I've been doing these 'Year In Review' posts since 2013. It really is good to look back on them and see how I felt about them. It not only shows what I did that particular year, it shows how I grew as I reflect up on what I did. How big eyed and amazed I was in 2013 and 2014 with how good everything was. How impressed I was with myself for a few years there. How I thought everything was coming together and that I'd plateaued in my life. And then of course how I thought life couldn't get worse than 2020. Or 2021. Or 2022. 2023. 2024.
The broad strokes of those years are this; I got a job as a nurse in 2013 and it turned my life around. For a couple years I celebrated being an updating citizen. Earning money, and spending money. Oh the spending! Without going through the ups and downs in these years, 2013 through 2019 were good years. I worked as a nurse, worked as an intake nurse, and then had just started as a nurse manager.
Then COVID-19 hit in early 2020 and life just went to shit. Those first two years of the pandemic were just outright terrible. Work was honest to God scary. I thought for a long time that I was going to get this new virus, bring it home, and kill my mother with it. We separated our family, painfully, all just to keep us 'safe'. When the vaccines came out we all got them and got safe and reunited. But life didn't get good. It barely got better. Work was worse.
During this run, both the good years and the bad years, my migraines continued to get worse. From the occasional bad headache, to real problems with light sensitivity, adding sound sensitivity, neck pain, and then brain fog. At the time I thought the stress of COVID and work was making them worse, so I shifted gears in 2022 and started working at the State Mental Health Hospital. Not only was my migraine condition NOT tied to stress at work, changing jobs was the worst thing I could have done. I hated that job and left all of my nursing supports behind me.
In late 2023 I had to quit as the migraines got so bad that I couldn't work more than a couple days a week. It was so damned disheartening that the migraines didn't even tick up to getting better after I left work. In fact they continued to get worse. The only good thing about leaving work under good conditions was the long term disability. While I had to struggle and fight and scrimp and butt my head up against their virtual wall over and over and over, I at least was getting paid. It wasn't full time money though, so I still had to cash in portions of my 401k. First to pay off my bills and reduce my financial footprint, then to cover myself when they 'paused' paying me. And finally to cover bills because I got better.
Before I got better though I had to endure 2024. That's my new nadir. My low point among low points. I wasn't suicidal, but I can only say that because I didn't WANT to kill myself. My subconscious though was moving in that direction. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I almost had a complete plan on how to do it. How to kill myself, how to save my family from as much pain as possible, how to say goodbye to everybody, how to pass on all the information of my life to those that needed to know it. If I had finished that planning, and understand I was fighting against making those plans, I'd have been ready to pull the trigger and likely have killed myself.
But after I destroyed my car, my Tiffany, I was sober enough to seek help. From my neurologist, then a therapist, then my general practitioner, and finally a mental health specialist. It took awhile for the therapy to kick in and it took awhile for the meds to kick in, but I got better. It was soon after that point that I saw my new neurologist and he started his first treatment. Qulipta. My miracle drug. I went from having two or three days a month withOUT a migraine to two or three days with a migraine. It wasn't all at once and it wasn't overnight, but by mid year I was ready to go back to work.
2013-2019 = Good Years
2020-2024 = Bad Years
2025 = Transition. Way better than the bad years. Nowhere near as good as the good years.
So, let's look at 2025.
In January of 2025 the mental health meds were just kicking in. I was still getting used to going to therapy and I was seeing NP M (my mental health nurse practitioner) about every month. Around mid January I saw the new Neurologist (Dr. C) and started Quilipta.
February and March I saw HUGE gains in my migraines. I was singing the praises. I'm sure that buoyed my spirit but I still give plenty of credit to therapy and the mental health medications. The problem in those months was dealing with side effects. Were they from the increased dose of Wellbutrin? The addition of Paxil? The Quilipta? The ending of the Depakote?
It didn't really matter where the side effects came from. I just started dealing with them. Looking back, the sleep issue was a huge concern. I see where I started to track my sleep in late February. I went from getting 5 to 7 hours of sleep to occasionally sleeping for 12 hours. A couple times I slept for more than 24 hours. I know I was also dealing with a pretty severe muscle tremor. Both of those side effects were concerning as they'd stop me from going back to work. And yes, the migraines were getting good enough that I was now looking at going back to work.
