A couple nights ago I was winding down after a day's work. I was planted in front of the TV but not really watching it. As I often do I grabbed my phone and was catching up on some web browsing. News, weather, sports, facebook... stuff like that.
For one reason or another I ended up at this blog. It's at that point that I started wandering down the rabbit whole.
I keep this blog, at least partially, as a reminder of how I felt at particular times about particular things. I know from previous journaling experiences that it's hard to believe that I ever felt so low. So depressed. On the flip side of that coin, it's hard to remember just how joyous certain things feel.
For example, after passing the NCLEX I was over the moon, jumping up and down, singing my lungs out happy. How do I know? Well to be honest, it's not because I remember it that way. Sure, I remember being happy, but THAT happy? Not really. But when I go back and read my post "I PASSED" I can relive that moment. Not through my words... I really can't express myself that well. But reading my own words I can remember writing them and just how excited I was.
Before getting my current job, most of my journals/diaries/rants/rambles were of the sad type. I started a diary of sorts in 1994 that I titled my Ramblin' Notes. I was at Ferris State University and depressed out of my mind. Writing about it helped, but I think more of that help comes from re-reading it now. Even here 20 years later I find it uprising just how down I was. The Ramblin' Notes lasted for years. Later I had a personal website of my own where I more or less continued it. I stopped that website just about the time I started exploring my Caitlyn side and shortly thereafter started blogging. Blogging about Caitlyn was more focused on my caps, but at the end there it did get far more personal and was an echo of my previous attempts to document my day to day thoughts.... it was Sad. I was sad.
This blog (beyond it's first few months about writing a story) is almost the exact opposite. As I read through the posts a few nights ago I was constantly taken aback at how wonderfully positive I've been. I even attempted to make a few 'downer' posts, but I end most of those stating that even with as bad as it was... I was still Happy.
That got me to thinking. I've more or less been happy now for 15 months. Have I ever experienced a 15 month period where I was this consistently happy? If so, why was I happy then? If so, what stopped that happiness? Can I use any of these times (if they exist) as a forecasting tool to see what will eventually end my happy times?
I didn't give it much more thought than that. In the vague thoughts I gave it, I knew that I've been 'happy' before... but I don't recall for how long, or why, or why it stopped. And I'm not sure whether I'm looking at those happy times through a rose colored mirror, or if I was truly this kind of happy.
So here's what Iim going to do. I'm going to start in 1992 and look at my life in two year increments. I'm going to give them a good thorough and honest reprisal and see if any 15 month period could honestly qualify as 'happy'. Not just a happy memory, but an honest to God time of happiness. There are of course ups and downs that occur naturally. I still experience those times now... but the overall trend has to be one of happiness and optimisim.
1992 - 1994
I graduated High School in 1992. That's the reason I want to start there. While my parents have always exerted a large influence on my life (Love ya Dad!), graduating from High School felt like graduating from childhood.
I immediately went into the local community college. Those were indeed good times. I had a music scholarship paying for most of my college costs, a part time job at McDonalds, a car (The second Monza I believe), and a good group of friends. I knew what I was going to do (be an Optometrist), and I knew the classes I had to take to get there. I was doing well in my classes without any overt effort, and a lot of my time was taken up with playing the Trombone.
I stayed at that community college until 1994. Out of my friends I believe I would call myself the happiest. I knew what I was going to do, while they were struggling with what they wanted out of life.
Off the top of my head I can't think of any personal losses that would make me re-think my place in life. My grandmother had died a few years back, and my next grandparent wouldn't die for many years. I even had a good relationship with my parents for the most part. I was of course living with them, but they gave me a long leash. No curfew... just give them a call if I'm going to be out all night.
Yes. I think right from the get-go, I can call just about any of these months as a 15 month long happiness. It was naive and with no thought of the future beyond my own self confidence that I WOULD be an optometrist, but ignrance can be bliss and that was a blissful time. It wouldn't last long.
1994-1995
I know I said I'd do two years, but I can easily nix this period out. I went to Ferris State University to enroll in the Optometry classes. My future plans took the first major hit... I didn't nearly qualify for Optometry. It seems that the community college was wrong when they guessed at what classes I would need. I had at least three semesters (a solid year) of pre classes to take before I could even apply.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I was shocked at just how expensive college was. I hadn't had to give it much thought before due to the scholarship, but I had no scholarship here. I vaguely remember thinking that grants, a part time job, and maybe some help from Mom and Dad would get me through. I was wrong. A year later and I was about $15,000 in debt.
I did get a part time job as the photographer's assistant. But I had never really had to budget money before. Insurance on the car, gas for the car, food, entertainment, expenses for class.... they all took way bigger chunks out of my cash. Several times that year I'd have to borrow money from friends just to have gas money to go home. To pay them back? I'd borrow more money from Mom and Dad.
I also learned what loneliness was. I had no family close by. I had my friend at UofM and we kept in contact through letters and email, but it wasn't the same as before. I did make some friends at Ferris, but even then I knew that none of these people would ever be long term friends. So a lot of my time was spent alone.
