What do you see when you look at me?

I don't know where the thought came from, but I recently wondered... what do people see when they look at me?

I think I've described how I physically look before, but let me give a short recap.  I stand about six foot three (when I stand up straight).  I weigh about 270 pounds.  I've been told that I carry that much weight well, but I'm obviously not 'fit'.   I wear my hair in a flattop cut, and currently sport a mustache and beard.  It would be a full goatee, but I don't seem to have the genetic code required to grow hair between the bottom of the mustache and the top of the 'beard'.  I  have a bit of grey on my temples and a bit more grey in my facial hair.  I've been told that I have a 'baby face', and I imagine that's just a way to say that I look younger than I really am.

I have two states of dress;  at work I wear scrubs, when not at work I wear jeans and button up patterned shirts.  Think of 'Hawaiian' shirts and you'll be close.  So... what do people see?

I imagine a lot of what people see will depend on when and where they see me.

At work I'm seen by both the inmates and the correctional officers.  Sure, there are other employees that see me... educators, food service employees, administrators... but the hundreds of inmates and dozens of officers far outweigh them.  A couple weeks ago one of the daytime nurses mentioned to me that an inmate was trying to explain who told them something.

A quick aside;  at work one of the things we constantly try to avoid is familiarity.  We are NOT the inmate's friends and need to maintain a professional relationship.  Officers are all known by their last name, inmates are only called by their last name, and the same is expected (although not required) of the nursing staff.  My last name is... difficult.  It's long, sounds dutch, and is often mispronounced even when it's spelled out.  I HATE having my last name mispronounced, so I always tell inmates to call me by my first name, but to proceed that with my title 'Nurse'.

Anywho, this inmate didn't remember my name so he described me as 'that big military looking nurse on evenings'.  The nurse had a giggle while sharing the story with me.  That tells me a couple things.  First, I can be described as (and have it understood) both 'Big' and 'Military Looking'.  The big part I easily get.  I'm the tallest nurse by several inches, and I'm no beanpole.  The military part... well... I guess I can see that.  I do wear a flat top most often associated with the marines.  My glasses are black plastic and have a basic 'military' style to them.  But I wonder, was he merely describing my look, or was he also trying to describe my attitude?  I do try to keep a professional relationship with my patients (and whether I refer to them as inmates or patients or 'my guys', they ARE patients when I see them), but I also try to keep it cordial.  I can't really expect the inmates to take what I'm telling them well if I just order them around and dictate information to them.  They have to feel that I care and that I'm educating them.

The other thing I got from that exchange is that the nurse telling me the story thought it funny that someone would think of me as 'Military'.  I don't believe she'd be laughing off the 'big' part of the conversation... I AM big.  Obviously I keep things fairly serious when we're dealing with an inmate's health, but otherwise I do try to keep things fun with my co-workers.  I joke, I laugh, I try to make my co-workers laugh.  Even when I was trying to figure out why she thought it would be funny to refer to me in that way, I made a joke saying 'my military father would turn over in his grave if he heard that'.  She laughed some more and walked off.

I hope that the inmates look at me as a nursing professional.  A medical professional... even though most people don't know the difference between a nursing and a medical professional.  I know some of the inmates are surprised to learn that I AM a nurse... they thought I was a doctor.  But I think that's mostly just the gender bias in nursing.  I had the same thing happen to me in clinicals.  Although, now that I give that a bit more thought... maybe it's more than gender bias.

One generalization I've noticed between doctors and nurses is how they carry themselves.  Doctors, for the most part, come across as confident first and caring second.  Nurses tend to come across as caring first and confident second.  In that way, I DO carry myself more as a doctor.  It's not because I want to be looked upon that way, I just feel that being a large man in what most people look upon as a woman's job I can make my patients feel better by showing confidence first.  Confidence IS calming and caring.  When I tell a patient that their ankle isn't broken I need them to believe that and not think that I'm just hoping that it isn't broken.  When I tell them that they should start feeling better in a few days or weeks, I need them to believe that.  So maybe it's not hard to see why some people would look at me as a doctor first.

That leads me to wonder what the officers see in me.  I know it bothers a good number of them that I allow the inmates to call me by my first name.  Even if I do require them to add my title to that.  They're used to referring to each other by their last names, and here I come referring to myself by my first name.  I answer the phone with my first name. Unless it's on official paperwork, I always use my first name.  There's also the nursing angle to consider.  Let's face it, nursing to most people is still a woman's job.  You don't tell someone that you had a female nurse, but you'll often hear stories from people that refer to their male nurse.  And this particular group of people work in a male dominated profession.  A 'macho' profession.  So do they question my 'man-ness'?  When I share that I drive a bright yellow Ford Focus I get a knowing grin.  When I share that I have a Remington 870 pump action shot gun and go hunting I get a surprised look.  Is that a 'wow, this nurse owns a gun and hunts'?  Or is that a 'wow, this guy owns a gun and hunts'?