Things more or less evened out in April. The muscle tremors never went away, but they're so subtle now that I can barely see them. The sleep is... well, it's problematic but a problem that I can deal with. The sweating while sleeping, the urinary hesitancy, and a few other side effects were reduced enough that I can deal with them. They're not bad enough to consider stopping any of my medications. And frankly, I want to go for a year or so without med changes.
In April I had six migraine days. Only one of which I couldn't have worked through. I made a deal with myself. If I can get two consective months with them each having less than two days of non working due to migraines, I'd call myself 'healed' and return to work. I didn't do anything to make it better or worse, I just continued doing what I was doing. April counted, so I was thinking May might be the the month. I even took a vacation at the end of the month as a test... stress to see if the migraines would get worse.
I had no migraine days in May. None.
I was ready to go back to work. The rest of the year, migraine wise look like this:
June - 4 Migraine Days, 1 Non Working
July - 4 Migraine Days, 0 Non Working
August - 2 Migraine Days, 1 Non Working
September - 3 Migraine Days, 2 Non Working
October - 1 Migraine Day, 0 Non Working
November - 2 Migraine Days, 1 Non Working
December - 4 Migraine Days, 2 Non Working
For the last half of 2025 I had 16 migraine days, with only 6 that would have prevented me from working. That's less migraine days and less non working days than January.
While I was contemplating returning to work, I naturally started thinking about cars. I knew Layla, my 2021 Ford Edge would do me fine but I also knew I wanted better. And if I got back to work I could afford better. In April, with all the tariffs and pricing uncertainty, Ford started offering employee pricing for everybody on new vehicles. I took a look at what I would want in a brand new Nautilus as they new came with Blue Cruise (self driving on the highway) and found that speced out how I wanted, with employee pricing, I could get one for right around $800 a month. I'd have to add some for Gap insurance and maybe for an extended warranty, but that's the price I was paying for Tiffany, and I got Tiffany as a two year old used car.
In other words, if I missed out on the employee pricing or if the prices went up, or both of those things happened, I could kiss getting the new Nautilus goodbye. At least for a couple years until a used one came down in price. I used that rational to buy Tatiana, my 2025 Lincoln Nautilus. Her Window sticker says she should go for just over $70,000. I drove her off the lot with an extended warranty for less than $60,000. After the money down and the trade in of Layla, my car payments are right where I'm happy with them and I couldn't be happier with Tatiana.
There are, however, two bad things about Tatiana. First is the interior color. I specifically wanted to get Blue as it was offered as a standard color. I ended up with a white exterior to get the blue interior. I'd really have rather had the Red exterior but you couldn't get that with a blue interior. So it's ironic that you can't really tell that it's a blue interior. It looks like a faded black. I'd have been better off getting the Red with a grey interior. But I can't complain as I wouldn't have known that without having the car for weeks. The other bad thing.... I'm still not working eight months later.
I started fighting against my long term disability in June. It took them months to accept that I was better and to stop paying me. In retrospect, I'm thankful they dragged their feet as that gave me more time and money even though at the time I thought it was preventing me from getting a job. I started applying for jobs in June and that's been a struggle. Only in the last few days have I decided to go whole hog and start peppering everybody everywhere with applications. That starts tomorrow and next week. The state prison system doesn't seem to want me, so fuck em. I'll get a job elsewhere.
The inability to get back to work though has been a huge drag on my mental health status.
Understand, NOT working because of the migraines made me feel small. Weak. Useless. It was beyond disheartening. So how do you think it makes me feel to be unable to get back work when I don't have the migraines preventing me from doing so? Yeah, it makes me feel a TON worse. The therapy and the drugs and still doing their jobs as I'm not even close to suicidal or having any suicidal ideations... but I'm SURE it's the meds keeping those thoughts at bay and the therapy keeping me from spiraling into self destructive thoughts.
I've isolated myself and drawn away from a lot of online friends. And it's the main reason I can't call this a good year. If I'd started working in June or July, assuming it wasn't a shit job, I'd have called this a great year.
Those were the major ticks for 2025. Migraines more or less solved, depression dealt with, new car, inability to get to work. A quick recap on other stuff that I cover in my Update posts:
I've been diagnosed with COPD and CAD. I have a cardiologist now. Both were found via the CT scan that looks for lung cancer, meaning I haven't had side effects severe enough to even complain about it. Looking back, yes I get out of breath way too early, but I wouldn't have complained about this to my doctor. Is it bad? Yup. It's likely going to be one of the causes of my death if cancer doesn't bite me in the ass. But I'm not feeling it yet, so it's fine.
