It's so hard to say goodbye

How do I say goodbye to what we had? 

The good times that made us laugh 

Outweigh the bad. 

I thought we'd get to see forever 

But forever's gone away 

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

-It's So Hard To Say Good By To Yesterday by Boys II Men

That was my senior song in High School.  Humorously enough it was almost the theme from Golden Girls (Thank you for being a friend).

I haven't ever given this much thought, but I'm not really good at saying Goodbye.  I rarely say 'goodbye' or even 'bye' when I part company with someone.  Instead I choose terms like "seeya", or "have a good day/'night/time".  Goodbye just seems so permanent.

Thankfully, I haven't had to say goodbye to too many people directly.  There was Charlie, Andy, Greg, Chris, and Bill.  Oh... and Dad.  That is the list of close friends (and Dad) that I've parted ways with.  At one point or another, each of these people were considered to be my 'Best Friend'.  But like many things in life, we eventually parted ways.
Charlie.  We grew up several streets apart.  I have no idea how we met, but we were close friends for a few years.  We went to the same school, but weren't in the same class.  I think we eventually just hooked up with new friends and stopped talking all together.  The closest thing I can remember to us separating as friends was one Christmas break.  We both hatched a plan to find evidence of Santa Claus.  That year I was informed by my parents who Santa Claus really was, and was asked to keep that under my hat as they wanted my younger brother to have another year or two of belief.  Like my older brother did before me, I added mystique to Santa for the sake of my younger bro (hey... who doesn't like to pull the wool over the eyes of a younger sibling!?).

In January when we got on the bus back to school, Charlie sat next to me and immediately asked how my Santa experiment went.  Being that we were sitting right in front of my younger brother and his buddies, I shushed Charlie and said in an incredibly loud whisper "SHHH!  My brother still believes in Santa!"

The look of horror in Charlie's eyes was just soul crushing.  Evidently he didn't have the same conversation with his parents and I had just let the cat out of the bag.  Sorry Charlie.  I don't think that's exactly when we parted ways, but I don't have any strong memories after that.

Andy.  We met in our last year of elementary school.  My fifth grade experience was one in the 'developmentally delayed' class.  My fourth grade teacher was a dick and assumed that my agitation and inability to focus in school was because I wasn't smart enough.  It turned out that he was wrong as I ended up helping all of my classmates and spent the sixth grade in the 'Leap' or advanced class.  'Leap' at my school was a two year program (fifth and sixth grades), so I was the odd duck being elevated to that class midway through.  I was both a newbie like the fifth graders, as well as being an elder statesman like the rest of the sixth graders.  Andy and I immediately bonded, but I have no idea why.  Maybe we just sat next to each other, or maybe we just hung out a recess... but he and I were close friends quickly.

Our close friendship lasted just a few years.  In the 7th grade we both entered the JR High marching band (Andy played the French Horn, I played the trombone).  In the 8th grade Andy picked up soccer... but my doctor said I couldn't play because of my heart murmur.  Andy bonded with his soccer friends while he and I drifted apart.

Greg.  Greg was a percussionist in the high school band.  He'd hate it if I called him a mere drummer.  We were both firmly in the 'nerd' camp at highschool.  Well read, good grades, socially awkward.  He was a grade ahead of me, but we remained close when he went to the local community college.  I met him there a year later and we continued our friendship.  About the time that I went off to Ferris State Universtiy and he went to Grand Valley University, email was becoming a standard thing and we kept up via emails and weekend trips to see each other.

By the time I dropped out of Ferris and started back up in Photography classes we had drifted apart.  We still talked via email occasionally and even visited each other once in awhile but we were becoming two different people.  The last time I saw Greg, I was struggling away as a photographer while he had gotten his first job as an engineer.  He wanted my help in choosing out a new car, but I was jealous of his money.  I promised him that I would stop by and go car shopping with him, but I never 'found' the time to follow through.  That's the last I saw of him.

Chris.  My friendship with Chris overlapped quite a bit of the time with Greg.  We were all friends in high school and early college.  When I went up to Ferris, Chris went to the University of Michigan.  I hung out more often with Chris as we were both exploring alcohol together (yea... we were drunk buddies).  Eventually Chris started going out with a girl and that took up more of his time (I of course understood, and fully supported his relationship).  Eventually he graduated and moved to Minnesota.  We were both early in our careers and couldn't really afford to maintain a long distance friendship.  We emailed a few times.  He came to visit me in Chicago a couple times, and I came out to visit him when he got married.  I was his best man.

