Migraine
The migraine news continues to be good. When I last wrote an update I had just finished a 4 day migraine. I then went 14 days migraine free! That means I had 4 days of migraines in 34 days! I'm either in a migraine or finishing up with one right now but it's only bee 4 days and has been relatively mild.
I'm incredibly hopeful that my neurologist will have another treatment that will knock this down just a bit more.
To put this in perspective on how optimistic I am, my biggest worry that I track is what job I'll take when I'm ready to return to work. I'll talk more about that below, but basically my optimistic timeline works like this. I see my neurologist at the end of March. I get a new med and start treating in the first week of April. It works but I wait two months to confirm that I'm below 3 days of non-working migraines. That puts me into early June. I start applying and start my new job in early July (which feels so right since my first nursing job started in July and my last nursing job in late June!). I work for a couple months to again confirm that the migraine improvement wasn't a fluke. At the end of August or in early September, I start shopping for a new car (probably a brand new Lincoln Nautilus).
I am THAT optimistic right now!!!
Mental Health
I'd love to say that I'm feeling better, but I'm still in a cloud of 'blah'. Some of that is strangely enough due to my optimistic feelings. I have to wait until the end of the month to tell my neurologist I'm feeling better so I'm just treading water in the meantime.
So... I'm treading water. Not good, not bad. Just blah.
Physical Health
As blah as I am with my mental health, I'm kind of screwed on the drug side effects. After talking to my NP, I came completely off the Cogentin and have been Cogentin free since March 5th. My muscle tremors are actually doing better, and my dry mouth seems to have cleared up, but my urinary problems are still going strong. I may have to see my doctor about that as it might not even be Cogentin related. But if I do see him, I'm going to get sent to a urologist. I really don't want to see a urologist.
The sleeping problem remains. It feels like I could go to sleep at any time. I've had several days where I'm sleeping for more than 10 hours and the only reason every day isn't like that is that I'm setting alarms to wake up at 6 AM. Just yesterday I woke up naturally at 5:54 AM. 6 minutes before my alarm is going to go off. I figure I'll go ahead and get out of bed, but actually fall asleep before I can muster up my legs to move. The alarm goes off at 6 and I tell it to stop... and fall right back asleep. I have my phone set up across the room with an alarm at 6:07 AM and it goes off. To turn it off I have to get out of bed, so I get up take the one step it takes (hey, my room is small!) and turn it off. And before I can stop myself, I find that I'm backing up and ready to get back into bed. And that was after 8.5 hours of sleep!
I have no idea what could be causing this problem with sleeping.
And I have another physical health... issue? I mean, it's not really a problem but it's a change none the less. My appetite has completely gone away. I can't finish a plate of food and often can't even finish a single sandwich for lunch. My nighttime snacking is almost nil. I've even lost weight, going from around 250lbs to 238lbs. It's the first time I've been below 240lbs in like two years. I THINK this is from coming off the Depakote as when I started that years and years ago, I was incredibly hungry.
Regardless of the reason, I'll mention it to my doctors. Unless they think its bad and warrants intervention, I don't want to do anything to stop it. At least not until I drop below 220lbs as that'd put me my lightest since High School. And I grew a couple inches in height AFTER High School!
Finances
God I hate my long term disability company. I saw the medical examiner and it was as expected. My LTD got approved through April 8th, which is when I next see my normal neurologist. He'll send the paperwork in that I'm not able to return to work and the LTD should get approved until it fully expires in August.
The part that pissed me off is that the LTD was approved up to seeing the medical examiner which was on February 25th. That meant I got paid for February 1st through the 25th, three days shy of the full month. Then they approved it through April 8th, but didn't immediately pay me for the 3 remaining days.
So, I wrote them a message on their website and asked about it. They took a couple days to answer, but said that I was approved for those days (which I already knew) and that my next payment date was the end of March. Fine. It sounds like I should just expect my March payment to be 3 days heavy. Except when I did my finances later in March I found out that they HAD paid me for the 3 day discrepancy. In fact, they'd paid me BEFORE I they replied to me saying that I'd get it at the end of March.
Fuckers.
One thing that crossed my mind is that I'm currently waiting a hearing in front of a judge for my social security disability application. That still might take months to even schedule. I really don't have new evidence, I just need to stand up in front of the judge and state my case. Social Security MIGHT approve it, which means they'd back pay me from August of 2023. BUT, if they do approve it and they do pay me the back pay... I'd have to give it all to my LTD company. So... since I'm feeling better and hope to return to work soon... so I even bother? Hell, I'd rather my LTD be out the cash instead of the federal government.
I don't know where else to put this, so since it involves money I'll put it here.
