Moving Back Home

Yeah, you read that right.  I'm moving back home.  

No, it's not the ideal situation.  I'm not sure if I talked about my plan moving back or not but it went like this:  

• The vaccination comes out
• Check!
• Mom, B, and I all get the full vaccination
• The 'full vaccination' takes two weeks after the 2nd shot
• I've been fully vaccinated
• B got his first shot this past Tuesday
• Mom got her first shot yesterday
• They both should wait 4 weeks, get their second shots, then wait the two weeks
• Assuming no side effects, B and I move back

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  But last week was Mom's birthday and I forgot.  It was actually a bad migraine day.  That evening, when the migraine was receding, I called Mom and we chatted for a bit.  What she shared with me tossed out everything about the above plan.  You have to understand, Mom has always been strong.  Before her body failed her (soon after Dad died) she was a true force to be reckoned with.  Mentally, spiritually, and physically.  But during her grief for her father and husband within six months, then a few months later having her heart all but give out, then a few months later having the surgery completely fail... well it was like she aged 20 years.  And it wasn't just the physical aging.   She went from my strong mother to a kindly, grandmother type figure.  It was... hard to deal with.  

I'm not sure exactly when, but sometime before dad died, mom started taking an antidepressant.  It was a very small dose of a very mild antidepressant, but it was still a sign of her accepting help.  Again, she was an incredibly strong woman and I don't recall her needing, wanting, or seeking out help before that.  So, it was a big step for her.  But afterward, when it was clear she needed more, she didn't continue it.  Antidepressants aren't quick remedies.  You take a dose for weeks or months and have to reassess.  You start on small doses as you don't want to overmedicate, but often there is a huge range of doses that can be effective.  Mom never took that trip up the dose chain.  And I've confronted her about that directly, using the example of the antianxiety medication I take.  She just wouldn't budge.  

So on that phone call, on her birthday that I'd forgotten, almost a year after we separated for her health, she admitted that on her own, she upped the dose of her antidepressant.  The nurse side of me went into a screaming, ranting, fit.  You don't just mess around with drugs like that and should do them under the guidance of your doctor... whether that's a psychiatrist or your general practicioner... to make sure there are no bad side effects or specifically in Mom's case with the full pharmacy of pills she takes and conditions she has, that there are no drug interactions.  But the son side of me just stopped, gobsmacked.  Mom  was internally admitting she was depressed and that she needed help.  That's... that's huge.  

Ever since Mom moved to my aunt's old house, she's wanted this to be over.  She's wanted us all (R, B, me, and her) to be back together.  To put it in a patronizing way, she wanted her boys back.  And while it broke my heart to be the firm voice saying 'no' all the time to her desires, I knew it was for the best.  Yes, it was harming her mental health but it was also keeping her physical health intact.  It doesn't matter what your mental health is like if you die.  But it's a year later.  Having the country vote President Trump out didn't make her feel better.  Seeing President Biden take office didn't make her feel better.  Hearing how effective the vaccines would be didn't make her feel better. 

She wanted her boys back. 

So, with my heart fully broken, seeing how far she'd gone down, and knowing that we'd taken about 80% of the steps toward a safe reunion... we decided after the first shots for B and mom and a week or so to make sure there weren't any side effects, we'd move back.  That's next weekend.  I have Saturday and Sunday off, B had Sunday and Monday.  I'll be back in my bed at home Saturday night.  Be will join us Sunday night.  I'll have all of my stuff back home Sunday, B will be fully moved in on Monday.  

I am so excited for mom.  I honestly believe this will make her happy.  I know it sounds so self aggrandizing (My presence will make her better!), but I do believe it will make a big difference.  That's reason enough to do it.  

BUT, I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't giving up a lot.   Let's look at some advantages and disadvantages about being here:

