President Trump
I don't like him. I don't like him as a person or a politician. But I don't think I can say I like or dislike his policies because I don't get the feeling that he has any real policies beyond Making America Great Again. And no... I don't know what he means by that. Let's cover all of that piece by piece.
Him as a person. He's a twit. He has a five year old's mentality. If you insult him, he'll insult you back. What ever he does is 'great' and probably the 'greatest' ever. He cares about reviews. Now I didn't like George W Bush as a person either. I felt that he was honestly against intelligent discourse, but even with all the 'Wanted Dead Or Alive' stuff, he still came across as Presidential most of the time. I don't remember him striking out against the press, individual press outlets, and certainly not against individual journalists. I imagined him railing against all of these things in private, but he didn't let that seep into his public persona. President Trump does and it seems to be getting us into trouble. A perfect example of that is North Korea. Can anybody honestly say his bombastic attempt at handling North Korea has caused them to step back their efforts at all? Has it caused them to ratchet up their nuclear and missile tests? In that way, hasn't it also brought us closer to actual war? I mean, at this point are we more or less likely for one of their tests to go horribly wrong and land a missile on Japan? Are we more or less likely for one of their jets to attack one of our jets?
As a politician I dislike him because he stands alone and seems fine with that. I don't think any real republican can say he's the leader of their party. Not with as often as he attacks his own party. His party now runs the entirety of the Congress and the White House and yet we still haven't seen any major legislation come out of it. I don't see him bringing his party together. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see the Affordable Care Act repealed and replaced unless it's with something that covers MORE people, but he's playing the conservative side of his party against the moderate side of his party. Like or dislike President Obama you have to admit that he ran the Democrat party and took advantage of the two years he had control of the federal government.
On his policies... well, I'll try my best to not just come right out and call him a racist. But that gets harder and harder as time goes on. I don't know what he wants for health care policy beyond taking out 'Obamacare'. I don't know if he wants to cover everybody, reduce the taxes on the wealthy, provide better care to people, cover more people, reduce the cost of health insurance... I just don't know. I don't know what he wants for tax reform beyond 'making it better'. Does he want the wealthy to pay less? Corporations to pay less? Does he just want to simplify the tax code? Does he want a flat tax? Cut the middle class taxes? The poor's taxes... I just don't know. But I do know he wants to stop Muslims from coming in. He seems to get that he can't do that, but he keeps pushing these bans on Muslim countries. The court starts to side against him and he just changes it so that the court battle is useless. I might have been able to get behind a temporary ban if I had any believe in his 'until we know whats going on' idea... but that temporary ban would have expired by now and we evidently don't know yet 'whats going on' as we have a new longer ban. And the wall... whether or not he wants it to be a real wall or just symbolic stand in for immigration policy, he seems to want to stop Mexicans and central american's from coming into the country because... reasons?
So I can't really rail against his policies as he doesn't seem to have any. That really just leaves the idea of him being corrupt. There doesn't seem to be any hard evidence that he colluded with the Russians... but he almost seems to relish sowing doubt into that. He and his team never talked to the Russians... until we find out that they did. And then when they did talk to them it was about adoption or some other non harmful thing... until we find out that it was actually about the election. But the Russian's didn't actually do anything... until we find out that they did do something. They way he fired Director Comey is suspicious, the way he attacks Mueller is suspicious, the way he attacks his own Attorney General is suspicious. So I can't call him corrupt or say he should be thrown out of office, but it seems awfully suspicious.
But most of all... I hate that people still support him. I keep looking at him on television and wondering how someone else can look at that and think "Yeah! I like that!". What exactly are these people liking? I can understand the 'Anybody but Clinton' people, especially those that say President Trump is awful... but I can't understand his true supporters and it gives me pause as I wonder just how great our country is.
