The Big Four Oh

You say it's your birthday

It's my birthday too, yeah

They say it's your birthday

We're gonna have a good time

I'm glad it's your birthday

Happy birthday to you.

So... yeah.  It's my birthday and it's one of those annoying 'milestone' birthdays (damn base-10 counting all to hell).   I remember when having a birthday was a celebration and almost every year was a milestone.  Turning 10, 12, 16, 18, 21, 25, 30.... those all held some special meaning that at the time seemed so important.  Now the only milestone birthdays I have left seem to be the ones counting down to my eventual end.

It seems as appropriate as any other time to take a look back and to take a look forward.  What I've accomplished, what I've failed at, what I hope to accomplish and what I'll likely fail at.

Let's start on the happiest note... accomplishments.  I was the first member of my family to ever attend college.  At the time it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do.  I mean what else was I going to do?  One of my grandfathers didn't finish high school and was already working a career at that age.  My other grandfather, father and older brother went into the military upon leaving high school.  I probably would have followed suit and joined either the Navy or Marines if I had the health to do so.  But once that doctor told me that I wasn't healthy enough to play sports, I never looked at myself as physically fit enough to do something like that.

The whole college thing is a blessing and a curse.  Yes, I was the first to attend college, but after 9 years of study I only have two associates degrees to show for it.  I bring that up because I don't believe I can honestly call myself a college graduate.  A college graduate requires getting a Bachelor's degree.

One accomplishment I can fully embrace is the friendships I've made.   True, many friendships have faded away but I'll always look fondly back at them.  I know a lot of people that look at anybody they are close to as friends, but I keep that title only for the people that I feel a special bond to.

That's about all I can list as accomplishments.  Sure, I've done other things, but I wouldn't put them up as accomplishments.  Either because they were more personal introspection or they were accomplishments that have failed or at least failed to withstand the annals of time.  This of course leads me to thinking about my failures.  If I'm as critical to my list of failures as I am to my list of accomplishments, then I have only a short list.

My primary failure up to this point in my life was my photography career.  That's not to be confused with my skill as a photographer... I was (and I guess still am to a degree) a good photographer.  I had both the technical skills and the artistic eye to make both commercially and artistically successful photographs.  I just never found a way to turn those skills into a life sustaining career.  I can't even say that failure was from a lack of trying.  I realized I wanted to be a photographer in 1995 and didn't give up on that dream until 2008.  Thirteen unlucky years of futile attempts.  In Chicago I failed at even scratching the surface of becoming a commercial photographer.  At home I failed at becoming a successful graphic designer and commercial/journalistic photographer.  In Detroit I failed at being a sports photographer.  At a retail chain I failed at being a portrait photographer.

I can look back at this particular failure with a lot of fond memories.  I was close to succeeding many times, but it never lasted.  I made my closest friendships during that time and really looked deep within myself and found that I liked what I saw.  Given the choice, I probably would choose to live that 'failure' over again.

Another failure I can accept is never getting into a serious relationship.  I never found love.  If it was simply a matter of never finding love amongst a list of relationships I might not consider it a failure... but I never suited up to play that particular game.   I've talked about it before, but to reiterate; I never wanted to get into a serious relationship until I was fully 'me'.  Until I was able to support not only myself but the one I decided to share my love with.  You might look at it as self centered, but I don't see it that way... I wanted a relationship with me to be a good thing and I thought that if I was in troubled water that being in love with me would be as much curse as blessing.

That failure dove tails nicely into my 'future' failures.  I don't believe I'll ever have a family of my own.  I'm open to finding love, but I don't expect to find a wife, love her, marry her, and have children with her.  The closest thing I'll probably have to children is finding a woman that I love that already has children.  I've heard it said that we're all immortal as we live forever through our children.  If that's true, then I'm a mortal amongst Gods as when I die, no one will carry on my life.  To put it another way; My father never died.  I carry on his legacy and will never let him be forgotten.  No one, however, will do that for me.

That's about the only future failure I can imagine right now.  So let's talk a bit about the good things that I can still accomplish in life.

