If I were at work and someone told me they were feeling how I currently feel, I would put them into protective custody and refer them to mental health. I would do almost everything in my power to stop them from acting on their feelings.
There's several things to consider about a person's suicide intentions. The first is suicidal thoughts. A person imagining a better existence after they die (heaven, hell, purgatory, nothingness... an end to their pain). A person picturing their death, but not in a participatory way. Next there is suicidal ideation. Think of suicidal ideation as the beginning of making a plan. It's not imagining the result, but the method of suicide. Hanging? Gunshot to the head? Jumping off of a high ledge/roof? Pills? The penultimate step is a plan. It's knowing how one would kill themselves and moving on to the peripheral acts... giving away their things, saying goodbyes, writing letters.
I'd say I'm somewhere between ideation and plan. I know I'm there because I've been feeling more and more 'down' over the past few weeks. This morning I went though the suicide prevention screening I'd give a new patient. I don't have a specific reason to kill myself, but many people who commit or attempt suicide don't have a specific reason. I have attempted it in the past. I have a method in mind. I've begun formulating letters and figuring out to whom I'd write those letters. I even have most of the plan in mind.
If I were to commit suicide I'd use my gun. I have a .45 ACP 1911 handgun. I have ammunition for the gun. I've taken it out several times and while it isn't a very accurate gun, it would most certainly fire when the trigger is pulled. I'd put the gun into my mouth and aim it just above where my neck and head meet. You see if you aim there, you hit the mid brain. Shooting yourself in the temple is great if you want to knock out higher brain function and most likely die from shock and blood loss.... but a shot to the mid brain almost ensures death. Behind the temple is the 'thinking' part of your brain. Above your neck is the part of the brain that tells your body to breath. Tells the heart to beat. Tells the body to maintain a temperature.
In short, it's the part of the brain that keeps you alive. Shoot it just about anywhere and you die. It doesn't matter how fast someone tries to save your life.
Beyond knowing how I'd kill myself, I know how I'd do each step. I'd write my letters.... probably individual letters to my family members, letters to my three best friends, and maybe a post on my blog. That would cover just about anyone I would want to say goodbye to. I'd write all the letters first as that may well take hours and hours. I mean, it's hard to write out that I love these people and never want to hurt them, but am unwilling to talk to them and possibly save my life. That an end to life is preferable to any time spent with them in any way? Yeah... that would take some time to articulate. Once the letters were written and saved on the computer I'd get the ammunition and prep the gun. With the gun prepped I'd post to the blog. I'd email out the letters to the friends. I'd print up and position the letters to family (most likely left on my desk... a place they wouldn't look until my body had been found and reported).
With that in place, and no taking back the emails to friends (I figure I'd have minutes before one of them would call my home and try to warn my brother or mother), I'd hide the gun in the waistband of my pants and walk across the street. Across the street from me is a large field. It's the property of a church and a couple times they've used it to host a big tent revival. It's also distinctive enough for the next part. I'd walk to the back of that area near the trees. I would barely be able to see the top of my house from there as it's a little downhill. I'd then call the police and report my own death. I'd let them know where I am and what I would be doing in a moment. That way they would send a car and find my body soon thereafter.
I'd drop the phone while still connected to 911, that way they would hear the gunshot and know that this isn't a prank. Or at the very least, a prank worth investigating. I'd then chamber a round, stick the barrel of the gun into my mouth making sure to angle it toward my midbrain and pull the trigger.
You know, now that I write it out, I realized I had forgotten one piece. I'd have a letter near where I drop the phone stating my name, my address, the name of my brother and mother, the fact that they would be home, and finally their phone numbers.
Yeah. I didn't have that plan last night. That plan came organically and fully when I asked myself the question I've asked hundreds of new patients: Do you have a plan for suicide? I guess if someone were to ask me that and I were being honest with them my answer would have to now be yes. Yes, I have a plan. The only thing I'm 'lacking' is a will to commit suicide.
You see, I've been here before. I've had dark thoughts. I've been depressed. And while I can't possibily see a way out of this dark hole I'm in right now, I know there IS a way out. This isn't a matter of making myself happy. This isn't a matter of getting past something that's made me sad. I'm not sad. I'm not grieving. I'm depressed and there is a huge difference.
I don't know when this started. Certainly I was happier this time last year. I'm fairly sure I was happier in November. By the time March rolled around I was fully into depression. I could blame it on the new job... but it's not that. I could blame it on Caitlyn... but it's not that. It's JUST depression. The chemicals in my brain are off. They'll either re-adjust themselves or I'll have to seek help and go on an anti-depressant.
I didn't write this out as a goodbye. Hell.... I'm not sure anybody reads these posts anymore. I wrote this out as a way to put my thoughts front and center. To get them lined up and in front of me instead of echoing around in the back of my head. They key thing I've realized.... I don't want to die. So if these thoughts continue.... if I don't start to pull out of depression in a week or so... if I get worse and start to firm up my plan... I'll seek help. I'll call a friend, I'll talk to my brother, I'll call a hotline, I'll tell a co-worker. I'll save my life from this pit and not let it cave in and kill me.
No comments:
Post a Comment