My COBRA insurance finally ran out on March 16th. Knowing I had to keep insurance, i went to the healthcare marketplace to do my shopping. My initial criteria was that it had to cover all of my current doctors and as many of my meds as possible. That immediately narrowed it down to three plans from Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Their bronze, silver, and gold plans. It's such a fucked up system that I have to compare the plans. Basically the bronze plan didn't pay out a think until I'd met my $3000 deductible. That means paying out of pocket for all my doctor's visits as well as out of pocket for all my meds. THAT would be expensive! But the plan only cost around $200 a month. I should add that I qualified for a nearly $400 monthly discount. Now, the Gold plan cost almost $800 a month, but it would start covering everything normally from day one. $30 doctor visits, $15 medical copays.
Of course, all of this is moot if I get back to work in July!
In the meantime, I'm currently without insurance as they would only start it on April 1st instead of March 17th. And yes, if you're keeping track, I'll have one visit with my neurologist before my new insurance starts up.
Family/Friends
I chatted with E and it sounds like he got a place in Austin. I no longer have a friend in San Francisco. He couldn't chat at the time, so he said we'd catch up this week and maybe talk about getting together down there. He even said that his place has room for guests.
Humorously enough, I now look at getting together with A & E as something a little more urgent. After all, I should be starting my new job in July!
Everyone else is healthy and happy family and friends wise.
Entertainment
Frustratingly I caught up with The Rookie. After I finished watching the 'newest' episode I had to wait three weeks until the next episode came out. And it was so frustrating watching just a single episode of it when I'd binge watched 7 SEASONS of it!
Anyway, I'll keep up with the new episodes as they come out. Maybe next year I'll let the whole year pass before I start to watch it again.
In the meantime, I watched the 2nd season of 'What If..' and then slid into Star Trek Enterprise. I remember watching this when it was new and I really disliked the first couple seasons. The third season, which is entirely about them finding a race called the Xindi that wants to blow up earth, is great. The fourth season is awesome too as it has several two and three parter episodes.
New Tech
No new tech, but I did get a new pair of glasses. When I saw my optometrist at the end of January my vision hadn't changed since my last visit. No need for new glasses, which I was more than happy enough to NOT spend hundreds of dollars. When I walked out I paid my bill for the exam and told them that I'd probably see them in about six months as my current glasses had some micro scratches that collected a lot of dust.
I probably should have said anything as since then I couldn't STOP seeing those damned scratches and dust. I finally relented a couple weeks ago and went in to buy a new pair. I probably wouldn't have got new frames but they had my exact frames in a new color. Understand, I've been wearing black framed glasses for decades. Last year I saw that they had my current at the time frames in a new color. Brown. It was a subtle difference, but they were distinctly NOT black.
Anyway, the new color I saw on their display rack was Blue. I probably would have always wanted something 'odd' like this, but would have pushed it off as something I couldn't do. Something that was more feminine. Well... I'm now unabashedly Queer, so YAY!
Writing
I have had the most difficult time getting myself to write. I know what should happen next in Gamer Gurl, but I can't get into Sadie's headspace. I don't know why. But every time I bring it up and put my fingers over the keyboard, I just sit there. And stare.
I don't know how many chapters I have left, but it's about two major plot points. Sadie learning to sexually please as a girl and their trip to Japan where she'll lose her sponsorship and set up Part III.
I'm just sitting here shaking my head as there isn't much to write out. I just don't have the mojo right now.
Michigan Football
I'm going to leave this section in as I'll be adding to it more once we get closer to the season, but for the longest time it's probably going to sit empty. And while I'll leave it named 'Michigan' Football, it's where I'll write anything College Football related.
Computer Issues
Had another larger windows update about a week ago and the wallpaper issue came back. And it's hanging on. I really REALLY wish I knew what was doing this.
Job Choices
So, let's pretend that it's June, I'm feeling much better about the migraines and I get to return to work. I know I'd like to return to State Employment. There is basically three jobs that I could get. Let's take a look at all three, focusing both on benefits and problems with each one.
First, go back to the job I had. This was a nurse manager position at the high security state mental health hospital. It's probably the lowest stress of any of the jobs. My biggest problem while doing it was boredom. There seriously wasn't much going on. Then again, I also started the job just as the migraines were ramping up. I couldn't even get through the training and orientation without taking days off from the migraines.
The benefits are; low stress, and the easiest re-integration as I had this job last year. I don't think I was ever in a position where my job and ability to do it put anybody's life in my hands. Sure, there were 'emergencies' of the mental health kind. A fight, a threat, even one suicide attempt. But that's nothing compared to what I was doing at the prison. It was very nice not bringing that job home with me. I DID bring the prison job home with me plenty of times. The re-integration goes for applying for the job and starting it up. I mean, I worked with the assistant nursing directors to make sure I left in a way that the door would remain open for me coming back.
