Getting everything in order

Twice in the past couple weeks I've caught myself thinking about dying.  Since the first focused thoughts, it's been mulling around in the back of my head.

The first time it crossed my mind I was heading in to work.  I had to go early as I was stopping by the local (local to work, not my house) court house to pay my speeding ticket.  I had no idea how long the process would take so I gave myself an extra hour.

It took 5 minutes.  So I had 55 minutes to kill.  I ended up in a parking lot near to the prison so that I could smoke and listen to the radio.  If it had been a 'normal' day I probably would have done just that... but I was getting over a cold.

A quick aside... I don't get over colds as fast as I used too.  My annual 'colds' used to last 3 or 4 days.  From the fist cough to the final one.  While some colds do last that long, I get sick more often now and sometimes they last for weeks.  Let's face it, I don't take good care of myself and with 16 years of smoking in my rearview mirror, it's no wonder that colds last longer.  Anywho...



So I'm sitting in my car, listening to the radio and trying to cough up all the phlegm that seems to be stuck in my upper lungs and bronchi.  That got me thinking to Dad.  There was a time when he had a cold that lasted for a long time.  He couldn't seem to clear his lungs and throat for a few weeks.  He went to the doctor and got some antibiotics and it almost got better... but never went fully away.

Long story short;  it was lung Cancer.  It wasn't diagnosed for a few months.  While I'm still working on the assumption that this is just a long lasting cold, I can't completely discount the possibility of this being Cancer. It's now been three weeks and while all the other symptoms have faded away, I'm still producing a lot of phlegm.

That got me to thinking not about HOW I would die (if it's lung cancer, then that's obviously what would kill me), but how I would live out the few scant months I have.   My Dad was convinced by the oncologists and his family that going through chemo therapy was the right choice.  Some family members wanted that as there was the slim chance that the chemo would save Dad.  The oncologists suggested chemo not because it would save him but because it would lengthen his life.  Without chemo; 3 months.  With chemo; 4-6 months.
I believe Dad's thought process was simply looking for a miracle.  An extra 3 months was 3 more months where a miracle could occur.  That and the fact that his wife (Mom) wanted every second she could have with him.

Going down this road of thought made me wonder what my choice would be.  Honestly, unless the oncologists gave me a decent chance of chemo saving my life I think I'd go without it.  If I'm going to die, then let death come sooner.

Now obviously my family would know about this diagnosis.  I'd have to be sick enough (or sick enough of being just a bit 'sick') to go to the doctor.  To get a diagnosis of Cancer requires several tests, all of which would require going to the hospital.  I just wouldn't hide that information from them.  So... Mom and my brothers would know about my dianosis and therefore be aware of my decision to die sooner rather than later.

If Mom knows, then my aunt would know as they are each other's confidant.  But with my current level of thinking, I don't believe I'd let anybody else know.  My more distant relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins...) just don't need to know.  I'm thinking that I'm going to have a hard enough time dealing with my now imminent mortality.  I don't want to deal with their pity.    Yes, we're family, but we're not exactly close.

My friends.  Hmm.... I'm really on the fence here.

Not letting them know.  The advantage here is that I could have one final visit with them.  A normal 'hey how are you doing' visit that defines our friendship.  I could experience that same happiness one last time.  I also wouldn't be around to experience their sorrow... and dealing with other people's sorrow would be so difficult.  I could take my time to write up a long personal 'goodbye' to them.  Let them know just how special their friendships have been to me.

Letting them know.  The advantage here is that I wouldn't be lying.  I find it so difficult to lie.  Could I really visit with them and no break down in tears as I realized this is the last time I'll see them?  If I did break down, could I continue the lie and still not tell them?  And if that happens, then haven't I really just destroyed the whole 'one last normal visit' idea?

So.... I think I'd tell my two closest friends.  My other friends... I'd write them the letters and have them passed on after I pass on.

That leaves online.  I have two (two and a half?) sets of online friends to deal with.  My 'facebook' friends and my 'Caitlyn' friends.  The 'half' is separated from my Caitlyn blog and this blog here.  I don't think I'd let my facebook friends know.  I'd just simply pass away and stop participating.  They can find out from the obituary or from family members saying so.

My old Caitlyn blog would remain as dark as it's been for the past month.  Yes, there are some friends there that aren't part of this blog, but I wouldn't want to broadcast this out in that way.

That leaves here.  This blog currently serves two purposes.  1) A place for me to just ramble on and let out my thoughts as they are.  2) A place for me to let my friends know I'm still around and kicking.  This would be the place where I would let it all out.  With my family and friends I would certainly hold things back... pain, damning memories that I want to redeem, thought of a future now denied me... I would want to be 'strong' for them.  But I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't have regrets.  Regrets that I would want to form into words and stories and history.  So I think I'd lay that all out here.

The other time that death really crossed my path was actually from Mom.  Out of nowhere one morning she asked if I would be financially OK if she passed away.  I knew what she was talking about... could I afford to keep the house, pay the bills, and help take care (financial care) of my brother who lives with us.  I answered her quickly that I could in fact take care of it.  I answered quickly because I've already thought this through.

If Mom passes away, at the very least I'd have to pick up the annual taxes on the house along with the daily living bills (cable, power, gas, water, garbage, food...).  More than likely I'd also pick up a mortgage.  The house will be left to my two brothers and I.  My younger brother already has a house for his family and he's indicated that he wouldn't want to live here.  So with a mortage I could buy off his portion of Mom's 'estate'.  I could also buy out my older brother if he so wishes, although I really don't know how he'd feel about that.  He may want the cash, or he may want to have this be 'our' house.

But even adding those things on, they would be less than what I'm currently paying mom.  So financially I'd be OK.  But what about the opposite?  What debt would I leave if I die?

My biggest debt by far is my student loan(s).  Thankfully, death would eliminate that.  Neither Mom nor my brothers are associated with that.  My car is next up, but I have insurance on that.  If I die, it's paid off.  So Mom and my brothers could split the value of Fiona (or more likely just let someone else have her).  My credit car is on my very old account at the credit union.  There is a slim chance that it's old enough that Dad was a cosignee on it.  I'm not quite sure how that works... did Dad's association with my card transfer over to Mom when he passed away?  If so, does that mean that she owes for my credit card?  At the moment, I don't owe a lot on the card... I think its just over a grand.  But that's still real money.

Health Insurance.  Even if I forego Chemo, dying isn't cheap.  Hospice care can take a big bite.  And if I only have three months to live, will I be working and therefore earning my insurance?  If I don't continue to work, I guess I could pony up the cash for COBRA insurance... but that  could be hundreds if not thousands of dollars.  If I'm not bringing in money, then that's cashola that Mom has to spend.

Life Insurance.  Once I pass, there should be a good payout.  I believe my life insurance through work is worth twice my annual salary.  Even taking out all my bonuses and premiums (for example my shift premium) that should still be over $100,000.  If I recall correctly that is fully payable now.  So even digging a little pre-death debt, I should leave my family in good condition.  Mom currently relies on the cash I'm paying her each month but that should easily pay off her car (that I'm paying for) and the home credit line (that I'm helping pay for).

So at the least, If I were to die I won't be a financial burden to my family.

I don't' know what's keeping these morbid thoughts in my head.  Maybe it's because I'm now in a position where my finances matter.  Maybe it's because I still have that tickle of phlegm.  Maybe it's because I've surpassed the big Four Oh and my death is far closer to me than my birth.  Hopefully writing this out will set my mind at ease.  It's not as though it's bringing me down... but it is a cloud pushing my silver lining out thinner and thinner.