This is also about the time that I started consciously NOT dating. It's not as though I was a Don Juan before, but I was now making sure that I wouldn't get into a relationship. If I was talking to a classmate (possible future date) and saw that she felt the same way, I'd move myself away from the situation. I talked about this earlier, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to start a serious relationship when I wasn't 'done'. When I couldn't support myself. And while I could jokingly say that I was supporting myself back home, I couldn't even think about it now. Not in that much debt and not with so little cash in my pockets.
Dark Times indeed.
1995-1998
Yes, another 'not' two years, but these three all match up nicely. I had left Ferris with the thought of going to Photography school and for these three years I was at another community college perusing that dream.
I can say that my time at my first college was good. I can say that my second time was bad. This was... well it was a mix. I had a combination of both experiences.
On the good side, I was attending college with (what I thought would be) a bright future ahead of me. More than that, I was enjoying the actual classes. My first bought of college felt more like I was going through the motions, but not learning anything I'd consciously use. Who uses Trigonometry, Inorganic Chemistry, and English Litterature? But here I was learning how to be a photographer. Technically how to manipulate the camera and the film. Artistically how to compose and stage a photograph. I met many friends, one of which is still a very VERY close friend. I was having fun. I had a decent enough series of jobs, and even though I was putting this three years on my student loans, I still had some cash in my pocket. I had my Ford Escort, which really just means that I had a good reliable car.
On the bad side, I knew damned well that I was diving deeper and deeper into debt. As an Optometrist I would have made good money. Good enough to pay off the loans. But as a Photographer? I wasn't sure HOW I would pay this debt off. I flirted quite a bit with several girls, and fell in love with one. I talk more about Lynn in "What is Love", but suffice it to say that I didn't pursue her and still fell madly in love with her. Not pursuing her felt right, but at the same time it felt so wrong. So at best, I was conflicted.
I guess if I had to add all of that into an equation it would come out leaning more toward happy. But there was enough conflict and doubt that it's no where near as happy as I am now.
1998-2000
After graduating from photo school my friend and I moved to Chicago to become photographers. Falling flat on our faces is more how it went. Both of us had jobs as photography assistants, but more often than not we were working out 'other' jobs. Waiter, computer salesman, bike messenger.... as time wore on I saw less and less of a chance to make it work. The few jobs I was getting as a photography assistant were coming slower and slower as I was being pushed out by more experienced photography assistants or even pro photographers taking jobs as assistants.
I was living with my buddy, so that was good and we tried very hard to make the best of it. But living in a big city like that while barely making enough money for rent... well that sucks. The world is right in front of your eyes. You just can't touch it.
About halfway into 1999 I moved back home tail firmly between my legs. Sears had sold my credit account with them to a viscous collection agency, and another credit car firm threatened me with a lawsuit. I hadn't had insurance on my car (The Black Shadow Of Death) for almost nine months, let alone made payments on it.
I did start working with another friend. We were making a small town version of Gateway or Dell computers, and with me on the staff we started working graphic design and eventually web design into the mix. But money was hard to come by.
2001-2003
I guess I didn't have much of a stomach for not making money. I'm sure I talked about it somewhere, but I left that job. At first it was at a collection agency, and then it was as a photographer.
My spirits started to lift. I was a working photographer! Sure, I was making about $10 an hour with no benefits but unlike the optometry or Chicago, I was working in my dream profession. I added more responsibilities to that job and eventually became a manager. I was the primary graphic designer. Creatively, I'd have to say that was my high water mark (and yes... I do compare that with all the caps I made as Caitlyn!).
The photography job was working with the same buddy I lived in Chicago with, and while working there I met the other person that I call my best friend today. The three of us were like the three Amigos... but you know, poor and American. The three of us had the unique ability to both work together and be friends outside of work.
But consider that this is 10 years after graduating high school and 5 years after graduating from photography school. Financially I was still a wreck. Sure... I eventually moved out of my parents house, but money was still a constant struggle.
Like photo school, I'd have to call this a happy time, but not nearly as happy as now.
2004-2006
Financially these were my best years up until the last 15 months. I wasn't rolling in money, but I was eventually put on salary (about $25,000 a year plus benefits) and way paying almost all of my bills. I still hadn't paid one single cent on my student loans though.
Professionally I kept growing. I was the second in command of the photography division of the company and in late 2005 became the Director of Photography. I employed between 5 and 10 people at various times. I kept us graphically moving forward, never willing to rest on what was once considered good enough.
I moved to near Detroit for awhile with my brother (who was on the company payroll by that time). Together we could afford a rather nice apartment. I bought Lita at this time and she was a damned fine car.
If I could make just a little more money.... enough to afford the minimal student loan payment... I would have felt close enough to success. In romantic terms, I would have felt good enough about myself to really get my feet in there and start dating. But when I became the head of the photography division I also got a much closer look at the books. In short; the whole company was a big hot mess.