I've all but ignored my dental work. I get my twice annual cleanings but no dental work. I need dental insurance so that it costs $100 and not $2500.
Finances suck. I just did my bills for the end of December and I have around $10,000 left in savings. That's a few months worth.
Friends are doing good. I'm going to miss E as he moved to Thailand, but he's happy there so far.
Family is okay. Mom isn't any better but she's not all that much worse either. R is doing better now that I'm paying him to continue caring for Mom. B is doing bad. He's dealing with severe anxiety and he's yet to find a med that controls it. Just recently he went almost two weeks unable to go into work.
The rest is bleh... new tech, entertainment, football... if you wanna read about those then check out the actual update posts.
With 2025 in the bag, lets do the questions. Remember, I'm deleting questions that don't make sense but I'm keeping the numbers the same, so you'll see missing numbers. That's on purpose.
1.What did you do in 2025 that you'd never done before?
Bought my most expensive car. So long as I don't spill milk in her she should be near a 'forever' car. And while I've had better times with my migraines, it's been decades since they've been this good, so I'm counting that too.
4.Did anyone you know die?
A few people, but they were secondary relationships. Family of friends. Friends of family.
6.What would you like to have in 2026 that you lacked in 2025?
That's easy. A job. It's the last piece I need for happiness.
7.What date from 2025 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
It's not a specific date, but January of 2025. Starting Quilipta and seeing it start to work. Yes, it didn't fully kick in until April, but it was that meeting in January when I started it.
8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is like the opposite of the pandemic years when everything was about COVID. But my biggest achievement was getting over the migraines. I'm a new man!
9.What was your biggest failure?
Being unable to recognize that the prison system just wasn't going to hire me. I waited way to long to accept that and to move on. I can accept the failure to get hired in June as I thought it was long term disability related. But after it didn't happen in August and September I should have moved on and done what I'm doing now. I might have been working for the holidays instead of spending money that I don't really have.
And that's ALL on me.
10.Were you seriously ill during 2025?
I was recovering from the migraines in early 2024 and dealing with severe side effects from drugs all year. I was diagnosed with COPD and CAD. But really... no, I wasn't seriously ill this year.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
Tatiana.
I also got the Kindle Scribe Colorsoft which is great. I also got the new Pixel 10 Pro Fold. I also got a new keyboard setup. But those are all replacements that are slightly better than what I had before. Tatiana is a major improvement and just such a sweet ride.
12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
I hate to be political here, but the half of the population that are against President Trump. They're not just sitting back, they're organizing, they're protesting, they're pointing out everything he does, they're keeping it in the news and the headlines.
13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Flip side of the above coin. I'd say President Trump but he's an expected quantity. I, and most intelligent people, knew he'd be like this. But it's those that voted for him and continue to root for him. ESPECIALLY those that call foul when Trump's plans screw them over. I mean, it was fine to screw everybody else over but once it hurt YOU it was now unacceptable? You piece of shit. It was bad from the get go.
14.Where did most of your money go?
Tatiana.
15.What did you get excited about?
The migraines getting under control. I mean, I expected that one treatment or another would get them under control but knowing it could and would happen and having it happen are two completely different things.
16.What songs will always remind you of 2025?
Abracadabra by Lady Gaga. It just got stuck in my head and WOW does it stay stuck in my head!
Tessellate by alt-J. I heard it in some show and it just stuck with me. Good song!
Your Gain by Swif7. I heard this years and years ago on a YouTube video. I tracked it down this year and it's in a constant rotation.
As Alive As You Need Me To Be by NIN. Just a damned good banger!
Karma Police by Radiohead. Heard it in the Invincible show and it got stuck. Great song!
The Fate of Ophelia by Taylor Swift. Only the second TayTay song to enter my playlist.
Keep On Running by Tom Jones. It's in the end credits of The Running Man. Banger!
Angles by Janset. Another song I heard on a YouTube video. Searched it, found it, loved it!
17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
- Sadder/Happier?
- Happier.
- Thinner/Fatter?
- Thinner. Getting off the Depakote got me down to the 240s.
