Anticipating

You know... I love looking forward to things.  At this very moment (its about 7 AM, Saturday morning, November 4th) I am looking forward to my brother coming over and watching College Game Day.  I'm looking forward to possibly playing Dungeons and Dragons with my brother, nephews, and a friend this afternoon.  I'm looking forward to watching Michigan crush Minnesota this evening.  I'm looking forward to talking to my brother as we always find something interesting to discuss (a couple weeks ago it was white privilege!).  I'm looking forward to Sunday where I only have to do a bit of shopping and some laundry but is other wise a day off.  I'm looking forward to returning to work on Monday as I battled a migraine most of last week and work was just awful.  I'm looking forward to driving up north for a work meeting on Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to a three day weekend next weekend.  I'm looking forward to the Thanksgiving 4 day weekend.  I'm looking forward to Michigan Vs Ohio State.  I'm looking forward to Christmas.  I'm looking forward to Michigan's bowl game (can you tell that it's a football Saturday yet?).  I'm looking forward to the point where I can order my new phone and then receive it (the damned Pixel 2 XL black and white version has been out of stock since it went on pre-order back on October 4th!).  I'm looking forward to my birthday.  I'm looking forward to Mardi Gras.  I'm looking forward to having my credit cards paid down and maybe a Summer vacation.  I'm looking forward to a trip to Grand Rapids, a weekend in Chicago, and a trip up north (three trips in the nebulous planning stage with a friend).  I'm looking forward to Winter.  I'm looking forward to Spring.  I'm looking forward to Summer.  I'm looking forward to (next) Autumn.


In short, I'm constantly looking forward.  Now don't get me wrong, I do take the time to enjoy the 'now'.  I'm enjoying writing this up, I'm enjoying the memories of my New Orleans trip, I'm enjoying my current phone, I'm enjoying the book I'm reading (Skin Game), and I'm enjoying the current shows I'm watching (Stranger Things 2 and The Walking Dead).

But is almost always looking forward bad for me?  I mean through college I was constantly looking forward to being married.  To having met the woman of my life, wooed her, married her, and even had children with her.  I was so focused on what that would be that I didn't do the actual ground work to set up such a relationship.  And by the time I was 'ready' for it... well I'm a couple months shy of 44 now and the thought of finding, wooing, marrying, and impregnating a woman seems like just so much fantasy now.

I guess first I have to figure out if this is a problem or if it's just something that IS.  Is it stopping me from doing something now, or is it protecting me against the boredom of now.  I listed a bunch of things that I'm looking forward to, but I don't believe any of those things are really blocking anything else.  If I look at the 'big' things in life, I'm looking at relationships and maybe a home.

...

Since writing that paragraph I've distracted myself in a number of ways.  I went to the bathroom.  I got myself a soda.  I looked up when I bought my mouse (I just bought a new one yesterday and was curious how long I'd had the last one).  And I think I just figured out what I was doing... I was trying to distract me from the obvious conclusion to both of those.  Relationships and a home of my own.  They both have one thing that's causing me to look past and not deal with.

Mom dying.

Even if I thought I was going to get married and have a loving romantic relationship, I can't start it now.  I live with my mother.  Yeah yeah yeah... I have good reasons and I stand behind them, but that's at least a 4 minute conversation that still starts with 'I'm 44 years old and live with my mother'.  That's an embarrassment I save myself by simply never putting myself in a position to have to talk about it.  Even outside of romantic relationships... how do I exactly make good deep friendships with that baggage hanging around my neck.

As for the home, I look around and try to figure out what I want.  Do I want a house?  A condo?  Do I want to stay in my home town?  Do I want to move to a bigger city (Lansing?  Detroit? Chicago?)?  But the answer to all those questions begin with when I would 'move out'.  I figure I have between 20 and 25 working years left in me.  That's enough to get a decent mortgage.  But that window is closing fast especially since I don't have a down payment.  It would be hard to set up a mortgage before my student loans are paid off too.  But the when is more important than the 'how much' and the when is.... when Mom dies.  I'm not leaving her alone.  So... 1 year?  5?  10?  The reality is I'm probably living in 'my home' now.  It will just transfer from Mom to me when she passes away.  Instead of selling it I'll take out a big home improvement loan and change it more to my liking.  Redo the electrical and plumbing.  Redo the kitchen and bathroom.  Tear down some walls and do some painting.

Yeah.... I didn't intend to write about this, but I think I have to stop beating around the bush and just accept it.  I'm anticipating the death of my mother.  I'm putting the only major things left in my life on hold until that occurs.

I have to say.... I'm ashamed of that thought.

I'm a fucking monster.