New Phone
So My Google Pixel XL is just under a year old. It's been working fabulously. The OS runs fast and smooth. It feels wonderful in my hand and the screen looks amazing. The sound is... well, OK the sound kind of sucks, but it can get fairly loud. It connects to my blue tooth head set, my blue tooth speaker, and my car all just fine. It even upgraded to Android 8.0 without a hitch just a few days after it was released. I have a plastic holster that it fits into fine and a sleeve that it slides into when I would rather it sit IN my pocket as opposed to hanging onto my pocket.
I've dropped it a few times and there are some dings on it. I just now took a close look at it, and all four corners are chipped. The screen does have a couple minor scratches but I never noticed them until I put it under a bright light just now and looked for them. The glass on the back has a couple light scratches as well. But seriously, the phone still looks beautiful especially when you consider that I have it 'naked'. I don't have a protective case on it nor do I have a screen protector. The holster and sleeve I use are the only protection and neither really gives it all that much safety.
But regardless of all that... I'm getting a new phone soon. Unless there is some major problem when it's announced, I'm getting the Google Pixel 2 XL. I'll pass my Pixel XL down to my mom and it will serve as the replacement for her Samsung Galaxy Note 5 which just got paid off last month. The reason I'm getting rid of this phone that's doing so well that I'm comfortable giving it to my Mom? I got a phone with only 32Gb of memory and I've been bumping up against that for the past 4 months. I don't store my photos on the phone as I have unlimited Google Photos, and I don't store my documents on the phone as I have several TBs of data through Microsoft's One Drive.... but with just the few apps I have, the OS, and the 10Gbs or so of music, I still have it yell at me over and over that I'm almost full and on occasion it will even stop me from installing a new app because there isn't enough room. Sadly, the phone isn't upgrade-able in that regard, so I'm stuck. And since I'm perfectly happy using Project Fi as my cellular provider, I'm stuck using Google products (technically Motorola is adding a phone to Project Fi this year, but it would be a MAJOR step backward for me).
I think this will be the most disappointing new phone I get in some time. A few years back it was a huge deal when I got my fist Android phone, a Samsung Galaxy S4. Then it was a huge deal when I upgraded it to the massive 6 inch Motorola Nexus 6. Then it was a huge deal when I upgraded that to the Pixel XL. But it hasn't even been a year with this device. It's still head and shoulders above most phones out there. It's battery easily lasts me a full day and it looks gorgeous. Yes, the Pixel 2 XL will be better, but it will be just a baby step. Here's what all the rumors have been saying about the improvements I should expect:
Bigger screen with less bezels
Stereo speakers
Waterproof IP67
Squeezable frame
And that's about it. Oh, and of course more storage space. They won't even offer a 32Gb version and I'm just going to go ahead and skip over the 64Gb size and get into one with 128Gbs.
I'm kind of excited about it... I mean it IS a new phone and should be pretty cool... but even at almost $1000 it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I still can't lollygag though. The last one was hard to get as they were in more demand than supplies and I don't want to keep waiting... so they're going to announce it October 4th and that evening I'll be logging in and ordering it right then and there if it's available, or at the very least finding out when the pre-orders begin.
The nice thing is that my cell bill's won't actually change. I've been paying about $35 a month for Mom's Note 5 for the past 2 years as well as her service through Sprint. With her getting my current Pixel XL, I can move her to Project Fi on a family plan which will save me money and put the Pixel 2 XL on a monthly plan. Easy Peasy!
Lack O Cash
I've had this distinct lack of cash for about a year now. Last year A and I planned this upcoming trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. It would cost us each $1000 and it was an easy 'yes' to have him book it. I figured I could just pay him when I had the money. But beyond a first payment of $300 about 6 months ago, I haven't had the extra cash. Since I got my job as a nurse, I haven't had to pay attention to my finances too closely as I was constantly getting whatever I wanted and still had money piling up and being saved away. My normal savings was bout $2000. For the past year I've had less then $1000 in my savings account. I've also increased my credit card and therefore had to increase my monthly payment on it. I know some of it is the Sears card I took out for the new Fridge as that's a $150 a month payment (that makes sure I take advantage of the no interest deal that was offered and have it paid off within a year). But those increases are only $250 a month. I guess I'm going to have to really look at what I'm spending so much money on. It is my trips? My small purchases? My big purchases?