I guess it's hard to differentiate how the officers see me as they should primarily see a nurse first.

So let's consider my fellow nurses.  I am one of three current male RNs working at this facility.  One of the other guys is older (mid 60s?), while the other is a bit older than me (mid to late 40s).  The older one is... well he's not in good physical shape.  Hes overweight enough that calling him 'round' isn't exaggerating.  The younger one is shaped more like me, but a good foot shorter.  Almost all of the nurses come from a similar background as nursing wasn't their first career.  Most of the stories I hear involve shop work as I live in an area with a lot of manufacturing.  Dwindling manufacturing.  I, on the other hand, was a photographer.

I'm by no means the youngest nurse, but I'm on the young end of the spectrum.  I'm one of the only nurses that isn't married or at least in a long term relationship.  I'm one of the only nurses that doesn't have children.  So even among my colleagues, I'm an outlier.

I don't think I can qualify all of their opinions together as our group is just to varied.  I know a few of the nurses still look at me as a 'new nurse' and will probably never look at me as more than that.  But everyone else that I talk to seems to be surprised when I open up and share things that I do or enjoy.  When a group of us were talking about television, they seemed surprised that I watched stuff like Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead.  When we talked about movies they seemed almost shocked that I enjoyed comic book movies (Batman Begins, Man of Steel, X-Men...).  When we talked about music they seemed shocked that I didn't really enjoy country and even more surprised when I said I liked alternative rock.  They were surprised that I read for enjoyment, that I enjoy driving, that I listen to public radio, that I play video games... there's not much about my life that seems to fit what they thought of me.  It really just makes me wonder what they thought of me and how they came to those conclusions.

So that's work... it's hard to qualify people opinions when part of my job is to portray my profession.

So what do other people see?  I'm a big guy wearing, 'those funny/crazy shirts', driving that yellow car.  Do they assume I'm trying to stand out?  Do they consider me unusual?  Am I just another face in the crowd, or am I 'That Guy'.

Here's an example.  You've read about how Fiona had to be taken into the body shop.  When I first got to the dealership I had no idea where exactly I should go.  I parked near their service center and walked in, asking if this was where I could get some insurance provided body work done.  I was wearing my normal pair of jeans and a bright orange patterned shirt.  As I approached the service guy I actually saw his eyes go up and down me.   What internal equation was he going over?  How much weight did he give my 'serious' hair cut and glasses, vs my 'crazy' shirt and car?  I had a similar experience when I walked into the actual body shop.  The service lady gave me an obvious once over and didn't seem to come to any particular conclusion.  She hadn't seen the car at that point, so it wasn't part of the internal workings.  She did seem surprised that I knew the difference between the 'ground effects' of my car and the 'air dam'.  Did she assume that someone 'like me' wouldn't know about cars?

I imagine that I give off quite a few curveballs just by following a basic internal creed.  While I'd rather 'stand out' than 'fit in', I always choose what I like.  I may like some popular music, but I don't like it BECAUSE it's popular.  I dress how I like to dress and in clothes that feel comfortable.  In any selection process (shirts, shoes, cars, electronics...) if I come down to two things that I like equally and one is 'popular' and one is less so, I'll always go with the less popular.  I want to stand out.

I should have seen this conclusion coming... but whenever I go down this path and wonder what people see in me, I always come to the same conclusion.   I don't care.

I don't care what people see in me.

This of course is in my personal life.  Professionally I NEED to be seen as a nurse (or at least a medical professional), but I don't care if they think of me as a 'serious' nurse or a 'fun' nurse, or a 'quirky' nurse... so long as they see me as a nurse.

To turn this on it's ear a bit, I do wonder about people that I come into brief contact with.   For instance... when I got into the bank and see a teller.  First and foremost I see them as a banking professional there to provide a service to me.  But what do they like?  What do they dislike?  Do they go home at the end of the day, put on their PJs, get a big bowl of ice cream and plop down on the couch to watch American Idol?  Or do they go home, change into their punk clothes, spike their hair, and listen to their Sex Pistols album?  I find it really fun to imagine these varying versions of people.  I find it fun because unless I get to know them, they are all just as likely to be true.  You really can't know someone just by how you witness them for a moment.

I can only hope that people give me the same consideration.  That they don't try to define me by a quick glance.

Of course I wonder if ANYBODY would look at me and guess that at one point I was a TG caption artist!