It WAS fun... but I never came back to it. I honestly don't know why. While persusing the blog this morning (after being awakened by my phones Amber Alert at 5:40 AM), I saw that I even left that post with a cliff hanger question.
OK... not much of a cliff hanger, but still. I obviously intended to get back to it shortly. Much like when I wrote that original post, I don't have much else to write about. I've talked about my upcoming road trip (vacation time has been approved at work), my new watch (Kickstarter campaign ended, will get delivered in July), and my new 1911 (still haven't even loaded it). Work is going well enough, friends are fine, family is good. There just isn't anything on my mind. So... back to the odd questions and hopefully thought invoking answers. I believe I left off with this:
11) Would you break the law to save a loved one?
That's an easy question to answer. Yes. The question doesn't specify what law it's asking me to break but there aren't many (if any) laws that I wouldn't break to save a loved one. 'Loved one' in this equation is my immediate family (Mom, R, B, niece, nephews), and my three closest friends (A, E, and the other A). It's easy to say that I'd break a law. I'd jay walk. I'd speed. I'd drive carelessly/recklessly. But lets get into hard core law.
Would I kill? If it were kill to immediately prevent their doom... i.e. kill someone about to kill/harm/rape them... then yes. If it were to kill outside of that situation though... hmmm. Would I assassinate someone else to save a loved one? I think I would. I'd be a broken human being after that... but at least my loved one would be saved.
Would I rape? After killing someone else, I'd be a broken human being. I think I'd become a broken human being just contemplating raping someone. Even to save a loved one. I'm not thinking about paying for the crime. And considering where I work, that's saying a lot. No.. I don't know if I could live with myself after making that decision. I couldn't live with myself if I DID rape someone to save a loved one, and I couldn't live with myself if I DIDN'T rape someone to save a loved one.
I'm sure there are other vile crimes out there, but to me these are the two worst possibilities. Once I'd kill or rape for a loved one I dont' think I could even hesitate to use/sell drugs or rob a bank.
12) When you're her age, what will matter to you the most?
The picture in this question is that of an old lady (reminder, you can see these questions in their photo form here). I'd guess the age they're asking about is 80+ years old. My gut reaction is to say that my family would matter the most at that age. But it's not as though I expect to have children or even a wife. Maybe that 'obvious' answer would still apply... would my brothers still be alive? Would my niece and nephews matter that much to me? It's kind of easy to say they'd matter the most if they're all I have.
But I honestly don't expect to be alive that long. If I make it to 70, I'll be surprised. Genetics and family history just don't indicate that I should expect such a long life.
All of these questions are hypotheticals but this one just seems to far fetched to put much thought into it.
13) Do you ask enough questions? Or do you settle for what you know?
I'd like to think that my curiosity is strong. I not only want to know more about what I'm doing, I also want to move on to something more new or interesting. Take my job for example.... I proabaly won't consider myself a 'good' nurse for another five to ten years. I'm constantly asking questions now of more experienced nurses to help jump start my learning process. At the same time I hope that I'm not doing the same thing in five to ten years. At that point I should be supervising other nurses. I'll be supervising people that have more knowledge/experience than me but at that point I'll be looking to more experienced supervisors trying to get better at THAT job.
I think this ties into a previous post I made about searching for perfection. I'm constantly trying to be better than I am and that involves asking questions. Even if asking those questions silently to myself and searching out the answers on my own.
So to put it more succinctly; Yes, I ask enough questions. No, I don't settle for what I know.
14) Do you celebrate the things you do have?
Too much. I celebrate my car as if it's an accomplishment. I celebrate my phone, watch, and computer. I celebrate my job. I celebrate my money. I celebrate my travels. I celebrate my 'things'. I don't celebrate the fact that I'm loved. I don't celebrate that I have a great family. I don't celebrate that I have great friends.
I need to celebrate THOSE things and not the THINGS in my life.
15) When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?
Umm... isn't Alectra that once called me a talkative bitch? Whether it's in person, on the phone, via texts, or online I talk a lot more about what I've done as opposed to simply doing more.
I've lived a varied life. High School nerd. Band nerd. Community College to University to Community College, to Community College again. Two associates degrees (and a firm refusal to call myself a college graduate). Photographer. Computer salesman. Computer Tech. Designer. Porn Aficionado. Truck Driver. Nurse. I'm old enough that I can almost always find an experience in my past to help relate to someone else's current situation. But I've talked about these things more than I've done them. I was only a truck driver for like 6 months... but I've used those stories for YEARS.
As I re-read that question though, I think I missed the point. I think it's asking if I talk about doing things instead of doing them. Like 'I should go out and volunteer my time at the local homeless shelter' or 'I should take a year off and work with Doctors Without Borders'. Both of which area things I've talked about, but doubt that I'll ever do.
If that's what it meant, then.... well.... no. I don't think I've talked more than I've done. I try to talk myself up to doing something. When I talk about something like that I have every intent to make it a reality. About the only thing I've talked about a lot and haven't done is quit smoking... that is I haven't quit YET.
16) When was the last time you tried something new?
Hmmm....
Just last week I bought a handgun for the first time. That meant finding out the local laws, heading down to the Sheriff's office to get a purchase permit, and having said filled out purchase permit returned to the Sheriff's office.
Last month (almost two months ago) I bought a new car for the first time in my life.
But neither of those things were really 'new'. I've purchased a gun before and I've dickered and dealed on a car before. Those were just extensions of something I'd done before.
I guess I don't do a lot of 'new' things. I just keep extrapolating on things I've already done. If I had to really say something 'new' that I've done, it would have to be nursing. So... 2009?
Man, I need to do something new.
17) Which activities make you lose track of time?