It hasn't affected me to the point of having to say 'no' to anything yet. I've still taken my drive down to Dallas and my flight down to the Big Easy. I still have my new computer and I'll still get my new phone. But it's not sustainable in the long term.
I was kind of hoping that as I wrote this out it would come to me. A Eureka! type moment. But nothing has... I'm just going to have to sit down with my spreadsheet and figure out where the cash is going.
Moving
The desire to move has struck me again. There's a new combination apartment complex and condo center going up downtown. It's in a really good location and it looks really nice. They're even going to have some retail space in the bottom floor, and are talking about having an 'urban grocery store' there. The one bedrooms are about 800 square feet while the two bedrooms are closer to 1200. They haven't announced pricing yet, but one of the owners has hinted that he believes they'll be worth about $1 per square foot. Rent for $800 a month wouldn't be bad in a nice place like this.
I think part of the desire is watching Mom go downhill. I'm going to cover that more in a bit, but for now just know that she's on oxygen and is tired. Being on Oxygen means my smoking habits have to change. I know, I know... I should be trying to quit smoking anyway. But I'm a stubborn person and when something forces me into something I tend to balk at it pretty bad. And this is forcing me to reduce my smoking. Even with working I was at about a pack a day and now I'm closer to half that. Each time I want a cig I have to stop what I'm doing, put on my shoes (and now a jacket!) and go outside to puff away. I stop watching television, I stop playing a game, I stop writing blog posts, I stop writing at DX. I stop. I don't like to stop once I'm on a roll. And then I'm JUST smoking. Smoking, at least at home, is something I do while I'm doing something else. At least it was.
And Mom's being tired? Yeah, she doesn't spend much time on her computer anymore. She camps out in front of the TV more and more. I do watch quite a bit of TV but in the evenings its almost always whatever Mom happens to be watching. I'm not watching it for enjoyment, I"m watching it to be with her. Trust me, I have no strong desire to flip between CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News for three hours a night. But I do it so that she can enjoy TV and not feel alone. My time of watching TV is the morning.
My mornings are fairly regimented. At least my work mornings. I wake up at 7, I get on the computer and check my email and read some sports stuff and do my facebook for about a half hour. I then get more coffee and attack DX for about a half hour. At that point I generally watch some porn, take care of the itch that the porn creates, then do the whole shit/shower/shave thing. Once I"m cleaned up, I make my lunch for now and for work and pack up the lunch for work. I then take my sandwich into the living room and watch TV until I have to get ready and go to work. That's normally about 45 minutes.
45 minutes of TV a day. That's all I get. I've been watching 'Chance' on Hulu for the past couple months. I know it's been that long as I picked up and paid for Hulu specifically for this show. It's exactly 10 hours long. 10 one hour episodes. Why haven't I finished it? Well some if it is that I DO watch other things like Top Gear America and Last Week Tonight (and Now Star Trek Discovery), and the occasional movie (yes, I watch movies in 45 minute increments). It sucks, but it is what it is. It's the only time I have in front of the TV to watch what I want to watch.
But Mom's tired and now she's in front of the TV at that time too. I haven't watched any Chance for the past 2 weeks and I'm considering canceling Hulu as I just don't know when I WILL have that chance. And paying $12 a month for that chance seems like a pretty bad investment.
I just wonder what I would do if I was living on my own. If I had that three hours back every night, would I watch more TV? Would I spend more time playing games? Would I cap more? Would I spend more time at DX?