My nursing career.  I firmly believe that this is an area that I'll be able to hang my hat upon for the rest of my life.  I think one day I'll be as good of a nurse as I was/am as a photographer, except that my skills in this area will provide a life for me.  It could provide a full life for me now if it wasn't for my massive college debt.  I see no sign of me tiring of either this current nursing job or of a nursing career.

Becoming a college graduate.  I'd really like that.  Not as a means to progress in my career (neither my direct supervisor nor her supervisor have a bachelor's degree), but as a promise kept.  I promised myself that I would be a college graduate one day, and I think it's something that I can fit around my carreer.  Sure, it won't be at some major university and will more than likely be done primarily online, but the degree will be just as valid.  If I can find a reason to do so, I may even continue on and get a Master's degree.

Continuing to be a good member of my family and being a good friend.  Sure, I would probably prefer to have a family of my own, but without that really being possible I can devote more of my time back into my family and friends.  I can be there to help support and encourage my brother to live up to his potential.  I can be there to help my other brother as well as my niece and nephews.  I can be there to help my mother live out the rest of her (hopefully many) years in contentment.

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My mother asked me last night if I 'felt' 40.  I honestly answered her with a curt 'no'.

I didn't go further into explaining why I didn't, as the answer isn't all that simple.  I'm hoping that she took the answer to mean that I feel young.  Sadly, I don't feel young.  Physically, I have chronic problems.  My back is constantly in some stage of pain.  My (as yet diagnosed) diabetes means that eating and drinking are a constant struggle.  My vision which was never good to begin with, continues to degrade at an alarming rate.  My hair is graying.  My skin is losing it's youthful elasticity and I'm noticing wrinkles on my face (let's just giggle for a bit and call them laugh lines).

That's just the the physical realities of getting old.  The mental realities are a little harder to deal with.  You see, I can honestly say that I mentally feel like I'm in my 20s.  I'm just starting a career and have years to go before I can say I'm either good or experienced at it.  I'm earning real money for the first time in my life and learning how to properly allocate it into fields such as bills, retirement, and savings.  But the biggest thing that makes me feel young mentally is I have yet to reach that last doorway into true adulthood.... making a family.
My two closest friends are both married.  One of them has two children, while the other is actively planning to have children soon.  Facebook has let me re-connect with many of my previous 'best' friends and I find that they are all married and have children.  They are all my age or younger.  My only friend who is significantly older than me isn't married, but only because he's divorced.  And he does have a child.

In that way, I'll never fully enter adulthood.  I'll forever be a 'young' man.

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In many ways I'm on the last leg of my life's journey.  I know that many people will look at their 40s as the mid point in their life.  They should.... it's not odd or out of the ordinary to live into your eighties.  But I just can't picture that happening with me.  Longevity is not something that my family has in abundance.  My maternal grandfather lived into his eighties and his mother lived into her 90s.    My paternal grandmother made it well into her seventies.  Beyond those examples, however, the members of my family die young.  Both my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather died in their fifties.  My father died in his early sixties.  When I start averaging these out, I think I'll be like my father as passing on in my sixties would make me 'average'.

When my father died, I did some rough math and realized if I lived his life, I was already then past the middle of my life.  Cancer and cardiovascular problems are both part of my genetic code and it's not as though I'm fighting against either.... I smoke and I'm overweight.  I can check off almost all of the predisposing factors for both of these issues.

I expect that I'll have two more milestone birthdays.  I should easily make 50.  That will be a big one as I'll then have my student loans paid off.  But I doubt that if I get a mortgage that I'll have to worry about finishing off it's 30 year term.  I'll probably make it to 60.  At that point I'll have 20 years into my job and be looking at how many more years I have to work until I can retire.  If things flow the way I expect, I should be able to retire at 65 which will give me a couple years of retirement until I die.

I don't expect to ever see my 70th birthday.

So... what does all of this add up to?  Well... I'm finally on my way.  I've gone through several failures and while the put me behind the pack that just makes me enjoy every success all that much more.  Everybody loves an underdog, so everybody should be rooting for me.

As much as this post makes me wistful for a different life, I can't say that I'm saddened by it.  I like me, and all the thing that have happened in the past has lead me to where (and more importantly WHO) I currently am.  As short as I believe my life will be, I still have plenty of time to live it to it's fullest.  And I can do that because I can honestly say this....

I'm Happy.