These were more or less recession times in Michigan, and it showed on our bottom line. The owners of the company had no inherent interest in photography beyond using it as a way to drive sales toward their videos. Video sales were down. And worse than that, Photography sales were slipping. If we couldn't keep the Photography side up on it's own, then they would have to close the division down. So my last few months at the company were spent severing all ties with Photography.
I honestly believe they would have kept me on if other things hadn't pushed me out. They really did respect my abilities, even if it didn't include photography moving forward. But that year was the year my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer. I once again moved home, but this time to be a comfort to both Mom and Dad.
Even in that, I didn't think things through. I should have known that I was never going to find another photography job as good as that one. But I guess sorrow clouded my vision. After a few months of flying through my savings, I realized that if I didn't find a job I was going to become that financial burden on my parents again. Damn it, at 33 years old that was JUST unacceptable. So even though I moved home to be a comfort to Mom and Dad, I went and got my Commercial Drivers License and for a short while became a truck driver.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were all spent in a truck.
There was a lot going on during these two years. I think if my criteria was being happy for a single 12 month period, I could all this time as happy as now. But I don't think I could actually say that happiness lasted for 15 months.
2007-2013
Dad Died.
I quit trying to be a Truck Driver.
It took me months to get over that grief. And I don't mean 'get over it' as in put it entirely into the past... no I don't think I'm to that point now. But I got over it enough to get back to work. I had my last stab at Photography as a portrait photographer, but that was one of my worst paying jobs. When I learned that I wouldn't be moving into management, I quit. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I needed to really snap myself out of that frame of mind. Photography hadn't ever fed me well enough.
So I started nursing school.
Nursing school was nothing like my previous bouts of college. I wasn't breezing through the classes, and I desperately had to learn what was being taught. I made some friends, but none that I would consider good friends. And because school was so hard, I couldn't really work. I ended up, for the most part, working 4am shifts at a retail store either putting out stock or putting up stickers for their new sale.
This is the point in my life that I found Caitlyn. While experiencing her I'd have said she was nothing but good. But after taking a good hard long look at those years, I'd say that she was keeping me sane. She was keeping me from looking at just how bleak my life was.
I'm sure I don't have to rehash what life was like after graduating from nursing school. Within a year I was suicidal.
No... I'd have to say that six or so year period was about as dark and depressing as my life has ever been.
And then I got hired.
So... was I ever this happy? Those first two years of college. Yes. I can say that I was this happy back then. But it was an ignorant happy. I was happy for a future that was never going to materialize. I was happy in a way that I could say "oh sure, I'll get married and have 2.5 kids and a dog and a cat and a gerbil, and three cars in the driveway, and a good house with a white picket fence.
I was as happy for about a year as a photographer. But that happiness was one of ignoring present problems. It was happiness born of hoping for a slightly better future.
And that's it. Those were my happy times. Like I said above, I define happiness not as a lack of sadness or bad times. Both of those times and even now, I get sad and have bad times. But overall those were (and are) times of light compared to relative times of darkness. Sometimes sever darkness.
What can I learn about all of this? Well... hopefully I won't live to prove this, but my times of happiness are relatively short lived. Reality has a way of breaking up my times of light. The first one was broken by simply opening my eyes and realizing that I couldn't make my future happen by mere force of will. Lesson learned. The second one was broken by having only a tenuous hold on happiness. A job in a company that was spiraling down the drain, and not making enough to make all of my ends meet.
Well.... my eyes are open. I'm not planning on a future. Sure, I'm saving for retirement but I'm not exactly just hoping for a better future to come sit in my lap and tell me a bedtime story. I have drawbacks now like the inability to afford to live out on my own. Like the fact that me finding romantic love is just silly to think of at my age.
But I accept these drawbacks.
Living at home helps me help my mother. Living at home helps me help my brother. Living at home helps me afford other nice things like Fiona. It's a trade off that I consciously made. And not finding romantic love? Well that's not to say that I won't meet someone and fall in love. It just won't ever be that kissy-kissy, lets lie in the meadow post coitus and talk about what we'll name our children or what our vacations in Paris will be like. Love will be a more adult mature thing. Falling in love will be finding someone who I like to spend time with and someone who will want to spend time with me. There may not be children (at least not my children), but that's ok.
I also don't have nearly as tenuous a hold on this happiness. Sure, I could lose my job. But as a nurse with a years experience (even in a prison) I am now far more hireable than I was as a graduate nurse. I may lose those that are close to me... Mom may die. My brother (or brothers) may die. But I've been through that grief before. And while I know it will be ever so hart, I already know that I can come out on the other side of it.
Moving forward I'm going to make plans, but they'll be realistic. Will I own my own home? Sure, but it will probably be the one I'm currently in after Mom passes away. Will I ever own a BMW car? No. Will I fall madly in love? No. I'll make efforts to plan for the future financially. I'll work to pay off my student debt ahead of schedule (here's to being student loan free at 50!). I'll continue to sock money into my retirement account so that I'll have that to live off of when I'm old.
I'll continue to hope for better things while living a comfortable present and planning for a comfortable future.
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