I've only seen Chris once since then.  It was years later and we had both changed.  Chris was a family man with one child and another on way.  I was a bitter man upset that life hadn't opened up and showered me with everything I wanted.  We've found each other on facebook.... but it's not like we're real friends any longer.  He 'likes' my posts, I 'like' his... we occasionally comment on each others posts and life events, but that's about the extent of our friendship now.

Bill.  Bill and I met at Staples as collegues.  He was the "Business Machine's Lead" (i.e. the pseudo manager) while I was a sales associate.  In terms of sales, there was Bill and I, and everybody else.  Our sales numbers competed for best in the district and even the Midwest region, while all the other sales guys were struggling to move anything.

When I left Staples and moved to Chicago, Bill opened up his own Computer company.  He custom built computers better than Gateway or Dell, and sold them locally.  When I came back home with my tail firmly tucked between my legs, Bill was there to give me a 'job'.  I have to put that in air quotes as it's not as though I was getting paid.  We both worked to sell our computers, but as we were operating out of his basement (technically his dad's basement), it was hard to drum up business.  We eventually opened up a local web portal and I pushed my attention there for the graphic design, web design, and yes even photography.

We had some really good times, but after the financial side brought out that little green monster in me again.  Neither of us was making enough money from the business.  When we started to earn more money, we pushed it back into the business.  We rented out office space, spent money on advertising, and bought equipment.  We just didn't get paid.   I think if we were both in the same financial boat, that would have been fine... but Bill had a long term girlfriend and she had just started a job as a teacher.  Through her money they got married and bought a house.  Around the same time, my car's transmission took a big dump and I couldn't afford to fix it.  Which wasn't too bad as I also couldn't afford to insure it or keep putting gas in it.

I of course wanted the business to grow enough so that I could repair my car (and keep paying me), but Bill was spending the majority of his time on wedding plans and house shopping.  As the only person in this business with a car, it made it hard for me to earn the business money.

Eventually it got to be too much, and I left the business.  I got a really bad call center job that paid me enough to buy a 'new' car.  I eventually moved on to photography jobs while Bill dissolved the company (the lawsuit against us helped dismantle it), and took up various sales jobs.

To Bill's credit, he kept trying to maintain our friendship.   He'd call and invite me out but if felt that I was either too busy with work (he worked weekdays, I worked weekends), or inbetween jobs.  Bill was my only friend that came to my Dad's funeral.  He still occasionally calls and tries to hang out, but I get the impression that he looks at me as a possible asset... he always has some business thing going on and wants me to provide graphic design or photography skills to it.  I always beg off.

Dad.  I've talked a lot about Dad's passing and won't go into that again.  But I will say that I found it (and still find it) incredibly hard to say goodbye to him.  I still go and visit his grave occasionally.  I 'pray' to him on a semi regular basis... that is I have conversations with him in my head promising to live up to his legacy and take care of Mom.

So... to sum up all of those stories;  I find it hard to say goodbye.  Beyond my two current 'Best Friends' whom I met through photography, that is the sum of all my previous 'Best Friends'.  I never said goodbye to any of them.  We all just drifted apart.  I probably couldn't hook up with Charlie or Andy again, as we knew each other as children only.  Greg and Chris I could probably reconnect with, but we all have our own lives (I get to watch Chris' life from afar while I assume Greg is still chugging along).  Bill... well he's a phone call away.

But even if I could reconnect, I'm not sure it's in my best interest.  They are all behind me now.  What glued us together as friends no longer exists.

This all leads me back to Caitlyn.  Ever since I've had trouble with being Caitlyn, I've always maintained that I want to keep the friends I made through her existence.  But I have to wonder if that's really possible.  I wrote up on Caitlyn's blog that I haven't found joy in chasing after her dreams for a long while now.  Making caps has been tedious and the results have been disappointing me.  Reading caps, even those from my friends, is just about as tedious.  I just don't get joy when reading about men transformed into women.

And when I look back at the conversations I've had with these friends.... well they almost always move around TG, caps, and stuff like that.  Yes, we'd occasionally tackle other topics but I don't believe we ever started and ended a conversation without involving TG or caps in some way.  The glue that held us together is... gone.

I don't know where this leaves me.  I can't bear to say goodbye, but I just don't know how to maintain our friendships.

If we get to see tomorrow 

I hope it's worth all the wait 

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

And I'll take with me the memories 

To be my sunshine after the rain 

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.