A big voice in my head is labeled Dad. Sadly it's not in my Dad's actual voice but it is what I believe he'd say. It comes across clear and loud and is unshakable in its confidence. It's the one that said to push through college when I realized how difficult it was to become a nurse. It's the one that said to keep sending out resumes to hospitals that had ignored my 12 previous applications.
There's another voice though. One far more sinister. It's what I call my 'Little Boy Voice'. It's quiet. It's easily ignored. I can shut it up just about any time I want. But it's also consistant. It always returns. Even when it doesnt' get it's way, it still speaks up. Just a quiet whisper telling me what I really want to do. While Dad's voice always makes sense, the LBV is just pure want. There's no reason to it and therefore no reasoning with it. Right now it's talking to me and it's saying over and over and over....
I don't wanna go ta work.
While Dad's voice tells me that I need to build up my sick time so that I can save money on my long term insurance, it still whispers behind... I don't wanna go ta work. Dad's voice tells me that I'm healthy and able and have no reason to not live up to the commitment I signed up for... I don't wanna go ta work. Not going into work would mean having someone stay late or even calling someone in who had the day off... I don't wanna go ta work.
I think if this voice tried to reason with me that I'd find it easier to ignore. Or at least easier to fight. But it doesn't. It just sticks with those immutable facts. I really do not want to go to work. It doesn't matter in the least that it should be a very good day at work. Since I was there yesterday I looked at where I'd be... I'm in the clinic. I looked at who I'd be working with.... G (an RN I like) and D (an LPN that I don't really like) in the med rooms. I looked at who'd be in the clinic with me for part of the day... B (an RN that I like). I looked at how many transfers we'll have... only 5. I set up the transfers already making it an even easier day. And I looked at what appointments I've been scheduled... none. So today should be a very good day at work. The only thing that could make it better would be to have another RN that I like (B or J or G) in the clinic with me for the entire shift.
I don't wanna go ta work.
I don't have anything else I'd rather do at home. I'm not in a capping mood at all. I don't want to roll play at DX. I don't want to play video games. I don't have a movie I want to watch. It's raining and R is working so going to the 'gun range' is out. There aren't any movies that I really want to see in the theater or on any of the Video On Demand services. There's a TV show I'm watching, but I don't feel like sitting in front of the TV all day. I don't have any purchases planned so there's no shopping to do.
I don't wanna go ta work.
I have the next two days off. An entire weekend. I can have one day where I do absolutely nothhing (I do like those days occasionally), and follow that up with a day of 'stuff'... getting ready for work, laundry, shopping for lunches, paying bills. It will be relaxing and thoroughly reinvigorating. And having a third day off in a row wouldn't add anything to that except for making one day more boring. It would also make going back to work on Monday harder.
I don't wanna go ta work.
There's no reasoning with the voice. It's so simple and true... I do not want to go to work. I know it will be good, I know there is no advantage to not, I know that it's the right thing to do. But still it whispers. It actually makes me do the reasoning FOR it and I find myself arguing against myself.
B would almost surely take up the overtime. It wouldn't be a bad day and she could get an extra 4 hours of overtime. She likes overtime. It would be easy for her as she could slip into the med room while G stays out in the clinic and deals with the 5 transfers. Easy Peasy. It would actually be good for both of them.
I could find something to do. Something to take up my time. I wouldn't have to make that hour long drive to and from work. I finished the Serial podcast so I don't even have something 'new' to listen to. I wouldn't have the risk of emergencies (both fake and real) transforming work into stress. And the more I let those ideas spin around in my head, they're constantly being reinforced by that innocent whisper;
I don't wanna go ta work.
And that LBV doesn't just whisper that, although it's pretty intent on not going to work right now. That same voice tells me that I want to eat sweets. I don't... sweets constantly disappoint me. They don't taste right, not to mention that i know how bad they are for my diabetes... but I give into those whispers (I want some chocolate, I want some cake, I want a cookie) and eat something that doesn't taste all that good and does me ill.
That voice will tell me to buy things when I know damned well I don't want nor need them. It wants a tablet (I had one, never used it, and gave it away). It wants a new car (oops... I still like Ginger). It wants to go to Chicago. It wants to buy a new comforter for my bed. It wants to buy a lamp to replace my bedside light. It wants a new phone. It wants to buy something for the computer. It wants to buy another gun. It wants to buy accessories for my gun (grips, brushed metal pieces, cases, holsters....). It wants to watch movies and television.
It just wants.
And it just wears me down.
Dad's voice is strong and reasoned. But that damned LBV makes it feel like doing what Dad's voice says is proper is... bad. Is hard. Is wrong. It makes me feel like I've failed when deep down I know that doing what Dad's voice says is right and just.
It's 10:00 am. I can call in as late as 11:30 am. I need to get up and shower. I need to follow my normal routine of getting ready for work... if I can make it to 11:35 am I won't call in.... but damn this is going to be a tough hour and a half.
I don't wanna go ta work
The little boy voice is particularly strong this morning. And this time he brought back-up. I'm coming down with a cold. Chest congestion, slight nausea, but most importanty a sever sense of malaise. I 'feel' sick mentally. I can't seem to concentrate.
ReplyDeleteThe Dad voice though is fighting back just as strong. Maybe if it was a 'normal' day at work I'd have already called in. But today I'm orienting a new nurse in 5 block. She's not 'new' like I was, but she's still only been working at the facility for a couple weeks now. She can't work alone yet, so they'd still have to replace me. To make matters worse, I left the med room a mess yesterday. We had a large order of meds come in and I didn't get them all processed. I left a note to the morning nurses to leave them be as I'd have the orientee there and could use the extra meds as an example of how to put new orders onto the MARs.
So if I call in, someone will get overtime. Possibly mandated. They'll be orienting a new nurse, and dealing with a mess I left. BUT... I left that mess partially because I felt like this yesterday. I was slow moving and couldn't work at anywhere near my normal speed.... so if I go in today am I just going to do a fuck all job? Fuck up the normal job, fuck up the 'clean up' job, and fuck up the orientation?
Arg.