Questions

You know, there are times that I just want to think but don't have a direction to go in.

At those times I often think of things.  My new phone.  Fiona's snow tires.  My upcoming trip to Chicago.  My upcoming trip to somewhere else.  My new wireless charger and the possibilities of making that into an alarm clock.

Not really deep thoughts.

I think that's a problem of being comfortable.  I can pick at a scab like nobody's business.  If there's a problem going on, I will tackle it with an intensity that I don't often utilize in my regular every day thoughts.  Sure, those thoughts don't often turn into action, but they do lead me to areas where I might help out said problem.

But I don't have a lot of problems right now.  There's the lack of romance... but when I pick at that scab I quickly come to one thought;  I'm to old for that young puppy style "I wuv u sooo much!!!".  If I'm not looking for that, then I'm looking for a relationship, and if I'm looking for a relationship then starting off with "oh, and I live with my Mom" just doesn't work.  It doesn't mater how high minded and noble it may be... living with MOM doesn't equate to romance.

Friends?  I love my friends and have good relationships with all of them.  Family?  The family is strong for the first time in years.  Mom's health?  Ain't much I can do about that.  Finances?  Please.  I just bought a phone for over $700 (when you include the accessories), and didn't blink an eye.  My health?  That's a work in progress and if I continue to work at it, not a problem.

So... what do I write about?  Well... for a quick diversion I searched online for "Questions To Ask Yourself".  I'm not exactly looking for Buddah style self examination... I knew the top results would be those list things you find on facebook all the time.  But even a silly question can make you think.  So... I glanced at the first result and even peeked at the first few questions to make sure they could spur on some conversation and decided to go ahead and answer these questions.   Here it goes:


1) How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I'm two days from being 41 (Yay to spending my birthday in prison).  My gut reaction is to say that I'd be younger than that.  I'm in the beginning stages of a new career, I'm having financial success for the first time in my life, I'm single (and as may questionnaires demand to add; Never Married)... hell I just graduated from college 3 years ago.

But I think that answer is more about What I am, and not Who I am.  Who I am is someone who is comfortable with himself.  No, I don't wear my entire life out in the open, but I'm not deeply embarrassed about those dark secrets of my soul.  I accept Caitlyn into my life.  I know that I'm not attractive, but I also know that I'm not ugly.  I know that I have a degree of arrogance.  I struggle to keep it in check, but it will come out at inopportune times.  I know that I'm competitive, but don't want to be #1.  I want to be second place... it's just too much effort to be 'the best' and to much pressure to stay there.  I want to be better than everyone save for the best.

There is a lot of these little nuggets that I 'know' about myself.  And that's knowledge that I don't see in a lot of people. Young people (20s, 30s) are often still finding themselves, but you see a lot of blind people in old age too.  They believe they are good when in fact their bitter jealous people.  They believe they are better than what they are.

There's this great scene from the Firefly episode where Captain Mal is standing over someone he jsut bested and is expected to kill with a sword.  He says "Mercy is the mark of a great man."... and then he stabs him.  "Guess I'm just a good man."  Then he stabs him again.  "Well, I'm all right."

You know what?  I'm not a great man, nor am I a good man.  I'm all right.  I believe the fact that I know that about myself and more importantly the fact that I accept that about myself marks me as a far older person.

2) If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you message be?

Before I dive into this, I have to define what this question is really asking (at least to me).  I take it as really getting a message across to people.  Not simply sending out a text to a billion people, but making them understand the intent and meaning of my message.

If it was just sending out a message to a lot of people, I'd probably just send out a joke.  Laughter is good and everyone can use a quick giggle to make their day better.  But if I really want to send out a 'message' and hopefully have people understand something from my perspective.... well that's another thing entirely.

I think the thing that I'd really want to express and have more people not only understand but really make part of their lives, is that there is no right or wrong in opinions... that every opinion and choice is valid.  That your particular set of morals and values is important, but not more important than everybody else.  That when you put your own morals and values above anybody elses, you are by definition diminishing your own position.

If you believe you are the most important and knowing, and by definition the only correct person and everybody believes that, then everybody is outnumbered 7 billion to one.