How would I design my place? Would I put up a bunch of Michigan Football gear? Would I hang up my own photos? Would I get big prints of my photos? Would I have my computer out in the open instead of right next to my bed? What would I eat? Would I have more fruit around? Would I eat out more? Would I have friends over? Could A come down and visit with me instead of me constantly crashing out on his extra bed? Could A or E come up to visit me from Dallas or San Fran? Would I get wireless speakers up around everywhere and have my music coming out all the time? Would I get a big bookshelf for all my nursing books as well as my Stephen King hard covers? Would I get a condo? An apartment? Would it be luxury? Cheap? Would I park in a garage or under a carport? Would I meet my neighbors? Would I like them? Would I get more friends?
And as much as I want to answer all of those questions and so many more... I can't move. I JUST talked about not having much money above. If I stopped paying Mom everything I do every month I could cover rent... but that wouldn't include food or internet or cable or utilities, or any of the other dozen things I don't currently pay for now. And the most important reason; How could I ever leave Mom. I stood by her when it wasn't hard to do so. What kind of asshole would I be if I stepped away now that it's a little harder.
The very kind of Ass Hole I don't want to be. So done. I'm not leaving.
Mom's Health
Speaking of Mom. Not much has changed. She went to the Doc, has the diagnosis of COPD and a prescription for different inhalers, a nebulizing breathing treatment, and of course Oxygen. She has an appointment with a pulmonologist and will get her COPD classified so that we know just how bad it is. She's taken it better than I thought she would. I haven't got any self-defeating vibes from her. She's accepting being on O2 and working out how it will affect her moving forward.
So... we'll see.
Weight V Size
I'm getting tired of writing right now so this will be brief. I'm getting worried about my weight. I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing weight either. I've gone over my weight before but just to recap; My heaviest was probably just before Dad passed away and even though I had stopped weighing myself I figure I was around 320 pounds. When I started working as a nurse 6 years later I had lost 60 pounds and was hovering around 260 pounds. Working (and I believe a simple level of happiness) helped me put 10 pounds back on taking me to my weight for the past 4 years. 270 pounds. I drop down to 265 and I rise up to 275, but on a month to month, year to year, basis I hover around 270 pounds.
Given the choice I'd of course rather be lighter but considering I don't want to put more effort/exercise in and I don't want to change my eating habits in any significant way.... well that's what I weight and I know how to reduce it, I'm just not willing to do it.
My only problem is... I'm getting smaller. It really struck me when A took a photo of me down in New Orleans. I was holding up a Po Boy sandwich with a big smile on my face. And I was looking almost skinny. Comparatively.
I just looked at that photo again and... yeah... I look small compared to what I normally look like. My jowls are almost completely gone. You can't see my double chin (yeah, it's behind my beard but you could normally still see it peeking out). My wrists look small. My forearms look small. My SHOULDERS look small.
And it's not just in that photo. I've been noticing that my arms look smaller for some time. I figured it was just aging. Fat moving out and loose skin staying. I've also noticed my legs getting smaller. I was in the marching band throughout Jr High School and High School and I had calves of steel ever since. At least ever since a couple years ago. Even my thighs have gotten smaller. Noticeably smaller.
And then there's the fact that other people have noticed. I've been honestly asked if I lost weight by my closest 4 friends, by just about every member of my family and even by some co-workers (remember, I've only been working with this group of coworkers for a couple years now!). I pushed most of these people's opinions off because it's all been in the same time frame as my beard growth. And yes, part of the reason I liked the beard growth was that it made my face look longer which makes it look thinner. But at this point I can't hide from it at all.... I DO look like I've lost weight. I look like I've lost significant weight.
Back to that photo... you know what it really looks like? It looks like me in Highschool. Not my face or hair (or facial hair) as those have changed significantly... but everything else. It looks like I should weigh what I did in my senior year. And back then I weighed 220 pounds.
What the flying fuck can make it look like I've lost 40 pounds? I'm trying not to look at this as a nurse as I've been wrong self diagnosing before... but the only thing that comes to mind is a tumor. It could be some huge tumor in my abdomen that weighs a lot and if removed would let me weight what I look like.
Fuck.
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