, I should put that in writing so that my wishes are at least known.
That leaves my digital life. And that's more problematic.
I figure I have two digital lives to take care of. Calvin and Caitlyn. Forgive me for speaking about myself in the third person, but it will help this thought experiment out.
Calvin has his Google account, his Microsoft account, and his Apple account. He also has his digital life on his physical computer. Right now access to his computer is through a finger print reader or a pin. I suppose you could use his Microsoft password, but that's 20 characters long and truly randomly generated. It's a pain even if you have it printed out in front of you (trust me, I've tried!). So at the minimum, I'll need to get my PIN number to my brothers.
That gets them into my computer. If they have the password to my password manager, they then have access to all of my other sites including financial, healthcare, and so on. But if I give them the Google and Microsoft accounts, they'll have backups of all my most important files. My 'documents' folder, my 'desktop' folder, my photos, my images.
I guess writing that out, to be through, they'd have to have:
- The Pin to the computer
- The Google password
- The Microsoft password
- The password manager password
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