But if we can all agree that everybody's opinion is important... no matter how abhorrent or opposite to our own value system it may be, then we all grow and become 'more'.

I know initial reaction will be 'Oh, Calvin has minority opinions and wants others to respect his choices.  Well... yeah. Sure.  But that's not the entirety of why I'd want this message to get across.  Yes, it would be nice if I didn't feel that I had to hid 'Caitlyn' away from most people.  It would be nice if homosexual rights were respected as highly as heterosexual rights.  It would be nice if women's rights were respected as highly as men's inherent rights.

But I want that respect to go both ways.  Yes... I personally believe that homosexual love shouldn't be considered anything different than heterosexual love.  But I want like minded people to respect that some people will not believe that.  These people are not bigots or evil just because they don't believe in what I believe in.  Their opinion maters.  We can disagree without hating each other... and that's where I think the problems come in.  It's not the differences we have (diversity is grand right!?).  It's the hatred for those differences.

I think calling someone a bigot just because they don't respect homosexuals is about as bad as calling a homosexual a freak of nature.

So... you know... respect each other and respect each other's opinions. If we could just do that, I bet many of our problems would just go away.

3) Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

Yes.  In fact I'd say it's hard to lie with ONLY words.  I heard once that about half of what we convey while speaking is through body language.  So lieing without words is easy.

For instance if someone says "I think that God is the almighty lord of all and those that don't believe that should be thrown into a pit of fire, lending their screams to the chorus of believers."  and my response is to smile and nod... I just lied.


4) If not now, then when?

Umm.... later?  This question is too vague to put any more thought into.


5) What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?


Ay yi yi.  First, I'd like my answer to be:  Nothing.  I'd like to think that I don't act by the judgement of others.  I'm a 40 year old man working as a nurse at a correctional facility, and while there are many reasons I do it, the biggest reason has to be money.  If I wanted people to judge me I'd tell them that I do it because I have a deeply seated desire to help people, and who better to help than those that society has quite literally tried to forget by putting into a prison.  Helping drug dealers, and murders, and child rapists.  But no... I tell anybody who asks that I went into nursing because I wanted a stable financial future.  I wanted a job that didn't require me to 'sell' something and that couldn't be outsourced.  A nurse requires a physical presence and leads to a well paid position with minimal education and training.

I drive a bright yellow Ford Focus and go gaga over the 8 inch touch screen, the push button start, and the heated leather seats.  Unless I want people to judge me as a child, I'd drive something else.

So for the most part I'd love to say I wouldn't do anything different.

But... that's a lie.  Theres a deep dark part of me that would want to experience evil.  From the little and mundane evils, to the grand and soul damning evils.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, I'd like to ram them.  I don't mean act threatening by tailgating them and flashing my lights.... I mean RAM THEM.  Hit their car with mine in a way that damages their precious possession and throws them off of the road.  That would be a minor evil that I would want to do if nobody would judge me.

If someone hurts me or those that I love, I'd like to maim them.  There was a medical professional (I can't remember if he was a surgeon, physician, physician's assistant, nurse, or respiratory tech) that mistakenly turned my father's respirator off when he was recovering from open heart surgery.  That machine was breathing for my father using a tube down his throat.  With the machine off, and the tube down his throat he couldn't breath.  And he was conscious.  That man left my father slowly suffocating for 5 minutes and almost killed him.  I only learned about him years later as my father told me about the closest he ever came to dying.  If I could do something differently and knew that nobody would judge me... I'd hurt that man so fucking bad.  I wouldn't kill him, as that's just too quick... no, I'd hurt him.  I could go through the depraved and sick specifics, but theres the problem with that fantasy... I'd have to not judge myself.  And I DO judge myself and I think less of myself since I can't expel those thoughts from my psyche.

Oh... and I'd probably sing more.   My voice is just awful, but I do love to sing.

6) Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?

Hmm.  At first blush, I'd have to say no.  I'm not pining for a past love, I'm not deeply desiring a person who I never got to know, I'm not overly grieving for lost family and friends, I don't have a strong need for strangers to love me or even like me, I don't have a strong desire for more money or notoriety, or fame.

No.   I don't believe I am holding onto something that I need to let go of.