• Advantages
• Far more than home, this feels like my space.  
• I know it's not mine.  This is my cousin's house and they're moving back soon, but for now only B and I make decisions and we only make them when we agree.  If I don't want something, then it doesn't happen.  At home that rule extends to my room.  
• Two bathrooms
• I can't emphasize this enough, I hate timing what I want/need to do with other people's bathroom schedules.  
• Getting up early because R gets up and uses the bathroom in the timeframe I want it.  
• Being rushed out of the bathroom because someone else has to use it urgently.  
• Holding back my own needs because someone else is in there.  Or worse, rushing them out because of my urgent need. 
• Garage parking
• For the summer I parked outside.  It honestly doesn't bother me to park Nina outside as she's gorgeous.  BUT, I can't stand leaves hitting her and I don't want to defog the windows in the winter, let alone brush the snow off of her.  So, in November we moved the cars around and moved Nina in the garage.  
• Going home means parking back under Nina's tent like covering.  
• Eating what I want, when I want.  
• This isn't quite true.  B cooks and when he's not working he makes dinner.  BUT he timed dinner to be on the table within 30 minutes of me getting home and we're on a similar wavelength when it comes to food.  Mainly... get good food to eat!  Mom is stuck in the past and gets cheap food to eat.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  
• B and I also like to experiment with food.  B has MANY food dislikes (all seafood, pork, meat on bone, many vegies...) but if you mention a foreign dish that doesn't include those things he's more than willing to try it.  
• When B isn't here, I do eat what I want when I want it.  That's primarily DoorDash but still... my choice. 
• Disadvantages
• I can't smoke inside.  
• I've already had a cigarette since starting writing this, and I want another one right now.  If I were home, I'd just light one up, take a puff, and let most of it burn out next to me.  Now, I have to step outside (the garage while it's bitterly cold outside) and smoke so I damned well better smoke the entire fucking cigarette. 
• Ultimately, this isn't home. 
• It might only be my room, but my room is designed and laid out exactly how I want it.  This, being my cousin's house, isn't mine to move around.  I don't like all these angel pictures and God sayings that are on the wall... but it's not mine to move around or change.  I don't like the couch, but it's not mine to toss out and get a new one.  I want a smart lock like we have at home, but it's not my house to change.  
• The lack of my stuff
• Kind of an extension of the above, but I don't have my stuff.  My comfortable bed.  My nice big desk.  My books.  My art.  My couch.  My closet and dresser.  My comfy computer chair.  

The advantages and disadvantages of moving back home are simple.  Advantage, mom is happier and I get to take care of her.  Done.  

The problem is planning the move back.  When mom moved here in March last year, I knew it would be temporary.  I knew eventually B and I would either move into an apartment to get mom back home, or we'd move here.  So I had a plan on what I needed to take and how to get it packed up.  Moving out took an afternoon.  Sure, it took a few days to get it all settled in, but get the computer, bathroom stuff, bedroom stuff, and clothes, and we're outta there.  Getting out of here will be different. 

First, my niece is here.  Second, my cousin is moving back here on the same weekend we're moving out (that's just coincidental timing).  So we need to get my niece A moved out first.  She's going back to her mother's house (which actually is her mother's mother's house, but I don't want to go down the road of explaining that).  A has her clothes, bathroom stuff, and bedroom stuff.  But she also has her plants.  I don't know when she started getting into plants, but I swear she could fill an entire room with her plants (they've all but taken over her bedroom).  That alone will be several trips.  

She's moving back this weekend, so naturally she should be ready, right?  Yeah, no.  She hasn't packed a thing.  I normally wouldn't care, but once she's out of her bedroom I have to move into that room and get this one ready for my cousin.  This is the master bedroom and is obviously the place he should stay.  This will involve me moving the beds around (My aunt's old bed has an old school frame and headboard that make it a pain), taking my computer desk apart and moving the whole rig into the other room, and finally moving my clothes and such.  

But that 'and such' isn't nothing.  I'm looking over to the dresser top right now and all my 'and such' there.  This dresser is a good six feet wide and I have stuff from one side to the other.  On one end is my medical supplies.  Pen needles, sharps container, glucose strips, cotton balls, sixteen pill bottles, my insulin injectable pen, and my Ozempic injectable pen.  I have my masks there.  Understand, I have a collection of twelve masks for work and another six or so additional ones.  Next to that is my Apple Watch and some boxes of personal items purchased while here.  Two wallets, some accessories, the aforementioned Apple Watch.  Next to that are my checkbooks and pile of one dollar bills (vending machine fare at work).  Next to those are two box lids that serve as my valet.  Those hold my two work watches, my ring, my two challenge coins, my work pocket gear (note pad, pen, ID, nametag), my wallet, and my keys.  Finally next to that are my tie bars for work.  All of that needs to move.  I don't even want to go into all the crap that's on my computer desk.  

So, hopefully A moves out today (Saturday) and I can finish the swap tomorrow.  Then I can spend the rest of the day getting the house ready for my cousin.  Some of that is moving out the extra supplies we've purchased like sandwich bags, paper plates, some specialized food and/or spices. Some of that is cleaning/dusting everything.  Some of that is sweeping out the garage (fucking plants and their damned potting soil!).  Some of that will be moving some of my stuff back home because it's just expanded so much while here.  

I've decided that it's best to just leave the TV.  Deep down, I know it's a good decision.  I don't have use for another TV.  The one at home is much MUCH better.  None of my family has need for a TV like this.  BUT... that fucker cost over $500.  The smart speaker setup cost another $500.  The TV stand?  $200 all on it's own.   That's $1,200 worth of TV stuff I'm just giving to my cousins.  But I guess it's better than loading it up, driving it home, and carrying it down into the basement. 

I really can't wait to move back home.  After all, it's Home.