While at school, this was easy. There was always a goal to move toward. The next test. The next clinical. The end of a particular class or semester. The next semester. And of course the grand daddy of goals... graduation.
I think it's my desire to plan. What am I going to do for this next phase? What am I going to do after this particular phase? It's nice to have something off in the distance that I can plan for, but can't fully prepare for at that moment.
If I give it a moment of deeper thought, I may consider that this is a coping mechanism. It's a way for me to look at something and focus on it instead of focusing on the present. Now that can be good and bad at the same time. Good, because who doesn't like to be prepared. Who doesn't like to walk into a situation and be ready for what's going to happen? Bad, because when the present changes it can be very upsetting. I mean come on, I made all these plans and now they're all crap. And bad because when there isn't anything to really look forward to I can tend to start tilting at windmills... looking forward and planning for something that doesn't require planning or worse... making plans just to disrupt the ever present now.
I think that's where I'm at now. One of our new nurses told me that the position I was looking at in September of last year may be open again. This position is in my hometown (so a 10 minute drive to work as opposed to an hour drive), it's 10:30 AM to 7:00 PM shift, and it's Monday through Friday with every sixth weekend. That shift REALLY appeals to me. I learned about that possibility on Friday and have been mulling it over all weekend.
Not much has changed between then and now. All the reasons I'd want to do it are the same, and most of the reasons I don't want to do it are the same. The one thing that sits firmly in both categories (for and against) is change. I love/hate change. I like the slow steady move forward making improvements and staying on the course of perfection. I know I can't ever get to perfection but it's nice to make the effort. At the same time I dislike doing the same thing over and over and over and that's where I'm at at work. There are no major changes coming at work that I would want. I could move to one of the blocks or the north clinic but I consider both of those less desirable than working in the south clinic. I could change to first shift or midnight's, but I consider both of those less desirable than 2nd shift.
About the only thing that is different is that we have fewer nurses now. One nurse is retiring and two new hires didn't work out. So leaving would screw over my co-workers even more.
The same truth is still there though. Should I trade happiness for possible happiness? I honestly like my job. I honestly like my co-workers. If I take this new position I could be screwing myself over. I could end up working for a supervisor that doesn't give a shit about me. I could end up working with nurses that are backstabbing, inmate hating horrible people. The job while initially sounding interesting, could turn out to be dulldrom and hateful.
Last night I decided to at least take a step forward. I emailed my HR department to get added to a transfer list. I also emailed my supervisor just to give her a heads up. I'll email the supervisor at the 'other' job either today or tomorrow. I figure I spent so much time agonizing over this decision last time that I may as well get double duty out of it... I decided to go for it last time and not enough has changed to think that I should properly come to any other conclusion this time.
So once again, I have something to look forward to.
Good for you. At least looking at the job will be to your benefit. Even if you don't get it, or don't want it, it'll be a great experience and keep your name out there. Perhaps at some point, something else will come available that you DO really want, and someone will remember your name then.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't called or emailed about this job opportunity. I'll probably shoot off an email this weekend.
ReplyDeleteI can appreciate what you are saying, but in the near term I can't imagine searching for another job within the department of corrections outside of this specific job. I like the crews I work with well enough that it's not worth saving drive time and miles to risk ending up working with people I might dislike. The shift is the only thing that turns that equation on it's ear, and to my knowledge this is the only nursing position at the department of corrections that offers this shift.