7) Have you done anything lately worth remembering?

Hmm... let's take this in pieces of my life.

Did I do anything at work lately worth remembering?  I did help try to save a dying man.  I was coming in from lunch with another nurse and inside the gate we were told that "someone was down and they weren't breathing".  We both immediately went to his location and lended aid.  CPR, starting an IV, taking BP, directing others.  Sadly our efforts were for naught.  If I want to put it in a good way I'd say that he was already dead before we got there and we weren't able to bring him back.  If I don't want to put a good spin on it;  We didn't save him.   That's worth remembering.

Did I do anything in my family life worth remembering?  umm... well I did hang out with my brother and watched the national championship game on TV.   It wasn't worth remembering as in it's a tale to tell others... a tale to inspire and feel good about.  But it was worth remembering as in my brother and I hung out like friends.  We are close and had several honest conversations ranging from exercise, to cars, to health in general, to love and death.   All of that inbetween talking about football, betting, and playing games on the computer.  I'd say that was worth remembering.

Did I do anything in my personal life worth remembering?  No.  My personal life lately has consisted of watching Firefly/Serenity (for the dozenth time), reading a Stephen King book, writing in this blog, and... not much else.

8) Who do you love?  What are you doing about it?

I love my family.  I love my mom, my brother R, my brother B, my nice and nephews, and to a lesser degree my sister in law (B's wife).  I love the memory of my father.  I love my friends A, E, and A.  I love A's wife J. I lover A's children C and S.    To a lesser degree I love my online friends Dee, Jennifer, Simone, Joanna... and far to many to list.

But... I don't think that's what this question is about.  This is about that love that I just don't have.. that romantic, part of the same soul, lover love.  And that... well I don't love anybody.

And that makes me sad.  Not sad because I don't have someone like that, but sad because of what I'm doing about it.  I'm not doing anything.   I'm putting my own self, and those currently closest to me above that love.

9)  When is it time to stop calculating RISK and REWARDS, and just do what you know is right?


My gut answer is that there is no time to stop calculating risk and reward.  Especially when it comes to doing what I know is right.  You only know something is worth doing by weighing risks and rewards.

Let's take a big Right for example.  I know it's Right that homosexuals have the right to marry.  I just do.  I know that is Right.  So what do I do about that?  Well, I vote for it whenever it's on a ballot.  I voice my opinion on it whenever it seems pertinent to the conversation.  I condem actions that stop it, and people that vocally fight against it.   But further action requires that risk/reward calculation.

Should I try to get it on a statewide ballot?  Reward:  I could get this issue front and center before the people of Michigan.  I could voice my opinion and hopefully educate a large group of people.  Risk:  I could spin my wheels and get nothing accomplished.  Organizations have already tried this (and failed to get it back on the ballot).   I don't even know what's requried, so I'd have to educate myself on that.  I could also muck up the conversation... I could turn more people against the idea of equal rights.  And I could also waste everybody's time as this issue is going before the Supreme Court later this year.   The reward is too little, and the risk is too great.

So, I know that supporting this issue is Right, but that doesn't make any action to help it and support it further Right as well.  Not without a risk/reward calculation.

10) Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength? 

Weakness.

I also think more people should do it, and nobody should see it as a bad thing.  Is it weakness?  Sure, you are losing control of your emotions and allowing the sadness/grief/despair or other raw emotion an outlet.  If you were stronger you could control it.   You could hold it in and still experience it without letting it control you, even for a moment.

But most people who hold in such emotions, don't do that last part... they don't still experience it.  They bury it completely.  It take strength to do that... that's just not a good thing.  That strength is bad.

I should also add that the good/bad part of that equation is situation.  If you cry when someone is hurt or dies, then that's appropriate.  If you cry whenever a butterfly dies or when the wind is chilly, then you just need to stop.  Those are not cry worthy events.

11) Would you break the law to save a loved one?

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I'm going to stop there.  I could keep writing and writing and writing, but I actually do have other thing to do today.  There are 25 questions on that particular list, and evidently they culled these from a site that regularly asks this style of questions.  So, I'll pick up on this eventually and answer more.  This is fun.

C