This is something I've actually thought of recently. I'm very attached to time. I hate to lose track of time and am constantly looking for a clock, checking my watch, or at least calculating how much time I've spent doing my current activity.
Activities where it's harder to keep track of time... porn, games, and conversation.
Porn. I have a big fantasy life and live it out while viewing porn. Most of the time now-a-days I'm the guy in the porn film I'm watching. I'm visiting my college sweetheart (and fucking her). I'm the office manager talking to my secretary (and fucking her). I'm the pizza delivery man (fucking his sexy customer). But occasionally I'm still playing the part of the woman (Caitlyn's echos). I'm the college coed dressed up like a girl having to fool some random buy (by giving him a blow job). I'm the guy dressed up as a secretary having to fool the boss (by giving him a blow job). I'm the dizt that ordered a pizza (getting fucked by the delivery guy). Yougettheidea. When I let my fantasies fly I can lose track of time very easily.
Games. I think this is more about the concentration level needed. For the most part I'm thinking about computer games. It's visually keeps my interest... I have to keep my eye on it. It auditorily keeps my interest... I have to listen to what's going on. I have to concentrate on the action and my reaction to it. I recall on many occasions starting a game and realizing that I've been sitting there playing it for four hours non-stop.
Conversation. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to, I can lose track of time easily if I'm engrossed in a good conversation. My friends, my brothers, my mother, my co-workers. People standing/sitting in front of me, people online. If I get into a conversation with someone that wants to talk I can juggle from one subject to the next without pause and keep talking and talking and talking. I've had conversations that started over a meal and only ended when it came time to eat again. Hell... just yesterday at work a nurse came over for a task (we had to sign off on each other's tool counts) and we talked about her recent trip to Vegas, which lead to us talking about air travel (Spirit, NO. First Class, YES), which lead to us talking about my car, which lead to us talking about her SUV, which lead to us talking about my upcoming trip to Texas, which lead to us talking about people at work who collect vacation time like it was a commodity (one person seriously has 4 MONTHS of vacation time saved up... I get nervous because I have 60 hours saved), which lead us to talking about how we utilize sick time, which lead us to talk about how some hospitals don't distinquish between personal/vacation time and sick time, which lead us to talking about how working on a standard med/surg floor at a hospital would be rather dull compared to what we do now, which lead us to talking about other RN specialities, which lead us to talking about how we each got into nursing, which lead us to talking about our previous jobs, which lead us to talking about various friends/coworkers that we've lost touch with, which lead us to... oh shit I have to get ready for the med pass!
She stopped over about an hour before I had to prepare to pass meds. We chatted for so long that I had to rush to get ready. I just lost track of time. We were in the med room in five block. There are two clocks in that room. There is the watch on my wrist. There is the clock on the computer as wella s the music playing from it (easy to tell the passage of time when you can measure each three minute song), there is also another clock just outside the door that we could see. And with all those reminders of time, I just lost track.
So pron and games can make me lose track of time, but only a good conversation can make me not care about the passage of time.
18) If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before. The simple answer is no. No I wouldn't change anything. I'm happy where I"m at and I'm happy with who I am. And every thing that I'd like to avoid or change is part of how I got here. Would I liked to have gone into nursing straight out of high school and therefore be entering the 23rd year of my career? Yes... but then what would I have done for friends and experiences that all eventually led me to nursing? If I had stumbled upon it earlier, would I have even realized that I could make a good nurse and that accepting the lack of creative energy is a worthy sacrifice?
No... there's no use to the 'what if' game. I'm here, I'm happy, and my past both good and ill have brought me here.
19) What is the difference between living and existing?
The future.
I live to get to the future. To plan for it, to shape it, to make it into the present. I exist in the present. I don't care about the past nor do I care to plan for the future. I'm simply doing what it is I'm currently doing.
Existing isn't a bad thing. When I first read this question it almost seems to mock existing. It's important to exist at times. I 'exist' most often at work. I'm focused on what I have to do and just get it done. I'm not counting down the hours until I can leave. I don't plan for vacation time. I don't look into my next job assignment or next step up the ccorporate(state?) ladder. I just do.
Living.. that's what I do when I dream or live out dreams. I 'live' when I plan my trip down to Texas. I 'live' when I download a new podcast (Serial from This American Life is up next!). I 'live' when I get lost in conversation.
20) If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
Let's see... E and I have been friends since we met in 1995. So at the very least I'd say 20 years?
I'm hard on myself. I'm harder on my friends. I expect them to be harder on me. I've had plenty of people in my life that want to 'be there' for me. That want to be a good friend and only focus on the bright side of life. That only want to encourage me.
Umm... Fuck That.
That's how we are to strangers. "Buck up man, it'll get better" or "Hey, I'm sure you did your best and you'll do better next time". It's polite and nice and almost always full of shit That's not to say that I'm an asshole and have assholes for friends. But while they offer comfort, it's not just the surface... it's not "It will get better". Instead they say it will get better then offer suggestions on how to get better and critisim on how I got into my current predicament.
When I took what turned out to be my last photography job (a portrait photographer job at walmart) I had two friends talk to me about it (I had more people talk to me about it, but this example works best with these two). One said that it was a good idea. That it was a dream of mine to be a photographer and that if I wanted to live that dream, then the job was worth it. They were sure I'd succeed and find happiness doing it. The other said he could understand why I was doing it, but that he didn't think it was a good idea.
I don't know where that first friend is any longer. We're not friends any more. The other is E. He spoke the words aloud that I was thinking in my head. I want friends to support me, but only when what I'm doing is worth supporting. I want them to chastise me when I do badly and give me honest advice even if I don't want to hear it.
By the way... E thought buying Ginger was a bad idea. He's a good friend.
21) If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
Just like my previous post, I'm going to leave this with an unanswered question. I'll eventually get back to this and continue answering questions that make me think.
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