- Richer/Poorer
- Poorer. I have no 401k anymore. I'm down to $10,000 in my savings account before I'm out of money.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Job searched.
19.What do you wish you'd done less of?
You know... I'm not sure I have an answer here. I wasted plenty of time but I didn't waste it intentionally. I wasn't stuck in playing games or watching TV or movies. I was mostly waiting to hear about jobs. I watched a lot of useless YouTube videos, but it's not like I chose to sit down and do that. I did it because I didn't have a job.
20.How will you be spending Christmas?
Late on this again. We spent Christmas here with Mom, R, B, B's wife, and my neice and nephews. It was the first time in a LONG time that we celebrated it on Christmas Day. It was good. Mom doesn't think so, but I think she's just comparing it to the best memories of years past. It was a good Christmas.
21.What is the one thing you would have gone back and done differently this year?
The whole apply to more jobs thing. I'm not sure how I would have gone about it, if it would have been in June, July, August, or September, but I'd have been applying to more jobs sooner.
24.What was your favorite TV program?
I was most surprised by Invincible. I'd had a small desire to watch it for awhile but never took the plunge. I did this year and regret NOT watching it earlier. I can't wait until the next season later this year.
25.What was your greatest musical discovery?
It's not a single discovery that I believe is my greatest of 2025. It's re-finding older artists that I had in playlists before and had cut for one reason or the other. Or just never had as I though they were too 'mainstream'. Guns N Roses, Journey, Def Leppard, Three Dog Night, Roxette, Paula Abdul, Ace of Base, The Scorpions, and Bon Jovi. I love having a wide selection of songs from these artists now.
26.What was the best book you read?
I finished re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series. That is and always will be the best series of books. Ever.
27.Are you happy with your lot?
If I were working? Yes. But I'm not, so no.
28.What did you want and get?
To get my migraines under control.
29.What did you want and NOT get?
A job.
30.What was your favorite film of this year?
The new James Gunn Superman movie. It exceeded my expectations. Initially I was disappointed as it wasn't nearly as dark or serious as the last few super hero movies have been, but it's humor and overall innocence has won me over. It's great. I can't wait for Supergirl.
31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 51 on January 24th, 2025. I didn't do anything special. I think I had a migraine that day.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Working.
34.What kept you sane?
The continued improvement in my migraines. Any time I think about the improvement, I get happier and happier.
36.What political issue stirred you the most?
I referenced it above, but the equal levels of pride and hate I have. Pride in people standing up and actively NOT accepting this horrible reality that President Trump and the current Republican administration is trying to force feed us, and hatred at the people still blinded by the wrongness of it.
37.Who did you miss?
Co-workers. My fellow nurses. Corrections officers, security assistants, doctors. I miss being in a professional environment.
38.Who were the best new people you met/got to know?
The new members of my medical treatment team. My therapist G, my mental health specialist NP M, and my 2nd neurologist Dr. C.
39.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2025:
Don't give up. Even in the darkest tunnel when you believe there cannot possibly be any light, there is hope and life still to come.
40.Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This is an unusual song lyric as it's in Portuguese. But the translation is just spot on perfect, especially when it goes with the song. The song is so up and happy and bouncy and yet the meaning behind the lyrics is so... wow, just deep.
This is the original Portuguese lyrics:
Quer o destino que eu não creia no destino
E o meu fado é nem ter fado nenhum
Cantá-lo bem sem sequer o ter sentido
Senti-lo como ninguém, mas não ter sentido algum
Ai que tristeza, esta minha alegria
Ai que alegria, esta tão grande tristeza
Esperar que um dia eu não espere mais um dia
Por aquele que nunca vem e que aqui esteve presente
Ai que saudade
Que eu tenho de ter saudade
Saudades de ter alguém
Que aqui está e não existe
Sentir-me triste
Só por me sentir tão bem
E alegre sentir-me bem
Só por eu andar tão triste
Ai se eu pudesse não cantar "ai se eu pudesse"
E lamentasse não ter mais nenhum lamento
Talvez ouvisse no silêncio que fizesse
Uma voz que fosse minha cantar alguém cá dentro
Ai que desgraça esta sorte que me assiste
Ai mas que sorte eu viver tão desgraçada
Na incerteza que nada mais certo existe
Além da grande incerteza de não estar certa de nada
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