The cons are; it's boring, there is a distinct lack of teamwork, less job satisfaction as I seriously don't think my job was that important. I remember a fellow nurse manager telling me that I should just keep working through the migraines as "the job doesn't matter and it isn't important". And she was right. My work ethic couldn't let me do a job when I'm incapacitated and thank the Goddess as the migraines got so much worse after I left the job. A normal day was getting in, finding what unit or units I'd be working, getting report on said units, going to the units and help setting up the staffing, do a tour, do the daily tasks.... and that's about it. It took all of an hour to get done with my daily tasks. There were several other tasks through the week, but none of them were important or imaginative. That's both boring and unsatisfying.
At the prison there are several layers of staff. Administrative staff, officers, food service workers, and healthcare. In healthcare there are medical assistants, LPNs, RNs, and medical professionals including NPs, PAs, MDs, and DOs. But we all outside of some bad apples, felt like a team. We, for the most part understood our lane and we stayed in it, helping out around us where we could. That's just not true at the state hospital. There are a lot of psychiatrists at the hospital, many therapists from many different disciplines, and then the nursing staff. The FSAs and FSSs were a different group and it always felt like there was friction as the nurses ran the unit, but they didn't see it that way. The FSSs were worried about their jobs and it was justifiable as they were eliminating the position. They were the main supervisors of the FSAs so their distrust in the nurse managers and nurses were taught to the FSAs.
Another slight disadvantage was the shift. I didn't mind the hours that much but it was working every third or fourth weekend and every other holiday. But that might mirror the prison system if I've heard right.
The most analogous (heh... anal) position to that is the nurse manager position at the prison. I had that at my original facility for almost three years. The biggest problem is trying to remember what it was before COVID hit. As there was a significant black and white difference between before and after COVID. Before was doing the job. After was trying not to die. There were also differences between being fairly well staffed and vastly understaffed. When we were understaffed, I had to do the floor nurses job on several occasions.
But, trying to think of the pre-covid time, I think the benefits were loving the job, loving working with the staff (even when it was a cantankerous job), the schedule, and just the sense of pride I had doing it. The cons are retraining and trying to get the job. I'm fairly sure if there was a manager position open at my original facility (basically 'my' job opening back up) I could slip in and be comfortable in applying. It would also help with the retraining as I could trust the nurse management staff and even the nurses to help me get back into the groove.
I had a nurse from that facility message me on Facebook, telling me that they were short a manager. But that was a month ago and will be four months before I even start applying. If I can't get in there, then I'm open to getting into other positions, but I applied for three positions when I was still working at the hospital and I tanked them all. I had migraines during the interviews, but it's not like I can say that in another interview... "Hey, I remember interviewing with you before, but please don't consider that as I was a medial mess then!" It doesn't exactly speak well of me and my judgement.
I think if I want to go down this lane, the best thing I could do is contact the HUM at that facility and see if she was both still short on nurse managers and was willing/happy for me to come back. If both are yes, then I can slide in. If no, then the mental health hospital becomes an easier and better bet.
The last job really is returning to being a floor nurse at the prison. This is specifically NOT a floor nurse job at the hospital. At the hospital the nurses are primarily pill pushers. I hate doing med lines. BUT, being a floor nurse at the prison DOES mean doing some pill pushing. If I'm out in the RTP units, that would be the majority of my job. And as I'd have no seniority at all, even if I were in the clinics I'd likely get pushed into the med rooms often.
The benefits of returning to floor nursing is that it was probably the most satisfying job I had. I felt like I was making a difference in my patients health care. The manager position is just a step away, so less hands on. The money should honestly be fine as there were major pay raises coming when I left. I think the floor nursing position now pays almost as much as I was earning as a manager (the manager position is now that much more). It should also be easy to get in as they are always hiring. The nurse manager positions are limited and don't always open up that quick, but they have a long standing position to apply for that's basically applying to ALL floor nursing positions.
The cons are a little more nebulous. First, I might be in the position to being an 'underling' seniority wise, to nurses that I had previously managed. Even if the staff are fine (and I bet they would be after some initial hazing since I had their respect for the most part), there's still the fact that I'd be low man on the list. That means working in the med room. Often. I still got the occasional med room assignment before I transferred to the other prison and that was with three years seniority. As a manger I might have to work the floor sometimes but I'm always able to make sure that means I'm on the floor and not in the med room.
So, I was hoping that typing all this out would lead to a more easy choice, but I'm still as stuck as before. It'd be easy peasy to get back into the state hospital. It'd be way more satisfying to get in as a nurse manager in the prison. It would be incredibly easy to get a floor nurse position in the prison.
Ah well, I have months to think about it. Who knows what will happen in the mean time.
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